Not Alone: 2021

[Pioneer]

Hi notalone and Hope, I'm sorry you're feeling scared and in so much pain. From my own experience, when you've done a lot of courageous processing it can take a lot of upheaval and in stages to know again that you are safe - having to reassure various parts of you who don't always come out for reassurance or to express fear at the same time. I's a gradual process, and it is very exhausting and tumultuous. Hang in there! Sending you a 

Also, I have really enjoyed this song since hearing it this summer, and I thought you might appreciate it too. It is a Christian song and it is not a stereotypical song as the singer is very painfully honest with God about the pain that he feels. It is called Honesty by Jason Gray. The singer had a very difficult childhood and he seems to have some good insights. Of course, only listen to it if you think it might be helpful to you. Hang in there!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6aLj-Cz7aog

[Not Alone]

Pioneer, Thank you for your compassion and hug. I do think the body memories are worse because of what Hope share 1 1/2 weeks ago. Thank you so much for sharing that song with me. I added it to my playlist. I could definitely resonate with it. My prayers are honest and messy.


Had a really difficult time in the middle of the night. One of the Littles, someone new to me, was extremely distressed about a situation in my life. I/she was feeling frantically unsafe.

[Hope67]

Sending a safe hug - if that's ok - to you and any of your littles who would like one.   

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi notalone (and Hope), I just wanted to say that you're so strong for sharing that with your T and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Wishing you lots of little pixies and fairies to visit to make you smile rn.

[Not Alone]

Hi. This is Hope. A bigger person is helping me to write.
To the other Hope, Thank you for the hug. I will take it right now; Hope hugging Hope. 
THank you Dollyvee. That was very nice of you.


I had a hard night last night. Not Alone put pajamas on me and covered me with a soft blanket. It took awhile, but she found stories for me to listen to. The stories were Disney stories. In one they said to make 3 wishes. I couldn't even think of a wish and they kept going in the story. It seems like a wish is something important that you should think of for awhile. Also in the story they said, "you are happy." Well, that just made me MAD, because I wasn't happy so why would they tell me I'm happy? That's stupid. Then Not Alone put music on for me. She finally gave me a pill. It didn't work. Later she gave me another one and I finally went to sleep.

Today I was grouchy. Not Alone said it was okay. I was feeling stuff. We went to the resale store and bought a few picture books for me. She read me one later. We went to another store and I got to choose 3 sticker sheets, because I decorate our journal with stickers. I chose snowflakes, snowmen, and kitties.

After Not Alone read a story to me, I laid on the floor with Harriett (my doll) and the blanket over my head. I fell asleep. When I woke up I didn't know where I was. I was scared. Even when I remembered where I was, I was still a little scared.

I called my friend and she talked to me. That helped me. After that I put some stickers in our journal.

Not Alone has stuff to do, but I'm still here. She doesn't have to go to work or anything, though. I don't feel a whole bunch scared, just a little scared. Not Alone said the word for what I'm feeling is "unsettled." If I was alone I'd put Harriett on the bed with me and make us a meal of m&ms, but we have other people in the house.

Good-bye.

[Not Alone]

I took a xanax last night. I wasn't particularly anxious, but did not want to go through another restless night. I remember on Beauty after Bruises on their self-care techniques they say, "Allow yourself to take PRN medications if you are in need." I tend to not take something until things are really bad. I don't want to automatically take medication, but it might be kinder to myself to take it more frequently than I do. I need to think about that some more.

I also started watching the T.V. show, "Little Men," last night. It was a pretty safe show for me. What is safe to watch changes for me.

Yesterday while I ate lunch, I watched part of a different show with my kids. I had seen it before. It didn't seem upsetting to me, although Hope was somewhat present. It may have affected me though, because I had a very strange and scary dream and I can connect it to that show.

Yesterday when Hope talked to our friend, our friend said she was going to make valentine cookies. That seemed like a good idea. This morning Hope, another Little, and myself made the dough. It needs to be in the refrigerator before rolling the dough, so we will do that part this afternoon.

Even as I write this, I think about how outwardly, it often seems like I'm doing nothing. However, there is so much going on internally, even when not directly dealing with trauma.  That hug is for my Littles and myself. 

[Not Alone]

I didn't have to work today, but had several things on my "to do" list. None of the tasks were super involved, but I still felt a little overwhelmed. Having a list helped. Also reminded myself that if _______ and ______ and __________ does not get done today, it is okay. I have managed to get almost everything done, which gives me a sense of accomplishment. One item was a work issue that I had been putting off, but it only took me a about 20 minutes and now it is done.

My kitten is fascinated with the cursor on the computer. Makes it hard to type!

[Snowdrop]

I've just caught up with your journal, Notalone. You are so brave. Well done for telling your children about DID, and well done to Hope for telling T. That's huge, I know how long she's been waiting. I'm so glad that you're back to in-person sessions.

[Not Alone]

Snowdrop, thank you for acknowledging the significance of all of those events.

The Littles have been pushed to the background with the difficulties going on with my husband and also with beginning to look for a job. Both those things are very adult. There is also fear that they will loose T. I need to process this, but the fear gets in the way. I don't want to blindly reassure them that we won't loose him. I think that there will be losses; probably reducing sessions to once a week and possibly the stress of having to pay out of pocket. Too much to think about right now.

With husband being gone, Hope can sleep with her doll. Maybe I'll put music on too. Nights can be so difficult.

[Blueberry]

Even as I write this, I think about how outwardly, it often seems like I'm doing nothing. However, there is so much going on internally, even when not directly dealing with trauma.

That's how it is for me too, so once more you are not alone notalone     
For you and all your Littles for whom it's safe atm: 

That's cute about your kitten's fascination with the cursor btw

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, thank you for the hug and for reminding me that I'm not alone. 

It was nice for Hope to hold Harriett (doll) all night.

[Not Alone]

It took me 1 1/2 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning. Not sure how long it took me to get ready. At one point I found myself just sitting, not moving. My son is going to the grocery store so  that takes pressure off of me. The stress of, at some point, needing to find a full time job and the many issues along with that and the stress in my marriage is enormous.

I'm trying to remind myself to slow down on the job situation. I don't need to find something today or even by next month. I started a to-do list for job hunting. I looked at it this morning and realized I did get some of the basics covered. (It took me most of the weekend.) As I finished writing this, a next step, that needs to be taken within a day or two, has come to mind. Feeling the weight of it.

I usually spend one morning a week with the Littles, reading to them, listening to them, giving them time to write or whatever they need. This weekend I was too busy with working on job search to take that time. Plus, I feel like I'm in survival mode, so they have retreated quite a bit.

I feel like I take good steps in therapy, then other stuff comes in and completely disrupts my momentum. Hope told T about her abuse, now marriage and job stuff is consuming.

[Blueberry]

 

It took me 1 1/2 hours to drag myself out of bed this morning. Not sure how long it took me to get ready. At one point I found myself just sitting, not moving.

This resonates totally with me! In fact today I went back to bed twice after doing a few minor tasks - took medicine, fed guinea pigs - those kinds of things. So once again, you aren't alone.

I'm so sorry that your progress in T gets waylaid by something else happening in this case your H's plans to put the bread-winning role on you w/o really listening to you. I wish I could send your H a magic hat which would enable him to understand where you're coming from and therefore be more supportive of your needs in his decision-making.

[Snowdrop]

That sounds hard and frustrating, Notalone.

I'm glad Hope was able to sleep with Harriett. I can imagine that it brought her comfort.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I needed and felt those hugs tonight. Thank you for understanding and letting me know I'm not alone.
I'm so sorry that your progress in T gets waylaid by something else happening in this case your H's plans to put the bread-winning role on you w/o really listening to you Thank you for saying this. It makes me feel heard and I need that. I wish you had that magic hat.

Snowdrop, it is hard and frustrating. Thank you for your support. Hope is very happy to be able to sleep with Harriett.

I really went into panic and survival mode over this whole job situation. My T suggested taking a break from that while husband is gone and I have some space. He asked how I could take care of myself. I told him that I should read to the Littles. He said, "What about taking care of Not Alone?" Hmm.

I'm going to put away the job search for now. That isn't easy because I still feel the panic. Even when H gets home, I need to slow down on this process. This is all complicated by my husband's lack of decision making. I don't know if he'll work until the end of March, the end of June, or even later in the year, or even if he will fully retire this year. Ugh!