Not Alone: 2021

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #75 on: February 27, 2021, 04:41:42 PM »
Today I made a list of things I may do if I want to. Everything from cleaning to watching t.v. My main goal today is to bring calm to myself. The stress of the job situation has been huge. Since it's Saturday, I won't hear from the company with whom I'm hoping to receive an opportunity for an interview. Breathe. Bring calm to amygdala overloaded brain/body. Try to stay in this moment. Try to ignore the "shoulds."

Also have a bad headache.

Right now I'm watching Dr. Who, will fold towels, have an iced tea, deep breaths.

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dollyvee

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #76 on: February 27, 2021, 05:20:31 PM »
Finding a job is stressful  :hug: sounds like you're handling it well by taking some time for yourself

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #77 on: March 06, 2021, 02:26:07 PM »
Thank you, Dollyvee.


Something that Blueberry wrote in her journal stirred a memory in me.
Your relating that incident to feelings of violation brought back a memory to me. Decades ago, I was in the psychiatric hospital. A rule was changed and something that I owned was taken from me. I went behind the nurses' desk and took it back. I fought for it, but lost and paid by something happening that was highly traumatizing.
There is a part of this incident that I'm not ready to share here. I feel a lot of shame about it. Not sure why because I feel like most, if not all, the wrong-doing was on the staff. Interesting, that when I look at what happened, it is in three separate scenes. I can't figure out the order or exactly how they fit together, but I know they are the same incident. That's often how trauma memories are; disjointed. What happened was traumatizing. May I say that again? What happened was traumatizing.

I related to what Blueberry wrote, that an item being taken away felt like a violation. As I've sat with this memory since yesterday, I realize there are many layers to what happened.

---a rule was changed. Grown-ups change the rules then something really bad happens. Sometimes they don't even tell that the rule changed.

---something that I was told I could have was taken from me. It was a piece of clothing. I'm pretty sure that they forcibly removed it from my body, but I'm a little fuzzy on that. violation. no control

---something really bad happened that someone I trusted promised me would never happen I don't even have words.

---I felt like I was going to die. I yelled, "You're killing me." I heard a staff person say with an 'oh-brother' voice: "Oh, Not Alone." As a child I clung to my mother's leg, trying to keep from being sent with grandpa. They had to peel me off of her. She said, "Stop being silly."

---Next day I talked to trusted person who had promised and betrayed. He blamed someone else. Childhood: adults never took responsibility.

---The thing they did repeated an ongoing childhood trauma. In the abuses, they did _________ lots and lots of times.

I am very ready to share this with T. I've held this all alone for way too long. Thank you to those who read this and heard me.

« Last Edit: March 06, 2021, 04:59:21 PM by notalone »

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Snowdrop

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #78 on: March 06, 2021, 02:52:19 PM »
I hear you, Notalone. Sitting with you in support. :grouphug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #79 on: March 06, 2021, 04:14:46 PM »
I hear you too. My memory brought up so much for you. I'm impressed how much you can sit with and allow the different layers and parts to come clear for you in your present day adult.  :thumbup:

Little notalone was not being silly! Nor was older notalone in the psych ward incident. I'm sitting with you.  :hug: :hug:

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Bach

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #80 on: March 07, 2021, 04:44:21 PM »
Oh, notalone, I had experiences like that in a psychiatric hospital as a teenager.  It hurts so much to think about.  It's brave for you to confront that.  My entire teenage hospital experience was deeply traumatising in many different ways and I have never thought about in terms of the layers of it the way you have done here.  I think I will need to do that soon, and though it is frightening, the way you've written about it here presents a structured way to explore it that could make looking at more manageable.  Thank you deeply for sharing.  I am hearing, supporting and appreciating you  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #81 on: March 07, 2021, 07:14:57 PM »
. . .I realize there are many layers to what happened.

Another thought came today regarding the layers in the incident that happened in the hospital.

---The next day, a staff person said that I was only in situation (the part I can't put into writing) for five minutes. The feeling was, it wasn't that long, so not a big deal. In an instance of CSA, abusers were laughing and saying, "This won't take long."



Snowdrop, Thank you for hearing me, sitting with me with support. I feel that and it matters.  :hug:

Blueberry, I know you have pain from hospital stay(s) also.  :'( This really has opened the door to the many layers of this event becoming clear. I have held this alone for decades. Even with all the CSA that I've shared with other Ts, I've never told about this. Even though I feel shame and many other feelings, I am already beginning to feel some healing from being able to name what happened and the childhood roots of trauma, and by sharing here and being heard and cared for by you and others. Thank you for stating that I was not being silly. Thanks for being here for me. It means so much.

Bach, I am so sorry that you had traumatizing hospitalization experiences. When it is the right time for you to look at that trauma and the layers, if that is helpful, if you choose to share on OOTS, I am here to listen. (If you want to share with PM, I am okay with that.) Thank you for hearing, supporting. I appreciate you too.  :hug:



I went to church today and the service was moving and meaningful to me. I have viewed my journey of dealing with childhood abuse as a very rugged, dangerous, mountain journey. I have known Jesus is with me; sometimes pretty close and sometimes there, but not within eyesight. In church, they showed a picture of Jesus clinging to the side of a cliff and reaching down for a lost lamb. I felt like he was telling me that he wasn't just next to me, watching me on my journey, he was actively with me, in the danger, actively participating with me and for me. Interesting that I pictured him as passive, like H and F.

Feeling Jesus' care brought tears. The last two weeks have been so incredibly stressful and I've felt my aloneness. Really, I wanted to just sob, but since I was in church, I allowed for some tears, but kept the waterfall back. I wish that was something that could be turned off and on with a switch, and I could go somewhere private and allow for all those feelings to be released. Even the little I was able to let out, was a release from some of the pressure that I've been under.

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dollyvee

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #82 on: March 08, 2021, 09:52:45 AM »
Just wanted to offer a hug notalone  :hug: it makes me really upset that the people who were supposed to help you (and Bach), hurt you further. Things like that should never be allowed to happen and I can understand why it might be so difficult to share. So, just giving you another hug if you need it  :hug:


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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #83 on: March 08, 2021, 02:31:26 PM »
Thank you, Dollyvee. Appreciate your care and hugs.

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #84 on: March 09, 2021, 10:40:43 PM »
I told T about the incident that happened in the hospital. I was going to say more, but I'm feeling overwhelmed. T heard me and validated my feelings. After seeing him, I wrote some letters (not to send, this was decades ago) to some of the staff involved. I keep thinking I want to say more in this post, but then it feels like too much, so I will leave it at this for now.

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Snowdrop

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #85 on: March 10, 2021, 06:07:20 AM »
Well done, Notalone. I understand it being overwhelming.  I'm glad T heard you and validated you.
 :grouphug:

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Bach

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #86 on: March 10, 2021, 02:50:02 PM »
It IS overwhelming.  You are so brave.  Thank you for sharing  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #87 on: March 10, 2021, 11:43:47 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop & Bach.

So much to process regarding hospital situation. Again, I find myself overwhelmed and unable to write much. Besides the three letters that I wrote to staff (not to send), I wrote a letter to the Littles who experienced that trauma. I was not able to address the staff member with whom I was the most connected and who broke a major promise he had made to me. Looking back, I believe that I was set up by a staff member who, for some reason, had something against me.

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #88 on: March 12, 2021, 02:04:24 AM »
This is part of a letter that I wrote to nurse, who had something against me and set me up.

      As a human being, even if you didn't like me, could you find no compassion for someone with so much pain? Not only that, you attacked the very areas of vulnerability and childhood trauma.
      You were unprofessional, cruel; and you, who are supposed to be a healer; caused more pain and trauma.

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #89 on: March 12, 2021, 02:25:03 AM »
That's a terrible thing Notalone, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. There's really no words to describe this "you, who are supposed to be a healer; caused more pain and trauma." 

I hope this letter writing is helping you to process and heal.