Not Alone: 2021

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing the image of a memory being nearby and having edges.  I often experience that too and didn't have words for it. 

I hope you found some rest this evening. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainydiary.

[Tee]

  I hope you can have a calm even and are able to distract again tomorrow.  New memories are hard take your time to process of you can. Hugs I'm dealing with new things too hoping I'm coming to the end of new I'm not sure how many more new horrible things I can take in my life. I often think sometimes I would be better off if the memories had not surfaced.😣😔. Sending a big hug of understanding and encouragement.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I know that your session with your T is coming up soon, and I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and that I hope it goes well.   

Sending you a hug of support and also care   

So many things that you have written have been helpful to me and to my parts as well.  I hope that's ok to say that.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

  I'm not sure how many more new horrible things I can take in my life. I often think sometimes I would be better off if the memories had not surfaced.😣

I get that, Tee. I pray that what needs to be known will be revealed, what is okay to stay buried, will stay hidden. When I look back over that last few years, when the past has exploded into my life, even though it's been REALLY hard, I'm still glad that I'm now walking in the truth.

Hi Notalone,
I know that your session with your T is coming up soon, and I wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and that I hope it goes well.   

Sending you a hug of support and also care   

So many things that you have written have been helpful to me and to my parts as well.  I hope that's ok to say that.

Hope 

Hope, thank you for thinking of me and my session. That means a lot to me. I always appreciate your hugs and care.  Hugs and care to you. I'm glad that some things that I've written have been helpful. What you share is often a help to me too.



From Hope (written with help from an older Part)

I had my long session today when I told T what happened to me. It was hard to do and scary. I'm glad I had a longer time, because it would have been really hard to tell him and then leave.

When I got home I held Harriet (my doll) and slept for a long time. We didn't do anything else today. Not Alone wrote lots of thoughts in journal. I talked to my friend on the phone. She knows me. Not Alone (and me in the background) watched a safe movie with daughter.

TW
I feel really, really sad. My mama gaved me to the bad men. I needed her to come and get me, needed it so bad down to the middle of me. She didn't come. Of course she didn't come. She gave me to them. She wouldn't come until they were done. I needed her. Hurts so bad. I'm so sad.

From Hope

[woodsgnome]

Little Hope, I too was saddened to find out that you had people who couldn't come to help you. I want you to feel safe with these words, but I'm afraid they're not really enough, either. Words, even nice ones, can't ever soothe the ache you feel about what happened.

I'm so glad, though, that you were able to tell the T person about some of the pain, though. It seems strange, but somehow things like that help.

And having Harriet also helps. Maybe you can rest just knowing that there are many known to your older self who are not at all like those who were mean and didn't treasure you. Well -- we do -- and even if you can't feel this right now, our wish is simple and offered in our thankfulness that you're now okay, at least. Sleep well.

[Not Alone]

Woodsgnome, your kindness has touched my (and Hope's) heart.

There is so much that I am processing. I've been writing in my journal quite a bit. Also trying to be gentle with myself.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with woodsgnome - you are treasured here, and my heart breaks for you that you were not cared for, were given away instead of protected from the bad men. i'm glad it's over, and very proud of you that you were able to release some of the pain.  that is so hard, sometimes.  what a strong, brave girl you are!  sending love and hugs filled with a lotion made of care and comfort for all your wounds.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, San. 

[Bach]

You did so well, Hope, I'm proud of you!  I hope you feel a little better.  Here's a hug if you want it

And proud of you, notalone, for all your hard work in keeping Hope safe and supported and creating the right situation so she could tell.  Much love to you

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach. I like hugs. 

Our kitten was naughty today. She kept going after the dog who is old. Not Alone was on her computer and heard the dog growl. She looked over her screen and the kitten had the dog's tail in her mouth! Right now she is sleeping on my lap so she is being a good kitten. She's very soft.

Not Alone wants me to feel safe.

[Pioneer]

  for you notalone and Hope. Good job being so brave. I hope you will know that you are safe now 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Pioneer. 

Tough morning. Body memories, along with that the feelings of shame, fear, and aloneness. I felt a lot of sadness also, which I don't remember feeling before with body memories. I texted some trusted friends. Was glad I reached out. As I was reminding myself that I was safe and that I'm not alone, it helped to have their text responses of care. By the afternoon the physical memories had ended.

[Blueberry]

  You're through the body memories already!
I know you've being doing a lot of hard work and for little Hope scary work recently. So I'd just like to give you a  and tell little Hope that she was so brave.  Giving Hope

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, Hope says thank you and gives a hug to you. 

I'm having body memories again. Or maybe I have pain and it hooks into memories. I'm not sure if it matters. Trying to tell myself (and Hope) that I'm safe. Adult me feels the panic too so I don't know that I'm very reassuring to Hope. Maybe I'll take a little time now for soft blanket and teddy bear. I want my T. I want this to stop. Scared.