Not Alone: 2021

Started by Not Alone, December 31, 2020, 05:05:14 PM

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Snowdrop

I feel so angry with that nurse. How could they! Someone in that role! :pissed:

Not Alone

Jazzy, thank you. Writing the letters is helping me to process. What happened to me was minimized by staff at the time. Sharing it now and writing the letters is helping me to know that the incident was a really big deal and was very traumatizing to me. It has opened the door to the many layers involved, which is painful, but I believe also good.

Snowdrop, thank you for sharing your anger. It reinforces that what she did was wrong and an abuse of her power.


Not Alone

I didn't sleep well last night. I think that an issue between my husband and I might have been keeping my body on heightened alert and unable to relax.

There are several directions that I want to go in therapy tomorrow, but after tomorrow I won't see him for two weeks. That makes it harder. What is safe to bring up and not put me in a difficult place? Ughh.

Snowdrop

I hope therapy goes well. Thinking of you. :grouphug:

Jazzy

I hope you resolve this thing with your husband and can relax soon!

I hear you that you are having difficulty deciding on how your T appointment.

I don't mean to tell you what to do, but perhaps there are more options you haven't considered yet.


  • Maybe it would be best not to bring up something new until you have a timely follow up ready.
  • Maybe you can review/revisit something you have already started to work with.
  • Maybe you can get some new/additional information/exercises from your T to help you in the coming weeks.
  • Maybe you don't need to go to this appointment at all (especially if it is costly and you want to make the most of your sessions).
  • Maybe you should just tell your T exactly what you wrote here, and see what they think

Of course, it is for you to decide what is best. :) All the best with it!

Not Alone

Snowdrop, thank you for your well wishes.
Jazzy, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I did end up going to a place in therapy that was risky. It turned out well. I don't want to write any more unless/until the Little who was there wants to share.

My anxiety has been increasing the last 30 minutes. Maybe because I have the news on T.V.; covid (sometimes feel like I can't bear it any more), violence, politics. Maybe because I need to go to bed soon. Sometimes that doesn't feel safe and no matter how tired I am, I lie there with my body on high alert.

The kitten has just climbed into my lap. I think I will enjoy her for a bit and focus on breathing and the positive things that happened in therapy.

Snowdrop

I hope you were able to sleep well, Notalone. I'm so glad therapy went well. :grouphug:

Not Alone

Thank you, Snowdrop. I did sleep well.  :grouphug:

dollyvee

Sounds like you are making progress  :applause: :cheer:


Not Alone


dollyvee

Relationship issues are so tough to handle, I commend you for persevering. When I encounter a partner who is avoidant or withdraws their feelings, I have an internal meltdown. I can't get past that. You're doing well for making it as far as you have  :hug:

Not Alone

#101
Today I visited my MIL (mother-in-law). One of husband's sisters was there. My H has described her as a bitter person. In the past she has cut off family members with no communication or explanation. When I walked in I greeted her. She gave a one word, short response. She also said, "I thought H was coming."  (Not sure if she was upset with her brother for not coming or upset with me for being there.) A bit later I was talking and I said something that they (the "kids") are not letting MIL know about. I probably should have been more thoughtful about that. I don't life that way; i.e., secrets, "protecting" people from the truth, etc., so I didn't think about it. I could feel her anger amped up many levels. A bit after that another sister came so I was glad to talk to her. I continued to feel large amounts of anger radiating from sister #1.

On my drive home, I was praying about this and thinking about it. Husband's family is avoidant. In this situation it was like I came in swinging a sledge hammer, knocking bricks out of SIL's many walls. She reacted like she has since I've known her, anger and retreat and hold onto anger indefinitely. Did I have fault in this? I could have thought more about what I said, and knowing the family, have guessed that it was something they did not talk to MIL about. SIL seemed angry when I came in and appeared even angrier after I said what I said.

Why does it bother me? It's not about the relationship. We have never had more than a superficial friendly relationship, so it's not a break in the relationship that is troubling. In my childhood, someone's anger was dangerous. I'm sure my body/mind automatically responded with high alert and disruption. I know some people would say, "It's her issue. Don't worry about it." I wish I could do that. Maybe what I need to say to myself is: "You might have made a mistake in saying what you did. You're human. It's okay. It is very okay that you don't fit in with an avoidant system. SIL seemed angry at you when you arrived. She certainly seems much angrier. If she wanted to deal with that, it is her responsibility to approach you. Very unlikely that she will, but it is still on her. Even though she is very angry, you are not in danger from her. She will likely withdraw even further, but she will not hurt you."


Snowdrop

QuoteIn my childhood, someone's anger was dangerous. I'm sure my body/mind automatically responded with high alert and disruption.

Same here. I respond in that way too.

Quote"You might have made a mistake in saying what you did. You're human. It's okay. It is very okay that you don't fit in with an avoidant system. SIL seemed angry at you when you arrived. She certainly seems much angrier. If she wanted to deal with that, it is her responsibility to approach you. Very unlikely that she will, but it is still on her. Even though she is very angry, you are not in danger from her. She will likely withdraw even further, but she will not hurt you."

When I read these words, I felt soothed. I felt parts calming down and feeling safe.
:grouphug:

Not Alone

Quote from: Snowdrop on March 18, 2021, 07:26:01 PM
When I read these words, I felt soothed. I felt parts calming down and feeling safe.

:grouphug:  I need to keep telling myself those things. I think I also need to work on bringing calm to my body. I went for a walk with a friend. We didn't talk about this, but being outside was helpful. I still feel the tightness in my core. Maybe I'll do some visualization/meditation.

I told my H what happened. He was supportive.

Hope67

Hi Notalone,
I'm glad your walk outside with your friend was helpful.  I'm glad that your H was supportive when you told him what happened.  I wanted to send you a hug of support too  :hug:  You said 'I also need to work on bringing calm to my body' - and I hope you're able to achieve that more and more, to a level that feels comfortable and calming. 

I also read what Snowdrop said when she said 'I felt parts calming down and feeling safe'.  I hope to carry those words with me today as well. 

Hope  :)