Not Alone: 2021

[Jazzy]

I'm glad to hear from you notalone! I've been concerned about you.

Trying to get a full time job sounds extremely stressful and all kinds of difficult. You do a much better job at explaining it than I could. It sounds great that you've been relaxing a bit with the xanax and netflix.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're terrified and I wish I could help make it better. I hope you find peace.

All the best to you notalone.

[Bach]

  

[Not Alone]

Armadillo, thank you for your understanding.
Jazzy, I appreciate your concern. For this moment I have some peace, so I'm grateful for that.
Bach, back to you and all the Bs. 

The panic and feelings of "I can't" have left for now. I am hoping that when I attempt to do this one small part of my resume tomorrow, that I am able to think and to do it. I will try to only focus on that one task and not the future. For now, I will try not to think about it

[Blueberry]

  I understand you so well, I'm going into freeze thinking about it.

I think it's great that you decided to take a break and to try again tomorrow. fwiw I did the same yesterday to try again today when I was stuck in freeze and not going any further.

I'm sorry trauma work has been so tough. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you Blueberry. I so appreciate your understanding and support. At least now I have learned enough to know that part of my brain has shut down. Previously I would have continued to struggle for a long time, not made progress, and then verbally beat myself up. It does help to know that you and others with c-PTSD have the same struggles, especially when I'm thinking that I should be more functioning.

I've been working on revamping my resume, gearing it toward the career I had previous to possible full time job. I find it really overwhelming so I've been working on little bits at a time. Today's task left me completely overwhelmed. I could only come up with two bullet points for a job that I did well for many years. I couldn't think. Couldn't not come up with thoughts or words. After sitting, mostly frozen, for awhile, I decided that persevering at that time was pointless. I put it away, took a xanax, and am back to Netflix. I hope that when I go back to it tomorrow, I will be able to think.

Today I was able to complete that task. It's not perfect, but good enough for now. After completing that part, I made myself put it away and am trying to keep resume and job hunting thoughts to a minimum.

[Armadillo]

I hate the brain shutdown. Sometimes though it is so in your face and obvious you can't help but try to have some compassion for how hard we have to work to function with a brain that shuts down semi-regularly.

Good job trying to put away thoughts about the resume when you aren't actively working on it.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armadillo. 

[sanmagic7]

notalone, i'm glad you got to a place that seems more manageable.  it's a show of your strength and determination.  sending love and a hug filled with one step, then another, and that's all that matters, however that might play out.

[Blueberry]

Today I was able to complete that task. It's not perfect, but good enough for now. After completing that part, I made myself put it away and am trying to keep resume and job hunting thoughts to a minimum.

for each of those 3 sentences

At least now I have learned enough to know that part of my brain has shut down. ...It does help to know that you and others with c-PTSD have the same struggles, especially when I'm thinking that I should be more functioning.

It's really helpful for me that you wrote part of your brain has shut down. I tend to think and say it's the whole of my brain, which is plainly not true. It's also really helpful that you wrote the whole sentence because it seems to have a different effect on me seeing someone else has written it. Idk if that makes sense but that's how it feels.

Oh I see that should thing is in your mind too

[Jazzy]

Sounds great notalone! I'm happy to hear you're realizing what's going on in your mind and taking action to help.

[Not Alone]

San, Blueberry, Jazzy, thank you. I know it's been awhile. I had a couple of weeks where it was too hard for me to be on OOTS. BB, yes that does make sense.

Today after my session, when I got home, I asked myself how I could bring some comfort to the 13/14-year-old Part of me. I put the weighted blanket on her and she watched a couple of T.V. shows (streaming). I had to get through some shoulds.  I shouldn't be watching T.V. during the day. (I usually don't have the T.V. on during the day.) I should go for a walk since it is a nice day. I should journal my session. I should clean the house. I asked myself, "Are these shoulds helpful? Are they bringing kindness to myself?" No. I can't say I didn't have any guilt for watching T.V., but it wasn't too strong.

I did go for a walk and called a friend.

It's so hard living with this stuff (trauma). Ughhh.

[Jazzy]

It is very difficult but you're doing a great job, Notalone! 

I really like how you asked yourself if the shoulds  were bringing you kindness. That's very important! 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Jazzy. I agree, asking if something brings kindness is important. Kindness is a journey for me.

I had been scheduled to work today. When I got there I was no longer on the schedule. Apparently there was a change and either no one informed me, or they informed me and I missed the message. I was a bit irritated that no one told me of the change. I also understand that glitches happen. When I got home I started getting anxious about if I missed a message; was it my fault? I'm a little irritated (I guess with my life situation) that I end up questioning myself and needing to know that I didn't do anything wrong. I only spent a little bit of time trying to figure out how to retrieve deleted text messages. (I didn't figure it out.) I was able to let go of the need to know if it was my fault fairly quickly, so that is growth. It was nice to have the day off. 

[rainydiary]

Oh Notalone, I can so relate to this type of thing happening and how I would respond.  I'm glad you were able to have some time for yourself today despite a difficult start. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainydiary.