Not Alone: 2021

[Jazzy]

I've hit a bit of a wall for today, but that's okay.

WOW! This is phenomenal. Knowing when you need a break is how you keep from getting too low. Excellent work respecting yourself by taking preventive measures like this. 

[Armadillo]

That's quite a bit for one day Not Alone! Planning ahead to make cookies seems exceptionally impressive to me.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Jazzy. Recognizing my wall, not beating myself up for it being there, and taking a break if possible; is growth in self-care for me. I appreciate you recognizing it.

Armadillo, I'm trying to reduce stress for the event coming up as much as possible. Making treats ahead of time is something that I can do to take a little off of my shoulders closer to the time of the event.



The following is bothering me more than I thought. It's like a cloak around me of feelings and a deeper realization of the hopelessness of the situation.

There was talk of my H seeing a therapist. Won't go into all the details. Had another conversation about it this morning. I'll skip telling you the details of the conversation where he blamed/used me for an excuse.

Me: The point of going to therapy is if you want to work on your issues. It doesn't have anything to do with what I think or say. It's if you want to work on your stuff.
H: I don't think I do [want to work on my issues].

Note, from my point of view, I think that his "stuff" is little ability for conversation, lack of feelings, lack of ability for emotional intimacy. All of that equals a very shallow and empty marriage.

I feel like another nail has been hammered into the coffin of my marriage.

I'm really hurt and angry for so many reasons regarding my H.

[Not Alone]

I took two xanax this afternoon and took a long nap.

Typical Avoidant, my husband has regulated and all is fine with him. I carry the distress and pain.

My H doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to work on it. That really, really hurts. One of the articles that I read on Avoidant Personality called being married to an Avoidant, "silent divorce." Ever since I read that it resonated with me. I feel it really strongly right now. Pain. Alone.

[Jazzy]

Notalone:

I am so sorry to hear you are hurting like this!  I'm glad you took a nap, and I hope you continue to care for yourself through this struggle.

"Silent divorce" makes a lot of sense to me. I wonder if it is more than that as well though. What you said about the nail in the coffin makes me think your H may be emotionally dead.

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to work on things, perhaps he doesn't think it is possible to improve. That sounds very hopeless to me. Maybe at some point he will be able to express why. Hopefully that will be a small step towards him understanding what is going on in his life, and if he is truly happy with it or not.

...all is fine with him. I carry the distress and pain.

I really feel this. It's so horrible! I'm sorry, Notalone. 

I hope you're feeling better soon!

<3 Jazzy

[Libby183]

Notalone, I am so sorry to read your recent posts about your marriage. It all feels so, so similar to my marriage. My H never considered that he had any role in our problems and would never have even considered therapy because he had no issues that needed addressing. Like you, I carried all of the distress and pain.

I'm so sad for you and wish so much that I had more words.

[Blueberry]

My H doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to work on it. That really, really hurts.

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, thank you for your compassion.

Libby, your words are helpful. I know that you (unfortunately) share the experience of living with an Avoidant spouse. Having someone who knows at that level helps me to feel less alone, so thank you for sharing with me.

Blueberry, I feel those compassionate hugs.



For a long time now my H and I have been living fairly separately within the same house; he's downstairs and I'm upstairs in our bedroom. Occasionally we will share a meal or watch a movie together. Right now I'm feeling like I don't want to be around him at all. Being polite and kind and completely surface-level relationship ----ugh. 

When the subject of him going to therapy first came up last week (not worth writing the details), I tried to not get my hopes up. I had some hope, but not as much as I would have in the past. I prayed and told Jesus that I've had so many embers of hope about our relationship that have been rained on in the past, please put out any sparks of hope that will lead nowhere. Jesus did answer that prayer. H telling me he was not willing to look at or work on his own stuff was pretty clear.

Throughout our marriage my H has given me tidbits of hope that he wants more intimacy. I have learned that Avoidants give crumbs to keep someone hooked. "Bread crumbing:  When you are being bread crumbed, the other person is tossing you out small bits of reinforcement, just enough to keep you around." https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315

Right now my H is being friendly and making jokes. I can't stand it! I wish I had a place to go. I don't want to be anywhere near him. "Submarining: Similar to ghosting, except the person pops up again out of the blue and acts like nothing ever happened." (Dr. Sharie Stines) https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315 He doesn't leave because we live together, but he definitely acts like nothing happened. Our marriage is DEAD and he acts like nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong for him. As my T says, "He's in his happy place." No emotions, no need for communication, no emotional connection or commitment.

I am trying to think of a place where I can go. I can't stand to be in the same house with H right now. Most of my friends are married and have families. My one friend that I would feel safe with is 8 hours away. I even thought about going to a hotel. Maybe I'll take xanax again and disappear.

[Armadillo]

 


Ask your friends. As someone with a family if I had a dear friend struggling and suffering in your situation I would want to take you in. I would want to help you get a fresh start. I would welcome another set of helping hands around the house. It may be that it doesnt work out if their spouse is not on the same page but it's worth a try. 

Please don't disappear. Stay with this. Its telling you something needs to change for you to be happy. Listen to it, Not Alone.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armadillo. I should clarify that I wasn't wanting to leave completely. I'm not at that point and I have my kids to think about. Even though they are adults, us separating would affect them greatly.

I ended up driving to church. I don't know why. No one was there of course. I sat in my car in the parking lot for quite awhile. I journaled, cried a bit. Then I started to feel panic. I can't pinpoint what the panic was about.

I went back home. I took some xanax and slept for several hours.

[Jazzy]

 

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

 

I understand. I'm sorry you're in such a  stage right now where nothing quite feels right. You'll get where you need to be when it's time.

I hate panic that comes out of the blue with no real story to go with it. 😪

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Jazzy and Armadillo.

I had a tough morning. When I woke up I wanted to just put the covers over my head and stay in bed. I forced myself to get up and get ready for church. I was running late. I put my stuff in the car then realized two family members had their cars parked behind me. I didn't want to wake them to get keys and I was already quite late.

I gave up. I sat in the bathroom feeing like "I can't. . ." I texted my friend who was expecting me at church and told her that I wasn't coming because my car was blocked. I was really at the edge of the cliff, or maybe over the cliff. I couldn't stand to "be" and was trying to figure out what to do. Xanax? (so tired of living via xanax this weekend) Self-harm? Maybe. Call someone? Who would I call? Call suicide hotline? I'm not suicidal. I just can't. This was all going around and around in my head and feeling like I couldn't continue to be. I received a text back from my friend saying she and her husband would pick me up at 9:30. I was really disoriented. I was an hour ahead. I've been going to this church for a couple of months, but I was so disoriented that I got the starting time wrong. That was confusing and disturbing.

I ended up moving the cars then driving. After church my friend put her arm around me and I cried. Another woman came over and prayed for me. That was kind and I appreciated their care.

There was a picnic after church. I had planned on going, but I was in such a bad emotional place. I wasn't sure what to do. I ended up going to the picnic. I'm glad I went. I was able to talk to a few people and not be an emotional wreck.

Now I'm home and really don't want to be near my husband. I'm not. As usual, he's downstairs and I'm upstairs. To him everything is the same. To me, in saying that he isn't willing to look at his issues, he made it really clear that he doesn't care enough about me or our marriage to make any changes. He didn't file for divorce, but it almost feels like that. Hope for relationship with him, beyond superficial closeness, has died (or maybe is dying). Hope dying is a big deal. I am not overreacting.

Added to this, his being superficial and acting like nothing is wrong, when I'm in intense emotional pain, is a mirror of childhood. Act like everything is okay. . . (too much to say more now).

[rainydiary]

 

[Jazzy]

 

I appreciate you sharing, Notalone. I'm sorry I can't be more of a support for you right now, but this topic of a dead marriage is too much for me to handle. 

It's great that you are working through it, and especially how your friends are helping. It's so powerful that despite all of this, you are able to spend some time with them like at the picnic.

Hopefully in the future you will feel more comfortable reaching out to your friends. Please also feel free to reach out here. While it may not be immediate, it is a place where you are not alone.

<3 Jazzy