Not Alone: 2021

[Armadillo]

 

Good job getting help and comfort from friends. 

Hope dying in a relationship is a huge deal. It really is. It's heart breaking. Once you really know what you are facing and what you have the power to change and not change...it can also be a little freeing, eventually. Sad. Very sad. But also freeing. It's not the same at all, as a marriage, especially I think with the spiritual component that feels like it might be important in your life, and with your kids, but I will say realizing there was no hope for fixing things with my mom opened me up to not being so hard on myself that I couldn't fix it, to just letting it be,

[Bach]

Hi Notalone it's Middle B    Bach is really sad that you're sad but she's sick right now and can't think of what to say so I'm sending you some pretty pictures I took in the yard.  We have to stay resting all the time and I'm really bored but every day when the sun is out we go out in the yard for a little while and lie on the lounge chair or in the grass.  I especially like lying in the grass, that makes me feel relaxed!  Bach isn't sure if I should send you pictures or not but I said I don't think you'll mind   

Yummy peas! I love peas!
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51275701727_0f572e508e_b.jpg

Pretty tree! It is older than me, Bach planted it like 22 years ago or something.
https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51277191049_9f37bcb252_b.jpg

[Libby183]

Notalone.

I am so sorry to read how difficult a time you are having with regards to your husband. I really do feel your pain, but am so pleased that you were able to go to church and to a picnic. When you are so  lonely at home, any connection is so comforting, isn't it?

I hope that you can work through this terribly difficult part of your life. I am with you in spirit.

[BeeKeeper]

hello notalone,

I loved this:

I ended up moving the cars then driving.

The fact is you took action and it was all about self-care. That's really important, especially because life is so raw right now. You have the strength needed within yourself to make similar choices. You are cared for and important.

[Not Alone]

Raindiary, I saw your hug on the day that you sent it and your care meant a lot to me.

Jazzy, I appreciate your support.

Please also feel free to reach out here. While it may not be immediate, it is a place where you are not alone.<3 Jazzy

This invitation and reminder, warms my heart.

Armadillo,

Hope dying in a relationship is a huge deal. It really is. It's heart breaking. Once you really know what you are facing and what you have the power to change and not change...it can also be a little freeing, eventually. Sad. Very sad. But also freeing. It's not the same at all, as a marriage, especially I think with the spiritual component that feels like it might be important in your life, and with your kids, but I will say realizing there was no hope for fixing things with my mom opened me up to not being so hard on myself that I couldn't fix it, to just letting it be,

I really appreciate your affirmation that this is really hard. You are right that the spiritual component and my kids will be important considerations in the decisions that I make. I don't know what that looks like. I'm just beginning to allow that I have choices to make, "power to change or not change."

Middle B, I am so happy to hear from you. I bet that you are bored. I hope that you have a lot of sunny days where you can be outside. I'm sorry that Bach is so sick. 

I love the pictures that you sent me. Thank you so much! Are the peas in your garden? They are amazing. I love the tree. The sun streaming through the leaves is so pretty. You are very creative. You really are a gifted photographer.

Libby, I appreciate your support. I know that you get it. It is really hard to be lonely at home.

Thank you, BeeKeeper. Thank you for your affirmation.

You are cared for and important.

Thank you. I need that reminder.

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I met with a group of friends today. We're doing a book study/discussion together. I cried and told them what is going on. They were caring and prayed for me.

I saw my therapist today. He told me that there are a lot of choices that I have. He talked about some, but it is all too overwhelming right now. I need to take it slowly. I also don't want to act on any big decisions until after a family event happening in a couple of months. When I'm not so overwhelmed, I will look at possible choices, boundaries. Also need to talk more with T about talking to the kids. It all feels confusing to me right now. 

[Armadillo]

 

You have time, as long as there isn't outright abuse,  so take it. Just opening your mind to the concept you have some choices is huge. I wish you had a loving partner. Take care of yourself.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry this is hurting so badly, Notalone. 

I'm encouraged to see you pacing yourself by deferring things until later, when you are better able to deal with them. That is great self-care! 

<3 Jazzy

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armadillo & Jazzy. Yes, it is a big thing to know that I have choices and also to take my time deciding on my next step.

I went over what my T said yesterday regarding situation w/ H. I'm starting to be able to think and not just be all fuzzy in my head.

I did feel a bit strange, physically, at work today. I only worked 4 hours, but it was exhausting. I think I was affected by the heat.

I'm looking at a applying for a FT job that has an opening. It is a bit further away than I was hoping to commute. So far I haven't even been asked to interview for the jobs that I've applied for. Applying isn't a commitment, so I'll apply and see what happens.

Working all day tomorrow. It usually goes by quickly.

[Bach]

Hi Notalone    We could only go outside for five minutes early in the morning yesterday because even though it was sunny it was too too too HOT!   But when we were outside we picked some peas in the garden and they were yummy for a snack.  The peas are in our garden growing along with lots of other yummy vegetables like greenbeans and carrots and spaghetti squash and beets and peppers and COOOORN  .  Then there's also some stuff out there I don't like so much but Bach grows it because it's "healthy" and her Person makes it into juice.  Yuck.  But it's "good for us" so I guess it's okay.  Oh also tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce!  YUM!  I love the garden!  I still can't believe that Bach can grow real food!  We also have zillions of flowers so the bees come to visit.  I couldn't take any pictures yesterday but here's one I took a long time ago with bees.

https://live.staticflickr.com/8761/28242068433_a0de1bec69_b.jpg

I hope you're feeling okay today! Now we have to go rest again, blah  Thank you for being my friend  Bye for now! 

[Armadillo]

 

That's amazing that the fog is lifting a bit. I hate those fuzzy feeling stretches. But boy contrasted with those periods when your brain feels more "normal"....it sure makes normal feel amazing.

I'm so proud of you for having the courage to apply for a fulltime job. That shows so much mental strength! Even if you don't take it, the fact you feel strong enough to even consider it is wonderful. 

[Not Alone]

Middle B, I was so glad to hear from you. Seeing your note made me smile. It seems to me that you like a lot of wonderful food from the garden that is healthy. It all tastes better fresh from the garden.

I love your bee photo. That is amazing. That should be on a greeting card. You are so talented!     

Thank you for being my friend too.         

Armadillo, I do spend a lot of time in the fog.  Sometimes foggier than others.

Truthfully, I don't feel strong enough for a full time job, at all. My H will be retiring and I need a job with insurance. The burden feels more than I can bear. Trying to take one step at a time.
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Work itself was fine today. All day though, I felt a sick feeling (emotional) in my stomach. Early in the day I was able to tell myself, "There has been a death. (Death of hope of connection in my marriage.) Be gentle and kind with yourself. It is a big deal and it makes sense that you feel this way." I still had to put on a "face"  for work; it's part of the job.

I still feel. . .grief, I guess. Fear too. When I do decide what boundaries that I want to implement to make things more bearable, I don't know how H will react. At the earliest, that will be two months away. I have time to think about and process my options.  In the meantime, I carry these awful feelings. Dread. Sadness. Disappointment. Fear. Loss.

I don't have it in me right now to modify a cover letter to sent to job possibility. If anyone is there now, they will probably leave soon anyway, so waiting until tomorrow morning won't make a difference. So far, for the other places where I applied, I haven't gotten an interview. I don't know why. I'm trying to trust that the right job will come at the right time, but it's an enormous burden.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, I appreciate how challenging it is to live without the feeling of connection we would like and having to face the world while grieving.  I will be thinking of you. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, RainyDiary. I know that you face very similar challenges.

[Not Alone]

Throughout our marriage my H has given me tidbits of hope that he wants more intimacy. I have learned that Avoidants give crumbs to keep someone hooked. "Bread crumbing:  When you are being bread crumbed, the other person is tossing you out small bits of reinforcement, just enough to keep you around." https://therecoveryexpert.com/?p=315

When I talked to T about this, he said that he thinks that the 5-6 marriage counseling sessions that we had (pre-covid) was a bread crumb. He wasn't looking for truth or possibility of change, he was trying to appease me. I agree. At the end of our session, T said, "Guard your heart from the bread crumbs."

[rainydiary]