Not Alone: 2021

[rainydiary]

 

[Armadillo]

 

[Snowdrop]

Oh that's brilliant news! Well done you!

[Libby183]

So pleased for you, notalone. What a great achievement!

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainydiary, Armadillo, Snowdrop, Libby, and all of you who have been supportive of me with the stress of the job situation.

[CactusFlower]

Congrats! that's awesome!

[Not Alone]

All the things I've had to consider in looking for a job:

- insurance that covers therapist
- how much they pay
- hours working
- what the job entails. Will I probably mostly enjoy it?
- How long is my commute?
- Will I maybe, possibly, manage to do this job while swimming in the ocean of cPTSD?

From many people's perspectives, the decision would be more focused on income and job security. That seems logical. However, my biggest priorities are having my therapy covered and a job that is the least stressful. I have been, and continue to fight these inner battles, hearing voices that are from "the world." I continue to struggle with that. When I texted my friends about the job that I accepted, I started writing an explanation for accepting a low paying job. I erased my justification before I sent the texts.

Those mental gymnastics were already going on. Then my husband said, "My first thought was that you jumped the gun and could have held out for a higher paying job."  I told him that I had other things to consider, like working full time while struggling with cPTSD. He said it was just his first thought.

The next day we were talking about the insurance and me having to pay part of that. He said, "We might have to consider if this job is worth it." I said, "You have no idea of how hard all this is for me." In typical Avoidant, he next said something that was barely, if at all, related to what I just said.
         

I'm trying to not let my H's insensitive cluelessness take away my joy of being offered and accepting a job that I think I will mostly enjoy. Many others are rejoicing with me and are supportive, including those of you here.

I hope that in the not-too-far-future, I can get to a place where his avoidance and lack of understanding are not so impactful.

[Armadillo]

All the things I've had to consider in looking for a job:

- insurance that covers therapist
- how much they pay
- hours working
- what the job entails. Will I probably mostly enjoy it?
- How long is my commute?
- Will I maybe, possibly, manage to do this job while swimming in the ocean of cPTSD?

This looks like my list too, even for thinking about taking new positions in my current place. I duck away from other assignments that would be meaningful and that I would be the top candidate for because of fears about work hours and managing with the symptoms and the executive function struggles like concentration and organization.

I am very happy you found something that feels good. I'm so sorry your husband does not get it and probably won't.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armadillo. Appreciate your understanding and being happy for me. You're right, H probably won't ever get it.

[Jazzy]

Notalone

It is wonderful that you are prioritizing your health above your income. That will improve your healing so much! I feel very relieved, happy, and proud. Go you! 

I'm so sorry your H doesn't get it, so doesn't support you in this. That... that really hurts. 

Is it less worse that he avoids instead of contradicting and confronting you more strongly? It sounds like you are doing well standing up for yourself, and at least he is not fighting against you. What a horrible situation though, I'm so sorry. 

<3 Niko

[Snowdrop]

Your priorities for the job sound very sensible. I'm sorry H seems so clueless, but I'm glad you have lots of supportive people around you to share in your delight. You've done brilliantly.

[CactusFlower]

I agree with the others, your priorities for the job are very important. Getting a job isn't just the job itself, it's all you mentioned and more. Sometimes we have to change priorities, too. I hope it works out well for you. Maybe he'll be a bit more understanding if he sees that this decision worked out better for you. Unfortunately,  most of us are programmed to think more money equals more happiness, which is most definitely not the case.

[Jazzy]

Hi NotAlone! 

How are you feeling today?



<3 Niko

[Not Alone]

Jazzy, Thank you for your affirmation and encouragement. Regarding Avoidant H, yes, his avoidance and lack of feeling and empathy is really painful AND it would be worse if he were actively challenging or against me. I believe that he thinks he is being supportive by mostly leaving me alone and letting me do what I need to. It isn't the kind of support I long for, but it is a degree of support.

Snowdrop, thank you. Your encouragement means a great deal to me.

CatusFlower, You are right, dealing with cPTSD means having different priorities. Thanks for your affirmation.
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I took a brief nap this afternoon in an effort to have a break from the anxiety. It didn't work. I felt even more shaky and frozen. Also have some physical things going on, whether "real" or memories, I don't know. Regardless, the physical sensations are triggering and disturbing.

I feel like I'm trying to keep my head above water right now. The Littles are feeling needy, I feel the need to stay "adult" because of the job situation. The things that are triggering do not go away because this in not a convenient time! Right now I'm in my patio, which is a place of peace for me. The kitten is sleeping at my feet and I have candles burning. It's not a fix, but it is probably helping to bring the stress down a notch. Most likely tonight, I'll binge on T.V. I'm tired of doing that, but it is helping to get me through.

So tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

[Jazzy]

My dear Notalone,

I very gently and respectfully disagree with you about your husband being supportive.

This is painfully clear to me as I examine the history between myself and my ex-wife.

The reason your journal is so overwhelmingly difficult for me to read is because similar to your husband, I drastically neglected my own wife, especially on an emotional level.

This was never intentional; I was too traumatized to open up to her at all.

She is dealing with her own CPTSD, and despite my best intentions and efforts, my neglect has made it so much worse.

Disagreement and confrontation is very challenging for us trauma survivors, but I cannot sit here and say nothing while you write that your husband is supporting you, when he is very clearly neglecting you.

Yes, neglect is harder to notice than being overtly abusive, but it is just as painful and damaging, if not more so.

You deserve people in your life who love you, Notalone!

I hope you consider me one of those people, but I understand if you do not. 

<3 Niko