Not Alone: 2021

[Armadillo]

  Not Alone. Anxiety makes sense right now. I wonder if it helps to remind you and littles that you don't need to be adult Not Alone all the time just because of the new job. Your littles can still have their time, too. Just at work your adult will need to take the reins. I'm sorry if that's not helpful. I don't (think I) have littles, so I definitely don't know what it is like.  You'll all adjust and if something needs to be different to be manageable you can change things up.

[Snowdrop]

Your patio sounds very peaceful, Notalone.

I know that when I've been through a stressful time, it often catches up with me afterwards. It's like I do what I must to get through things, and collapse afterwards. When I read your last post, it made me wonder whether this might be a factor for you. Just a thought.

So tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

I'm nodding in agreement.

[Kizzie]

So tired of everything being so difficult. Yes, I hear all of you agreeing!

Very much agree NotAlone    I can hear how much of a struggle this all is and I am so sorry. I wish I could do more but sending along some  Would love to be there with you on the patio just listening or sitting in silence.


Jazzy - NotAlone actually said "I believe that he thinks he is being supportive", not that he is supportive. 

[Jazzy]

Thank you for the clarification Kizzie. That is an extremely important detail!

NotAlone, I apologize that my response was not better. I am overwhelmed and triggered when I write about the damage I have done to my ex wife.

Offering you a

[Not Alone]

Yes, neglect is harder to notice than being overtly abusive, but it is just as painful and damaging, if not more so.

You deserve people in your life who love you, Notalone!

I hope you consider me one of those people, but I understand if you do not. 

<3 Niko

Thank you for the clarification Kizzie. That is an extremely important detail!

NotAlone, I apologize that my response was not better. I am overwhelmed and triggered when I write about the damage I have done to my ex wife.

Offering you a

Jazzy, your response was full of care for me and that is what stood out. Thank you.

Not Alone. Anxiety makes sense right now. I wonder if it helps to remind you and littles that you don't need to be adult Not Alone all the time just because of the new job. Your littles can still have their time, too. Just at work your adult will need to take the reins.

Thank you, Armadillo. Anxiety does make sense so I can be understanding and kind to myself. (Awful feeling though.  ) That is somewhat true for the Littles. It is too much right now to deal with their trauma, and sometimes when they are more forward/present, that is the case. Sometimes if they are more fully present, it can be difficult for adult me to come back. If I'm doing routine life, that is manageable. For something that takes a lot of energy, focus and emotion (new job), it is really hard when they are present enough that I'm trying to take care of them and manage the situation. The other night, they held Roman (teddy bear) and that helped a bit, but I also felt Hope's (5-year-old) longing to be with T. That was hard. I think that if I knew when things were going to happen, i.e. when I need to be fully adult, it would be easier. Now I'm just waiting for a call for an appointment, so I don't know.

I read what I wrote and I don't know if it makes any sense. 

I know that when I've been through a stressful time, it often catches up with me afterwards. It's like I do what I must to get through things, and collapse afterwards. When I read your last post, it made me wonder whether this might be a factor for you. Just a thought.

Snowdrop, yes, that is true for me too. The other morning, I didn't wake up until fairly late, and figured the interviews and accepting the job took a lot out of me.

(I made covers for the patio chair cushions in bright colors. I love my happy, peaceful patio.)

I can hear how much of a struggle this all is and I am so sorry. I wish I could do more but sending along some  Would love to be there with you on the patio just listening or sitting in silence.

Kizzie, Your hugs mean a lot. I wish that you could hang out on the patio with me too. 

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For now, I am waiting to receive a phone call from the main office of new job, to go in and fill out paperwork. The person who hired me said that people had been on vacation, so it could be awhile. If I don't hear by the end of the week, I'll contact supervisor and just let her know that I haven't received a call yet. Once I've signed papers, I'll give my current employer two weeks notice. It is possible that I could go in to the new job for a couple of days in the week before I'm done with current job and start new job full time. I don't know. Lots of unknowns and things that I have no control over. That is hard.

This morning I drew two boxes in my journal. One was labeled, "new job paperwork," and the other was labeled, "start new job." The boxes are sitting on a shelf. I'm trying to keep the boxes on the shelf until it is time to take them down. That is, until I get a phone call and an appointment to come in and fill out paperwork, there is nothing I can do. I'm trying to keep it on the shelf until I can do something. I have to keep reminding myself that those boxes are on the shelf. Leave those there until it is time. Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes the anxiety gets pretty high.

I am so incredibly grateful to have people here and other people in my life who are so supportive. It makes a HUGE difference to not feel alone. 

[Jazzy]

Wow; your boxes on the shelf strategy is wonderful! 👍

[Hope67]

the interviews and accepting the job took a lot out of me.

(I made covers for the patio chair cushions in bright colors. I love my happy, peaceful patio.)

Dear Notalone,
I am late to congratulate you on your job, but want to send these colourful fireworks to you    I can completely understand that the interviews and accepting the job would take it out of you.  I am amazed that you've been able to make covers for your patio chair - that is such a skill to be able to do that - I admire that ability very much.  I am glad you're able to relax on your patio, and find peace there.  A happy, peaceful place - enjoying the lovely bright colours, it sounds really lovely. 

Anyway, I'd also like to send you a supportive hug    plus a waveline to your littles, if you're ok with that    (I think one of my littles is with me in choosing that one).
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I had another job interview today. Two hours later I received a call and was offered the job. I accepted.

Way to go, notalone!

Your priorities in your job: insurance to cover therapist and least stressful - those would be mine as well 

[CactusFlower]

I love the "boxes on a shelf" concept! But then, my planner/journal/second brain is a bullet journal, where you tick things off with boxes. I like lists and feeling like I can see if I did something, and that certainly sounds like what I do in my Bujo.

[Jazzy]

Yay NotAlone! After seeing Blueberry's post I want to party! 

[Snowdrop]

I was just thinking of you, Notalone, and thought I'd send you a hug.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

sorry it's been so long, but i see a celebration is in store and i want in!  i finally have enough energy (at least today) to let you know i'm so very glad for you and your new job.  i hope everything goes as smoothly as possible and you feel good there, validated and supported.

meanwhile, bring on the cake!   

keep up all the great work you're doing.  hopefully, i'll be able to be back here more often.  sending love and a hug filled with good wishes for your future!

[BeeKeeper]

notalone,

sending you support and good wishes for the onboarding. It's a major transition and lots of things to navigate which can be exhausting.   I hope you are staying afloat.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, everyone, for your support, encouraging words and celebration.

I have been thinking of all of you. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone, but for the last couple of weeks all I've been able to do is work and deal with present life situations.

I've been at my new job for 2+ weeks. Working full time is a big change for me and is exhausting. It seems that the job will be a good fit for me and relatively non-stressful. The staff are nice. I like the person with whom I work the most closely, and I really like my supervisor. The cPTSD comes into play (of course). Not knowing things (because I'm learning a new job) is very triggering to me. There have been times where after I got home, I was curled on my bed saying/feeling "I can't, I can't." I'm guessing that I was in a triggered state. There also have been times when I felt left out. It wasn't that anyone was being insensitive or rude; they were just dealing with work that didn't include me. My feelings hook into being a rejected child.

Yesterday the director of my program, the person with whom I work the most closely, was showing me something and then said that she was going to stop mircromanaging (in that situation). I told her that one of the things that I appreciated about her was that she didn't micromanage. She said that she didn't do that with people she trusted. That felt good because I feel so much like I don't know what I'm doing. The feelings of not knowing what I'm doing, and the panic that goes with that, are huge. That has always been the case, but in a new job all of that is exemplified. I keep trying to tell myself that it is new and I'm learning. It is okay not to know everything. It is okay to ask questions and to need something explained or shown to me more than once.  Sometimes the panic still comes.