Not Alone: 2021

Armee · October 20, 2021, 02:00:52 AM

Hi, Girl who is 6-10 but has another name. And hi Not Alone. I hear what you are saying and wish such hurtful things never happened. You didn't deserve it. You are not bad. You are not bad. Bad people hurt other people. We did not hurt anyone but we feel like we are bad. We should not be ashamed. I'm sorry you are hurt and feel bad. Confusion makes sense right now. You feel like a bad person and then someone hurt you and then they were compassionate and you want more of the compassion. It is very confusing. I feel the same way a lot. It's ok. We are here with you and you are not alone. We've got you.

sanmagic7 · October 20, 2021, 02:53:27 AM

Not Alone · October 21, 2021, 03:03:06 AM

Armee, 6-10 year old read your post last night. It was too difficult for her to reply, but your words, "We are here with you and you are not alone," mean a lot. San, thank you for the hug. It was felt.

I want to read more of others' posts and write more, but between work and other commitments, it has be an over 12-hour day. I am really tired.

rainydiary · October 22, 2021, 10:29:19 PM

Not Alone, I hope you have been able to find some rest and easeful ways to be.

Not Alone · October 23, 2021, 03:33:50 PM

Thanks, Rainydiary. The rest of the week had less commitments.

For the first 2 1/2 months of working full time, I could only deal with the STRESS of a new job and also other major life activities. Now that things have settled, I am back to dealing directly with trauma in therapy. It will take some time to know how to balance dealing with trauma, taking care of my Littles, work, family, household tasks, church, etc. I'm trying not to listen to the messages in my head of "you should. . ." or "other people. . ." Kindness. How do I navigate this new season with kindness to myself?

Armee · October 23, 2021, 04:11:37 PM

It's such an important question...how do i navigate this with kindness to myself? That's really a big shift to ask that instead of the other questions we usually ask ourselves....why can't I just? What's wrong with me? Etc. I think just shifting to asking that question is possibly even more important than knowing the answer. So:

It seems smart to have taken a break from processing trauma as you transitioned and I hope that slowly you can balance all those things so you can keep healing. You deserve that.

Not Alone · October 23, 2021, 04:32:47 PM

Armee, I'm grateful for your understanding and caring words.

Quote from: Armee on October 23, 2021, 04:11:37 PM
I think just shifting to asking that question is possibly even more important than knowing the answer.

That is a really good point and helps me to focus more on kindness than on how. The "why can't I just? What's wrong with me?" only lead me to the chasm; those questions don't lead me down a safe, healthy path.

Even as I wrote the above, I started feeling guilty and condemnation for spending so much time on OOTS. So, to self: It was good for you to take the time this morning and be on OOTS. Relationships are more important to you than laundry or a clean floor. Also, it is good for you to have support.

owl25 · October 23, 2021, 09:32:30 PM

I very much needed to hear your response in my recovery journal, so if nothing else, you helped a fellow human being feel better this morning

Not Alone · October 23, 2021, 11:55:20 PM

Quote from: owl25 on October 23, 2021, 09:32:30 PM
I very much needed to hear your response in my recovery journal, so if nothing else, you helped a fellow human being feel better this morning

Thank you, Owl.

back to you.

Not Alone · October 24, 2021, 12:16:59 AM

Quote from: Not Alone on October 17, 2021, 02:54:01 AM
*Emptiness in marriage is really loud and painful today.

Continuing to feel the loneliness of my marriage. Maybe it is even more intense now because the Little who has been talking in therapy, was very, very alone in horrible situations.

I started writing about something that happened with H tonight, but deleted it all. Bottom line: I cannot endure living with someone who is so incredibly avoidant. Our relationship is empty and shallow. It makes me want to scream.

Armee · October 24, 2021, 02:01:51 AM

Being with someone who is not there is worse than being alone. Especially when you are going through something you need support for. I'm sorry you are alone at home. Screaming seems appropriate. I'm sorry what your little went through and is reliving now. That's really hard.

Not Alone · October 24, 2021, 07:06:35 PM

Thanks, Armee. It does feel awful living with a husband who is physically there but not emotionally or conversationally there. If I was alone, I could be myself.

The 6-10 year old is having a lot of new flashbacks. Going through the usual brain gymnastics of "It's not true. It can't me true." These pictures (memories) show up in my brain as I'm doing life. It's like doing normal life things, but a horror movie is played at random times. No one else is seeing the horror movie, only me.

Armee · October 24, 2021, 07:49:59 PM

I'm so sorry. All I can offer is that you treat yourself with care as these awful awful flashbacks come up. I hope they tell you what they need to tell you and then go away soon.

owl25 · October 24, 2021, 08:14:10 PM

Not Alone · October 24, 2021, 11:08:19 PM

Thank you, Armee & Owl. Your support means a lot.

This afternoon I got to the point of "I can't." I locked my door and laid on my bed. I dozed off and on for awhile. It helped take the edge off. Right now I'm at the point where overwhelmed hits me like a wind passing by. Then I'm somewhat okay. If the overwhelmed gets too big I'm going to take some meds to keep it at bay. I'm going to read for awhile. If that doesn't help, I'll T.V. binge, although I do so much of that; I'm getting tired of it.