Not Alone: 2021

Started by Not Alone, December 31, 2020, 05:05:14 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Larry

HI Not alone,  I hope tomorrow is a great day for you,  you deserve it.

owl25

Carrying trauma takes up so much energy. Keep it contained and at bay takes a lot, and when it comes to the surface it takes a lot as well. I hope you were able to give yourself permission to rest and managed to get some.  :hug:

Armee

Whatever you need to do as long as you are safe, you have permission to do. I hope work takes your mind away from the part that holds flashbacks tomorrow.

Hope67

Hi Notalone,

I just tried to write something that I thought made some sense, but it didn't - the words got jumbled.  So I'll just send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I found your description of the 'wind of overwhelm' (or similar words) to be very powerful.  I hope you are able to negotiate your way through that safely.
Hope  :)

Not Alone

Larry, Owl, Armee, Hope, thank you so much. Your care and kindness are a comfort to me.

Work was fine today. Adult me was very present. Tomorrow, work and then I see therapist. 

rainydiary


Not Alone

Quote from: Not Alone on October 24, 2021, 07:06:35 PM
The 6-10 year old is having a lot of new flashbacks. Going through the usual brain gymnastics of "It's not true. It can't me true." These pictures (memories) show up in my brain as I'm doing life. It's like doing normal life things, but a horror movie is played at random times. No one else is seeing the horror movie, only me.

Told T some of the flashbacks. I remember what I told him, but I mostly remember sitting on the floor and I couldn't look at him. Too much shame. I remember his voice was gentle. When he said it was five minutes left, I couldn't talk or move. For a long time it was quiet. Then he said something. Somehow I managed to move and get home. Right now it is hard for me to move too. I wish there was something that made me feel better.
from 6-10 year old

Armee

It's good you were able to tell T some of them. I know a little bit how you feel. Just try to hang onto that feeling of gentleness and care as much as you can. I know it is hard because it makes us crave more of it but can't get it soon enough. But try to keep that feeling and use it as insulation against the feelings from the flashbacks.


sanmagic7


Not Alone

Quote from: Armee on October 30, 2021, 03:35:11 AM
Just try to hang onto that feeling of gentleness and care as much as you can. I know it is hard because it makes us crave more of it but can't get it soon enough. But try to keep that feeling and use it as insulation against the feelings from the flashbacks.

Trying to do that.  :hug:

San,  :hug:

sanmagic7

i agree with armee, hoping you can hang onto as much care and gentleness for yourself as possible.  6-10 yrs old is such a powerful time in a person's life.  it's the beginning of becoming one's own person with one's own thoughts and perspective.  dear little one, i'm sorry you're carrying all that shame on your shoulders.  i hope you will soon know that shame belongs to the others in your life who didn't care for you the way you needed.  sending you some love and a gentle hug filled with whatever makes you smile. :hug:

Not Alone

Thank you, San. I can always feel your care.  :grouphug:


This weekend I invited my H to a church event. We go to different churches. I have not been including him on much of anything in my life. He is so emotionally empty. I have stopped making effort in our marriage. He accepted my invitation and attended.

I realized that, unlike the past, I did not feel a responsibility to "take care" of him; i.e. make sure he felt comfortable, etc. I introduced him to people, but I was busy helping with the event. Also, unlike the past, I didn't take something he did, that I thought was poor social behavior, as a reflection on me. (Well, maybe a little. . .) But later I didn't point out his behavior with hope for him to change. In 25+ years, it hasn't mattered what I said regarding his manners or social behavior.

At the event, I was doing the dishes and one of the men put his arm on my back and reached around me to rinse something off. I don't think that his action meant anything at all. In fact, the next day in the church service, he was standing with his wife and they were praying for a woman and he had his arm on her. Anyway, I really felt his arm. It made me realize how touch deprived I am. My H kisses me good-bye. There is very little touch. Very little. I am starving for touch. Glad I have friends to hug.

Despite distancing myself from my H and his relational avoidance, my anger at him is really big. I find myself being disdainful and bitter. I don't like that in myself.

sanmagic7

i don't like those feelings in myself, either, notalone, yet, for some people, they are there nonetheless.  don't know for sure if they'll ever go away.

i totally relate to feeling touch deprived, made a lot of not so smart decisions in my life in order to get what i craved.  it's a terrible feeling.  i'm just glad you've got good friends to hug.  i'm sad for you that your relationship is not what you wish it to be.  that just sucks.  sending love and wish i could give you a real hug. :hug:

Not Alone

Thanks, San. I can emotionally feel your hug.  :hug:


Not Alone

Feeling a little bit vulnerable right now. With working full time, my Littles do not have the time and care that I used to be able to give to them. That is hard. Today I worked and in an hour I leave for a meeting.

Last night in therapy, 6-10 year old shared another flashback with T. It's all so hard. Grateful for someone who listens, believes, and cares.