Not Alone: 2021

Started by Not Alone, December 31, 2020, 05:05:14 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Armee

It isn't enough at all, 1 hr a week. I more often have 1.5-2 hrs and that isn't enough either. Its sad. What happens to people and when the harm is done by those close to us there's no help. It comes down to what we can afford and tolerate when we finally realize how bad we need help.

I'll be with you in spirit today when you need someone to understand how badly you hurt, how guilty and ashamed you feel, how nothing you've done makes you deserve to feel those things and I'll be sitting here shaking in anger at what people did to you.

Not Alone

Thank you for being with me, Armee. It means a lot.


Snowdrop

I care about you, Not Alone. :grouphug:

Not Alone

I care about you too, Snowdrop.  :grouphug:


My H and I had a meeting with our financial advisor. I was nervous about it because at our last meeting my H and I saw and interpreted things very differently. My H used that meeting to further open the door to his retirement, which has forced me into a position of having to get a full time job so that I have insurance. That whole issue has been so stressful to me, I even have physical consequences from it.

The meeting went okay. Internally, I felt some of the pain from those many awful months of the weight of his retirement looming over me. Also, the advisor sees us as this nice couple. In reality, we are barely married. In my heart, I am almost emotionally divorced from H. To be talking like everything is okay is crazy-making to me.

Interesting, toward the end of the meeting, the advisor said that he hadn't heard from me on what my hopes and dreams for the future are. I just said that I was getting by one day at a time. That he even noticed and thought of me caught me off guard.

I was hoping that once this meeting was over, the stress and grief that I'm feeling would lessen. Not so. I leave in an hour to see therapist. Glad for that, but afraid that I won't experience any relief.

rainydiary

Not Alone, thank you for sharing this update.  I am glad the advisor gave you space to share.  I can also relate to the feeling of being surprised to be asked.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort.

Not Alone

Quote from: rainydiary on November 23, 2021, 11:30:49 PM
I am glad the advisor gave you space to share.  I can also relate to the feeling of being surprised to be asked.  I hope that you find some ease and comfort.

Being surprised that he asked is probably a reflection on how much I'm not asked in my marriage. More than not asked, H doesn't discuss things with me. There's very little back and forth.
I do feel some relief from seeing T. Thanks, Rainydiary.

Quote from: Armee on November 23, 2021, 03:24:48 PM
It isn't enough at all, 1 hr a week.

I didn't mention "once a week," during my session; and still, at the end of my session my T said he thought it would be beneficial if we could find times in the schedule when I could see him twice a week. I don't know how much that can happen. He has limited availability and I am much more limited now that I'm working full time. Hopefully, there will be weeks when I can see him twice. It really encouraged me when he said that. I guess I felt seen and also heard. I think that several of the Littles felt seen and that their needs and memories are important.

Armee

Quote from: Not AloneIt really encouraged me when he said that. I guess I felt seen and also heard. I think that several of the Littles felt seen and that their needs and memories are important.

I really felt this strongly. I'm not sure how to describe how or why. Just it went straight to my heart physically. I hope you can make that happen some. You deserve that extra support.

Blueberry

Quote from: Not Alone on November 24, 2021, 02:48:05 AM
I didn't mention "once a week," during my session; and still, at the end of my session my T said he thought it would be beneficial if we could find times in the schedule when I could see him twice a week.

You didn't mention it verbally but maybe in other ways that your T clued in on. Yay for you :cheer: I hope it works out twice a week at least sometimes.

I agree with you and Armee that once a week is definitely not enough. That's mostly what I have had too but in times when everything became too much I went in-patient. I know that's not an option if you're working and not an option for many other reasons such as lack of availability in many countries, but it does show that once a week was plainly not enough for me.

sanmagic7

hey, notalone,

i'm also in the 2x/week group, have been for 2 yrs.  it's helped tremendously, even if i'm not actually processing something, it's helped me stay stable.  would phone sessions be helpful for the added session?  my T and i have been working over the phone since the pandemic began, and i've still gotten a lot out of it.

i'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.  i'm also glad for you that the investment mgr. took time out for you.  at times, i've also been surprised when someone has done that for me. 

one foot, then the other foot.  you're continuing to make progress.  love and hugs :hug:

Snowdrop

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2021, 03:21:43 PMi'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.  i'm also glad for you that the investment mgr. took time out for you.
I agree with San. I'd find it so frustrating.

It sounds as though your T has recognised your needs without you having to vocalise them. I'm glad you felt seen and heard.
:grouphug:

Not Alone

Quote from: Armee on November 24, 2021, 06:01:53 AM
Just it went straight to my heart physically. I hope you can make that happen some. You deserve that extra support.

That touches my heart, Armee:hug:

Thanks, Blueberry. It feels good to have my needs seen.

San,
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2021, 03:21:43 PM
i'm very sorry your marriage isn't all you want or all it could be.  it's stressful to live like that, stressful to keep up the facade.  i wish it could be better.
I feel your compassion, San. Keeping up the facade is highly stressful.

I don't think a phone session would work. It would only make one hour difference (i.e. my commute time). When I had to do teletherapy during lockdown, it was hugely distressing to me. Phone might be better, but I think it would still be really hard for me and especially the Littles.

Thank you, Snowdrop:grouphug:


Hope67


Not Alone

Thank you for the hug, Hope.  :hug:


I hurt my back last week. My H hasn't said anything; hasn't asked how it is or offered to help with things. That is not a surprise. He avoids emotional and physical pain. Today I emailed co-workers and told them that I hurt my back and that there were some tasks that I wouldn't be able to do this week. Everyone has helped with those tasks and several people asked how I was and offered sympathy. I realize that I was feeling a little bit of guilt for telling them about my back. In the past my H has called tears a manipulation. I might have internalized his messages/accusations that sharing pain (emotional or physical) is not okay.

%$#*&@#$ to you H! Sharing pain and getting support is part of being in community.

Not Alone

I've had two nightmares this week about something that terrifies me. I don't have abuse memories about that thing. I am a little afraid of going to sleep and having another nightmare. I'm also afraid of knowing where that fear stems from.



I had an interaction with a new Little last week. I want to tell T what I saw. I'm afraid he won't believe me. I'm afraid he will believe me.

Armee

#389
I just want to wrap you up in a safe supportive hug.  :hug:

You do deserve to be helped, supported, and cared about. I am sad you do not have anything close to that from your husband.  You deserve better. I am glad you can feel that anger for a long string of curse words.

I hope you can sleep. I hope the nightmares do not return and your brain finds a less disruptive way of letting you know. If they do come back maybe it helps to picture us there with you, wrapping you up in a blanket, fixing you tea, and reminding you that here and now you are safe.

Quote from: Not Alone on November 30, 2021, 03:51:38 AM
I want to tell T what I saw. I'm afraid he won't believe me. I'm afraid he will believe me.

I get this. I really do. Telling him will feel better than not, even if it increases the distress at first. Get it out of you.