Not Alone: 2021

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Hope you feel better soon.  Sending a comforting hug, to any of your parts who want one   
Hope 

[Armee]

Hi Not Alone,

I hope you feel better soon and that there are people around who can give you a little care and warmth. If not I'm sending a bunch virtually. You deserve to be taken care of. 

[Blueberry]

Sending comfort and support to you notalone. Hoping supporting Adult you might help you help your younger parts too. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, hope your symptoms leave quickly.  just been thru it, but it's over now.  there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

best to you with the whole avoidance thing surrounding your H.  i've had several of those in my life, it's no fun.  and, of course, the age-old excuse - i'm not that way.  anyone can use that about anything, actually.  it just depends on if one is satisfied with staying that way, what price it will cost, what will be gained or lost for staying in that particular space.  i hope it works out for both of you.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Hope, Armee, Blueberry, & San; thank you for your care. I am feeling better today.

Yesterday besides not feeling well, I had a dentist appointment. It went fairly well. I told the hygienist that blood in my mouth was hard for me so please rinse frequently. Feel good that I was able to care for myself without blurting out my life history.  I also said no to x-rays because I feel like I'm choking. When she explained why they were needed, I stuck with my "no." Last time I went to the dentist, I had two very strong physical and visual flashbacks. My experience last time made me anxious for this appointment, but it went okay.

My H and I have talked a lot more. Lots for me to process in all that. He is keeping our room (the bigger room) and I will take the small room. When I first talked to him I requested that I keep the larger room since I spent a lot of time in there. He only sleeps in there. He didn't want to give up the attached bathroom. (He wanted to walk through the bedroom to use that bathroom----No.) He also said he liked to look out the window.  I told him I would be willing to take the smaller room.

I feel angry because I do spend so much time in the room. It has been my mostly safe place since I started the journey of dealing with my trauma 3 1/2 years ago. Ironically, during some very dark times, I would stare out the window and see the squirrels scampering on the branch or watch the clouds. It was like hanging onto sanity and remembering that the One who created those things was still with me. H doesn't know any of that.

I am willing to pay the "cost" of a smaller room for the sake of my own space and privacy. I ordered a new quilt for my bed. 

[Armee]

 

A new quilt sounds lovely for your new bed. I wish you got to keep your sanctuary but I hope perhaps the new bedroom will feel more like yours. If not you could revisit the arrangement later with H.

Good job asking for what you need both with regard to a new room and at the dentist. I'm sorry those visits triggered visual and physical flashbacks before.

[sanmagic7]

i love the idea of a new quilt for your bed, notalone.  it makes a very personal statement about your new space, your new sleep sanctuary.  i'm sorry about the troubles between you and your H, tho.  i know how much i love to look out my window, watch nature happen.  it's a very spiritual experience for me as well.  i wish i had better words.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Armee & San, the upcoming transition to the other bedroom is more distressful to me than I foresaw. Your care helps.

I'm off work for a few weeks. I had a list of things to get done. I think I'm partially in a freeze state because of the stress of my marriage. I am binging on T.V. and getting a few things done. Right now I can't even bring myself to look at my list.

Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that. Changes are hard for me, especially the Littles. Even though this was my choice, I still have feelings of abandonment. (There is emotional abandonment.) I guess I need to be aware of what I'm feeling and be caring and accepting of myself.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I appreciate how you are taking steps toward what will be supportive in the long run even if right now it is so difficult.  It's hard also to be working and keeping the household running and having so many hats to wear.  I hope that you find some ease and tackle what is most important to you. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy Diary. 

[Armee]

Lots and lots of care and reassurance to those Littles. You are not wrong to feel abandoned, not at all. Nor to feel sad about losing your sanctuary, or scared by the transition and change. Take your time. 

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone,
It's such a big thing that you're making those changes, and I really feel for your littles and every part of you, having to negotiate your way through those things.  It annoys part of me that you are taking the smaller room, when I know you preferred and liked your current bedroom.  I wish there was a way that you didn't have to do that.  But I feel sure that you'll make the room comfortable and cosy, and most importantly that you feel safe there.

Sending you a hug, 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Armee, thank your for your care for my Littles and me. The reminder that it isn't wrong to feel abandoned, sad or scared is helpful. Also to take my time. I'm telling myself that as I feel panic at times, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

Hope, I am really feeling your care.  I am telling my Littles that I will do my best to help them feel safe in the new room. I'm also allowing myself to spend a little money on small things that will help to make it pretty and cozy (and trying not to feel guilty about that).

I spent most of the day with a close friend, who is visiting from out of town. On the way home I felt a lot of anxiety. I kept trying to take deep breathes and to reassure myself that I was safe. I'm not sure what the anxiety was all about. I'm home now and will probably just watch tv and try to bring calm to myself. The cat is on my lap and she is great comfort!

[Armee]

I hate those moments of panic without explanation. I hope it passes soon. 

I miss having a kitty. Mine passed a year ago.

[Blueberry]

Moving into a different bedroom is a big deal. It is a statement of the brokenness of our marriage. Our/my bedroom has been a place of relative security and I am loosing that.

It is a big deal! Not being married or ever even being in a partnership, I didn't even realise it as a statement of the brokenness of your and h's marriage, although that makes sense too. But for you to lose your bedroom as a place of relative security is a big deal for you and for your littles. May I do a bit of  towards your h for not allowing you the bigger space unconditionally? When I first read your post, I immediately thought of it being like how I would be pulling the rug out from under my own feet if moved along with all that would entail like reduced working, losing the garden, having to permanently re-home furbabies etc. So I imagine losing your bedroom is a bit like that for you and your littles. A big deal. Even if you won't go under and even although you will in time find a new relative security in the smaller room, but you'll probably have to actually work on that e.g. by getting the new quilt and probably other ways too.

on finding a way forwards with the smaller room, even if not ideal, but still seems the best that you can get out of h for the moment. I wish h would take you and your concerns more seriously and be kinder towards you.

Sending comfort and support