My F gave my M Covid-19 - Possible TW

mojay · January 02, 2021, 05:01:58 AM

Hello everyone. I've been having a really hard time the last few days. My F behaved carelessly and recklessly and gave my M Covid-19. I feel like I'm a child again who can't keep my family safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I can't stay safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I have no one to keep me safe.

My M is a high-risk category for covid-19 fatality due to her asthma and age. My F has been sick since December 17th, 2020 with a bad cough and fatigue. He does not sanitize his hands or surfaces like all of us have been doing. He has been denying his symptoms. He has refused to get tested. He was not wearing a mask at home until my mom got her positive test back on 12/30/2020. He does not cover his mouth when he coughs or sneezes. He does not believe in masks, does not believe in Covid-19... yes he is one of those Americans. We overheard him bragging on the phone about being out in the community and taking off his mask to cough for reactions while he is symptomatic. There are no fines for not wearing a mask where I live so there are no repercussions for his behavior unless someone gets violent.

I hate his behavior. I hate living here. I feel so unsafe. I have been so terrified of my M contracting the virus and had so many anxiety attacks over it. I had a panic attack after she told me her PCR test was positive. I don't want her to die because of my F. In my late teens/early 20's I thought he would kill her bc of his alcoholic rages and now he might have. I hate this. I hate it here.

I want him to leave. I want him to get out of this house. My M should have divorced him two years ago but he spent 6 months in rehab for alcoholism so she let him stay. I want him out. I want her to start divorce proceedings as soon as she is well. I can't live like this anymore it's making me get so triggered all the time. I'm hyper-vigilant again. Emotional flashbacks multiple times a day. Intense anger.

I feel like I'm a child again and I can't escape this because I have nowhere else to go. He won't listen to anyone. Since my M's positive test he will wear a mask in house common areas during the day when people are more likely to see him and get upset and "bother him" but I've just seen him (it's 11 p.m. here) in the kitchen without a mask. I can hear him cough in his room and I can tell he doesn't cover his mouth. I'm so tired.

I need to go now but thank you for letting me talk.

Bella · January 02, 2021, 12:46:26 PM

I'm sorry you have to experience this! It sounds exhausting on so many levels! I don't have much to say besides I feel for you, and hope things, both externally and internally, will calm down soon! I wish your dad would come to his senses about Covid 19. It certainly doesn't help having an attitude like that. I also hope your mum will pull through and only have light symptoms. Sending you lots of support and a hug if that's ok with you!

Kizzie · January 02, 2021, 08:45:47 PM

So terribly sorry to hear this MoJay, I hope your mom will only have mild symptoms

QuoteI feel like I'm a child again who can't keep my family safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I can't stay safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I have no one to keep me safe.

I really relate to the intense feelings you're having, I personally think it's criminal to do what your F and so many others are doing - basically we're letting people kill others. We don't let people drive drunk so why on earth wearing a mask isn't law right now is beyond me. I can't say as I know what to do because people like your F won't change unless they face consequences and sadly there seems to be a lack of backbone to hold anti-maskers more accountable.

I do want to let you know you are not alone. This pandemic is hard for everyone (who accepts reality), but it's especially so for relational trauma survivors who were not safe, who were traumatized at the hands of others we could not escape from and are facing this kind of abusive behaviour once again. I too am deeply angry at those who have no regard for others, like you the pandemic has brought that back up to the surface in spades. I am starting (virtual) therapy again this coming week. Is therapy something you could do for yourself perhaps?

It sounds like you F will not adjust his behaviour but it's worth asking him to do so for yours and your M's sake. You could also put sanitizer and masks out around the house - he might use them more often if they're readily available and it's easy for him to use them. One product I found that is really helpful for disinfecting surfaces is Zytec spray sanitizer - https://zytecgermbuster.ca/.

Hope some of this is helpful

mojay · January 02, 2021, 10:07:46 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on January 02, 2021, 08:45:47 PM
Is therapy something you could do for yourself perhaps?

It sounds like you F will not adjust his behaviour but it's worth asking him to do so for yours and your M's sake. You could also put sanitizer and masks out around the house - he might use them more often if they're readily available and it's easy for him to use them. One product I found that is really helpful for disinfecting surfaces is Zytec spray sanitizer - https://zytecgermbuster.ca/.

Hi Kizzie! Thank you for your reply and validation.

Fortunately, I started twice weekly virtual therapy in December 2019 to avoid driving multiple times a week due to the intense dissociation and medication side effects I was having. I've been able to continue with virtual therapy and have even seen a reduction in co-pays due to the epidemic changing benefits, I feel so fortunate that access to treatment is no longer a barrier for me.

It's so frustrating about having out masks, hand sanitizers and disinfectants because we have a basket of all these supplies on our main kitchen island. He just will not comply :c We have always had HEPA air filters throughout the house for my M's asthma and he regularly turns the one outside his room off because the white noise "bothers him". At this point I am reminding him daily to wear his mask and use the sanitizers. My hypervigilance has been so keyed up that I'm disinfecting all surfaces every 2 - 4 hours anyways. *sighs forever*
This is why I feel like the only solution to keep us safe is for him to move out of the house.

mojay · January 02, 2021, 10:11:38 PM

Quote from: Bella on January 02, 2021, 12:46:26 PM
I'm sorry you have to experience this! It sounds exhausting on so many levels! I don't have much to say besides I feel for you, and hope things, both externally and internally, will calm down soon! I wish your dad would come to his senses about Covid 19. It certainly doesn't help having an attitude like that. I also hope your mum will pull through and only have light symptoms. Sending you lots of support and a hug if that's ok with you!

Thank you so much for the virtual hug, validation and well-wishes

My M is a healthcare worker and had received the first part of the 2 part vaccine about 1 - 2 weeks before getting sick and was approved for the antiviral infusion which she received on 01/01/2021, so I am trying to stay hopeful. For now her symptoms are light, but it has only been a week. We are keeping our fingers crossed that the symptoms remain light, so I really really appreciate your well-wishes for her. Thank you for the validation, it makes me feel really heard during a time when I feel so unheard

Not Alone · January 02, 2021, 11:59:01 PM

Quote from: mojayjeanne on January 02, 2021, 05:01:58 AM
Hello everyone. I've been having a really hard time the last few days. My F behaved carelessly and recklessly and gave my M Covid-19. I feel like I'm a child again who can't keep my family safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I can't stay safe. I feel like I'm a child again and I have no one to keep me safe.

Mojayjeanne, that would be highly triggering. If you didn't have cPTSD, that situation would be super upsetting. That he ignored warnings and has endangered your mom----all your feelings make a lot of sense.

dollyvee · January 03, 2021, 10:11:17 AM

I second what Kizzie said - this is highly upsetting and even more so for ppl with CPTSD who never felt safe. There are a lot of rational ppl out there who know that you're doing is an appropriate reaction and what any sensible person would do. Hopefully your M is well enough to make the decision to ask him to leave for her own sake and your families.

Kizzie · January 03, 2021, 05:44:39 PM

Him leaving seems to be the answer to a lot of things in terms of yours and your Ms health and well-being - do you think he would comply? Is or would your M be on board with that?

Glad to hear you have therapy and that's terrific your M had the 1st vaccine shot and antiviral infusion - take that COVID!

mojay · January 03, 2021, 09:44:01 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on January 03, 2021, 05:44:39 PM
Him leaving seems to be the answer to a lot of things in terms of yours and your Ms health and well-being - do you think he would comply? Is or would your M be on board with that?

Glad to hear you have therapy and that's terrific your M had the 1st vaccine shot and antiviral infusion - take that COVID!

"Take that COVID!" made me lol

thank you for the laugh!
M is definitely on board with F leaving! She brings it up to me often.
It's doubtful he would comply unless she serves him divorce papers but I know that it's a conversation she is planning on having with him. There was a period of time after his rehab in summer 2019 when he went to monthly therapy and marriage counseling. He was starting to turn a corner, then Covid hit and he slid back into all of his damaging behaviors. M sees this and isn't standing for it any longer. I think therapy has really helped her too, she is starting to validate the damage F has done which has never happened before. I'm trying to remain hopeful!!

mojay · January 03, 2021, 09:48:38 PM

Quote from: dollyvee on January 03, 2021, 10:11:17 AM
I second what Kizzie said - this is highly upsetting and even more so for ppl with CPTSD who never felt safe. There are a lot of rational ppl out there who know that you're doing is an appropriate reaction and what any sensible person would do. Hopefully your M is well enough to make the decision to ask him to leave for her own sake and your families.

Thank you for the reply and hug dollyvee

She has said she isn't going to broach the topic while she is sick (my F is *very* manipulative which drains her energy) but I believe as soon as she is well they will have the conversation. I'm not sure if he will leave on his own or if she will have to divorce him to make him leave. At this point she has spoken solely of divorce so I think her instincts are that legal proceedings are needed, but she seems ready. I'm remaining hopeful

I'm so thankful for having the OOTS community during this time!

Kizzie · January 04, 2021, 05:46:52 PM

That's good to hear about you M being willing if not quite able at the moment to make the break from your F. 2021 may be a much better year for you and her!

mojay · January 09, 2021, 08:40:56 PM

I decided to peruse my F's twitter this morning. Discovered that he has posted about his belief that Covid-19 is a hoax/blown out of proportion, that the mortality rate is incredibly low and get this... that is is a good thing for people to be exposed to the virus so that they can build antibodies. Mind you, this was not about a vector vaccine or a vaccine at all. He was talking about exposing people to someone actively infected with the virus.
The "exposure is a good thing" tweet was 2 days after he first showed symptoms. Then he started to refuse to wear a mask around us or get tested. He particularly said that it was good for "low-risk" people to be exposed and I connected the dots between another re-tweet of his about who low-risk people are...the re-tweet said that low-risk people are anyone under 60. Full stop. Said nothing about pre-existing conditions like asthma (which we all have). Just under 60 which is everyone else in the household. I was so enraged I was shaking for about 15 minutes. Took screenshots and immediately told my M what I had seen.

She told me all of his irresponsible behaviors surround Covid-19 that I wasn't privvy to, and there are a lot.

M is doing a lot better and is feeling back to normal, has had no symptoms for about 4 days. So she came with me to run errands (groceries & covid testing) and we had a long talk about F. She will be asking him to leave come spring and have papers drawn up that separate their assets. She is hoping she does not have to divorce him and he will be amenable to separating the assets without divorce. I find it ironic that my M and myself are going to get tested once again so we can return to our lives while he sleeps off a hangover.

I will be counting down the days until I no longer have to live with him & B.