Learning to fly

[wingsunclipped]

Sorry i am not really sure but just to be safe, there maybe a TW.

As strange as this may sound, that i am actually writing this i see as a step in the right direction. I really wish i had known about this forum when i started my treatment for CPTSD and APD just over 12 months ago. It has taken the best part of the last 2 months just to write a post, as the my fear levels increase just at the thought of posting how i feel. I will write and re write constantly and then delete as i am often scared of revealing myself or part of myself to others.

I am not sure how this journal will develop as my life is very much on a tightrope right now. I function, at the most basic of levels and anything more is difficult and always alone. I had a long term relationship of 18 years, but the last 4 to 5 years it was more a carer/patient role as opposed to one of a loving partner that could listen to and be there for her and not for her condition.

Physical or intimate contact was difficult for me at the best of times, but became impossible when i damaged her ribs during a brief moment of intimacy simply because she was so fragile. I think from that moment on we both knew that i would be to frightened to just hold her as the thought of hurting her became to much for me to even think about never mind discuss. That was also the moment in my mind at least where i believed that at least by looking after her when she was in pain, that our relationship would survive.

I could not communicate with anybody in any way  and it was only the end of the relationship that showed me i needed help. Which in turn led to my diagnosis and start of my treatment.

Talking about how i feel can be very difficult. At the moment i feel so lonely, moreso than ever and yes it hurts so much where even the slightest mistake can pull me down. I am recognising behavioural patterns that would normally have led me down a self destructive path for months, now it is just days. But i really am hurting at the moment and thankfully have a session next week.

I will update soon, but i so want this pain to go.

[Not Alone]

Welcome to the forum. It was courageous for you to write. I have been a part of OOTS for quite awhile and I still go back over what I have written and delete. I agree that writing and posting is a step in the right direction.

[marta1234]

Wingsunclipped, welcome to the forum. As notalone said, it's a brave first step to post something or start a journal  I feel your pain, wingsunclipped and I wish there was something I could do for you to take it away, for a while, but alas, this is as much as I can help. I relate to what you wrote a lot, the pain of it all being too unbearable.
Sending you support, and a hug if it's ok