Having a lot of trouble accessing my emotions. Still feeling the effects of Lexapro, I think. Really felt useless in therapy sessions this week since I could hardly access anything worthwhile. I
know I'm not wasting my therapist's time but I still worry she will grow tired of me if this continues. Tears coming to my eyes at this thought, maybe I am frustrated over wasted time? I have been criticizing myself a lot lately because I have wasted so much time thanks to the CPTSD. I wish I could've just been normal and I could just be normal. Oh now I'm crying again.
Not knowing how I feel has left me slipping into depersonalization. Hands and arms still feel like different sized plastic objects... salt and pepper shakers or vintage plastic dolls always come to mind. Maybe this is also causing the feeling like I will swallow my tongue or that my tongue is a plastic object. Actually, after writing that, I think that is definitely the reason.
I think that maybe my psychiatrist does not understand how to treat CPTSD. Have our 2 week appt tomorrow morning and will try to stand up for myself. She will not be pleased that I stopped the Lexapro. But maybe she should expect it at this point because under her care I have tried 3 different medicines all with the same debilitating side effects.
I have been able to stay sober despite intense cravings for escape.
Still having trouble relaxing for sleep. I don't want to hallucinate during lighter sleep. Been hearing and feeling something sinister talk to me and press on/sit on my legs. Not sure how to get rid of it. Maybe I will sleep with a stuffed animal cat that my dearest friends gifted me. It reminds me of my old family cat that I would let into my room when I was having a hard time as a kid. Maybe the cat can help keep the sinister dream-hallucination away?? Worth a try.
Uhhhh what do I want to write?

!!? I don't know. Maybe this is a good place to end the journal. Thank you if you read this, I know it's a mess
