MoJay's Journal Attempt

[mojay]

01/11/2021
rTMS was finally approved by the new insurance!! Returned to rTMS today but have a wicked headache from it. Unfortunately the clinic is shutting down in 5 weeks so that will be another hurdle - trying not to worry about it too much right now. And a dentist appointment tomorrow...yikes!!

I worked some more on my painting

Hallucinated voices before falling sleep again, I hate when this happens. At least this time the voices were nice and not creepy. I can't remember what they were talking about but I kept coming out of the shallow sleep because I thought it was my mom talking to me or the TV was turned on.
I had stressful dreams but no nightmares and no nightmares about my trauma.

My head is really hurting from looking at the computer, hoping to be more active on here later this week when I get used to the rTMS again.

[mojay]

Having a lot of trouble accessing my emotions. Still feeling the effects of Lexapro, I think. Really felt useless in therapy sessions this week since I could hardly access anything worthwhile. I know I'm not wasting my therapist's time but I still worry she will grow tired of me if this continues. Tears coming to my eyes at this thought, maybe I am frustrated over wasted time? I have been criticizing myself a lot lately because I have wasted so much time thanks to the CPTSD. I wish I could've just been normal and I could just be normal. Oh now I'm crying again.

Not knowing how I feel has left me slipping into depersonalization. Hands and arms still feel like different sized plastic objects... salt and pepper shakers or vintage plastic dolls always come to mind. Maybe this is also causing the feeling like I will swallow my tongue or that my tongue is a plastic object. Actually, after writing that, I think that is definitely the reason.

I think that maybe my psychiatrist does not understand how to treat CPTSD. Have our 2 week appt tomorrow morning and will try to stand up for myself. She will not be pleased that I stopped the Lexapro. But maybe she should expect it at this point because under her care I have tried 3 different medicines all with the same debilitating side effects.

I have been able to stay sober despite intense cravings for escape.

Still having trouble relaxing for sleep. I don't want to hallucinate during lighter sleep. Been hearing and feeling something sinister talk to me and press on/sit on my legs. Not sure how to get rid of it. Maybe I will sleep with a stuffed animal cat that my dearest friends gifted me. It reminds me of my old family cat that I would let into my room when I was having a hard time as a kid. Maybe the cat can help keep the sinister dream-hallucination away?? Worth a try.

Uhhhh what do I want to write?!!? I don't know. Maybe this is a good place to end the journal. Thank you if you read this, I know it's a mess 

[dollyvee]

Sending you some relaxing thoughts Mojay 

According to IFS, the exiles hold our emotions which the protectors try so hard to cover up. I think they're doing there best to keep you safe and functioning in the world. I'm not sure if it would be helpful for your p. but came across this article last week -

https://elemental.medium.com/inside-the-revolutionary-treatment-that-could-change-psychotherapy-forever-8be035d54770

You're doing well going through it and remember it won't last forever.

[mojay]

Dollyvee, thank you for the article! It was very insightful. I did not see your response in time for my appointment but I think I will bring this up next visit.


1/15/2021
The appointment went pretty well. She listened to me and did not pressure me into taking a new medicine. We did agree to check back in 2 weeks to evaluate if I want to take the new medicine. A little confused because I am doing well on the Mirtazapine, rTMS and therapy so I feel like I don't really need another medicine, but I guess psychiatrists are gonna want to prescribe meds.

More turmoil at home. F is finally sober and wants to be friendly towards me but I have no interest. B is going to lose his job and cause even more stress on M. I think I will be sleeping early tonight to try and escape some of this.

[sanmagic7]

hey, mojay,

first, a huge congratulations on resisting those cravings   as a recovering alc/addict, i know whereof you speak.  squeeze my hand when a craving hits you - we can fight them together.

second, good for you for speaking up for yourself with your psych.  well done!

very sorry to hear about increased turmoil.  sending love and a hug filled with strength and restful sleep

[dollyvee]

You're welcome mojay - hope it helps you 

Sorry to hear things are more challenging at home.  Hope you find some rest 

[mojay]

Sanmagic, I really like the idea of squeezing your hand, thank you so so much. No one has ever given me a tool like that before. It helps me to feel less alone 
Dollyvee, thank you so much for the warm hug and understanding about challenges at home 


1/18/2021
Called the suicide hotline tonight. It's been about 1.5 years since I last called. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but I'm glad I called. I really needed to talk to someone. Really anxious that police will show up at my door (this is what happened in the past). Have therapy in a few hours, hopefully will be able to sleep. I'm ravenous now. I know it's the cortisol. Maybe eating will help me feel sleepy. Feeling pretty bleak and hopeless. I don't want to hurt myself, but I am having intrusive thoughts and passive thoughts about suicide/how hard life is/if my life will ever be good. Not sure I am actually recovering or if I am just tricking myself. Gonna go eat though and try to sleep. No sleep-hallucinations last night so I am cautiously hopeful for tonight.

[Not Alone]

Mojay,

Glad you reached out to suicide hotline. I know that is a hard decision to make, and in my experience, a long time on hold before talking to someone. Also, yea for standing up for yourself with the psychiatrist.

Several years ago I slowly took myself off the generic version of Lexapro. The side affects were horrible and lasted for months. It would probably be hard to distinguish, but I'm wondering if some of what you are going through is because of that.

[mojay]

NotAlone, reaching to the hotlines can always be so scary. Especially the hold times! Last time I reached out I was on hold for about 30 minutes D:> Fortunately this time I was able to get through in 5ish.

Several years ago I slowly took myself off the generic version of Lexapro. The side affects were horrible and lasted for months. It would probably be hard to distinguish, but I'm wondering if some of what you are going through is because of that.

I think the Lexapro (I am also on the generic version, I can just never spell it right haha) is responsible for the intensity of what I'm feeling. It feels distinctly different to me than when I experience these things without medication in the mix. In 2020 I tried 3 SSRIs and each has given me the same awful emotional side effects peaking in intensity at around 4 weeks of the maintenance dose - they have never subsided like my psychiatrist said they would 
Fortunately, I had only been on the generic Lexapro for around 6 weeks so I am hopeful that the withdrawal phase will not last too long.

I am glad I'm not alone with the side effects, but I feel bad that you've had to go through this too, sending warm hugs if that's okay 

[sanmagic7]

hey, mojay,

nope, you're not alone in this.  and, i hear you about having similar terrible side effects with different ssri's - same thing's happened to me.  we're not all the same, and those types of meds are attaching themselves to specific parts of our brains.  for some, it's just the right kind of attachment.  for others, no.  there's nothing wrong with you, either.  that's just the way meds hit different people.  just this past year i had a similar experience, till i got to the point where i became scared to take the newest med prescribed cuz of fear of the side effects.  happily, my shrink told me not to take anything i'm afraid of.  we tried an older ned, which helped me 20 yrs. ago, and that's been working just fine.

i hope you eventually find something that helps you, rather than hurts you.  sending love and a hug filled with hope for the future

[Not Alone]

I was on Lexapro for a long time, so hopefully your withdrawal side affects will be a much shorter time period.

[mojay]

It's late afternoon and I'm having a really hard time now. My therapist had to reschedule to tomorrow which is okay, it was an emergency for her. rTMS went okay.
Then i got home and had to interact with my F. Also just really tired of living with my B. Every thing about him reminds me of the CSA/SSA and we share a bathroom which has just made me more acutely aware of everything. Intrusive memories keep coming to my mind every single day. I become really overwhelmed by this.

I am frustrated that this is my life right now. All of my friends are moving along and have good lives and are happy and I'm just mired in this miserable pit. I feel like I can't trust anyone right now. My family has betrayed me so many times and I feel like my friends have betrayed me because they don't do anything to try to help me. I can't even talk to the group chat about how I'm feeling without them changing the subject.

I cant stop thinking about how disappointed I am with myself and I feel very unhappy with how my life is currently. I feel like such a loser sometimes. I spent all this money on my education and was too ill to do anything with my degree, got stuck in underemployment, got too sick to work but not sick enough for disability (says the govt) then had my S betray me and now have to live with my abusers again. I just really hate this feeling!!!

I don't even have anywhere to go to feel safe and escape this. I want to just curl up in bed but I'm still in this house with these people who I don't trust and don't want to be  breathing the same air as. I don't want them to be able to knock on my door or know where I am. I just want this situation to change for the better  going to curl up in bed and try to ride this out. maybe i can fall asleep even though sleep has been just as excruciating as being awake.

[sanmagic7]

hang on, mojay - my hand's still available.  you're not alone.  breathe, be, just for the next minute, then the next. we're here for you with your own private safety net, able to catch you if you need us.  much love and many hugs - we're building a fortress around you for protection

[mojay]

hang on, mojay - my hand's still available.  you're not alone.  breathe, be, just for the next minute, then the next. we're here for you with your own private safety net, able to catch you if you need us.  much love and many hugs - we're building a fortress around you for protection

thank you so much Sanmagic, this means a lot to me. Taking things minute by minute and squeezing your hand has helped. I have been trying to construct a mind palace or some place that I can retreat to when I am overwhelmed, I like the idea of a fortress. I think mine would be covered in ivy, I really like plants. I have found some solace tonight in tending to my plants.

i hope you eventually find something that helps you, rather than hurts you.

I have been doing well with Mirtazapine which is a relatively older drug. I have noticed it helps considerably with sleep, appetite and panic attacks. It's the only medicine that I've felt has helped me and would like to stay on it, hoping I can convince my psychiatrist.

Thank you for the warm hug and encouragement 

[marta1234]

Mojay, my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain, and everything you're going through, and just like San said, I'm here too and am like a safety net. I always read your posts, and although I'm not doing well with mental energy these days to reply, I always wish you well.
Remember, one foot in front of the other, even if it's a small step, like going to bed, or drinking water before sleeping. But if this is all too hard, it's ok to take a short break from going forward, and just stay where you are for some time. Sending you my support and care, Mojay, and know that we here on the forum will always cheer you on. You can picture us in the audience of whatever hurdle/struggle you face, and we will be the ones cheering you on, saying, "Yes, you can do it Mojay!" or "We're here for you!". I have done this many times, imagining my support here as an audience when times are tough.

Here's a big hug, and am also adding to the fortress for your protection