MoJay's Journal Attempt

[Kizzie]

Sending as much comfort and support is possible MoJay       

Living in the same house with those who caused your CPTSD is incredibly difficult, it's why many of us move away and go no contact. Feeling/being trapped in ongoing relational trauma is one of the things that led us to develop CPTSD in the first place and then exacerbates it. 

I hope when you do get to talk with your T you will tell her how badly you're feeling and maybe strategize on what you can do about it. For example, I was thinking as I read about how you enjoy your plants about whether there is a nursery/greenhouse nearby or indoor gardens you could go to to give your nervous system a daily break? (We do have a lovely thread called The Potting Shed you may find soothing/helpful - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13543.msg102378#msg102378.) 

Perhaps a walk would help, the a nature show, a gardening group, somewhere or something that helps you to feel safer and have a break from triggering?  Extra sessions with your T might also be helpful if you can cover it. 

Reaching out and talking here as you have may also help to bring some of that sense of being overwhelmed and hopeless down.   

[dollyvee]

Hey Mojay - sorry that it's such a difficult time rn. For me, I can only be back at with some of my family in very small doses. So, you're doing really well! During the first lockdown here, I was having a really hard time with my neighbours and started going on a walk for an hour a day in nature with not a lot of ppl around. I don't know if there's something like that where you are, but it was so helpful and gave me a lot of strength. 

[mojay]

Marta, Kizzie & Dollyvee, thank you all so much for your support. You have all given me such wonderful suggestions and I have taken them to heart. I feel so validated and heard on OOTS and very much appreciate everyone, the last journal entry was a doozy (edited it to make it less triggering!!) so I really appreciate everyone coming together to help me 

I am feeling better today after therapy and spending time out of the house. Still not "out of the woods" (even though I spent most of the day in the woods haha) but I am certainly feeling less turmoil. I have also felt some restored hope for my future that, strangely enough, came from making mistakes. I feel like I have made some mistakes or backslid a bit, but I was able to get myself back on track - especially with the help of others. I feel less alone and I am grateful for the compassion I've received.

I feel like I can't trust anyone right now. My family has betrayed me so many times and I feel like my friends have betrayed me because they don't do anything to try to help me. I can't even talk to the group chat about how I'm feeling without them changing the subject.

I was able to talk through my feelings with my friends more, we came to the solution of me letting them know what I'd like from the conversation. For example, if I just needed to vent, wanted suggestions or just wanted an e-hug. I feel very ashamed because I feel like I may have hurt their feelings or overwhelmed them with my intense emotions :/ I also feel ashamed that I felt so betrayed by them (even though that feeling didn't last). Regardless, it still felt good to talk it through and come up with a plan so I do not feel so abandoned in the future.

I am going to ask my therapist tomorrow for three sessions this week. Seeing a therapist three times a week is more than I've ever done!! Our session today was very helpful though, I was able to talk about my SI and feel validated. We also revisited/reworked my safety plan, so that was very helpful to me. I definitely feel less scared of having "no options" and am seeing the light again. I decided to start a physical journal specifically for writing down those intense SI that I wrote about in my last journal entry - I really don't want to trigger anyone on OOTS but it was helpful to write it down.

Today I spent a lot of time in the state park's trails and then tended to my air plants - it was bath day for them! I also worked on my resume, a job alert came in this morning which is very exciting!!  Maybe the universe heard me asking for a positive way out of my situation 

This evening I watched a movie with M. I did not want to talk to her about how I have been feeling except for saying "I'm having bad side effects from the Lexapro" but I think that was okay. It was nice to enjoy each other's company and watch a cute movie. I pulled a muscle in my neck so she was very helpful and got me an ice pack and helped me position the pads for the TENS unit so I did not have to keep moving around. It felt really nice to be cared for by my M. I think this helped shift my attitude from feeling only betrayed by my FOO to seeing that there was still someone I could count on. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs but it has really strengthened over the last year which I am grateful for.

All in all, feeling much better than I was on Monday. Like Marta said, one step at a time!

[marta1234]

Mojay, I'm happy that you're feeling better and finding some (even minuscule) light, it can be very scary when you go into these periods of SI. I also wanted to add that you're not alone in feeling ashamed or unsure whether you should be laying out your intense emotions to your friends, I've been on that train a lot of times, and occasionally I still do. I find that it's a balance, but remember, nothing is perfect so it's okay if there are bumps on the road.
I also wanted to congratulate you on putting your needs first and taking the step of asking for therapy sessions 3x a week, it takes lots of courage to ask and be there for yourself 
Sending you lots of love and care, Mojay, and remember, we're always here for you, to listen, show empathy and be a place where you are understood 

[Blueberry]

Seconding everything marta says!

[dollyvee]

I feel like I have made some mistakes or backslid a bit, but I was able to get myself back on track - especially with the help of others. I feel less alone and I am grateful for the compassion I've received.

Congrats  sounds like you've come out the other side and saw it with some distance. For me, EFs have gotten "easier" over time in the sense that I can start to recognize when I'm spinning out and take steps to ground myself, looking at what might be causing the triggering.

Excellent news about the job application - I hope it goes well.

[mojay]

1/26/2021
I had an interview today!! For an art consulting role, which I've been trying to get back to. I don't feel very confident about the interview because on Sunday I was asked to schedule the interview for Monday afternoon. I said yes, but it left me with little time to prepare. I'm happy that I interviewed though, I think I'd like working at the company and I think I could be a good consultant for them, too.

I've been having an issue with my eye, I think because of the rTMS. Seeing the optometrist on Wednesday to rule out anything else more serious than muscle spasms & fatigue.

Had some really triggering interactions with my B today. I've mentioned before that we share a bathroom - I don't want to share too many specifics but I've been realizing that bathrooms & my B are very triggering for me. I can't stand when people push my boundaries (especially him!!!!) and I feel like he is pushing my boundaries again as it relates to privacy in the bathroom. I don't know if it's purposeful, I don't think I will ever know if any of my suffering at his hand was "purposeful". It's very frustrating.

Sometimes I really feel like my FOO was designed to make me fail.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for this job because it would be a chance to escape this situation. I really don't like feeling this way!! I just want to move on with my life. Looking forward to therapy tomorrow to talk more about what happened with B.

[Alter-eg0]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, too, mojay.

[mojay]

Thank you Alter-Ego, I really appreciate that!!



Having a hard time lately. I've been triggered all the time living here. My F has been verbally attacking my about being LGBT. He's been drunk almost every day. On Saturday he got arrested for firing a gun in the house. He has been in jail since Saturday and is seeing the judge on Monday at 1:30 pm. The police took all of his guns which is good imho.
I'm really upset about the whole situation. I've been feeling like something like this was going to happen. He was not aiming the gun at any of us, perhaps was aiming it at himself? But it was after arguing with myself and M, I was shutting him out because of how hateful he was being towards my identity and he did not like that I was refusing to talk to him.
I was video chatting with a friend & having a hulu watch party w/ my headphones in when the gunshot happened. I heard it but I thought that my M had dropped part of the dresser she was putting together. No one was injured but the police were called by M, I didn't know. It was pretty scary. None of the cops were wearing masks either which really sucked because now I'm worried about catching covid from those interactions. When they arrived to try and secure the house, I had to leave my room through my window, they did not want me to walk through the house in case D was going to hurt someone. I've had a feeling for a long time that this would happen and my plan was always to leave through my window, so it felt weird to actually be doing it.
I'm glad that all the guns are confiscated. That has been really worrying me if he decides to hurt my M or anyone else with a gun. He has pointed one at my B before and this is the second time he has fired one in the house. M is determined for divorce ASAP. The police gave us domestic violence packets and there are resources in there that I think can be helpful.
I'm worried that the judge will put F on parole and he will have to stay at home & not be allowed to leave the state to stay at his cabin - which is originally what M wanted him to do regarding the divorce. I'm worried that him returning home after this incident will cause more violence.

I did have a second interview for the job via zoom. It didn't go so well. F found a way to interrupt that even though I explained beforehand that I had an interview and needed to not be interrupted. It really distracted me and threw me off and the interviewer did not like the interruption. Aside from that, I found a place to live in the same state as the job. I have been considering moving regardless of having the job or not. I can survive for a few months on savings and I might be able to start work as a temp with a company I used to work for in that area. The commute would be long for the temp roles, but maybe I could find something closer?? ??

I want to leave here so badly but now I'm scared to leave M alone with F.

TMS has been a mess. The only technician left at the clinic got Covid, he is doing okay. I do not think I will be returning though. The clinic could only get someone to cover 2 days last week and on the second day I felt the substitute tech did not set up the machine correctly and it was targeting the wrong part of my brain- it was causing unusual muscle spasms which usually points to the target being the motor cortex. Also none of the usual precautions were followed and she also walked out of the room while the machine was going, so I called her back in and stopped the treatment. The original tech has been in touch and said he hopes to return Wednesday, but that will only have been 10 days from when he got a positive covid result. I feel like that's too soon. I'm just getting more and more uncomfortable with the clinic's practices.

I think I am going to donate blood to the Red Cross so I have have the Covid serology test done, I know there is more than one strain of Covid but I'd like to know if I've at least had it, that way I can stop worrying so much about catching it.

I'm so stressed out right now in light of all this commotion in my life. I wish I could be more active on here but I've just been hiding. 

[dollyvee]

I felt like living around my family always resulted in me having chaos in my life and disorganised thinking. I put an ocean between us and even though it was a struggle, and still is at times, it was probably the best thing I've done for myself. It's forced me to grow so much and brought a lot of good opportunities in my life (despite still having that voice inside that says it will crash and burn but we're dealing with that  ). It's probably a different life than what I might have envisioned but I know deep down it's my life.

I'm sorry things are so complicated and difficult at home rn 

[Not Alone]

Mojay, you are dealing with so much in your life. I just want to sent you my support and care.

[mojay]

Thank you for the support NotAlone & DollyVee.

I'm still having a really awful time. I'm feeling so stressed and upset. I haven't signed a lease but I found a place to live in another state but i don't have a job yet so I don't want to move. At the same time I can't imagine staying here any longer. The art consulting position has so many interview steps and I'm losing steam. We had a 2 hour zoom interview on Friday and I was told there would be ANOTHER interview after that. Before the next interview I have to answer a huge document full of questions (like, 22 pages) and I just don't have the energy to do it. It's a lot of situation questions and I don't have the emotional energy or physical energy to complete it but they expect it by EOD Tuesday. I think I will have to pull my application because I just can't do it.

My F is trying to be allowed back home and I agreed but it's making me so stressed.
I just wish I had someone who would put my needs first. I feel like that's what family is for but obviously not my family. I just wish I had someone I could count on. I'm feeling really upset with myself.
There was another art consulting position that I saw advertised and I messed up my application by applying to two positions. I knew I should just hold off and do more research but I feel so desperate to get out of here that I just applied to both positions. After doing some research I discovered that this is not a good move and will most likely disqualify me. I'm really really really upset about this.
I feel like I'm always running away because I can never just be in a secure position in my life. I feel like I've never had security and it's making me so miserable.
I just wish I had somewhere to go that felt safe but I've never had anywhere that felt like "home" and I have no way of improving my life. My work history is so spotty because of the CPTSD/break downs that have always resulted in losing jobs and having no references or consistency.
I just want something good to happen without it having all of these huge negative drawbacks. I'm just so exhausted by all of this and my inability to be stable and move my life forward. I'm slipping back into feeling suicidal because I just want to escape the pain.  I think that feeling of wanting to escape the pain is what drives a lot of my decisions without thinking through them and that just causes me more distress.
I don't know how I'm going to get these questions done for the art consulting application and now I've ruined my only chance at finding another job soon. I really hate myself rn. I'm in so much pain and feel so much inner turmoil and there's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do to escape this feeling except to keep trying to find a job and leave here, but I messed up that too. Ugh.  Sorry this is so much rambling I just needed to get some thoughts out.

[mojay]

A happy update: I'm moving out!!! 
I've been busy with part of the consulting job application which is still ongoing so I'll be leaving here before knowing if I have a job with them!
But I decided to move out anyways. I'm feeling anxious bc I'll be moving without a job, but I can be comfortable living on savings for 3 months (and less comfortable for 6 months). I feel confident that I can get a job in 3 months but I'm still anxious.

I'm really hoping that I'll feel better when I'm out of this toxic environment. Right now I mostly feel anxiety about not having an income and moving during a pandemic... Then some other emotions that are all tangled up about my family. For now I want to focus on moving and preparing for my next interview with the consulting company, I think this would be the final interview ?? Fingers crossed!

[Blueberry]

A happy update: I'm moving out!!! 

[Not Alone]

A happy update: I'm moving out!!! 

       
A brave and healthy decision.