MoJay's Journal Attempt

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mojay

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MoJay's Journal Attempt
« on: January 05, 2021, 03:39:45 AM »
I've never been good at journaling. After reading some very inspiring recovery journals on OOTS and gaining a better understanding the format of "replies as entries" it seems less daunting to me. Maybe I don't need to write an essay every time, maybe I can just write a few lines when I need to and that will be okay???
Tonight will be more of an essay, i think :Idunno:

I had virtual therapy today after a really difficult weekend. I had three memories from childhood come back. The last time I had memories come back was about 3 years ago and I am so angry with myself for how I handled that. How I acted 3 years ago has been on my mind today. The differences between then and now are hugely important to my recovery but I want to talk about 3 years ago.

The memories back then were about the CSA/SSA and much scarier than what I've remembered over the weekend. I coped back then by inventing problems and bringing lies into my relationship. I think I did that (lying, manipulation, shame shame *shame*) to be comforted by my exes and friends without having to face the awful reality of why I needed comforting and why I was struggling. I feel like i tried to invent another world for myself so I had to focus on keeping up the lie and could ignore the truth.

I am grateful that I don't have to be that way anymore. I know that person was me, but I do not know who she was. I never want to be her again. Sometimes I will catch myself in a white lie. It is so embarrassing to have to say "that actually isn't the truth" or "I misspoke" but I feel so much better once I've realigned myself with the truth. My inner circle is very graceful about it. I try not to worry about what the outer circle  thinks, so long as I am careful to not hurt anyone.

I've discovered that a lot of my lies and hiding come from having to hide my emotions growing up and having to hide why I was so "out of control" aka distressed. I have felt so much shame and felt that I would be rejected if I was truthful about my intense need for compassion. I especially felt I'd be rejected by romantic partners (aka people who were supposed to care about me differently than my friends) if I was truthful about the CSA/SSA.

In 2019 when I was finally truthful with ex 2 about my FOO and the CSA/SSA... well... I was certainly shamed and rejected again. Funny enough, ex 2 had majored in psychology and had been in an LTR with an abusive narcissist so i thought they would understand at least some of my situation. There had been a lot of signs that my ex would not understand, but I had ignored those signs and hoped for understanding bc of their background. Wrong!! I can laugh about it now because I know that the shame is not mine, that their ignorance is not mine, and that my need for compassion is perfectly acceptable.

I've learned so much about myself over the past year of going to twice weekly therapy with a trauma-informed therapist. I also have really noticed a difference from rTMS treatment (I have had 18/36 sessions). I've always swung between left-brain dissociation and right-brain dissociation depending on where I was in a depressive episode. In the past I've felt like I was either disconnected and floating through life or I was obsessive and distracted - but rarely present. Excerpts from Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving have taught me so much about how and why I experience dissociation the ways that I do. I think that the rTMS has "connected" the two halves of my brain and given a noticeable improvement to the  left-brain tasks one sees a dysfunction in with MDD. Not sure if the rTMS has effected my right brain, because I am receiving it for MDD and therefore the stimulation occurs on my left dorsolateral prefrontal cortex.

I just wish I had started treatment earlier. I always had a feeling I should be in therapy, but never knew how to "do it." In 2019 I was hospitalized 3 times for SI and MDD and that's when it all "clicked". Actually, it "clicked" in the partial hospitalization program (PHP) because it was specifically a women's group and we regularly discussed trauma-related issues. Despite living in a major city with good health insurance, I just couldn't find good help once I graduated from the PHP! I was also juggling a new job (my dream job!! I hope to return in 2021), an unhealthy and invalidating relationship with ex 2, and the death of a lifelong friend. When I decided to move states to live with my sister and pursue therapy full time everything changed. I feel so much more authentically me now. I feel like I have a future. I think this is a good place to end my journal :)

Thank you to anyone who made it all the way through this! I really value having this space.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2021, 06:43:19 PM by mojay »

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Bluegem

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2021, 09:38:22 PM »
Well done Mojay on starting your journal  :cheer:

I was very moved by what you wrote,  I think that you have great insight  on your trauma and have clearly completed a lot of work on it.  I am sorry that you feel so bad about your choices and actions in the past. This comment really struck me, maybe this was also an unconscious driver together with drink at the time.

Quote
i feel like i didn't deserve their love.
 

I think a lot of us feel that way I know I do sometimes and sometimes we can behave how we unconsciously feel.

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I've discovered that a lot of my lies and hiding come from having to hide my emotions growing up and having to hide why I was so "out of control" aka distressed. I have felt so much shame and felt that I would be rejected if I was truthful about my intense need for compassion.
 
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I especially felt I'd be rejected by romantic partners (aka people who were supposed to care about me differently than my friends) if I was truthful about the CSA/SSA.

I could have written this, I have never discussed the details of my trauma with my other half ..I cannot get the words out I just become instantly upset even thinking about it. I guess I also have the fear of rejections a huge feeling of shame even though I was only a child.

What is rTMS treatment I have never heard of this?
It certainly seems to be helpful

 
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I just wish I had started treatment earlier. I always had a feeling I should be in therapy, but never knew how to "do it


I  tried to bury my thoughts/feelings for a long time but eventually this only caused depression and non stop flashbacks until I had to seek help. 

I hope your posts prove as helpful to you as mine do to me ..even though I have only done a few so far! :)

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2021, 10:41:02 PM »
Bluegem, I could just hug you!! Thank you so much for reading and responding and encouraging me, it means so much to me!! I hope this e-hug is okay :grouphug:

I have been working really hard on my trauma (I've put in about 110 hours in 2020 into psychotherapy alone!) and I feel very proud of myself. I know I have a long way to go still, but I am so proud of how far I've come.

I could have written this, I have never discussed the details of my trauma with my other half ..I cannot get the words out I just become instantly upset even thinking about it. I guess I also have the fear of rejections a huge feeling of shame even though I was only a child.

It's bittersweet to know I'm not alone in this feeling. My therapist is the only person who i've ever been able to get it out to without having a panic attack or going away through dissociating. I did have a very healing experience telling my M and being comforted by her through my panic attack. I think that I will never again try to tell any romantic partners about what happened to me. It's just too hard to have those two worlds overlap  :stars:
The fear of rejection and feelings of shame are so immediate, I really feel for you.

What is rTMS treatment I have never heard of this?
It certainly seems to be helpful

rTMS is "repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation". It's similar to ECT but also very different. I'm awake during the procedure, experience no amnesia and one is allowed to drive or resume activities immediately after the procedure. A magnetic coil is placed over the left side of my head - it targets my left DLPFC region. The coil then repetitively sends a magnetic pulse, it sounds kind of like a woodpecker is knocking on my head. The whole thing takes about 20 minutes and I go every weekday for 30 sessions then will taper to twice a week for the remaining 6 sessions.

The procedure is FDA approved for treatment-resistant MDD and OCD. I think it is also approved for migraines? But there are studies proving it's efficacy for PTSD, epilepsy and some other conditions. The understanding is that people with MDD have reduced or badly-wired functioning in the left DLPFC region so the electromagnetic pulses cause temporary "virtual lesions" that disrupt those functions/wiring which are then re-wired by the brain's neuroplasticity. Pretty cool and confusing stuff in my humble opinion :)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2021, 10:43:13 PM by mojay »

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notalone

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2021, 11:14:32 PM »
Mojay,

Three memories, yikes.  :grouphug:

You have been working really hard. Glad you are proud of yourself.  :cheer:

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2021, 11:34:54 PM »
Mojay,

Three memories, yikes.  :grouphug:

You have been working really hard. Glad you are proud of yourself.  :cheer:

Thank you for the validation and the hug  :grouphug:

Two of the memories are part of "one" memory but there is still some time missing between the events even though it was all connected. The other memory that came back was a good one :) I feel bad about forgetting the nice thing, but I am glad I remembered it even though it makes me feel overwhelmed and strange. Nice to have a good memory in my memory box.

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2021, 12:04:32 AM »
1/5/2021 (had to laugh at myself for typing 2020 and not even realizing until I posted)
I had a hard day today.
Feeling a lot of hatred toward B today. Can't stop the anger and hatred whirling in my head. Fighting with myself over the hatred. As usual, feeling intense guilt about having any emotions at all towards B. What am I supposed to feel??? I just can't figure it out.

M is very stressed, does not know what to do with B. Does not know what to do with F. I wish they would both leave. I am fearful that the stress will kill M or seriously hurt her health. Had a good memory with M come back and am feeling very emotional towards her and this scares me.

I'm waiting for new insurance to approve my TMS to continue treatment. I am feeling very frustrated at living here. I am feeling very frustrated that I am dependent on anyone, including doctors and insurance. I am feeling very stuck in hopelessness. Self-doubt is creeping in. So many nightmares, I'm afraid to go to sleep. I haven't been able to cry today. Just angry, angry, angry.

No researching today. No reading today. Nothing is comforting. Scared to sleep. I miss going to TMS. Worried about therapy tomorrow. What if I'm too far away to talk? It will be expensive for nothing. I want to cry about it but I can't. I am feeling farther and farther away from myself the closer it gets to bed.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2021, 02:33:22 AM by mojay »

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2021, 09:46:07 PM »
1/6/2021

Was able to finally cry today! During therapy :)  It felt really good to be validated, especially about my anger. We talked a lot about my B. My therapist helped walk me through a lot of the confusion and guilt. I ended up agreeing that I do not have to forgive B and we can work towards other options for closure. Not sure what those are yet, but it feels like the right path.

Thumbs are healed from being picked at!! Did not pick at them last night due to feeling so depersonalized but I am trying really hard to not pick at them today and keep up the good streak. Finished a transcription and am very tired so I am going to reward myself with a nap or some TV time.


Night time. Learned what is going on in DC. Had a panic attack. My F is pro-Cheeto. Do not want to see him. Think I will be staying in my room for a while. I can't swallow my emotions anymore. I hate living in this country. I hate living in this house. I just want peace. I just want peace. I just want peace. Terrified of how my dreams/nightmares will be tonight.  :fallingbricks:
« Last Edit: January 08, 2021, 05:04:54 PM by mojay »

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2021, 05:19:07 PM »
1/8/2021 - Possible TW

Yesterday was tough. Painted for a bit, tried to stay out of my own head about it but was pretty unsuccessful. At least I painted though. Had a lot of bad dreams so I woke up really early today. My therapist thinks the SSRI could cause the terrible nightmares, she has noticed that whenever I try a new SSRI I report really bad nightmares. I didn't notice this about myself, but think it's accurate.



Trigger Warning - SI

Experiencing SI again, ever since I got to the maintenance dose of the SSRI. So I'm going to stop taking it. I was doing much better on just the mirtazapine and rTMS, didn't have SI. It's exhausting to have to fight against myself. They're coming into my mind every few minutes and I am so exhausted from talking myself down. I keep coming back to the though that this will never change, I will never change, I will never get better and. will never know peace or stability. I feel so overwhelmed. I really hate my living situation. I really hate that my FOO is so messed up and I'm back in the thick of it. I don't want to witness this anymore. I wish I could fly away from this situation and end up somewhere happy instead of dealing with this. I know I will feel better when the SSRI is out of my system and when I am able to move out of this house. But it is still so hard. I feel so trapped.

End Trigger Warning



Have spent a lot of time today distracting myself, keep feeling like it's sunset but it's only noon D:> I don't feel up to going grocery shopping but will try to make a list today. I did get my stimulus check and was able to pay down some of my credit card debt, which felt really good. I think having a better credit score will really help me to find a new apartment when I am able to move out of here.

Trying to be really future-focused today. Staying away from social media, the DC situation scares me too much. Lots of worry for my friends in the DMV. Just feeling so tired today. Tired, tired, tired. But of course I can't fall asleep for a nap. Oh well.


It's later in the day now. I was able to message my therapist and talk through some of the SI thanks to helpful comment reminding me how great my therapist has been. Had some trouble with dissociation, M found me in the kitchen trying to wash dishes... Luckily the sink didn't overflow while I was zoned out!!! Doing some meditation and stretches tonight. Anxiety is setting in about sleep... scared of the nightmares. Hopefully meditation & stretching will help. Trying to remain hopeful!
« Last Edit: January 08, 2021, 11:57:28 PM by mojay »

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Bluegem

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2021, 09:16:43 PM »
Mojay I am so sorry that you are having a really hard time right now. Sending you a hug  :hug: I hope it helps even just a little.

Things will change, they always do eventually but I understand your feelings of being stuck right now especially in the current situation & lack of sleep really doesn't help either.

I had to return to my FOO home after leaving a traumatic situation ( thankfully the only one in my adult life) and it was truly awful, I was sleeping on the sofa for 6 months and I tried to be there as little as I possibly could but eventually I was able to find a new home & a new life.

You seem to have a good therapist who picks up on things like changing SRRI & your nightmares and you can talk through things with them. Its not much but At least its something.

Take care and I hope you feel a little better now & that you get good rested sleep this evening :hug:


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notalone

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2021, 09:40:34 PM »
Feeling a lot of hatred toward B today. Can't stop the anger and hatred whirling in my head. Fighting with myself over the hatred. As usual, feeling intense guilt about having any emotions at all towards B. What am I supposed to feel???

There are reasons for what your are feeling and whatever you are feeling is okay.

Been there with the nightmares and SSRIs.

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2021, 10:57:54 PM »
Hi Bluegem & NotAlone,
Thank you for the kind words and validation  :grouphug:

NotAlone, you do a wonderful job to help me feel less alone!!! The perfect username :) Truly. I think the SSRIs really do cause a lot of problems for me. Nightmares and SI being the biggest two. Fortunately it gets so much less intense when I'm off of them, so I'm just holding on until then.


Bluegem, you're absolutely right, my therapist is a really good part of my life right now!! I feel like I can really trust her and that she genuinely cares about me. It's been a very healing relationship, thank you for bringing this to the forefront of my focus. I feel like it's help redirect some of the negative energy I've had swirling around in my head. Thank you  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2021, 10:59:58 PM »
NotAlone, you do a wonderful job to help me feel less alone!!! The perfect username :) Truly.

I'm so glad.

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2021, 12:33:53 AM »
1/9/2021
Possible TW - Feeling pretty negative


Nightmares about trauma all night. Woke up disoriented and afraid. Spent too much time today ruminating over F's behavior and did myself a disservice by looking at his twitter. Talked with M about him leaving - we are aiming for spring. I think I can make it another few months here but I'm still holding out hope for returning to my dream job (and moving out of state) before spring. Returning to work will probably be another bad decision in just another string of bad decisions that have made up my life. I wish I could feel better about myself. I wish I didn't hate myself so much  :'(
I feel like I was robbed of so much and I have to remember it and deal with it every. single. day. in this house. Why couldn't I have been stronger?? Why did I wait so long and deny myself so much?? Why couldn't anyone see how much help I needed?? Why did I let these terrible people break me down?? Why did no one help me when I was little?? Why couldn't I help myself as an adult?? Why was I failed so many times?? How do I escape this?? I just want to feel better  :'(

Having a good cry as I write this. Feeling grateful that I am able to cry today. Feeling grateful that my therapist and I noticed the SSRI making me feel worse and I am tapering off it. Feeling grateful for having OOTS as a place to write these things and to feel less alone.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2021, 02:35:05 AM by mojay »

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dollyvee

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #13 on: January 10, 2021, 11:01:57 AM »
I hear you Mojay - it's hard to be in proximity to your FOO when there's so much going on and it brings all of the past up.

 
1/9/2021
Returning to work will probably be another bad decision in just another string of bad decisions that have made up my life. I wish I could feel better about myself. I wish I didn't hate myself so much  :'(
I feel like I was robbed of so much and I have to remember it and deal with it every. single. day. in this house. Why couldn't I have been stronger?? Why did I wait so long and deny myself so much?? Why couldn't anyone see how much help I needed?? Why did I let these terrible people break me down?? Why did no one help me when I was little?? Why couldn't I help myself as an adult?? Why was I failed so many times?? How do I escape this?? I just want to feel better  :'(

Remember at the time that you were doing the best that you could for yourself and you had (and have) good intent.

I read your post as well about the twitter & your f&m. There were so many times that I tried to get my mom to realize how bad my stepfather was for her and each time I failed, or she chose him, I was devastated. I had to back away and let it play out and it was awful - why is this happening, what's wrong with me that she is choosing this person. She didn't choose herself or to take care of herself (and ultimately destroyed herself in the process) and I had to watch it and there wasn't anything I could do. Little by little I came to realize that she wasn't the mom I needed her to be. I don't want to put too much of my experience on yours just that I hear you and I'm sorry that it's so painful  :hug:

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2021, 08:41:40 PM »
Remember at the time that you were doing the best that you could for yourself and you had (and have) good intent.
Dollyvee, thank you for this reminder! I think you're right, I really was trying the best that I could. Will be writing this on my whiteboard for when I start to be too critical of myself, thank you so much  :hug: 

Little by little I came to realize that she wasn't the mom I needed her to be. I don't want to put too much of my experience on yours just that I hear you and I'm sorry that it's so painful  :hug:
I don't think you put too much of your experience onto me, I actually really appreciate that you shared because it has helped me to examine my situation. I think that my mom also wasn't who I needed her to be when I was young, but she has started to become that person now. I think she has made a lot of realizations through her own therapy journey... one of my treatment goals was to talk with my mom about what happened to me and how it has effected me and we are able to do that. She even gave me a very good apology for not being there for me and (so far) has kept her word to not be that person again. Sometimes I forgot the progress we have made, so typing it out here was really helpful  :bighug: