MoJay's Journal Attempt

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Snowdrop

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #45 on: February 23, 2021, 02:18:01 PM »
Great news, Mojay! :cheer:

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dollyvee

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #46 on: March 02, 2021, 11:25:32 AM »
A happy update: I'm moving out!!!  ;D

Such good news! I hope the interview goes well and you can get a little rest now  :hug:

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #47 on: March 05, 2021, 05:16:04 PM »
I'm settling into my new apartment. like my roommates, generally I think it's a good fit. The younger roomie isn't very covid-cautious though so that's been bothering me but I think it's a valid thing to bring up so I'm going to try to do that eventually. The other issue is my allergies with the dogs. I'd really like to live alone but I just can't afford it.

I was offered the job with a start date of 3/29/21 and am waiting for them to send me the contracts. I'm feeling really anxious about it because they want me to sign a non-compete agreement but I don't make enough money with them to sign away my right to work for someone else. I'll have to read the fine print and maybe get an employment attorney to look over it. I'm also worried because I did something bad and lied on my application by putting a graphic that wasn't mine into my portfolio. I really don't know why I did that other than I wasn't thinking clearly because of what happened with my F and I felt like I wasn't good enough. I spent the next few days being really unstable and feeling really suicidal and was so angry with myself for doing something (lying) I promised myself I would never do again. After I sent the portfolio with the stolen work, I was asked to fill out a questionnaire. When I finished the questionnaire I sent it back with my resume and an honest portfolio. I'm really hoping that they do not notice but i have so much anxiety over the fact that this could cause me to be fired at any time and if I sign a non-compete I won't be able to work in my field.

I feel pretty bad about everything to be honest. I'm feeling more and more hopeless and feel especially vulnerable because of everything that's happened with my FOO. I guess I just feel really alone and it's paralyzing me. I need to get more stuff done but I haven't been able to do a lot because I feel so paralyzed. I don't know how I'm going to work like this.

I've been feeling so angry with my FOO. I don't know how anyone could ever move past being betrayed so thoroughly by the people who are supposed to care for you and nurture you. Maybe I will make a post on the FOO board, there's a lot I want to say because there's a lot I've realized about those people after everything that's happened.

Maybe it's natural that I feel so unstable right now? I feel like I've been conditioned to think of my FOO as the rock that my life is built around, like a foundation of sorts. I've never really "felt" that but it's how society is supposed to be structured right? So maybe now that I'm really coming to terms with not having that foundation and seeing how negatively they've effected my life I feel unstable as a result.

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notalone

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #48 on: March 05, 2021, 08:53:53 PM »
You've been in a very stressful situation, living with your FOO. You just moved out of that situation and into an apartment with roommates. You are starting a new job. All those things are really big. Your feelings make sense.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2021, 03:51:20 AM by notalone »

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dollyvee

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #49 on: March 06, 2021, 09:54:16 AM »
That's great progress Mojay - congrats on the job. You sought to rectify the situation and take responsibility for your actions. This is big and separates you from your FOO.

Second what notalone has written - that you've gone through a lot and all these emotions will take time to settle. It's understandable that you are worried about making enough to survive. Perhaps there's terms under which the non-compete clause allows you to work for another company?

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Blueberry

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #50 on: March 06, 2021, 12:28:41 PM »
Mojay, I 'third' what notalone said.  :hug:

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mojay

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #51 on: March 23, 2021, 09:50:28 PM »
Quick good news everyone!
I got my old job back with the company that I really like!! Currently I'm an independent contractor and not a regular employee, but it's the company that I was employed with in 2019 before taking medical leave/moving. I decided not to move forward with the other job I accepted, which lead to a really difficult & unexpected phone call. I had emailed the company and they followed up with a call which I wasn't expecting. In therapy we discussed the severe anxiety (shakes, breathing fast, heart racing) from the phone call and came to the conclusion that it was yet another trauma response. I'm finding it easier to pinpoint these reponses and see how often I'm actually reacting to things in this way... it's really troubling to me that I react this way so I'm glad that I'm gaining more of a hold over it.
I'm finding myself having these trauma responses to stressful interpersonal situations. Usually the response is black/white thinking, catastrophizing, rigid "solutions" & severe anxiety afterwards.

This really bothers me, it's funny because I can pinpoint this being an issue throughout much of my life by memories... even though I don't have many memories! This has been a huge detriment to my interpersonal relationships and is *maybe* a symptom of BPD??  In any case, I'm feeling more confident and hopeful now that I can work towards controlling these responses.

Feeling glad to be here :)

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notalone

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Re: MoJay's Journal Attempt
« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2021, 10:02:09 PM »
Congratulations on your job.