Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

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Hope67

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Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« on: January 06, 2021, 01:23:29 PM »
A New Year, 2021, and I am starting a new Journal.   :)

Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2021, 02:37:29 PM »
 :cheer: Sending you hugs and support as always, Hope. Youíre doing great!  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2021, 02:50:49 PM »
6th January 2021

I am relieved that I finally managed to start this new Journal for 2021, as I felt resistance from some of my parts about doing it.  But I've done it, and it feels ok now - so I hope to at least write a few things freely today, whilst I feel able to.

TW - Trigger Warning - mentioning some words denoting some violence

On 3rd January I had a dream where I was involved in a physically violent situation - I think someone was trying to kill me, but the word 'assasinate' was the word I thought of when recounting the dream the next morning.  I felt like I'd slid down some kind of mountain which made me feel crushed, and I knew I was bloodied, battered and weary, BUT I survived it. 

The positive thing about this dream was that I felt as if someone had HELPED me to survive - I wasn't alone, and that feeling was a good one.  I felt like I'd SURVIVED.

End of TW

When I was thinking about that dream, and what meaning it might have had, I did think about the fact that my own birth was difficult - it took a long time and must have been traumatic for both myself and for my M.  But somehow I didn't think it was related to that - even though the thoughts passed through my mind.  I thought it might be more about escaping something terrifying, and coming through it ok. 

On 4th January I had been reading lots of my summaries and time-lines, and whilst doing so, I found that things within them made me 'feel more' things - but I also felt really nauseous and over-whelmed at times, and physically sick for a while afterwards.  But I realised that there were time periods in the time lines which have no memories, and that disconcerted me, but at the same time, I wasn't surprised either. It's been like that for a long time - parts of the puzzle are missing.  Also things that I thought happened at certain points in time, I subsequently realise I was a vastly different age than I anticipated I was. 

I've also begun to look further into my triggers - especially my feelings about endings, and goodbyes, and transitions.  As a child, I was moved around so much, and things were never explained or talked about.  I just had to cope with whatever change or transition happened.  No wonder I have triggers around those things.  It makes sense to me.

One of the schools I attended - I actually got to leave that school at the same time that everyone else left it - so I got to see their leaving rituals, and one of them was to write things in leaving books - but I was shocked that they wrote jokes in there, and nothing meaningful - it made me feel it was insensitive, and uncaring.  I guess I wanted to see some nice things written, about how meaningful a friendship or relationship might have been, even if it was only a fleeting time in the making.

I recognise the stifled way of writing - that sometimes comes to me - and it's apparent now.  It's like I write as if I'm an Edwardian or Victorian instead of in the 21st Century!  Maybe it's not apparent to anyone else, but it's what came to mind to me - in this moment.

Another part of me is annoyed by this, the fact I've commented about it, and mentioned it.  As if to say 'Don't bring attention to that'.  But I'm trying not to erase things or temper what I write.

I think that's all I can write today - but it's good I wrote something, and started this new Journal.

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2021, 02:51:44 PM »
Marta - thank you so much for your reply - I just saw it - and I am happy to see you.   :cheer:

I really like the hugs and send them also to you.   :hug: :hug:

Hope  :)

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mojay

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2021, 02:56:40 AM »
Hi Hope, congratulations on your 2021 journal!!  :cheer:

When I was thinking about that dream, and what meaning it might have had, I did think about the fact that my own birth was difficult - it took a long time and must have been traumatic for both myself and for my M.  But somehow I didn't think it was related to that - even though the thoughts passed through my mind.  I thought it might be more about escaping something terrifying, and coming through it ok. 
I often have nightmares similar in theme to what you've mentioned. I have always thought mine were about escaping something terrifying (or not being able to escape). I had not considered that perhaps the dream could be related to my birth? I did not realize that birth could impart t. onto a child! Now I have a new topic to research, so I truly thank you for opening my eyes to this.

It sounds like you have put a lot of hard work into recognizing your triggers, that's awesome!! *high-five*

I guess I wanted to see some nice things written, about how meaningful a friendship or relationship might have been, even if it was only a fleeting time in the making.
This is actually something I had my childhood friends do! I don't have memories of it earlier than maybe 17 ??? But have a photograph of the messages. Anyways, just wanted to sympathize with wanting to see nice things written from friends. It meant a lot to me. Also thankful that your post brought a sweet memory to my mind.

I recognise the stifled way of writing - that sometimes comes to me - and it's apparent now.  It's like I write as if I'm an Edwardian or Victorian instead of in the 21st Century!  Maybe it's not apparent to anyone else, but it's what came to mind to me - in this moment.
Personally, I really like how you write :) I think you are very adept at explaining situations and your feelings in a coherent way. I don't think it's old-fashioned or anything. Just wanted to drop some encouragement, I hope that the part who is annoyed by your writing doesn't get upset.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2021, 05:38:41 AM by mojay »

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Tee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2021, 06:49:27 PM »
 :hug: I think is great Hope that you started a new journal.  I think I should do the same.  And try to write at least once a week.  This past year has been so rough Iíve disappeared several times just trying to make through the days.  Iím glad you have written here and that your parts have allowed it.  I like the way you write.  Kids tend to not write things off substance in the end of year books.  Often times I just got names :Idunno: most kids donít like to write in the first place so they keep it short and sweet.

I hope this year brings us both good steps forward on this journey we are on. I'll be here to give a hug any time. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2021, 06:50:41 PM »
Good luck with your new Journal, Hope! It's good you started and that you managed to write so much. I can't say more atm  :hug:  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2021, 07:03:27 PM »
Hi Mojay,
Thank you for everything you said.  I really appreciate all the things you said, and thank you.   :)

Hi Tee,
It has been good to have started a new journal for 2021.  Thank you for saying what you said.  It makes sense.  Thanks for the hug, and sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you - I am struggling with words today, but I am glad to read what you wrote, and thanks for the hug  :hug: - sending one also to you.   :hug:

************
10th January 2021

I know I'm currently coming out of, or maybe still in, some kind of EF.  I think it's because I was taken unawares by someone I talked to today - she wanted me to do two things that I don't feel comfortable doing - well, one of them is ok, but the second things I really don't want to be part of, but I have felt obliged to agree to it, because of pressure on me from other influences.  I am being purposefully vague here about the circumstances, but what I'm left with is the feeling of obligation and dislike that I've been put in this situation.  I feel like I want to say 'No' to it, but I know that it would be too difficult to do that. 

For some reason one of my parts wants me to write about a dream I had last night - so I'll do that now.  I was constantly feeling anxious in a supermarket (in the dream) and trying to purchase several of a reduced price item, and feeling really bad for doing that.  Yet, I kept buying and re-buying it - it seemed to go on through the night, and so in the morning I felt very fatigued and also thought about how pointless it had been, as I literally hadn't been shopping and therefore hadn't purchased the thing I wanted to buy!  The emotions that had come with the dream had been feelings of shame and guilt about wanting to buy several of that product, and how others would think about me, and what they might say.  I did go shopping today, and I did buy one of the item - why aren't I mentioning what it is?  It's a jar of coffee.  It's nothing special.  It's just coffee... 

Whilst I write this, I think of themes that come to mind - they are things like feeling guilty about things that most people wouldn't feel guilty about.  Why do I do that?

I've been watching a TV documentary about an organisation, and the programme is called "The Vow" and it's about people in America who got involved in a cult-like organisation.  I have found it interesting but it's also brought up a few feelings in me.  Anyway, I've surprised myself by what I've written just now, and now I need to go.

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2021, 01:04:17 AM »
Hope, I can see where feeling pressed to do something that you don't want to do would be triggering.

Hearing that your dream brought some difficult feelings.

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Tee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2021, 05:42:06 AM »
 :hug: hugs Hope it's hard to have dreams that make you feel certain ways even when they don't necessarily make sense the feelings might.  I'm sorry that you had a dream that brought up shame and guilt.  It's hard to say no to things sometimes.  I hope that you are able to find peace in doing it or courage enough to say no.  Big hug for now. I've got to go  :hug:

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dollyvee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2021, 09:43:45 AM »
I've been watching a TV documentary about an organisation, and the programme is called "The Vow" and it's about people in America who got involved in a cult-like organisation.  I have found it interesting but it's also brought up a few feelings in me.  Anyway, I've surprised myself by what I've written just now, and now I need to go.

Hi Hope - I just wanted to say that The Vow brought up so much stuff in me as well! Maybe, for me, it was the way they were gaslit into thinking a certain way just to get the attention and affection of someone they cared about, and the shame for realizing what it was they were doing afterwards. It was really powerful.


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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2021, 03:51:11 PM »
Hi Notalone,

Thank you for validating what I wrote - I appreciated you saying what you did.  I did feel very triggered by the situation where I agreed to do something that I didn't really feel like I wanted to do.  I also recognise that I was probably in an EF in terms of my strong reaction to it, as over time, I've felt like it isn't quite as bad as I felt it was at the time I agreed.  So I am thankful that I'm kind of resolving myself to be able to 'do' the thing I have agreed to do. 

Hi Tee,

Thank you very much for what you said and for the hug too  :hug:  The dream did bring up shame and guilt, those are hard emotions to experience.  Yes, it's hard to say 'no' to things sometimes, and I didn't feel I could say 'no' in that situation - I also hope that the actual event won't be as challenging as I think it will.  I'll certainly find out when I come to doing it.  But at least at the moment, I feel as if I might be able to cope, whereas before I felt lots of very strong things like 'being trapped' - which I think were related to being in an EF - and therefore not being able to see it rationally.

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you for sharing the fact that watching 'The Vow' brought up so much stuff for you - it helps me to hear that, as it definitely brought up stuff in me too.  I agree with you about the people being gaslit into thinking a certain way.  It was really powerful.  I've not finished watching it yet, I still have about 3 episodes of it still to watch, so I'm going to take it slowly and not over-whelm myself.   But I want to watch it to the conclusion. 

**********
12th January 2021

I feel a lot more 'complete' today - in that I feel as if I'm more in self, or at least that a more confident part of myself is perhaps leading/driving my bus.  I've been able to get more things done today as a result, and that's been good.  I needed to get on with quite a few things, and before I'd been struggling to do much at all.  So I am relieved to have a change today, and be more productive.

Thinking back to the dream I had about the coffee - I have been buying some coffee, but only a jar at a time, when I go shopping!  That way I have managed not to replicate the shame of buying more than 1 jar.  There's no restriction on how many jars I could buy, but it's a good value price, and I am saving money to buy it at that price. 

This has annoyed me how I'm feeling the need to explain that now.  Why can't I just buy 6 jars at a time, and not worry about doing that.  But I just can't - I feel like I will be judged for doing that.

So far I have 2 jars of coffee.  That's not excessive.

For some reason I've not been able to read anything related to complex PTSD - I'd re-started Janina Fisher's book, but not finished it.  I have 2 of Carolyn Spring's books that I bought - but I've not started either of them.  There's a definite resistance from some parts about reading anything at the moment, and that's quite unusual.

I've not been able to use my acrylic pens yet. 

But I have done some dot-to-dots - I can do those, and I feel calmer when I do them.

I nearly acted on a thought that it would be fun to colour in the dot-to-dot pictures after I'd finished them, but so far I've not felt able to act on that thought. 

Realisation: I had one of these yesterday - so I'm writing the title here, to bring it back to mind.  It felt very important yesterday.  What was it about?  It was the fact that there are recurring themes for me where I feel unable to 'talk' - i.e. there's always things I can say to certain people, and taboo areas that I can't mention.  This has happened consistently through my life, and makes me feel like I'm just not allowed to express myself freely.  I'm not allowed to talk about things freely.  It's very frustrating.  But that's how it is, and that's how it feels. 

I don't like it, as I'd like to be more open.

I have to go now.

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2021, 06:15:02 PM »
Hope, this "This has annoyed me how I'm feeling the need to explain that now.  Why can't I just buy 6 jars at a time, and not worry about doing that.  But I just can't - I feel like I will be judged for doing that." struck me.
I know this feeling of "I just can't" very well. I would just like you to know you're not alone  :hug: :hug:

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Tee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2021, 07:24:38 AM »
 :hug: I'm glad you feel like you will be able to cope now.  But if it comes down to it and you can't just say sorry I really can't do this right and make the better choice for you.  But I hope it will all turn out great and you will be able to stretch and grow and have a sense of accomplishment when it is all said and done. :yes:  Big hug of encouragement support and love :hug:

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marta1234

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2021, 09:36:50 AM »
Sending you support and love, Hope  :hug: Iíve also had books in my mind to read (related to trauma) but havenít gotten the courage (?) or the ok from my parts. There are even chapters in Pete Walkerís book that were upsetting and I couldnít even read the first sentence. And about the coffee jars, youíre not alone in that feeling, Iíve had so many times when Iíd buy something but feel ashamed at leaving the store with only one thing, or with a strange combination...


I nearly acted on a thought that it would be fun to colour in the dot-to-dot pictures after I'd finished them, but so far I've not felt able to act on that thought. 


I hope Iím not oversharing here, but I did want to tell you that your sentence struck me: how many times have I had the thought to grab my paintbrushes and just paint, or color in pictures, but then never been able to act on it.

Hope you have a good week (as best as it can be), sending you my support and warm, safe hug  :hug: