Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Armadillo and Sanmagic,
It was great to get all or your reactions to what was written in that passage - because it's very interesting to be considering these things, and I'm definitely getting a lot out of doing the sensorimotor book reading.  Sanmagic, I think that maybe that particular movement isn't necessarily an issue for you, as maybe you use different defences, and the movement being mentioned was in relation to the freeze one.  I also think I might have done a typo - as one of the words in the paragraph doesn't make sense, so could mean it's a bit difficult to read out of context.  I've read the remainder of the chapter, and was just putting a small part out to remember and comment on - as I know I can lose stuff if I don't comment here in my journal.

I really appreciate hearing what you each said.  I've noticed that the writers of the book aren't prescribing any particular courses of action, but purely talking about noticing and being aware of orienting cues - and I think that's been a good way to approach it, as otherwise I think I would have resistance coming in from some or all of my parts. 

They also always include a section about adapting the chapter for dissociation, which means that they are taking account of different parts - and potential resistance, and I think that really helps me to feel confident to continue reading.

As I write this, a part is saying "What you're writing doesn't make sense, how is anyone supposed to comprehend what you mean, from what you've written."  Another part is saying "I don't even understand it myself!  How can you try to explain something that you don't understand yourself!!!" and another voice/part is saying "well, I'm just going to write it anyway"...

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19th May 2021

I want to write quite a few things just now, so I'll just let myself free-flow and write:

I have been doing quite a lot of effortful concentration on attending to all parts of myself, and therefore acknowledging all thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations as being potential messages/communications from parts.  Also doing what Janina Fisher suggests, in terms of labelling them as 'parts' rather than things that are 'me'.  i.e. being triggered - I can then say to myself, that's a part that was triggered, rather than 'I am triggered' - and I've been doing this for a few weeks now, and over time, it's getting better. 

However, this means that during the day, I'm able to keep myself 'on-line' more (i.e. keeping my frontal lobe from shutting down) and keeping myself more often in the 'going on with normal life self' - BUT at night, that's when I've found that my parts are switching and 'taking over' my body for quite a lot of the night.  I've had more night terrors - there was one a couple of nights about where I thought there was a woman with a (Trigger warning...)

With a Knife and she was attempting to kill me.  I screamed very loud (according to my partner) and I heard the shock and upset in HIS voice, in his reaction to my terror.  He was visibly upset the next morning when he asked me about the night time, and I took quite some time to recall what had happened.  I woke feeling as if I was experiencing significant paralysis - as if I had severe arthritis and my neck, head and upper body was really struggling to move.  It took me quite a time to orientate myself to the day, and to then try to think about the events of the night.  My partner said - "I wonder which one of us is traumatised by these night-terrors" (there is part of me that reacts with laughter to that, and part of me that is very sad/upset about that).  I think that it had affected him more than me, as he was the one who was woken in the night and heard the high pitched scream.  He told me that he wonders why noone ever comes to find out if there's something bad happening - noone ever seems to hear and respond.  I just don't think anyone else would have heard it.  But I guess I don't know how loud it was.

Anyway, I think there is more 'activity' of my parts at night now - because of my different management of there experiences during the daytime, this is how I'm thinking of it. 

I'm beginning to feel a little more emboldened to potentially begin to talk about the parts more, and maybe share some of the 'conversations' that happen, in my journal.   I don't know if I'll stick with that potential or not, it's just what I'm thinking today, in this moment.

Also, I watched a film on Netflix the other day, that had Amy Adams in it, and there were issues of trauma in that film - I really found it an absorbing film - I wish I could remember the title - it was such a good film.  One of the newer films they've put on Netflix in the past few days.  Amy Adams and some other famous people in it.  So well acted.  She seems to understand trauma, and I've seen her in other films (I think she was in the series about 'Sharp Objects' or something like that - that was also very good).

I've also been interested in things that some people have been saying in the forum about trauma and food issues.  Janina Fisher had mentioned that "fats and carbs calm the nervous system" and "induce numbing" and I think that's significant to my own situation - I comfort eat sometimes and gravitate to both fat and carbs and therefore numb myself that way. 

I experienced something unusual the other day - I 'felt more' physically - the material on my trousers was catching on my leg, and it felt so sore and hurt a lot.  This is very unusual for me, as I often 'don't feel' things - including temperatures or physical things.  So I was incredibly sensitive that day for part of the day. 

My memories and things I'm processing are changing - I've been looking at older memories - i.e. memories of my teenage years, and I don't feel like I can write about those memories here, but I wanted to mention that I have been focusing on different age ranges of time. 

Finally, I've written these notes in a paper diary, and I want to write them here as well:

"Noticing triggers in daytime - less blending.  BUT noticed MORE blending with parts in the night-time.

*Notice the parts and unblend from them.
*Pain of the reaction from the family.
*Emotional muscles - You'll be able to unblend
*Finally somebody cares

Feeling flashbacks
Traumatic triggers
Frontal lobe shut-down, going on with normal life part is shut down.  Parts related chaos, as parts overtake the body.
Empathic failure

Parts: Attachment; Fight part; Freeze part; Flight part: Submit part."

My notes may not make much sense, but they remind me of things that I've been reading, and they do make some sense to me at the moment, and I might lose my paper diary, as I've written stuff all over the place.

****Trigger warning
This reminds me of a situation when I was looking in some books where I'd written a lot of 'notes' from various books I've read over the past years, and my partner saw me doing this - I was over-whelmed by the amount of notes I'd written, and then a part of me reacted by my crying and losing control on myself - and my partner said it reminded him of the film 'A beautiful mind' where the guy had written notes everywhere - I was then scared that he thought I was losing my mind, and becoming psychotic, or unbalanced - or losing control, but thankfully we were able to talk about things, and I was able to unblend from the scared and reactive part that had caused me to cry and be very anxious, and I was able to say that I 'need' to write notes, because my brain often goes off-line (or I dissociate) and therefore taking notes helps me to process what I read, as otherwise, I wouldn't take it in, or keep it in mind, or indeed be able to process it.

So glad to have written all of this, it feels liberating today and in this moment to be writing it all.   A nice contrast to my sometimes faltering and great difficult expressing myself.  I wish it was like this all the time, but maybe that wouldn't be great either.

I think I'm feeling a bit manic today - maybe that's too strong a word, just over-stimulated.  Like there's a pressure of speech, and it's coming out in my writing.  I wonder 'am I blended now' - if so, what part is so keen to write?

Anyway, I am going to try to get in a more balanced window of tolerance, and try to have a better night sleep where I don't end up having active parts and hopefully I won't get night terrors tonight.  I worry more for my partner at the moment, as I seem to be feeling less bothered by them - even though they do happen.

Hope 

[Armadillo]

You're doing really well with the parts work! I find that really difficult myself.

That dream sounds terrifying! And that's not fair of your husband to think maybe it's harder on him just cause he's able to verbalize that fear.

[Hope67]

Hi Armadillo,
Thanks for your validation on my part's work, I feel I am making some baby steps in terms of progress, and that's feeling good to achieve that.

Regarding my partner, I might have described things as being a bit tense, but it wasn't like that.  I'm grateful to the fact I'm able to talk with him about all of this stuff, and infact over time, it's changed quite a lot - he is incredibly supportive.  I think he was using humour in saying 'who is more terrified by the night terrors' - and that did help.  I think it must be exasperating for him sometimes, in that I don't always notice the night terrors at the time - he hears the screams, he worries about me. 

Interesting that trying to write this and explain it, I find I can't really explain it - but anyway, I do feel like he's a supportive influence in my life, and I am always grateful to the fact I can talk to him about things.

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20th May 2021
My memory of last night was that I came into contact with a very 'emotional part' - one that felt intense emotions.  They felt so strong.  It was only for a fleeting few moments, but I was grateful to have 'met' that part of myself for those moments, and I tried to 'sit with' the emotions and be grateful that the connection had been made. 

I'm feeling quite 'out of sorts' today - not sure how to settle my mind.  Feeling like I have lots of things I should be doing, but not wanting to do or start any of them. 

Hope 

[Armadillo]

You described it perfectly well! He does sound supportive and I can see how what he said would be helpful especially if you have trouble giving yourself permission to feel upset about stuff like the nightmare. 

Out of sorts days kind of suck it out of you. I hope you have a break in your day to restore yourself a bit with a walk or something you love.

[Hope67]

Thanks Armadillo   

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21st May 2021
I woke an hour early this morning, and spent that time being 'kind' to myself and my selves, by just lying and allowing whatever feelings came to mind, and it really helped me to feel better for when the time came to actually get up. 

I've noticed I've been writing things, and often using the 'quotes' to differentiate words, this is a habit I do sometimes, but not all the time.  Not really sure why I do that.

Maybe it's to emphasise things.  Or maybe it's something else, but I'm not really sure.

I've noticed that one of my parts tends to say things like "I'm really scared"  Another part tends to say things that involve swear words, that I wouldn't normally use myself in daily life (except maybe whilst driving).  I do relate to times in the past when I did feel very scared.  So I think that part that says 'I'm really scared' is still caught there, and I'm pleased that she's reaching out to me, and that I am trying to comfort her, and tell her that she's safe now.

I feel like I've got a very small vulnerable part of me with me today - and so I'm going to try to be there for her. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

Later in the day, 21st May 2021

Potential Trigger warning as not sure what I'm going to write:
I've been going through some old photographs, and I've been tearing some up.  I started this process this morning, and had a huge whoosh of emotion that came up like a physical thump in the chest.  Whoosh of nausea kind of feeling.  My partner is around today, and we were going for a walk after, and I was able to tell him that tearing up the photos had been emotive - although at the time I was doing it, I had felt a bit dissociated and not feeling anything at all...  The walk did us both good, and so did the talking.

I've sorted through more photos this afternoon. 

Now I'm going to try to do something else, just drink a cup of tea.  Try to sit with any feelings that remain.  I do feel a sense of liberation that I've chosen what photos stay in my life, and which ones have been torn up and will be put into the recycling paper pile. 

Actually I do feel sad as I write this - I feel upset - I can feel that.

I think I need to take a break over the weekend - maybe read something lighter.  Maybe magazines. 

Hope 

[Bermuda]

What you feel is very relateable. Sometimes the physical release of the past can help us accept the now.

It's great you were able to walk and talk it out.

[Jazzy]

This sounds so great, Hope!   

I love that you're taking action to improve things and not be stuck in the past. It's also great that you're allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions, including the ones like sadness. Feeling liberated is very powerful too! I'm sure that will be quite helpful.

[Hope67]

Hi Bermuda,
Thank you - the walk was helpful.  I like your description of 'the physical release of the past' - and 'accepting the now' - I think I would like to be more in the moment than in the past, and that is therefore a good focus for going forward.

Hi Jazzy,
Thank you - I hope not to be 'stuck in the past' anymore.  I hope to feel more 'liberated' as time goes on.  I can see patches of it here and there now, and I do feel I can approach more of them.

**************
22nd May 2021
I've been getting rid of some more papers from the past, and more photos of the past - I've also spent some relaxation time reading some magazines, although those were more emotive than I realised as many of the magazines had articles about people coping with the pandemic, and the impact of that - and so they were quite 'heavy' emotional articles.  Not necessarily the 'light reading' I had hoped for.  But it was ok.

I had been feeling some 'anger' earlier in the day - as if there was a teenage part of myself alongside me, and expressing those feelings - but I managed to sit alongside them, and was greatful to that part of sharing some of those.  Although they were tough to handle at the same time.

I nearly bought some foods in the shop that would have enabled me to do a bit of binge eating, but thankfully my partner talked me out of it.  I am aware of the impulse to overeat.  I don't want to do that.

Hope 

[Hope67]

24th May 2021
I was triggered by something that happened on the weekend, and it took till late today to finally unblend from some upset parts of myself.  But, I did unblend, and now I'm able to see clearly again - and I am feeling relieved. 

Hope 

[Jazzy]

This sounds very positive, Hope! That's awesome. Good job!

[Armadillo]

Good job Hope! I saw that post and I think it is really ok and good that you stood up for your boundaries even if now that you are unblended it feels like maybe it wasn't as bad as you felt in the moment. It probably was bad enough to rightfully trigger a need for some self protection, and you did that. I'm glad you've been able to unblend now though and feel better about things.

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy & Armadillo,
Thank you both so much 

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27th May 2021

I have found the past days since I last wrote (which I note are a couple of days) as being a bit of a struggle, BUT I am ok!  I have had quite a lot of EF's, and I've also been 'acting out' as well - in various ways, and sometimes I've found that amusing as well as at times distressing.  I've worried about myself and my parts, and how they're all trying to negotiate their way and begin to know each other - tolerate one another, working was a 'team' - like a baseball or basketball or netball team.  But it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  It's quite jumbled and messy at times and I think they're bumping into one another and making mistakes, but it's ok. 

I've been reading a book by Roxane Gay called 'Hunger' and it's really been validating some of my own experiences, as she describes how she finds her way through her life - and she was born a few years after me, but I relate to things she's said.  She writes a memoir of her body.  I find I've been 'hearing it' via my adolescent and younger adult selves and also in my 30's and 40's.  I'm nearly three quarters of the way through it, so I've been reading it quickly.  It's been painful at times to read it, but helpful at the same time. 

I have continued to be hugely impacted by what happened with my in-law.  I have experienced some very young reactions within myself - and some of the solutions I was thinking of to cope were not helpful ones.  I ended up exhausted - I ended up going to bed in the afternoon.  I had migraine kind of pain in the left-side of my head.  I was experiencing whooshing tinnitus experiences - I didn't like it.  BUT sleeping helped. 

I've been experiencing more night terror kind of experiences - nothing major, but they are happening with some regularity the past nights.  My partner tells me about them, as I don't always remember them, but when he tells me what happened, then I do recall them.  Last night there were two in the same night, and I remember the second, and feeling as if I was 'stuck in a loop' where it was repeating itself, and I was terrified .  But they are better than they would have been in the past, as I don't throw myself out of bed anymore, and I don't hurt myself as a result of that.  I am able to go back to sleep again, and I don't worry about them so much.  I know they happen sometimes, and I know that I'll be ok.

I'm not looking forward to the weekend, as it's a Bank holiday weekend, and I am going to be facing my in-laws again, and especially the person I had the difficulty with.  My partner assures me that it should be ok.  I'm not quite so convinced about that!  I don't believe it will be ok.  But I really hope that I don't break down infront of that person again - I felt like my younger attached part came out that day, and cried - and I felt vulnerable that that happened.  I don't want that to happen again.  I want to be strong and cope.  I hope I do.

Part of me was suggesting solutions involving leaving this place, and escaping.  Even dressing up in a wig and taking on another persona completely - bizarre but true.  Maybe I was influenced by a film I'd watched last night.  I had re-watched a film, it was about trauma - I can't remember the name of the film - but the fact is I'd watched it before, but I had no memory of what happened in it - but I knew it was 'my kind of film' - i.e. I would be very interested in the content as it's trauma-related.  Yet, I had no memory of what happened in it.  That's like the part that 'rubs things out' had done that for the content of the film, and now, though I know the film was something I enjoyed, I can't remember it's title and already the contents are disappearing. 

Roxane Gay (who wrote the book 'Hunger') has this quote on the back of her book "I ate and ate and ate in the hopes that if I made myself big, my body would be safe.  I buried the girl I was because she ran into all kinds of trouble.  I tried to erase every memory of her, but she is still there, somewhere..."

That has reminded me of something she wrote in her book, and I need to ask a question in the CSA part of this forum.  I hope I find what she wrote and I hope I manage to ask my question there.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, your determination to keep moving forward, your willingness to step up and be brave for yourself, and your continuing 'hunger' to make a change for yourself are so inspiring.  thanks for sharing all that you go thru.  you are impressive.  love and hugs

[Armadillo]

 

I'll be sending you good wishes for the weekend.