Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2021, 01:17:20 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for sharing that you understand and relate to the feeling of 'I just can't' - that really felt very supportive to me, and validating.  I felt that.  Thank you.  :hug: :hug:

Hi Tee,
Yes, you're right, I do have options and I'll try to do the thing, even though I don't want to, and I'll see how it goes, and maybe I'll be able to stretch and grow through it.  It's not for another couple of weeks, so I have time leading up to it.  Thank you so much for the big hug of encouragement, support and love - sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Marta,
Thank you so much for sending support and love, and here's a hug also for you  :hug:  I appreciate what you said about the difficulty in reading certain things, and also about the coffee jars.    It also was very helpful to hear what you said about not being able to act on your wish to use your paintbrushes to paint or colour in pictures, and I also feel like that. 

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15th January 2021

I felt as if an older more competent part of me was in charge/blended with me for a while in the past couple of days.  That part helped me to consider some self-care kind of things that I needed to do, and I feel better for having done some of those things.  I've also been trying to de-clutter and tidy up, and have made some progress on that. 

I'm trying to motivate myself to begin something - but realising that something holds me back from starting that thing. 

Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2021, 02:43:42 PM »
Sending you my support and love, Hope  :hug: Itís nice that you were able to do some self care, and tidy up things :)
Sounds like you have accomplished a lot  :hug: Hereís some love and care for the end of the week :bighug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2021, 04:56:02 AM »
hey, hope,

i'm really glad for you that you were able to get some of those things done that you wanted to do, and i know the rest will get done when you're ready.  you have time, just the right amount of time that you need.  love and hugs, my dear :hug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2021, 01:53:14 PM »
Hi Marta,
Thank you so much  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you - I appreciate your love and hugs very much  :hug:

**********
16th January 2021

I spent more time allowing my feelings and thoughts to be rather than distracting or doing something else yesterday, and I also resisted the urge to emotionally eat as well.  Hence I was sitting with my feelings more, and I've noticed that when I do my dot-to-dots that I can process thoughts and feelings in a different way - I wonder if it's similar to when people move their eyes doing eye movement desensitization - not exactly the same thing, but just the movement between dots, and joining them up is involving some other brain activity that might be similar in some way.  Anyway, I find it calms me when I do the dot-to-dots.

Interesting that today I feel like there's another part of myself who is blended with me - although not right at this moment, whilst I'm writing this - I'm just reflecting on how it's felt this morning.  It's been like I've got quite a critical impatient part who is annoyed by things, and I'm trying to accommodate and allow that part to stay with me, and not dismiss them or fight them, because I know they mean well.  I'm trying to get to know that part a bit - just in terms of sitting alongside that part, whilst it's blended with me. 

I wonder if that part came and blended with me because I was sitting with my emotions more yesterday and therefore the critical part is needing to be here today, because she thinks that I've come too close to my emotions.

Some of the emotions I felt yesterday were (I'm not good at describing or verbalising them, so might use the wrong words) but they included grief, some anger and some desolation - some regrets, and I felt some shame.

So I felt quite a lot of emotions.  It was ok though, I was able to sit with them, and I felt more curious about things than I would have done in the past, I see it as being something healing, to do this.

I hope that Dollyvee won't mind the fact I was reading some of her journal, and I made a note that said being 'cautious about unleashing something I can't control' - I really related to that, as I've often felt as if sitting with my emotions and thoughts/feelings might end up in my unleashing something that I can't control.  But I feel slightly less sure of that now, and think it might be ok.

Dollyvee also mentioned something that Richard Schwartz had said which was 'when things are released/accessed without going through the proper channels' then things can come out (e.g. medical issues or symptoms) - this made me think of an occasion in the past when I went to see a woman who did some EFT tapping with me, and tried to communicate to my inner conscious - contacting my subconscious and a couple of days later I literally erupted in a very big rash all over my body - and that made me think that was directly to do with the intervention of her 'treatment'.

I have recently read a short book called 'The Simple Guide to Complex Trauma and Dissociation: What it is and how to help" by Betsy de Thierry - it was written really simply and well, and because she was talking about how to help children and young adults, somehow it felt easier for me to comprehend it, and I was thinking about how I could help the different inner parts and younger selves - whilst I was reading the book, it really did feel hopeful.  So I was glad to have read that book, and I hope to re-read it again sometime soon.  I feel sure I'll get more out of it if I read it again.

Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2021, 02:01:24 PM »
Hope, you've written so much here but I just have the wherewithal to comment on one thing, your dot-to-dots. It's a really neat idea of it being like emdr. I have no idea if it really is scientifically, but it does work for you! I'm thinking of when I used to play Patience over and over again. I used to process things while doing it, not on purpose. It just happened. Yay for you that you discover what you need.  :hug: :hug: :)

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dollyvee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2021, 06:16:45 PM »
Hi Hope - I'm glad you've found my journal helpful to your parts. You're welcome to read it anytime  :hug:

That's very interesting about the dot-to-dots. I do sudoku and find it relaxes me on public transport when I have to be around other people. I feel like it focuses my attention and helps calm myself. Like Blueberry mentioned about processing stuff, for me it's a good indicator too if I have "clear thinking," if something emotional is interfering in my thought process and throwing me off then I can begin to look at what it is.

Thank you for mentioning the trauma and dissociation book, I will look for it.

It sounds like you're making progress being able to sit with your parts and listen to them  :hug:


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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2021, 09:55:44 AM »
Hi Blueberry,

Yes, the dot-to-dots are so helpful and calming to me.  I remember you playing Patience - and thank you for commenting on that, as it is likely a similar process - whatever it is, and if it's helpful, that's so great.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you so much, I did find your journal helpful and related to some parts of it.   :hug:

Thanks for mentioning about your sudoku and how you use it when being around other people.  It's good that it is calming, and it does seem like a similar thing to my dot-to-dots and Blueberry's Patience.

**********
17th January 2021

I'm going to copy something I've just hand-written in a book, because I'm not sure if I'll keep the notebook or not, and I want to include what I wrote here in my Journal:

"I feel really flat in mood this morning.  Some thoughts of 'what's the point' are present.  Decided to use this note-book to just express some things.  Reading Cathy Glass's book "A Terrible Secret" yesterday and noticing how the fourteen and a half year old chose to be in care rather than live with her mother and step-father - who demonstrated 'coercive control' - she took the very assertive step to ask for help and they listened to her.

Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

I've just re-read those two paragraphs and I feel the emotion being held in my throat area.  I also feel slightly nauseous as I consider and reflect on that. 

Somehow writing this by hand, it feels like a positive thing to be doing.

"Just be kind to yourself" comes to my mind.  I have a right to live on this earth and be happy in my life.  Just because I grew up in a toxic environment, doesn't mean I have to re-live that legacy.  I can consider and process my feelings and thoughts about it, as and when they surface and I can choose how to live in the present.  I am safe now."

(I'm hoping to keep the notebook going - but I don't know whether I will or not.  I sometimes have thoughts that I should tear things up and hide them, and I have acted on that sometimes).

I was blended with a part that wanted to tear up some things the other day, but thankfully something else stepped in and stopped that happening, and I'm glad, as I would have been upset to have lost the things that would have been destroyed by that action.

I feel a bit better now, so I'm glad that I did that - I felt so flat and some negative thoughts were coming into my consciousness, and I'm glad I wrote things down.

Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2021, 05:08:29 PM »
hey, hope,

interesting about making that connection about your dot to dots and the eye movements.  i believe you may be right.  my t mentioned something similar to me about the video games i play - the back and forth as well as the repetition - i find both of those soothing as well.  i think you may have stumbled onto something deeper than you might have first thought.  well done! :thumbup:

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Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

i totally related to this - the idea of being unaware caused me to live so much of my life in a state of confusion.  i know that's a lot of the reason i made some of the choices i made, and why i felt float-y and ungrounded for so long.   but i completely agree with you that no matter what, we deserve to be here and to have good lives.  love and hugs, hope :hug: :hug:

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mojay

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2021, 12:09:13 AM »
It's been like I've got quite a critical impatient part who is annoyed by things, and I'm trying to accommodate and allow that part to stay with me, and not dismiss them or fight them, because I know they mean well.  I'm trying to get to know that part a bit - just in terms of sitting alongside that part, whilst it's blended with me. 

I wonder if that part came and blended with me because I was sitting with my emotions more yesterday and therefore the critical part is needing to be here today, because she thinks that I've come too close to my emotions.
Hope, thank you so much for sharing this with us. A lot of what you've written really resonated with me, especially the part that I quoted above. I am trying to understand myself as parts according to the IFS theory and have been noticing a critical part of me as well. I like what you have written about sitting alongside that part and that they mean well. It feels very important to me to remind myself that the parts mean well. You write with such wisdom about the parts of yourself  :applause:

Really great job of sitting with your emotions and feeling curious, I agree with you that it is a healing step!!

Whereas I seemed 'blind' or 'unaware' of so many things that I was living with, that weren't right.  But I didn't know any different, I was a very young child and and even when older, I just felt like I had to cope with and handle everything.

"Just be kind to yourself" comes to my mind.  I have a right to live on this earth and be happy in my life.  Just because I grew up in a toxic environment, doesn't mean I have to re-live that legacy.  I can consider and process my feelings and thoughts about it, as and when they surface and I can choose how to live in the present.  I am safe now."

I really like these affirmations! I agree with you and Sanmagic that we deserve to be here and deserve to have good lives. Feeling very safe/seen and more positive after reading your journal, thank you for writing  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2021, 03:14:25 PM »
Hi SanMagic,

Thanks for what you said about the dot-to-dots, and also about the video games you play - yes, the back and forth and repetition, definitely something I find soothing too. 

I agree with you that we deserve to be here and live good lives.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, I appreciate them and hug you back  :hug: :hug:

Hi Mojay,

I'm glad that some of what I wrote resonated with you, and thank you for sharing that it did, as I felt humbled that you thought that I wrote with wisdom.  I often feel as if I really don't know what I'm doing, and to hear someone say they thought I was wise, it is nice.

Yes, I think we do deserve to be here and live good lives, and I am so glad to hear you felt some sense of safety and positivity - I enjoy that feeling when I can find it, and I do get moments when I can feel it.  I am so grateful for those, and they give me hope to look for more, and to feel more.

Thanks for all you  wrote, and I'd like to extend a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

**********
20th January 2021

I have felt quite 'raw' today - in that I have been feeling triggered by a lot of things, through different points in the day.  I've been dealing with some busy moments, and there were times in the morning when I felt like crying, but I also contained those feelings, as circumstances weren't right for me to express that at the time.

I remember hearing a man talking on the morning news about how a nurse had cried about her experiences with Covid - and it was very emotional and he spoke about how she hadn't been able to talk to anyone about her feelings about death and all the things she was dealing with, and therefore when someone had asked her for the news presentation she had expressed the emotion.

I realise it's a completely different situation, but I related so much to what the man had said, and it made sense of the fact that I had never been able to talk about things that happened in my childhood, to anyone, as there was no one who had been safe enough or willing to hear or see my experiences.  So on the few occasions when I've started to voice my feelings out loud, then a lot of emotion has come out too. 

TW - Mentioning accidental cutting of myself
I was upset yesterday as I did some self-care and used a new razor for removing some body hair, and because of my inability to feel physical things properly, and also because the razor was a bit severe, I ended up unexpectedly cutting myself.  I was however very shocked by that, because it was like I felt depersonalised from myself, and worried that I could have hurt myself unintentionally.  Then I was very upset, and my emotion came out in tears.  I was with my partner at the time, and I spoke to him about feeling upset, and instead of pushing the emotion down, like I might have done in the past, I allowed it to 'be' and his response was kind and containing, and so it was ok.  I felt better later.

Today I've been feeling more things. 

Right at this moment, I feel more present in myself, as if my Self is here, which feels safer and more containing.

There was a conference which has Richard Swartz speaking at it - about compassion and mindfulness - and I put the link in the conferences section - but a link is here too:
https://www.compassionintherapy.com/
It's due to start on 30th January, which should be good.


Hope  :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2021, 11:12:52 PM »
hope, as difficult as it may be to start feeling more emotions (i completely relate to that), i do think it's a good sign, a sign of healing, of making new neural connections, and of becoming more human.  this area has bothered me for so much of my life, and i, too, am getting to a point where i'm able to not only feel more emotions, i'm also having an easier time of being able to verbalize what they are.  not always, but more than before.  in my case, i think there was a neural disconnect in my brain from very young, so i walked thru a lot of my life confused, feeling a disturbance that i wasn't able to name, and it led to my own sense of depersonalization.

cutting yourself accidently, in this case, it sounds like it was purely an accident.  so very happy for you that you have a caring, accepting partner thru all this.  i don't doubt that dynamic has allowed you to break thru some of the roadblocks you've encountered on your way to continual healing.  all in all, well done! :thumbup:  love and hugs always, my dear :hug:

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dollyvee

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #26 on: January 22, 2021, 10:46:31 AM »
Sounds like you're making good progress Hope :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #27 on: January 22, 2021, 11:02:32 PM »
Even though feeling more may be difficult, it does seem positive to me that you are more in touch with what you are feeling at times.

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2021, 10:16:50 AM »
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on feeling and verbalizing emotions, it's helpful to hear that.  Making new neural connections, that sounds good.  Becoming more human, I like that too.

I also think you're right about what you said about my partner.  I feel sure that without that dynamic I wouldn't have been able to negotiate some of the roadblocks.   

Sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,

Thank you so much, I appreciate you saying that, and thank you for the hug - sending one also to you  :hug:

Hi Notalone,

Thank you  for validating that, I feel it's a positive thing that I'm feeling more at times.   :hug:

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28th January 2021

I've felt as if I've not been able to pause much to reflect on things in the past few days, it's felt like the days have gone by in a blur.  There are reasons for that, as I've been changing some of my routines, and doing some things I wouldn't normally do, and that's taken a bit of adjustment.  I've had quite a few flashbacks from different parts of me - different times that were previously forgotten/blocked out - but they're surfacing now.  I do want to write about some of those things, but I need to feel that my parts will allow me to do so, as I feel quite overwhelmed when I try to think of how to express some things.  So I'm just standing back for a bit, till that time feels right to try to express things.

Maybe I'll do it in 'letters to' or some other way - but I do want to write those things here in the forum, as that's my 'safe space' rather than writing it in books or files at home. 

Hope  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2021, 10:26:27 AM »
Wanted to write myself a couple of notes, that I hope to follow-up on:

* I wanted to find the thread where Oceanstar asked me how I'm getting on with befriending my parts, so I could reply

* I wanted to find the thread where I had written something and then Woodsgnome and Rainydiary had made some replies there, and I wanted to read those and also reply

I find that parts tend to stop me from sometimes negotiating my way around the forum, or prevent me finding things.  I don't know if it's a conscious thing, on behalf of the parts, or whether it's just that my brain goes off-line a bit, and I can't process or work things out.  But I know it happens.

I'm not sure if I'll find those threads, but I want to write that I hope to do those things.

Hope  :)