Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

Started by Hope67, January 06, 2021, 01:23:29 PM

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Hope67

Hi SanMagic & Armadillo,
Thank you both.   :hug: :hug:

***********
2nd June 2021
A lot has been going on for me.  Many EF's and I've been in situations where I've been massively hyperaroused, and also hypoaroused - and therefore not in my window of tolerance.

I am trying to avoid triggers - having realised I have been stuck in some ruminating cycles.  I'm considering taking a break from technology for a while, which is something that I've done in the past, and find it is helpful to me.  So I think I might do that for a while, but I might still come here to read within the forum, but I don't know if I will also stop that for a while too - can't decide what to do for the best. 

I managed to cope on the weekend, but it was really challenging for me. 

Hope  :)

Armadillo

Finding ways to take care of yourself and reduce triggers is fantastic Hope.

Jazzy

Glad to hear you're coping, and I hope it gets easier for you soon!

If taking a break from technology is helpful for you, it sounds like a good idea to me. Even though I'll miss you, I would rather you be healthier and happier, even if it means you're not posting here.

I've found that being outside is really helpful for me now, though it wasn't always. Just an idea for you to consider along with your techno-break.

:hug: all the best to you Hope, take care. :)

rainydiary

Thinking of you Hope.  EFs and managing triggers are challenges.  I hope you find some rest and ease. 

Blueberry


Hope67

Dear Armadillo, Jazzy, Rainydiary & Blueberry,
Thank you all for what you said, and hugs to you all  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

************
10th June 2021
I am feeling very emotional this morning.  Such a mixture of emotions.  I'm feeling many of them too, and not dissociating from the feelings.  So that's different for me, and it's ok.

Lots of things have been going on for me in my life this past few weeks.  I'm making some changes in my life, and sorting some things out.  But it's been hard to do that. 

I only partially managed to take a break from technology this time, as I must admit that I found it helpful to come here and just read things now and then - and especially I went into the other forum 'Out of the Fog' in the past couple of days, because I had needed to read things about contact from PD people in my family, and it was refreshing to read some posts there, which made me feel less confused, and I wanted to write a couple of notes here, to remind me of topics that were helpful:

There was a post about how living in a narcissistic family environment was much like living in a cult
I related to that a lot.

Potential trigger warning, not sure what I am going to write - but mentioning Narcisstic abuse

I also read some posts where the Narcisstic person would just send abusive communciations.  I had such a communication recently - it sent me reeling, but I felt some anger too.  That is good for me to notice that I was able to feel anger about it, as often I think that things are my fault, and I feel like my subservient part who is very submissive just feels as if she is burdened, but I had a more angry defensive reaction, and thought 'No, this is not something I should feel I need to take'.

Interesting, as I write this, I feel less emotional. 

Anyway, something that helped me in the night was imagining that we are all boats in a sea, and that when one of us gets into difficulties, that the other boats around us can see our distress, and they send out help in the form of an anchor, or they change position to shield the struggling boat from harm.  I imagined that all of us here in Out of the Storm were in those boats, and helping one another.  It was just something that helped me at a certain point in the night.

I've also noticed that I get tinnitus really badly when I'm stressed.  So I'm trying to do things to de-stress and stay in a window of tolerance that is neither hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused.  Sometimes, I'm better at it than other times.    My tinnitus is bad today though.

I am so grateful that these support forums are here. 

I did share the contents of the communication that caused me distress with a friend of mine, and she said it was abusive.  That the whole content of it was abusive.  That was validating to hear someone say that so clearly.  I needed to hear that said by someone whose perspective I value.  I was grateful to have a friend I could share that with, and who was supportive.  My partner also, who is my main support, has been completely supportive and was shocked at the contents of the communication.  I am also shocked.  But at the same time, not surprised.

Anyway, I wrote more than I thought I would today, and I think my parts are ok that I've shared these things here.

Hope  :)

rainydiary

Hope, I appreciate you sharing.  I find the OOTF forum helpful too.  I love the image of the boats.  I am with you on the journey of feeling emotions and seeing communications for what they are. 

Armadillo

 :hug:

I adore what you said about the boats. It does feel like that.

I am super proud too to read that anger spoke up for you after the abusive email from your FOO. And that your emotions are coming through too. I bet it feels really powerful!

And I know it isn't easy to seek support and understanding from people around us and you did that with your friend and spouse!   :cheer:

Hope67

Thank you Rainydiary & Armadillo  :hug: :hug:

Hope67

13th June 2021

I have had so many emotions regarding the communication I had from my NM, and I was thankful to find this article, that I read and which helped me yesterday:

It's called '11 signs you have an emotionally abusive mother' - and I wanted to keep it here in my journal, so I can re-read it if I need to.

https://www.regain.us/advice/parenting/11-signs-you-have-an-emotionally-abusive-mother/

What it helped me do was 'feel some anger' about the communication that she'd sent me.  A friend of mine (whom I shared the contents with) said that it was entirely abusive, and there was just so much and indeed so many issues that she brought up.  Each one hurt me - but I hadn't really felt anger till last night, and actually it helpful to me to feel that.

I realise that this recent contact from her has made me feel ill in some ways.  But I am hoping that I can maintain some equilibrium and get through this.  Negotiate my way forwards. 

I have some parts that internally criticise me and tell me that I'm a 'bad daughter', and I feel societal expectations - or at least my perceptions that society and other people won't understand.  Afterall, I've tried to protect my dysfunctional family by not talking about what was happening, and portraying a coping face to the world, so how could they understand???  I've hidden it from others, and in many respects I've hidden it from myself, as I recognise fragmented parts of myself are holding different thoughts and feelings about it.

I don't know what my relative is likely to do, as she seems to be aggressive and attacking in her words.  I am fearful in some respects, but I have to tell myself that I'm safe.  But of course it doesn't feel so safe. 

Difficult.

Hope  :)

rainydiary

Hope, this reflection really resonates with me as I navigate my relationship to my family.  I appreciate you bringing up the point about how we present a certain image of ourselves and our family to others especially by not naming what is really happening.  I too am working my way through my version of this and trying to not criticize myself based on societal expectations.  I wish you well each step you make. 

sanmagic7

hope, i think protecting our abusers is something many of us do.  i also think it could come from a place of our own feelings of being bad, being wrong, somehow not being ok as we are.  whatever the reason, your newfound ability to get mad, to speak your truth about them, and to find some comfort here on the forum are all signs, to me, of the amount of growth you've accomplished in your own recovery.  bad daughter?  nope, not for a moment.  a healthier you?  yes, by all means. :yes:

i'm so glad you find the support you need here, my dear.  i feel the same way.  keep on truckin', hope.  sending love and a hug filled with an antidote to self-doubt. :hug:

Armadillo

Hope  :hug:

Anger is good and appropriate in this situation and I am proud of you for feeling it. I wish you did not have to feel fearful of this person's behavior and I hope you are safe.

Thank you for sharing this article. It made a tear roll down my cheek.

Not Alone

Quote from: Hope67 on June 13, 2021, 11:40:05 AM
I have some parts that internally criticise me and tell me that I'm a 'bad daughter', and I feel societal expectations - or at least my perceptions that society and other people won't understand.  Afterall, I've tried to protect my dysfunctional family by not talking about what was happening, and portraying a coping face to the world, so how could they understand???  I've hidden it from others, and in many respects I've hidden it from myself, as I recognise fragmented parts of myself are holding different thoughts and feelings about it.

I agree with what San said, "Bad daughter? Nope, not for a moment. A healthier you? Yes, by all means."

Part of survival seems to be putting on a mask, and looking like everything is okay. It gets confusing. In my case, I was so fragmented that for parts of me that seemed true. Also, others see a very different picture of reality. I know that adds to my own confusion.
:hug:

Hope67

18th June 2021
I am in tears now.  I started off feeling as if I was ok.  I was replying to some people's journals, and I realise I'm not able to really cope with the emotions that are coming up.  I know it's been a lot this last few days, and I've felt really unwell in myself.  I did read the things you wrote here in my journal, and I want to thank you all for writing, I wanted to do that individually and by name, but I'm too upset to focus myself.

I can write though, and as I write, the tears are stopping, and I just have the wet cheeks.  I'll go and blow my nose.

OK, back again.  I think I just need to write out whatever comes out just now, and leave it there...  I'll try not to worry too much about 'what' I write.

So, the last few days, I've felt awful - I can't put into words how it was, but it was tough to get through the days.  My brain is shutting down, as I write this, I can't continue.  There's a part of me that doesn't want me to write about it.

I'll have to stop and see if I can continue later in the day, or another day.

Hope  :)