Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you taking the chance and time to reflect here.  I learn from what you share and feel connection with you and others for a shared understanding I don't have to explain fully.   

[Bach]

 

[Hope67]

Dear Armee, SanMagic, BeeKeeper, Rainydiary and Bach,
Thank you so  much for what each of you wrote.  I won't say more than that, as I'm feeling a bit full of emotions at the moment, but I do appreciate you all.   
Hope 

****************
17th September 2021
I feel very emotional just now.  I know what it is that made me feel that way - it was mainly that I am triggered by endings, transitions, things like that, and I had wanted to say more to someone about their own ending/transition, but it evoked too much emotion within myself.  It chokes me up in my throat, and it brings prickles of tears. 

I haven't been able to write anything here for a few days, even though I've been coming here and reading what others have been writing and saying.  I've felt a bit like an outsider watching others, and that makes me think I've probably been feeling a bit dissociated and as if I'm an alien and not a real human person. 

I know there are some triggering things in this month for me.  I wish I was more open in this forum about things I'm encountering, but I worry that if I'm specific about things, that somehow I'll be traced by someone - I've noticed that there's been more searches on my profiles - Linked in mentions when people are searched, and I seem to get a few searches each week, and I'm convinced that it's the same person just looking at my profile.  I think that makes me feel a bit paranoid.

Actually I'm surprised that I'm ending up writing this now, I didn't anticipate what I would write.  I'm just glad to be writing here.

I'm going to hope to get back to using Janina Fisher's framework to tackle my issues.  Hers has been the main driver for some progress, and I know I've been focusing on that way for at least a couple of years now, if not more, but I need to do it more intensively and consistently, and so that's my hope.

I re-read the communication that my M had sent me, and it was really upsetting to read it.  She was so accusatory, and cruel in it.  Her words hurt.  Part of me wants to tear it up, but I can't do that, as I feel I need the reality and the substance of realising how cruel she can be with her words.  I am thankful that I didn't respond to her, and that I maintained my estrangement.  I think that was the wise thing to have done.  I'm glad I was able to be strong and do that.

I took all my books back to the library.  Normally I'd get more out, but this time, I decided to leave without any - somehow nothing drew me, and I felt like I should return home without anything to read. 

I've just sat for a few minutes, and not been able to write more, but my emotions seem to have left me, and I don't feel anything right now. That's ok.  I think they walk out of the door sometimes, and just leave me with no feelings at all.  It's ok.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

I am thankful that I didn't respond to her, and that I maintained my estrangement.  I think that was the wise thing to have done.  I'm glad I was able to be strong and do that.

Excellent choice and one of the hardest to do. 

I understand your concern about being tracked. It's a fine line to tread,

Congrats on your ability to return books, but not take new ones out. I do that about 3 times a year and it's always refreshing.

Thanks for bringing up the concepts of endings and transitions. I never put words like that to them, and it may help to do so. It might help me to see the "big picture" because I get lost in details.

Take care of yourself.

[Armee]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop & Armee - thank you for the hugs, I appreciate them.   

Hi BeeKeeper,
Thank you for what you said, and for the hug    Regarding the decision not to take out books from the library, it's unusual for me to do that, and I must say that I felt 'free' and 'lighter' for coming away without any.  Interesting to hear that you do that about three times a year.  Good to hear you find it refreshing.  That's a nice feeling.

Yes, I think that endings and transitions are things that have always triggered me, and originally I thought of them as being related to abandonment, but nowadays I think there are probably other things involved too.  Not sure what exactly, but it feels very dense and loaded with emotive stuff.

************
18th September 2021
I found these notes in a paper diary I have, and wanted to copy them here - I am uncertain of the source, except that I think it's probably Janina Fisher, as it sounds a lot like things she'd say:

"Notice who's triggered today. 
Hyperarousal? or Hypoarousal? 
Window of tolerance
The parts are triggered.
This is just triggering
Being curious.
Having awareness
Notice what triggered the parts.
Slowing the pace.
Sighing
Lengthening the spine
Hand over the heart (physical gesture)
Grounding with the feet
Clenching/relaxing
Standing or moving.
10% solutions - they all add up.
Ability to observe, gets the pre-frontal cortex back online."

Hope 

[Hope67]

23rd September 2021
I feel like I'm in a frozen lymbo kind of phase this morning.  I've been considering what to do, and making no decisions.  There's a sad part with me, and I wonder if I'm blended.  I'm fixated on how I've spelled 'lymbo' maybe it should be limbo.  That looks better.

I have been facing quite a few stressful things in past weeks, and I've been pleased with how I've coped. 

I haven't been reading any books in recent days either - as I didn't bring any back from the library, and I don't feel like re-reading anything that I already have.  I think that 'No Bad Parts' is going to arrive in the next few days, so maybe I'll be reading that soon. 

TW: Mentioning CSA in next paragraph, but nothing graphic
I had a very disturbing dream the night before last - it featured CSA.  I know that the trigger had been an interaction I'd had with a person where I had felt a power differential, and there had been aspects of that person that had reminded me of someone.  Then in the dream, I kept hearing the words 'Pockets of Memory' and those words were repeated a lot.  I also experienced memories that I hadn't realised had happened, and wondered whether they could have happened or not, and the feeling of fear that I wasn't in control of anything, and especially of my memory.  I did tell my partner the next day about the dream, and also about the interaction that had triggered it.   It was a good thing to talk about it.  It felt ok to do that.

I'm not sure how to shift myself to engage in something this morning.  I am feeling frozen and in limbo.  There, I've said it again. 

There's part of me that feels like I want to cry.  But my partner is also in this room, as I write these words, so I don't want to allow myself to cry just now.

I know there are lots of things I think I need to do today, but getting energy to tackle them, I'm not sure that's going to happen.  I'll make a cup of tea instead. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I've been aware that things have been difficult for you the past few weeks so I finally want to send you some support and 

Making a cup of tea sounds like a good step to me, I mean it's something I might just go and do too. And then see if that gives me any energy for those 'lots of things' I think I ought to be doing today too. A long-winded way of saying we seem to be in a similar boat today. I've forgotten the exact word I need.

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing.  I was especially touched by the mention of noticing power differentials.  I am grateful for you saying that as that is something I deal with a lot and I have not named it like that before.  I hope you find steps where you are seeking to go. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I read what you wrote yesterday, and it really helped me - as I felt less alone with my feelings, so thank you.  I hoped that your cup of tea helped you.  Mine was helpful in that it caused me to action things, and start to do things.  Thanks also for the support and hugs 

Hi Rainydiary,
Thank you - yes, power differentials was definitely a large part of why my interaction had felt difficult.  Sorry that you have to deal with that a lot.  Yes, I did make some steps forward yesterday, and managed to accomplish some things in the end, so I was pleased about that. 

***********
24th September 2021
A new day, and I am excited that the 'No Bad Parts' book arrived yesterday, so I'll be hoping to read it - probably start it on the weekend sometime.  I know that IFS is different to Janina Fisher's approach - hers is called TIST - which stands for Trauma Informed ... not sure what the second S stands for or the final T...  IFS is Internal Family Systems, I think.  Anyway, I know they're different approaches, but have some similarities, and I like elements of each of them, but I think I prefer Janina's.  However, I really want to read the 'No Bad Parts' book - as I feel it will be helpful to me. 

Maybe the second S is Stabilisation and the final T is Therapy?  I need to check it - so writing TIST as a reminder.

Emotions today?  I think I feel vulnerable.  That's different to yesterday, when I felt frozen in a limbo. 

When I made that cup of tea yesterday, I remember that a thing that helped me, was to put my arms round my body in a hug, and tell my inner parts that they were safe and I was making us all a cup of tea.  Somehow that physical hug and those comforting words were heard and felt within, and I felt parts of myself respond and feel some relief/comfort from it.  So that's something I'll try to do more, when I feel it's needed.

Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Hope,

You mentioned hearing words in your dream and you're the first person that's ever said that. I have a phrase that came to me in a dream, that I've remembered for 25 years. Powerful stuff. Before your post, I thought I was the only one.

I too like the term "power differentials", its very accurate and something that goes unnoticed a lot of the time.

Whether in limbo or vulnerability, I learn from your posts.

[Armee]

 

Your sweet gesture and words to your parts about making tea brought (good) tears to my eyes.

[rainydiary]

Hope, giving myself hugs has become so powerful and I am glad to know I am not the only one that does this. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, if i could, i would embrace you and your parts in a caring, gentle hug as well.  here's the best i can do at the moment.    i love the idea that you did that for all of you - i've done the same for myself and it really can make a difference.  so glad it was pos. for you.

when i read about your fears of being tracked, how someone is stalking your profile, i felt a profound sadness for you.  honestly, i just hate that someone is doing that to you.  i think it's cowardly and it disgusts me that someone would continue to intimidate you like that.  terrible!  you don't deserve it at all.  and now i feel a lot of anger toward whoever is doing it to you.   

i think you're doing so well, moving forward, coping more easily with incidents as they appear.  keep up the good work, my dear!  sending love and a hug filled with care and comfort.