Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper - Yes, I definitely have heard words in my dreams, it happens a lot to me.  I thought it happened to most people.  I hear part of myself at night that often says 'I'm so scared' 'I'm really scared' and that pulls at my heart, because I know that small part of myself is very scared, and I want to protect her.  I am thankful that I no longer blend with her, but am curious about her experience and want to know more about it.  Interesting that as I write that, I feel as if another part of me has written that, because somehow it sounds too emotionally separated from the experience.  Anyway, I'll keep writing anyway.  You heard a phrase in your dream that stayed with you for many years, that sounds like a very profound experience.  I am really grateful for the opportunity to talk about things here, in this forum, and share experiences in that way. 

Hi Armee - I am so glad that you had good tears, I feel that can be a nice thing to happen. 

Hi Rainydiary - thank you for sharing the fact that you also hug yourself, and find it helpful - I really have found it helps me a lot.  I've begun to make contact with different parts of myself by touching different parts of my body, where I feel they are manifested - I tend to touch my neck as one area, my heart area as another, my tummy as another and sometimes the top of my head.  Just making that contact and thinking of them, I feel as if they hear me and interact with me.  The hug I do tends to be around my body, crossing my arms, and it seems to help.

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for the hugs, I really appreciate them.  Thank you also for what you said about the tracking of my profile.  I realise it's not something I can definitely know is happening, as I don't have proof of it, and of course I don't know for sure who it is, so in some ways it feels a bit paranoid of me to consider it,  but I am not letting it affect me too much at the moment, as I feel like I'm safe, and that they can't actually get to me.  This is good, and definitely an improvement on how I would have felt previously, as there were times when I was reluctant to go out - for fear of being seen by someone.  So I know I've improved.

************
29th September 2021

I can't believe that it's nearly the end of September already.  I'm glad to have got through this month, as it had a difficult thing in the middle of it, that was tough to negotiate my way through.  It's in the past now though.  I have managed to cope with quite a lot of unexpected things in this month, and it's not been easy, but I am making my way through things, and I've coped with many more things than I thought I would!  So I'm actually going to congratulate myself on that   

Today was quite tough, as I felt as if I had different parts with me that were 'there' but weren't really communicating with me, and I just felt them as tensions and feelings alongside me, and I kept trying to communicate with them, from time to time, and help them to feel that I cared about them, but I wasn't sure if I was reaching them.  I tried cuddling a couple of my soft cuddly things (not going to say what they are, but they are animals and quite cute) and one is smaller and I feel like a very young part of myself likes that one, and the larger one is new, and I'm not sure which part of me likes that, or connects to it, but I like it.

I feel a bit embarrassed mentioning those things, but I'm trying to just be open about more things. 

I still feel cagey though.  Contrasting sides I guess. 

I read Richard Schwartz's book 'No Bad Parts' over the weekend.  I finished the entire book.  I thought it was an interesting book, and I'm glad I read it, but I still prefer Janina Fisher's work in preference, but I think there are some things that Richard said which I will try to include in what I'm doing, but I'm following Janina - I'm happy to be reminded that there's a course by her tomorrow - I think it's 7.30pm BST to 9pm BST, and I hope to watch it and maybe take some notes.  I hope to share my notes, if I do manage to do that.  I put a link to her course on the resources section of this forum.  I think it should be really good.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciated you sharing that some parts might be there but not communicating with you.  This resonates with me and helps me think about my experience.  I would say that happens to me and now I have a way to process my experience.  Thank you!

[sanmagic7]

hope, you continue to surpass yourself, and it's an inspiration.  for so long you seemed very hesitant to be personal in what you wrote, both here and in others' journals, and i give you all kinds of credit for allowing that openness for yourself now.  i think it's wonderful you can get comfort from your little stuffies (it's not something i experience).  thank you for sharing.   

i don't think you're paranoid, either, about the possibility of someone tracking your profile.  my experience has been that if you feel it in your gut, it's probably exactly what you think it is.  i'm just glad you're keeping yourself as safe as you can, just in case.  better to err on the side of caution, in my opinion.  love and hugs, my dear. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Thanks, 

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you 

**************
1st October 2021
Came here, and now I don't know what to say.  But that's ok.
Hope 

[Armee]

Hi, Hope. I always like it when you are here even when you can't say much. Thank you for reading and being so thoughtful in your words to all of us and for sharing what you learned at the webinar. What you wrote about writing things down definitely felt right and I've learned a lot from you.

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
Thank you so much.   
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

I'm with you here.

I still prefer Janina Fisher's work

Thank you again for mentioning her books, work and various media on YouTube. It's really broken through my last resistance and I've embraced it fully. (repeat, repeat, repeat!)

[Hope67]

Hi BeeKeeper,
Yes, I really appreciate Janina Fisher's work too.  I noticed in your journal that you'd taken her book back to the library, and I was concerned, thinking that you could keep it out longer, renew it.  I hope you were able to read all that you wanted and that you found it helpful.  I have re-read that book about three times now, and each time I get more out of it.
Hope 

[Hope67]

5th October 2021
I feel really incredibly tired - not only mentally but physically - my eyelids feel excessively heavy and I have tensions in my arms too.  I've had a lot of things that have been worrying me, and also my partner, and we've both talked to each other about these stressors.  He told me that at night I've been quite distressed and saying out loud 'It's all too much, it's too much' and similar words to that.  I didn't realise I'd been doing that.  I felt sorry that he had to deal with that. 

We have both had to deal with some people where there's a power differential, and it feels challenging, and we're trying to negotiate our way through that.

I've been thinking about the fact that my F has died in the past few months, and yet parts of me don't really acknowledge that he has actually died.  It's like I suddenly have to think that yes, he has died, but because I've been estranged for so many years, the reality of that hasn't sunk in - the reality of it isn't there.  My sister believes in the afterlife and spirits, and I know that her views are such that she communicates with people who have passed over.  I mention her, because during the time I communicated with her, I learned more about her thoughts and feelings about things.  I don't really know what I think about death, or whether I believe in anything after that.  I don't think I do.  But maybe parts of me do.  That's the thing, it's difficult to really know what I think and feel about things, as I feel there are different viewpoints and thoughts from different parts of myself.

Over the weekend, I felt like I was in a really long series of EF's - there was a melancholic depressed kind of feel to how I felt - but also anger.  Actually I remember last night, in my bed, feeling as if I really wanted to hit out and be angry, and it felt very strong as a feeling.  I just remembered that now, as I write about this.

Whilst I write this, there's part of me that feels upset, and my right arm really hurts - that's the tension kind of feeling, as if my body is tensing up for some kind of attack or battle.  It's like an 'armouring' kind of feeling.  I need to try to relax and get rid of the pain, but maybe I should just feel through it, and maybe it'll dissipate. 

Hopefully it will.  I have to go now.
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing this.  So much of what you wrote resonated with me and now I'm not sure how put into words what stood out.  I am thinking of you as you navigate being tired, the stress, and the sensations in your body. 

[Armee]

I am wishing for the exhaustion and the feeling of it being too much softens soon for you, Hope. I relate so much to everything you wrote...the feeling of hitting out in anger even though it feels separate...this happens to me often...it's been a lot of punching feeling lately but more often it's kicking in bed. And i especially relate to not knowing what you think because there are different parts that feel different things. I'm going to try to post a comic I drew today for my T in my journal that feels a lot like that.

It's hard for death to feel real when you aren't present for it.

[sanmagic7]

i like what armee said about the difficulty of death to feel real when you haven't been involved in the life of the person. 

i, too, can relate to the bodily sensations, the tension, the fatigue, the soreness.  i think, at least for me, it's my body speaking to me about things i may not be quite aware of on a conscious level.  still, they're there, and will make their way out, i'm sure, when we're ready to face them.  with all the work you've been doing, the idea of 'it's too much' sounds just about right.  is there a chance you can take a little break from the work, just relax and play a little, visit the porch for a day?  don't know if that might help, just a thought.

sending you love, dear hope, and a hug filled with peace.

[Not Alone]

  Sending care to you, Hope.

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

I feel your melancholy and anger. Listening to your sister's perspective might have inflamed that a bit, I don't know. For me, it would have. When I am a captive audience for people's "rightness" about their beliefs, I find it exhausting. First to hide my shock and questioning "would they really think that"? Next, presenting a neutral face or stopping myself from countering their arguments. All in all, yeah, definitely difficult so your reactions protect you from it all.

I was estranged before my M's death, and despite the reasons being rational and safety oriented, the repercussions still came. One thing I've learned now is that death doesn't change things in ways we might have expected. The memories and feelings are embedded in ourselves. We process it when we're able. The most important concept right now is that you honor yourself and treat yourself with respect for all your choices.

I noticed you wrote about me returning Janina Fisher's book. I had to because there were no more renewals! And it was from another library so that complicated matters. I agree that by reading multiple times, each time gives us something more. When I first started the book, I couldn't read more than 2 pages without needing distance. FYI, your tip for the Anderson Fisher program was great; I got the handouts which answered many questions about her research sources. Plus it was fun to watch Frank Anderson, so animated and cute!

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary - thank you so much for thinking of me, and for saying what you said.  I really appreciated it.  I wasn't able to write in the past few days, but I read what you wrote, and it helped me.   

Hi Armee - thank you for sharing your feelings of wanting to hit out physically, and relating to what I wrote - it was helpful to hear that.  I felt less alone with it.  I felt validated by that.   

Hi SanMagic - I think you're right about the body speaking at a sub-conscious level.  I am grateful to mine for the fact it does communicate with me, and I am also pleased that I am able to try to listen to the communications now, whereas in the past I would have tried to distract or numb myself from feeling anything.  What you and Armee said about death made sense too.    SanMagic, I think I should have relaxed more, but I was caught up in wanting to process more, and so I threw myself into reading a couple of quite heavy things, but now that I have finished those books, I feel like I will try to take a bit of a rest from more heavy literature.  Thank you for suggesting a rest, it's a good suggestion.   

Hi Notalone - Thank you so much   

Hi BeeKeeper - I really felt your validation when you mentioned that you feel 'melancholy and anger' - I also relate to what you said about finding it exhausting to listen to someone's 'rightness' about their beliefs.    Thank you also for sharing that you were estranged before your M's death, and how the repercussions still came.  I definitely feel that death doesn't necessarily change things, and I agree about what you said about memories and feelings being embedded in ourselves.  I will do my best to treat myself with respect for my choices. 

BeeKeeper - I am sorry that you weren't able to renew Janina's book, but maybe some other time, you and the book will be reunited, and you'll enjoy a further re-read.  I am so glad to hear that you enjoyed watching the program with her and Frank Anderson.   

I also wanted to add that I hope you're ok, as I think you're a 'Guest' now rather than a full member in the forum?  You don't need to explain that, I just wanted to say that I noticed, and I hope you're ok. 

************
16th October 2021

I found it really difficult to come here and write anything in the past few days.  I had read a biography of Kurt Cobain called 'Heavier than Heaven' and it impacted on me heavily - I felt a lot of grief as a result of reading that book.  I was glad I read it, but it was really upsetting at the same time.  It seemed to reach parts of myself more than other literature has done.  I know I have big triggers around endings, so the fact that I knew that Kurt's life would end when he was 27 years old, I knew that the ending would approach as the book progressed, and it was tough for me to face that. 

I subsequently read Alan Davies' autobiography, and that was also upsetting to read - but I was again, glad to have read it.  I related to so much of what he wrote, and was especially grateful to him for writing about everything. 

I came much closer to feeling anger and upset, and also feeling grief.  I think it was good for me to feel those emotions. 

This weekend I'm hoping to do more restful things. 

Hope