Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[sanmagic7]

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I've just caught up on the last few pages of your journal and wanted to echo what sanmagic said - you seem effervescent! It's lovely to hear you write about the things that are happening and your reflections on them both good and bad. Just wanted to send a hug 

ps I will look at the Alan Davies biography. I find QI really calming and my heart goes out to him.

dolly

[Larry]

Hi Hope,  have a nice day !

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic  thank you so much 

Hi dollyvee - really great to hear from you again, I missed you!  Thanks for what you said, I appreciate it.  I also appreciate the hug, and send one to you as well    My heart also goes out to Alan Davies, and I was glad to have read his biography.

Hi Larry  thank you so much for wishing me a nice day.  I know that you're having your therapy session this week - tomorrow, I think, so I hope it goes well.  Wishing you the best with it. 

***********
21st October 2021
Today has felt like a longer day than normal, mainly due to feeling quite a lot of blending with parts of myself that feel 'alone, abandoned' (those kind of feelings).  The reality was that I was alone today for long stretches of time, and I am alone this evening too.  I'm coping ok though. 

I had a situation yesterday where I felt some rejection, like I'd been dismissed without being listened to, even though I'd attempted to communicate my feelings about something, and yet it seemed as if I was ignored, not heard, not seen, not responded to.  Then someone's action caused me to feel as if I'd been overlooked, and that compounded my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  But I recognise that maybe the person didn't even know that I had attempted to communicate - it's possible they didn't realise. 

(Been sitting here a while, with no thoughts in my head)

I watched a Netflix series called 'Maid' and found it really good - brought up some feelings and emotions about different things. 

(Feeling very emotional now - because I know there are things I want to write more about, but don't feel like I'm brave enough to open up and write them - maybe I can do so sometime, but I fear that parts of myself won't like it if I open up more - it's frustrating to feel that, but I do honour their feelings, and consider it). 

(Emotion seems to have gone again - left with blank feelings)

Anyway, I'm glad I wrote something, as I wanted to touch base here. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,  to you and all your Parts.
Feeling alone, abandoned, rejected and dismissed is so, so painful. Lots of care and compassion for you, Hope.

[Armee]

Hi Hope. I'm glad you wrote here. 

I watched the Maid too, one episode and it put me in a funk. But it was good and I'll watch more.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope, that was lovely to hear 

It seems like a really positive and big thing to see that it wasn't us and that maybe they didn't hear etc. I struggle with this a lot and it's almost like second nature to take it on sometimes, and to even have the space in the first place that it wasn't me or about me.

[rainydiary]

I had a situation yesterday where I felt some rejection, like I'd been dismissed without being listened to, even though I'd attempted to communicate my feelings about something, and yet it seemed as if I was ignored, not heard, not seen, not responded to.  Then someone's action caused me to feel as if I'd been overlooked, and that compounded my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  But I recognise that maybe the person didn't even know that I had attempted to communicate - it's possible they didn't realise. 

I appreciate this reflection.  I experience this a lot myself and I also see students I work with dealing with it too.  For instance, their teachers want them to ask for help yet have a very specific idea in mind of what asking for help looks like.  So when the student acts up in class or zones out (which is their way of asking for help), it is misunderstood and sadly often punished. 

It makes me realize how ill equipped we can be to notice the communication of others.  Communication is vast and complex and a lifelong study.  It also is supported by understanding and knowing ourselves.  And then there is other part of that communication being heard, acknowledged, seen, etc. 

I hope you continue noticing and finding ways to communicate what is important to you and that it more often received than not. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, thank you so much for sending those kind words of compassion and care, as I felt that you sat with me in the feelings of abandonment, rejection and being dismissed, and that you cared.  I felt less alone for that. 

Hi Armee,  I have watched the entire series of 'Maid' and really found it very powerful and absorbing – as well as thought provoking. 

Hi Dollyvee, Yes, it's tough to not take such things personally – I know I often do, but I am trying not to – and take different perspectives on things.  It does help.

Hi Rainydiary,  Thank you, I am definitely hoping to continue to try to keep channels of communication open, and negotiate the complexities of those things – I think in society today, there are so many more layers to it – with face to face, digital, etc means of communicating. 

************
25th October 2021

I am aware in the night that my body blends with parts of myself, and one night last week, I must have blended completely with a younger part – possibly  a protector part, and my partner interacted by speaking to that part – what happened was:  my partner said he'd heard me being distressed, so he'd tried to talk to me and had said 'You'll be ok' or something like that – and he said that I had replied 'What can you do about it?' in a disgruntled tone of voice.  He had thankfully replied positively to that, by saying 'I'm here, and I can help you' - or something like that.  He said that I'd then settled back to sleeping again. 

I am so relieved that he did that, because I think he did meet another part of me (a part who doesn't trust people and might not have known who he was) but he treated that part kindly.  I remember  a previous partner who had reacted in an unkind way and hostile way to similar things said during sleep, and that wasn't a good outcome really.

So I am grateful that my partner is understanding, and that I've been able to talk to him about my parts, and the process I'm attempting to do in terms of befriending them, and working with them, rather than against them.

I am grateful that he is in my life and supportive, and I am also grateful that this support forum is here, and I appreciate all the people here and their support as well 

Hope   

[woodsgnome]

Hello, Hope ... I admire your ability to  move wherever it seems useful to go. It takes lots of grit and courage to step into these troubling areas full of potential pitfalls.

This sort of journey requires two types of paths --  one away from the past hurts, another discovering a new way built on hope and promise. It's a lonely task -- it's good to read that your partner has been supportive of your efforts.

Even when words aren't there, you still seek out some way to build a better future on a shaky foundation. It's terribly vulnerable, this territory; filled with leftover grief and other hazards that arise along the way.

Bottom line -- you're always there, on the other side, vulnerable but still willing to discover that new way of being. It takes loads of self-care sometimes, but you're open to the new horizon -- best part is you're creating each step anew, and with each one comes the promise of healing.

Just wanted to drop by and express appreciation for your journey. So I'll leave off with this 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I am glad to read about your positive connection with others.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad to hear that your partner is supportive and that your partner was able to comfort one of your Parts.

[Armee]

 

Hi Hope. I feel tongue-tied except brain-tied instead. But I do want to say how encouraging it feels that your partner listens to and respects all parts of you.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad that you're feeling supported  and I'm sorry that someone wasn't supportive and caused you distress because they didn't understand.

This might be a bit woo woo for some, but I've been learning about sleep yoga through Tenzin Wangal RInpoche which is fascinating. He says that essentially there is no difference between the things that we experience while we're dreaming and the things we experience while we're awake - that these are all the same karmic traces. That on one hand they're very real, but also on the other, that they're just thoughts. It doesn't make them easier to deal with but found that looking at the things that cause us distress as just dreams is sometimes helpful to me in waking or dreaming and gives me a little distance from what is happening.

dolly

[sanmagic7]