Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome - I appreciated all that you wrote, and am grateful also for the hug, thank you    You mentioned the vulnerable aspects of negotiating a way through a territory containing left-over grief and unexpected hazards, and I am grateful to be able to come somewhere safe and validating to talk about and express some of those things - and find people who understand such as yourself, so I'm very grateful that you and others are here    I like the idea of creating fresh steps towards healing and living with anticipation that the future will have some positives within it. 

Hi Rainydiary Yes, I was grateful for the positive connection too - it was meaningful and validating.

Hi Notalone Yes, I was happy that was able to happen.  I know I am lucky that he was supportive and connected to my part. 

Hi Armee  I appreciate the fact you communicated, despite feeling tongue-tied, I know that feeling only too well.  Thank you.

Hi Dollyvee I will try to have a look at the sleep yoga you mentioned.  Thanks for sharing your experience with that, it sounds interesting. 

Hi SanMagic  Thank you so much 

Sending a hug to all of you, thank you for commenting -   

************
30th October 2021
I think the past few days have been relatively good days - I've been getting more consistent in labelling the different communications as being from parts of myself, which follows Janina Fisher's protocol - she uses TIST - that's trauma informed stabilisation treatment (I think - might mean something slightly different, I'm doubting myself now I try to think of the correct words...) 

I am going to copy her NULAA Protocol here - to remind myself, but also to share it with anyone who might also find it helpful:

NULAA Protocol:
Notice any distressing thoughts, feelings or sensations as communications from 'parts'
Unblend from the parts
Listen to them.  Let them know that you want to hear what is distressing them.
Affirm them.  "Of course you feel that way..."
Advocate for them: speak on their behalf, become their spokesperson, be on their side.

I thought I had more things I wanted to say, but now I've written that, I don't feel like I can write more right now.  So I'll leave it at that, and hope to return later.  I am planning today to do a few tasks that I need to do, and hopefully I'll do a few things.
Hope 

[Hope67]

I have a notelet that I wrote something that one of my younger parts really liked, so I'm going to share it, as I wanted to do that:
It's from the Children (Scotland) Act 1995 and it says "Children are not the possessions of their parents.  Parents have responsibilities for their children, not absolute rights."  The book that I was reading about this in went on to say something about having 'respectful concern for the child' and 'physical care and their feelings'.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing both of those things - it's a good reminder that we're here and it's ok that we are the way we are, no matter what's coming up.

You may find the dream yoga interesting or maybe not. We need to do those things that work for us 

dolly

[Larry]

Hi Hope,  I hope you have a great day !

[sanmagic7]

hope, i love that notelet you have.  it's such a good reminder for us and hopefully can alleviate shame, blame, and guilt we too often put on ourselves instead of on the people who did not treat us or think about us as your notelet says.  it's beautiful.

best to you as you continue working with your parts and all of you can become stronger and more easily trade the incompleteness felt to become whole once again.  keep taking care of you, ok?  gentle and kind.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee Larry and Sanmagic - Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate them all.   

**************

*Trigger warning, as mentioning things related to night terrors, fear, and themes around that.
2nd November 2021
I wanted to write this morning about what happened last night.  I had a really massive night terror, where I screamed really loudly, and completely affected my partner, and also myself, to the extent that I don't think either of us have got over this yet - I don't think I could physically make the noise I made screaming, if I tried to do it in daylight - it's like it's another part of me that can scream like that, and it's a very intensely frightened part of myself, and the fear is death, I recall that I believed that I was going to die at that moment.  I am aware of part of the experience, but not all of it.

What I want to note here, is that I had watched some of the talk by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche called 'Sleep Yoga with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche - which Dollyvee had mentioned as helpful to her.  I only listened to half of his talk, which was 35 minutes, so there was 30 minutes of the talk that I didn't hear yet (although I will hope to watch it at some point) - anyway, I had been interested in what he was saying, and I found some overlaps with things that Janina Fisher has said - especially about being conscious and focusing awareness on things - that sounded similar to me and comfortable.

However, I think that the fact that when I decided to try to get to sleep, and I told myself that I could 'let whatever happens happen' meant that parts of me that were normally dormant, or had not bothered me too much lately, then had permission to access my body, and therefore the distressed fearful part was terrified, and acted that out in my sleep - hence the night terror.  I realise it could have just been coincidence, but previous nights I had been careful to prepare myself for sleep by saying 'this part of me feels...' rather than allowing myself to just 'be whatever'.  I know I'm not explaining this very well.  I know what I mean, at least.

My partner's reaction to last night's night terror was upsetting to me, because I know he worries about the intensity of it, and he worries about me at such times.  I worried about the effect on my heart and whether it could be harmful to experience so much fear in such an out of control kind of way. 

We both talked about our surprise that neighbours never hear these screams, or if they do, that they never come to see if we're ok.  Maybe they don't hear - but it was so loud.  I have literally hurt my throat, and when I speak today, it sounds like I have a sore throat.  I am grateful that I don't have to see anyone today.  I have got things involving other people tomorrow though, but maybe I can soothe my throat with honey, and it will be better by tomorrow.

I feel quite de-stabilised by this, so I'll have a cup of tea.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Whilst I was sitting having the cup of tea, I found that potential triggers for last night's night terror came to me.

*Trigger warning - not sure what I'll write, but giving warning, just incase

I had watched a Star Trek episode yesterday, and the theme was alien abductions, and people being experimented on outside their knowledge, in the night, and then returned to their waking lives, but not knowing what had happened to them.  I found that difficult to watch, as it triggered many aspects for me, but I had watched it, and been disturbed by it.  It had evoked flashbacks or thoughts related to my experience of any kind of medical investigation (even having smears done and things like that) and also my thoughts about what may or may not have happened to me in the night in the past - as a child and as a younger adult as well.  It's the 'not knowing' that is scarier than the knowing in some ways.

Also, I had attempted to participate in the research by the Oxford University student, that is in the forum recently, and I had been shocked that I was accepted for the research - i.e.  my responses on one of the first questionnaires was '40' and therefore I was accepted - somehow I hadn't anticipated I would be accepted.  Then I started answering the questions, but realised I couldn't progress, because part of me felt so upset at trying to answer the historical questions about giving dates and length of time of incidents - it was impossible to answer, there is so much unknown for me.  It really upset part of me, and I had to shut down the computer and just not continue.  Hence, I'm not participating, even though I would have liked to.

But I realise that both those aspects were triggering, and have probably contributed to my experiencing that massive night terror last night.

I am grateful for the space to share these thoughts, and writing about it, and thinking about it, it's been helpful.

My partner said to me that he thinks there isn't really much I can do to change what's happened in the past, and he thinks it's in the past and 'dredging it up' doesn't help.  I know that he wants me to focus on the here and now, and going forward, and I try to do that, but of course, triggers cause me to remain embroiled in the past and implications of that.  But I know I've been making progress with things, especially following Janina Fisher's TIST approach.  I am going to continue with that.

I also hope to listen to the remaining half of the talk on 'sleep yoga' by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, as I liked what he was saying, and it made sense.  He was a calming person to listen to as well, so I liked that.

I feel better for writing about these things.

Hope 

[Armee]

Oh, Hope. I cam see why those would be so triggering and I am with you on the not knowing part. I find that very very hard to have these things that appear to be partial flashbacks and have no idea what's happening and why.

And I am often confronted by statements similar to your husband's and it is for some reason so hard to explain. I am happy to leave the past to the past, and prefer to do so. But random things will trigger me and my body is reacting and affecting my life and I have no explanation, nothing to target in EMDR, no way to explain it to the people who watch it happen.

All they to say, you're not alone. I'm not either.

And I am sorry that you were triggered and scared and upset. I'd have had the same reaction to the assessment too and if later you can let the researcher know that many of us can't answer questions like that and to have an I don't know or I can't answer that option would help them not lose participants. You could even point them to or remind them of research on the nature of traumatic memory and dissociation.

Hugs if you'd like...

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you had such a strong experience to that video!!  The last thing I would ever want to do is cause you distress. It was just such a fascinating way to look at it for me and I feel like maybe I gush about it but it's not right for everyone. I've noticed that the responses are not always trauma focused on how to work through things, that you need to realign what he's saying for trauma - ie cultivating bodhicitta and serving others needs a different framework if you grew up as a ppl pleaser in a chaotic household.

I'm glad you're going to continue with JF's approach. My initial response is if we bury these things and leave them in the past, they're going to "haunt" us. It seems like a dissociation to just cut these things off? But I think your husband and TWR might be saying the same thing in a way - that you are not that same person that you were when those things happened; it's only the idea of who you were at that time if that makes sense...a pain identity. When these strong emotions come up, we let them "self liberate" (and don't grasp them as part of us or avoid them) but just exist and dissolve because they are just fragments and we relax our identification with them. How this works in a body that is wired for trauma, I don't know.

I'm glad you're feeling better after those reactions. These are very intense things to face 

I think you hit the nail on the head as well - it's the not knowing that's scarier than the knowing. Apparently, it's not the extremity of what happens to us that causes PTSD but the unpredictability.

dolly

ps it might not be for everyone but I've tried visualizing protectors in my room before sleep. TWR talked about Dakinis (like angels) guarding your space and being whatever size etc you need them to be. Sometimes I find that ideas or fears still get through, but it's also been kind of helpful I think. It might not align with everyone's views tho.

[Larry]

i hope you have a great day hope.  sending some sunshine your way. 
p.s.
I like the idea of protectors in my room at night.   

[Not Alone]

However, I think that the fact that when I decided to try to get to sleep, and I told myself that I could 'let whatever happens happen' meant that parts of me that were normally dormant, or had not bothered me too much lately, then had permission to access my body, and therefore the distressed fearful part was terrified, and acted that out in my sleep - hence the night terror.  I realise it could have just been coincidence, but previous nights I had been careful to prepare myself for sleep by saying 'this part of me feels...' rather than allowing myself to just 'be whatever'.  I know I'm not explaining this very well.  I know what I mean, at least.

This makes sense to me.  to you and the Parts for whom a hug feels comforting.

[owl25]

Hi Hope, that sounds so intense and quite overwhelming. How are you doing now?

So many people don't understand trauma or how it works, and think it's just a choice to leave the past in the past and forget about it. Unfortunately that's not the way it works, if it did, we'd all do so and be done with it. Our brains and our bodies don't know that those events are over now and that we are safe now. We can't just decide to not have flashbacks anymore (if only we could!). There are things we can actively control about our bodies (for example, we can deliberately adjust our breathing, we can decide to move our limbs, etc.), but there also things that are beyond our control. There are automatic processes in our body (like our digestion, or white blood cells fighting infection) and those have nothing to do with our thoughts or deliberate choices we make. Maybe this would be a way to help explain things to your husband?

I am glad Janina Fisher's work is proving to be helpful to you. Anything that helps is a good thing

[Hope67]

Hi Armee Thanks for your validation, and also for the hugs.  Your suggestion also to let the researcher know that I found it difficult to complete the assessment is something I'd ideally like to do, but there are parts of myself that won't let me do that.  I think it's because I would feel like she would then know who I am, and making contact with her doesn't feel safe to parts of me.  Hence I won't do that.  But I also wish that I felt able to.  I think that would be braver.  Sending hugs also to you Armee 

Hi Dollyvee I actually was grateful to hear your perspectives on the information you'd been reading about, and I liked your enthusiasm for it.  I still intend to listen to the remaining 30 minutes of his session, but so far haven't yet done so - I hope to over the weekend.  I really like your mentioning the visualisation of protectors are night, it reminded me of some things that a forum member (might have been Kat) had suggested to me about a friendly protective bear, when smaller parts of me had been very frightened at night.  It also reminds me of the concept of a 'dream-catcher' that somehow feels quite protective too.  I used to have one of those, and for a while I had felt a bit safer at night for the fact it was there.  I like the mention of Dakinis (angels).  You talked about 'haunting' and that made sense too, and yes, unpredictability, that is hard to negotiate.   

Hi Larry  So lovely that you brought some sunshine over, I am happy to see that, you made me smile.  Thank you.  Yes, I also like the idea of protectors at night. 

Hi Notalone I really appreciate you confirming that what I wrote made sense, that was very validating to hear that.  I also appreciate the hugs,    thank you.

Hi Owl Thanks for asking how I am now.  I am doing better - it took a while to re-stabilise myself.  I was quite shaken by the experience, and especially as I'd hoped I was free of night terrors for a while.  I'd not had any for a while.

***************
5th November 2021
Janina Fisher had said (not sure when or where) but she said this "Feelings are so dangerous in an unsafe family" and she commented that she wouldn't ask a trauma patient what they're feeling, as it's a very triggering question.  I found that interesting.  Also the fact that she mentioned that "different parts hold different perspectives and memories".

Regarding sleep, I've slept better this past couple of nights.  No more night terrors.  I have been dreaming, and the content has been quite realistic, but nothing distressing.  I'm relieved.

I was dancing to some music today - and whilst I was dancing I felt a really strong whoosh of emotion, like I wanted to cry, but I just observed it, and thought that part of me is upset and feels like crying, and I felt where that feeling was held in my body, and concentrated on it, but still kept dancing, and the feeling then passed away, and I ended up feeling some happy emotions, and feeling energised at the end of dancing.  So I'm glad that I did that.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciated reading your post.  I haven't really explored the parts of myself and it helps me to consider that different parts may have different responses/feelings.  It helps me understand myself a bit more.  Thanks for sharing. 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Hope, for sharing this thoughtful reflection. I especially noted the Janina Fisher reference, where she notes the difficulty of finding where a multiple trauma survivor's feelings are at any given moment.

I had one T who would stop me all the time and ask "how are you feeling?". I had no answer, only a jumble of reactions like flashbulbs briefly popping but instantly gone. It is very difficult to emerge with one reaction sometimes, as they all seem to run together, melting into a puddle of weird substances -- real but confusing, more scary than indicating any recognizable substance. Just confusion --  . So, as Fisher explained, feelin gs are dangerous -- not only within the muddle of troublesome family upsets, but in the storm-clouds that hover around afterwards.

Anyway, I think she's on to something with that observation, as are you by noting it. Good to hear you've had better sleeps of late -- may that bode well for you during your journey forwards.