Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Larry]

 
thinking of you

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary Woodsgnome and Larry  Thank you all for what you said, and I appreciate all of you, and am sending you a hug, if that's ok 

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Just feeling glad that this forum is here, it is so supportive and everyone in it is valued.  Can't say more right now, as I'm supposed to be cooking some food - must get back to doing that. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with you, hope.  this is a wonderfully caring community, and you help make it so.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you were able to take that stuff on board despite what it brought up in you - and to come out dancing! Happy that the dreams have been more restful too.

I don't think I've ever thought of it like that, even though it's probably known on some level: "feelings are dangerous in an unsafe family." Can't show any weakness, at least that's how I interpreted it. It's a part of the fabric of who I am, all the time.

dolly

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, You're so kind and lovely, thank you for saying that.   

Hi Dolly,  Yes, dancing was fun!     Dolly - I'd like to also send you a hug if that's ok 

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7th November 2021
Last night I had another night terror - my partner told me about it, he said that I screamed again and was very distressed.  My own memories of that are that I knew something was going on last night, but I don't specifically remember screaming.  I don't specifically remember feeling very distressed either.  I do remember that I was having disturbing dreams about potentially having an illness.  This probably relates to the fact that I am trying to persuade parts of myself that I should go for a well woman kind of check-up with a doctor - with my doctor, the doctor I've not actually met yet as I've been too scared to go to see that doctor.  One of my friends had been saying that she thinks it's a good idea to have a check-up and bloods checked etc, things like thyroid and blood sugar levels, and different things, and she said her own doctor does those checks regularly.  I'd like to have a check up done, but I am scared that my younger parts will end up making me cry or get anxious in the session, and I'd like to be able to cope like I imagine non traumatised people would.

(There's a part inside who is really upset about this, and makes me feel like I'm wailing inside, but I'm telling myself it's a part of me that feels that way, and the feeling is subsiding)

At the beginning of the night, last night, I also had lots of visual images going through my mind - really graphic shapes, some became faces, some became just a kalaidoscope of different things.  So I guess my mind was racing really.

The other thing I've considered is the fact that I've been fasting at night - for the past couple of weeks, and so I get really hungry, and I'm wondering if I get more night terrors as a result of that.  My mind was thinking of the fact that a glass of warm milk before bed might make me less 'active' in my mind, and that I might settle and sleep without night terrors.  But I am trying to fast at night so that I don't gain weight.  I wanted to give my body a chance to not have to digest anything for those hours overnight, and therefore I'm not sure whether to carry on or whether to just have a glass of warm milk.

Interesting that I feel ok about having written those things, which is unusual as I sometimes think I shouldn't write so much, but today, I feel like I needed to say something, and I was glad to write - I feel more comfortable somehow.  That's good.

Hope 

[Armee]

 

My wish would be that you are able to do what takes care of Hope the best. I think it's true that not getting enough good sleep contributes to weight gain so maybe a glass of warm milk at night can be viewed as calorie-neutral for a trial period?

I also know that what we logically know and what we are able to do especially with parts can be worlds apart. And I'm afraid this might be leaning too much to advkce-giving? I was just thinking about some of my medical experiences and how they would have been different and better for me if I had not insisted on pretending to have it all together. If I had been honest with the doctor that I have trauma and things are not ok and medical things can be harder in certain ways.

I definitely have the capacity to grit my teeth and pretend I am fine with anything. But I recently had to tell my primary care doctor that I have ptsd and dissociation so she could sign a medical leave form. All this was done electronically so I haven't seen her since last March but there's a relief that comes with knowing that certain people know the truth and you can just be yourself around them -as much as parts allow.

I've always made myself the one who has it all together, I'm great and yes, I can take care of this and this and this. I forced myself to behave like a "normal" person would and tried to hide everything. I remember finally going to a trauma retreat my T wanted  me to go to, online. It was the first time I had ever allowed my traumatized self to choose how we behave instead of having on a normal mask. I felt so much relief just being myself. If I felt like wringing my hands I could ring my hands. If I needed to hold a stuffy I could hold a stuffy. If I dissociated in front of everyone, so be it.

Sorry. That was long. I just know for myself at least how pretending has been really hard and I wonder if you might be able to write a little introductory note you hand to the intake nurse to give to the doctor that just says something simple like:  "I'm Hope. I don't want to talk about it, but I want you to know that I have complex trauma and to please use trauma-informed care approaches with me."

Sorry for veering into advice. I just would have avoided some really awful stuff if I had been honest with my medical team. I'm still not sure I will be in the future. It's harder to do than it seems.

Hugs, Hope. I wish for deeper more peaceful sleep for you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i agree that a glass of warm milk at bedtime, maybe on a trial basis, might give you information re: being able to sleep without terror.  i feel so bad you have to go thru that. 

when i first moved back to the states, my D would go to the doc with me because i couldn't retain information, got extremely anxious, and would often shut down.  she would get all the info for me cuz about 15 min. into the exam my brain was pretty much done.  is there perhaps someone who could go with you to help you thru a wellness exam?  that way you don't have to worry about being 'normal', can just be yourself, but can also know you'll get all the info you need cuz someone else will be responsible for that part.  just a thought.

hope, i'm just so glad you have a supportive partner as you go thru this.  thank the stars for that. and i'm also glad you were able to write what you wanted here.  i think that's some major progress for you.   sending love and a hug filled with relief.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for the hug. I also wanted to say thank you for raising the post around The Courage to Heal. Reading the comments and peoples' relationship to the book showed me how important it was to them despite any negative side effects, but also how long change takes to come into our collective consciousness about certain things and how some people will fight it (and what their intentions may be for doing so).

I can understand how the check up might be triggering. Sending you some support if that's ok.

dolly

[Larry]

 
sending you some sunshine !

[Hope67]

Hi everyone,
I will look forward to replying to what you said to me in my next visit to this journal, but for now, I am just going to say that I slept better last night, having had some hot milk.  I didn't have any night terrors, which I'm grateful about.

Really wanted to write more, but my brain is shutting down, so I am going to go and do something to relax, maybe watch TV for a bit.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you noticing what you need right now and taking care of those things the best you can.

[owl25]

Just wanted to let you know I've read your post.   

[Armee]

 

Hi Hope. I'll continue to hope for more nights without terror.

[sanmagic7]

   wonderful news that you got to have a night without night terrors.  well done.  i hope warm milk keeps helping.  we all deserve restful sleep.  love and hugs

[Larry]