Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Snowdrop]

Glad you slept better, Hope.

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Hope and sending 

[rainydiary]

 

[Hope67]

  to all of you.  Thank you 

***********
17th November 2021
I've struggled to write anything here in my journal in the past few days, it's been as if there's been a critical part of myself who has been more prominent and hasn't really helped me to come here - and definitely hasn't helped me feel able to write anything, but I feel like that has subsided now, and the effects of that part are less prominent today.  I am relieved, as I wanted to come here and write a few words.

I had wanted to reply individually to everyone who had commented in my journal, but didn't manage to do that.  So I'm just going to say thank you to you all and how much I appreciate you 

Now I realise I do have the resistance to writing - a part of me still blocks me just now.  I'll try again another day.  There are things I want to write about, and things I want to say.  I hope to say some of them in the coming days.

Hope 

[Larry]

i hope you are doing well,   everyone is here to support you ! 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you noticing and sharing where you are right now.

[Armee]

 

Hi Hope.

I can't wait until you have the freedom to express yourself. You have so much to say and it'll be nice to read it. 

[sanmagic7]

 

i think it'll be interesting to discover what that resistance is all about.  you've come a long way on this forum, i've seen the progress you've made with being more open with yourself and with others.  could the resistance be related to that?  just a thought.  love and hugs, hope

[Larry]

 

[Not Alone]

I understand feeling resistance to writing here. I experience that sometimes too. Whether you share or not, you care cared for.

[woodsgnome]

Hope, it seems more than okay that the writing just doesn't always come, and rarely does it come easily.

It's obvious you have the urge and love to share insights and info via your journal. There's lots of each of those elements packed into lots of what you've written about. There's usually a good, if nefarious, reason for that resistance to pop up. We know it by the name icr (inner critic). 

You've shown so often that you want so much to share, but for most of us it's difficult. Bottom line is your writing has been an honest appraisal of where and how you're feeling.

Kudos for that and then some more  !  Self-care is what counts more than anything when we hit these bumps.

[Hope67]

I appreciate you all so much, and thank you for writing in my journal   

I am feeling very emotional at the moment.  I feel very tearful and overwhelmed inside.  But I wanted to come here and write, and just say how much I appreciate the chance and space to write, and to feel heard and understood.

I have no idea what I'm going to write, so I'll write 'Trigger word' just incase...

I've been impressed by people who have been able to write about transitions and changes that they're going through.  I know that I tend not to write about those things, as they are so triggering to me, and hold such a lot of emotion and stuff.  But maybe at some point I will write more about those things, and I really think if I was able to do so, it would be helpful to me.  Help to process.

Often I think it's the things I don't talk about and don't mention that are the very things that I need to process. 

A theme for me is the things that I've not felt able to talk about - the things unspoken. 

I relate to issues relating to cults, even though I was never in a cult, but the fact is that I feel and relate to being in a very controlled family, where I was controlled and expected to be a certain way, and where I felt unable to be myself. 

I feel like whatever I've done in my life, there's always been a giant part of my life, or topics that I've felt are forbidden to talk about.  It's like so many sides are hidden.  But that's not healthy. That's living a lie.

Living many lies.

I probably will regret writing this, but at another tangent, I feel that it's good that I'm at least allowing myself to write something more freely.

I am grateful to Bach's description of her relative as 'that bloody woman' as I describe my M that way.  Yet, I feel also that I have guilt about that too.  There are different sides. 

I am hoping to start a new journal in the coming days, so it will my 'Part 2' of 2021, and I hope that that will be a journal where I feel freer to share things, and work through some things, and I am thankful and grateful to you all for the things you have said in response to things I've already written, as I really appreciate you all.



Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i think many of us have been forced into lives of 'many lies'.  i know i have.  i applaud your courage for writing your truth .  i know how difficult it can be.  slowly but surely, we will be able to reduce the amount of lies, secrets, shame, guilt, and everything else that grows in the darkness.  i truly believe the more light we let in, we allow to shine on all those dark things, the better able we  are to diminish them.  like salting snails, they will wither and dry up in the light. but, as always, at your own pace and what feels best for you.  you're #1 in your process.

you are so brave, hope, writing what is frightening to write about.  you are so cared about, so loved, so deserving of having that darkness destroyed.  right beside you thru it all.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for what you shared.  I hope that you continue to find what feels right in expressing. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Wanted to say that we're here for you - both Hopes. The new Hope to be uncovered and the Hope in the journal we've come to know.

Good to hear you're processing things. Giving you a hug if that's ok 

dolly