Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Armee]

Hi Hope!

I love seeing you write here and try to break through the internal barriers to express yourself. You have so much to offer. I also really respect how you listen to yourself and if the resistance is high you don't force it.

[Hope67]

   Thank you everyone.  I appreciate you all. 

***********
25th November 2021
I've struggled in the past few days, but I think I've surfaced out of 'something' today - it's like tentatively pointing a toe into some water, and experiencing some sunshine on the shore.  Thinking that maybe there's a way forward that is going to be alright, but at the same time fearing impending storms might spoil it.  Feeling embarrassed at the same time, about the previous fear.  Yet it was so real. 

Embarrassed now by what I've just written.  Time for a cup of tea.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I've struggled in the past few days, but I think I've surfaced out of 'something' today - it's like tentatively pointing a toe into some water, and experiencing some sunshine on the shore. 

I love the way you phrased that with your toe tentatively in the water and sunshine on the shore   

There has been a lot going on for you emotionally in the last little while so it's really good to hear you've surfaced out of something.

Your previous fear was very real. I accept you with that fear. 

[Armee]

 

Shame and embarrassment are often my reaction to disclosing fear, too. For me it takes the focus from the thing I was fearful of and puts it on me being bad. Safer.

And sometimes the fearful thing just loses some power when it is spoken and that's the whole point of getting it out of us.

So, I get feeling embarrassed and also there's no external reason to be embarrassed. Its ok to be afraid and to be embarrassed about being afraid.

[Papa Coco]

It's a double-edged sword. Disclosing anything from our personal inner thoughts and feelings is extremely healthy, but terrifying at the same time. I admit that I feel a period of terror after every post I write in this forum, for fear I'll have worded it wrong, or exposed something about myself that I should be ashamed of.

It's trauma. That's all it is. It feels like I really need to be punished or thrown off the forum for having admitted something, or for having said something that hurt someone's feelings, or was just...plain...wrong. But it's trauma. No one is angry. No one is shaming us. Our trauma is wired to make us expect to be shamed for having opened up.

But, Armee, you are 100% correct: The whole point [of sharing our skittish thoughts] is getting it out of us.  It's very healthy. Very rewarding. And very terrifying.  All I can say is there is a lot of courage on this forum. Without fear, there is no courage. But when we share, through our fear, that's when we prove we have some serious courage.

[Larry]

i have been learning so much from everyone on this forum,  thank you for being here Hope !

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Just wanted to say that Im sure in the past there has been a very real reason for you to have that fear and I'm sorry that you're having to go through it again but if you do go through it, if the storms are real, you have done so much work and have a lot of resources to cope.

Sending you a hug if that's ok 

dolly

[Hope67]

Thank you everyone 

I'm tired just now, but I wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone here.   

Hope 

[Not Alone]

There are many things that I don't disclose here, so you are not alone in that. Like you, I try to listen to Parts who don't feel safe sharing certain things. Having said that, everything I write, whether about myself or to someone else, feels like a risk.

Sending you tender care, Hope. 

It's a double-edged sword. Disclosing anything from our personal inner thoughts and feelings is extremely healthy, but terrifying at the same time. I admit that I feel a period of terror after every post I write in this forum, for fear I'll have worded it wrong, or exposed something about myself that I should be ashamed of.

It's trauma. That's all it is. It feels like I really need to be punished or thrown off the forum for having admitted something, or for having said something that hurt someone's feelings, or was just...plain...wrong. But it's trauma. No one is angry. No one is shaming us. Our trauma is wired to make us expect to be shamed for having opened up.

But, Armee, you are 100% correct: The whole point [of sharing our skittish thoughts] is getting it out of us.  It's very healthy. Very rewarding. And very terrifying.  All I can say is there is a lot of courage on this forum. Without fear, there is no courage. But when we share, through our fear, that's when we prove we have some serious courage.

Very well put, Papa Coco

[Hope67]

 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I am filled with such gratitude for you and what you offer here.  I appreciate what you share and what you offer to others.   

[Armee]

Hi Hope. 🙃

I came to give a hug but I'm feeling silly instead.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary and Armee

Thanks to both of you.

************
6th December 2021
Today feel's like I'm 'wading through treacle' kind of feeling.  But I am managing to do things, slowly but surely.  However, I have tried to listen to some of the Super Trauma Conference sessions, and I'm a third of the way through one about 'Relational Trauma' by Heather Monroe, and for some reason I am finding it really aggravating to parts of myself.  It's something about how the person interviewing her is smiling and interacting with her, and it's as if they look 'happy' about the situations, and it's really annoyed part of myself. 

I had to stop taking notes and come here, to express this.  I realise that maybe attending these courses gets 'too much' for parts of myself to handle, and then they start to bring up strong feelings - which appear to direct against the person sharing the information.  That's not fair on them, but it's what's happened, and I just wanted to note it here.  It's happened before in situations, and I realise it could happen more than I realise, and maybe I react to those things (sometimes without realising). 

I couldn't watch any sessions yesterday - the content was 'collective trauma' and somehow just reading the people's backgrounds and some quite jargonistic descriptors of themselves was something that put me off.

There's been a lot of things going on in my home life too though, so maybe those are triggering me more than I realise. 

I realise the content of today's sessions in the super conference - i.e. so specifically related to 'Relational trauma' are probably the most triggering for me, and that's why more protective parts of myself are coming up, and making me feel like this. 

Anyway, I'm going to take a break, and hopefully enjoy a cup of tea. 

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I completely understand how the conference could activate more protective parts. Taking things slowly but surely sounds like a good plan.

I will bring you another cup of tea if that's something you would like.

[woodsgnome]

I debated wanting to say anything, and I hope you're alright with my slipping this entirely subjective opinion along the lines of how you relate, or your parts do, to certain of these 'experts' (most of them truly are, but some seem a little caught up in their own branding/marketing).

So here's my risky subjective opinion, and this regards the presenter Caroline Myss. Like the person who interviewed her, I read her book about why people don't heal. In it she coined the word 'woundology' and makes no bones about how great an observation that was. I guess -- as if words are the be-all and end-all involved in healing from some pretty dire traumas.

Basically, I felt when I first read her old book that she was off-putting/dismissing the real pain that is involved with living through these types of trauma. Given that the interview launched right into it, I'll admit I couldn't take that approach here either. Perhaps she corrected my impression later on, but I didn't sense it and didn't want to hear anymore.

Basically, to me (or my parts) she was implying that the victim is to blame for their own pain (and/or holding onto it). How she talks about this strikes me as akin to that too familiar saying: "just get over it". How many times haven't I heard that from many well-intentioned folks. I'd try to understand them, gave them the benefit of the doubt (especially experts) and all I come away with is someone trying to lay tons of guilt on me for what a weakling I must be to have been so hurt. Followed up by 'expert' instructions on how to flip the switch and live happily ever after. I'm sorry -- grief happens and it runs deeper than any "blame-ology" could ever cure.

I'm sorry for taking space in your journal to say this, Hope67. As a general rule I prefer not to be negative, with Myss or any others but in her case I've almost felt reinjured at her suggestion that it's the victim's fault, etc. Some reviews of her elsewhere online suggest I'm not the only one who feels put-down by how she tends to use this blame-the-victim slant as her go-to attempt to 'help'. Huh?  What don't I get? Just a few tears, maybe -- all my fault, of course.

If you'd rather I hadn't interrupted your journal with my take, please feel free to delete it. I just felt like I wanted to point out my take, which is again subjective and wholly my own.

Take care, Hope