Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Thanks, I think that's definitely what was happening, the conference and issues within it activating and bringing up the emotions and feelings of some of my little parts who want to protect the vulnerable little parts, it definitely makes sense.  Thanks for the offer of the tea, I accept it and enjoy it. 



Hi Woodgsnome,
I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts on this, and for sharing how you felt about a presenter you'd come across.  I'm not sure if I've seen that particular presenter, but I will certainly bear in mind what you said.  There are definitely things that come up that people say that can either help or hinder, and it's good to discuss our thoughts on it - because then we can hopefully feel supported in taking our steps within what can be unchartered territory sometimes.

Yes, I've heard the 'just get over it' mantra too - wow, that's impossible to do. 

Thank you very much for writing in my journal - I always appreciate things you say, and welcome things from everyone here.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to 'talk about' things and share perspectives - it helps a lot.   

************
I was reflecting on how I have been feeling since I wrote what I last wrote in my journal - I think when I'm triggered by something, it can be the case that my younger parts end up focusing in on a person's non-verbal communication, and can actually really focus in on things like eye-gaze and smiling and facial expression, but that I can actually feel as if I'm 'mis-reading those things' - although there's another part of me that is convinced that what I'm seeing is how they're really feeling.  So there's some 'magical thinking' there. 

A memory of when I was little and I felt as if people weren't taking me seriously, that they were mocking me, or patronising me - that comes to mind somehow.  Flashbacks to that kind of feeling.

I've been feeling what I think are 'angry thoughts' or 'angry feelings' - and wanting to 'push away' physically against those 'things' - not sure what those things are, it's just a feeling of wanting to do that.

I don't get in touch with anger very often, but I feel like there's an 'angry part' who holds a lot of anger, and I am aware that part is activated by the session I watched about 'relational trauma' - I'm not sure I will watch the second part of it, and will probably not watch the remaining sessions.  I could only select a couple each day, and I've noticed that this effect happens whenever I try to watch Conferences.

I think I feel some anger that the professionals are keenly promoting their books and videos and everything, but the time taken to try to process the content of the sessions, when you are someone experiencing CPTSD - it's so heavy to do that.  Yes, they always offer the chance to buy the sessions to watch at your lesiure, and I did do that once - with a previous set of sessions, only to forget the code I need to unlock it and watch it. 

I feel apologetic as I feel like I'm ranting now, and that I'm ungrateful - when infact I am very grateful for the opportunity to watch the sessions, and I guess I'm just feeling the angst of knowing that this is such an ongoing and tough journey to traverse, and how long I've been focusing on it, but I feel like I need to pursue it, and I do feel like progress is happening - albeit coming into contact with emotions and feelings is hard for me.

I feel like I should give a trigger warning as I feel like I'm ranting, and somehow that feels scary to parts of myself - like I'm not in control of myself, but I think I've not really said anything bad here.  So maybe a warning isn't necessary.

I am glad that I have communicated all of the above, as it does feel like it's channeling my angst and getting it out of me to a safe place.

Thank you all for being there, and I hope to venture into your journals and catch up in the coming days, as I do read what you all write, but haven't popped into your journals for a while - I think the conference and things going on at home have been a bit too much for me to process.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you naming that it is helpful to have time to process and come back if needed.  I have been grateful to be part of groups and trainings where the trainings are recorded.  I find myself pausing when I need to and it is so helpful to watch when I am ready.  I personally would like to see more organizations offer this at no cost.  Things move too fast for no good reason. 

[Armee]

Hi Hope I think what you have to say is very important and valid and I'm glad youbare sharing it here. I'm sorry things are so tough at home right now..

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I just wanted to say that I don't think it sounds like you're ranting, you're expressing your frustration. I'm guessing that that's something you weren't allowed to do growing up and was maybe even dangerous/threatening to do. I hope you see your journal as a dafe place to do that and process the things that are happening, no matter how ugly.

Woodsgnome brought up an interesting idea and is definitely something I felt at times throughout my life often with people who have no understanding of trauma and how it works in the body. I think it's important to reframe things for trauma and our experiences. I know with certain buddhist lectures/ideas it seems like its down to the strength of mind and if you can't get over it, you're weak. On the other hand, I've been seeing the benefit/how it can be beneficial to let the trauma go and not hold onto it. However, I think it's only possible once you've gone through it, warts and all. I hope that makes sense and is not too contradictory.



dolly

[Blueberry]

Hope, I don't think you're ranting either. You're expressing your feelings and reactions to the conference sessions like annoyance and even anger. I remember when you really couldn't express those types of feelings at all on here so  for being able to do it now. 

[Larry]

wishhing you a nice day today

[Hope67]

Thank you everyone    I appreciate each and every one of you, and what you each said.  I'm sorry I've not replied individually to you.  But I want to send you all a hug.

**********
10th December 2021
I hope to start a new journal sometime soon - although maybe I'll use this 'part 1' journal till the end of 2021, and then start a new one for 2022.  Yes, that sounds like a good idea. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you Hope.  I also have been thinking of a new journal and feel conflicted about when to start.  I look forward to reading wherever you write. 

[Armee]

Hi Hope! A new journal will be lovely part 2 or brand new.

[Not Alone]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, Armee & Not Alone,

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Yes, they always offer the chance to buy the sessions to watch at your lesiure, and I did do that once - with a previous set of sessions, only to forget the code I need to unlock it and watch it. 

Hi Hope,
For you this was possibly not the most important sentence in your whole long post but what resonated for me was forgetting the code. That's the kind of thing that happens to me, that or some minor computer or Internet thing that throws a whole spanner in the works. I also have long-standing computer and phone difficulties because I lost 2 passwords and have no idea how to get a new password in either case, although I have enquired.  to you.

I hope the problems at home that you mentioned in your long post are easing up.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for sharing your experience of also having stuff happen re: computer/internet stuff.  I appreciate that.   

*************
19th December 2021
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster this past few days, but it's ok, I'm surviving the ups and downs of it, and it's ok!  I've wanted to come here to write, but literally it's not felt like there's been the time or the opportunity, but I still feel so glad that this space is here, and I really hope to get chance to think about how things have been going, and collect my thoughts for going forward with a fresh journal for 2022.  I would like to just note a few things in the end of this one - whilst 2021 is still here, and therefore that's my intention in the coming days - providing I get space and chance.

There's many things going on - I'm having to deal with some social things, and that's been interesting - but I have coped, and that's good.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Good on you for coping, Hope! 

[Hope67]

Thank you Blueberry 

*************
22nd December 2021
I am unable to put into words things very well at the moment, but I am ok. 
Hope