Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you so much for what you said, it is very much appreciated by me, and by my parts.
Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you for your hug
and also what you said about my bad sleep - I just saw in your journal that you've been experiencing some difficult/challenging dreams at the moment - let's hope we can both have nicer more peaceful nights of sleep. Fingers crossed. Sending you a hug as well, and thanks for yours
Hi Blueberry,
Thanks - I slept better last night as a whole. My nights have been full of lots of dreams and vivid content, but last night I don't remember dreaming anything. Thanks for sharing what you thought of the tapping. I found what you wrote and also Bach's comments about tapping in her journal to be very helpful to me, and gave me the courage to try tapping in the summit. I've not done any for a couple of days though, thought I'd have a break from it. Thanks for the gentle hug of support, and sending one also to you
*******
3rd March 2021
I feel calmer at this moment in time, and that's a nice feeling. I'll just hold onto that feeling for the evening and hope that it is there when I wake up tomorrow as well.
I've been reflecting on something I read in an entry that Woodsgnome made, about wondering whether people continue to harass and want contact - I've had that happening myself in the past couple of weeks, and I've managed to keep my boundaries. But it's been very hard to do that. I recognise a conflict and disparity of views from different parts of myself about the situation, but the over-riding concern of my 'keeping on with normal life' part is that I need to preserve my own safety and my own boundaries - and I've seen other members (like Woodsgnome and Blueberry) doing this in their lives - asserting some boundaries, and I am keen to do that myself as well. It gives me courage and strength to do it, as I know it's something that's important.
I'm skirting around the fact that I feel as if I'm being stalked a bit at the moment by a FOO member who is wanting me to get in contact, and I don't want to talk specifically about the circumstances of it, because somehow if I say the relationship out loud, or in words here, it makes it more 'real' - it is real, the feeling is there, and I haven't felt able to talk about it.
I know what I'm talking about, and I feel like I'm writing in riddles now, but I shall just continue to write - as it's good that I'm managing to write something - and it seems like a stream of words are spurting out now.
I was feeling calm, but now as I write I feel whooshes of strong emotion - pressure in my throat - feel like I need to put a trigger warning now:
TW Trigger warning, incase I write something that is triggering to anyone:
I've been having more flashbacks and EFs in the past couple of weeks. I felt soooo guilty after I'd written something in response to someone else in the forum, which was about how I wondered whether I'd feel better or different when someone died, and then the very next day I found out that they had died. But I didn't wish it on them, and I guess I knew it would happen. It was understandable that it would happen, and it did.
I've got so many mixed emotions about it. But there is also relief there too, as some parts are relieved. They feel better.
I have been getting more flashbacks of things that happened in my childhood too - but it's fragmented, and typically doesn't have a continuity of narrative - so it's difficult to know when things happened, but I've had body memories that are hard to cope with, or hard to accept could have been reality.
There's also a part of me that minimises these things, and doesn't want to look at them.
My partner is concerned about me - from the point of view that he thinks I am always focused on trauma and reading about it, and I think he wonders when I will be 'over it' - but I know I won't be 'over it' - but what I do think is possible is to manage things, and build a greater understanding of fragments of my mind, and I am trying to calm my nervous system and try different things to help me to cope.
My partner is incredibly understanding, and loving, and I am concerned for him, that he worries for me. I explained to him that I'm facing things that would be challenging for any person, without a background of trauma - i.e. the death of someone, estrangement, complex relationships with those people, and trying to cope with all that comes from that, but with unresolved childhood issues - it's hard.
My mind has gone blank now. I feel a bit spacey, so I'll stop writing now.
Hope
