Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Thank  you Blueberry and Snowdrop 

24th February 2021
I've still been coming here to read things, but in terms of writing anything myself, I'm unable to do so - not properly - as I have too many conflicting thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

I have heard the news that my FOO (F) has died.  The way I heard that news isn't straight forward.  But I know it is true.  Because I have various fragmented parts of myself, I feel that each one of them is responding to that in different ways, hence there is a rough path ahead of me.  BUT I am ok. 

Anyway, I'm glad at least to have written that.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I can imagine that different parts are having different reactions. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Sending you big hugs of love and support.

[Blueberry]

Sending support to you Hope 

[Bach]

Thinking of you, Hope.

[Not Alone]

I would imagine that would bring up many different feelings. Whatever each part is feeling is okay. 

[Hope67]

Snowdrop, Blueberry and Notalone, 
Thank you all for your supportive hugs and I really appreciated what you said. 

Sending you all hugs too 

***********
27th February 2021
I've been attending the EFT tapping summit, and doing some tapping - which has been helpful.  I've done this years back, just briefly, and at that time I opened up too much, and caused a massive rash all over my body, but this time, it's been ok.  I am glad that it has been going on this week, as it's been good timing for me.

I am heeding Snowdrop's suggestion to be 'gentle' with myself - and with all my parts at the moment.

I've noticed the emergence of a couple of parts that I wasn't as used to being around, but that's ok too.

I watched Janina Fisher's sessions and found them really good.  She has provided really clear pdf handouts with her slides, so they will be a useful reminder of those sessions. 

Hope 

[Bach]

Thank you for my birthday hug
Here's a hug because hugs are good

[Hope67]

Thanks so much Bach    I agree that hugs are good.  Thank you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

2nd March 2021
I had a really bad night terror last night.  I understand why, but I really felt bad for my partner - who I knew was also affected significantly by how I was last night.  I literally screamed really loudly and he did his best to calm me down, but it was still horrible.  I have some memory of what happened, and really believed I was going to die, and that he was also going to die.  Terror. 

I feel bad that night terrors are back for me again.  I had had some nice respite from them for a while.

I've wanted to share things in here, but because my parts have different feelings and thoughts about what's happened, and I want to try to manage those things and keep some sense of calm and coping going, it's been a bit challenging.

But, I am coping relatively well - and reading things here have helped me a lot.  Just knowing this place is here, and I feel supported here, it helps a lot.

I've been trying out some EFT tapping - I found one yesterday to be really upsetting - it was entitled 'Motivate me to have a productive day' - it really upset parts of me, when mentioning perfectionism - it was a trigger to some painful emotions and they surfaced.  I was in tears.  Crying.

But I know I have emotions around a lot at the moment, so it could have been a grief reaction.  I don't know.

Anyway, I like the EFT tapping, and I have found some of the sessions to be ok - I think it was helpful to read what Bach had written about experiences with tapping and having words that are meaningful to yourself, rather than necessarily using someone else's words.  I am going to think about that more.  One of the women doing the EFT sessions has a lovely calming voice, and I like that.  It's comforting to hear her.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I've been thinking of you, Hope, and wondering how you are. I think night terrors are completely understandable in the circumstances. I can imagine lots of things are being stirred up.

I like tapping a lot as well.

Sending you oodles of love and support, Hope.

[dollyvee]

That's really hard  When you have a bad sleep, carries on to the next day as well.

I tried tapping but found it to be a little like EMDR...that it might trigger things that parts/my system isn't ready for. Good that you have a relaxing one.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're having night terrors again, Hope. Here's a gentle  and lots of support for a difficult time.

Some of the things you wrote about tapping helped me too. Like you've had over-the-top physical reactions. I haven't quite like that, but my body especially my arms sometimes get so tired and heavy-feeling i can't continue. So the fact that you have had unwished for side effects too help me to accept that what I have done recently is enough for me. I'm glad you feel comforted by the voice of one presenter 

I hope you sleep better tonight. 

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Thank you so much for what you said, it is very much appreciated by me, and by my parts.   

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you for your hug  and also what you said about my bad sleep - I just saw in your journal that you've been experiencing some difficult/challenging dreams at the moment - let's hope we can both have nicer more peaceful nights of sleep.  Fingers crossed.    Sending you a hug as well, and thanks for yours 

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks - I slept better last night as a whole.  My nights have been full of lots of dreams and vivid content, but last night I don't remember dreaming anything.    Thanks for sharing what you thought of the tapping.  I found what you wrote and also Bach's comments about tapping in her journal to be very helpful to me, and gave me the courage to try tapping in the summit.  I've not done any for a couple of days though, thought I'd have a break from it. Thanks for the gentle hug of support, and sending one also to you 

*******
3rd March 2021
I feel calmer at this moment in time, and that's a nice feeling.  I'll just hold onto that feeling for the evening and hope that it is there when I wake up tomorrow as well. 

I've been reflecting on something I read in an entry that Woodsgnome made, about wondering whether people continue to harass and want contact - I've had that happening myself in the past couple of weeks, and I've managed to keep my boundaries.  But it's been very hard to do that.  I recognise a conflict and disparity of views from different parts of myself about the situation, but the over-riding concern of my 'keeping on with normal life' part is that I need to preserve my own safety and my own boundaries - and I've seen other members (like Woodsgnome and Blueberry) doing this in their lives - asserting some boundaries, and I am keen to do that myself as well.  It gives me courage and strength to do it, as I know it's something that's important.

I'm skirting around the fact that I feel as if I'm being stalked a bit at the moment by a FOO member who is wanting me to get in contact, and I don't want to talk specifically about the circumstances of it, because somehow if I say the relationship out loud, or in words here, it makes it more 'real' - it is real, the feeling is there, and I haven't felt able to talk about it. 

I know what I'm talking about, and I feel like I'm writing in riddles now, but I shall just continue to write - as it's good that I'm managing to write something - and it seems like a stream of words are spurting out now.

I was feeling calm, but now as I write I feel whooshes of strong emotion - pressure in my throat - feel like I need to put a trigger warning now:

TW Trigger warning, incase I write something that is triggering to anyone:

I've been having more flashbacks and EFs in the past couple of weeks.  I felt soooo guilty after I'd written something in response to someone else in the forum, which was about how I wondered whether I'd feel better or different when someone died, and then the very next day I found out that they had died.  But I didn't wish it on them, and I guess I knew it would happen.  It was understandable that it would happen, and it did.

I've got so many mixed emotions about it.  But there is also relief there too, as some parts are relieved.  They feel better. 

I have been getting more flashbacks of things that happened in my childhood too - but it's fragmented, and typically doesn't have a continuity of narrative - so it's difficult to know when things happened, but I've had body memories that are hard to cope with, or hard to accept could have been reality.

There's also a part of me that minimises these things, and doesn't want to look at them.

My partner is concerned about me - from the point of view that he thinks I am always focused on trauma and reading about it, and I think he wonders when I will be 'over it' - but I know I won't be 'over it' - but what I do think is possible is to manage things, and build a greater understanding of fragments of my mind, and I am trying to calm my nervous system and try different things to help me to cope.

My partner is incredibly understanding, and loving, and I am concerned for him, that he worries for me.  I explained to him that I'm facing things that would be challenging for any person, without a background of trauma - i.e. the death of someone, estrangement, complex relationships with those people, and trying to cope with all that comes from that, but with unresolved childhood issues - it's hard.

My mind has gone blank now.  I feel a bit spacey, so I'll stop writing now.
Hope 

[Hope67]

4th March 2021
I had a better night's sleep last night, so that's a good start - and this morning I feel ok.  I've had quite a few communications from different parts of myself, and I'm attempting to listen to them, but at the same time, get on with the things I need to do. 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thank you for that and  it's great you're finding some relief.

It's just my experience but I always carried (and still do to an extent) immense guilt about my family and my actions towards them. That I was somehow wrong and causing them pain (all of which they taught me while not caring about me as a person). Tbh I felt it was much easier to manage that after my mother died. It was like this part of me that always wanted a "real" mother/daughter relationship with her could now move on. I think it was much easier because I'd spent a lot of time realizing when she was alive that we were never going to have that relationship. It's not something I would ever want to happen. Yeah I did think about it and how maybe it would be easier if I did have an inheritance since she always had the means to help when I needed it but never did (the great irony is she died without a will and I am suckerpunched with nothing now but I've made my own way) but I think it was only as a last resort and not something I would've traded for a "real" relationship.

While I was walking the other day, it came to me that that was just my mom's time on earth. It wasn't the mom I needed as a person and none of what she did was ok, but that was just her time to do whatever it was. I'm waffling on and your circumstances may be entirely different but I just wanted to share as I know none of this is easy with family.

Hope you are finding some comfort with everything. You are allowed your boundaries