Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[woodsgnome]

Hope, mainly I just want to assure you I'm pulling for you to get to a freer state about the issues that have resurfaced. Specifically the touchy NC scenarios and your fortitude in holding steady with your boundaries.

I've gone through a recent spate of that sort of thing, and it does  make one feel awfully insecure. In my case, I'm far removed from the person who tried jumping my NC limits, but they figured out a way to get to me via phone. Physical distance aside, it just feels like stalking.

Okay, but what I really wanted to express here comes via this gesture, if you're alright with it:  I hope you feel less alone with at least that small measure of support.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,  Thank you so much for what you wrote.  I've just been re-reading some of another journal I'd written a few years back - I think it was 2018, and you were there in those responses too, and I am feeling very emotional at the moment, in terms of feeling the care and kindness that you and other people have shown to me, so thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart 

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you, I very much appreciate your kindness and your hug, and I would like to also reciprocate that hug 

Hi Notalone, Thank you    I am feeling a lot of emotions at the moment, and I appreciate what you said.   

Hi Woodsgnome,  Thank you, that is such a big and friendly hug, and I love it    I am sorry you've been through that boundary stuff lately too - it's horrible when they push our boundaries, and don't respect us!  I am holding onto my fortitude to hold steady.  Thank you.

********
20th March 2021
I've been re-reading an old diary - I can't believe how many views that diary has had, and what I've written in it.  I was re-reading it till just page 3, and tears have been rolling down my face, I was so emotional re-reading it.

I have drunk half a bottle of wine, and I very rarely drink alcohol, but I'm able to write here, and I feel ok, but I realise I am more emotional.  I apologise for drinking something - infact I think I need to go now. 

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone's kindness, and their care and their concern.  It is truely a place of safety for me.  I will be back when I'm sobre.

Hope 

[Hope67]

23rd March 2021
I feel like I've been blending numerous times with different parts of myself in the past couple of days, and consequently I have been in and out of multiple EF's, experiencing that blending and emotional roller-coaster.  However, I have been able to recognise those different parts, and I've sometimes been able to unblend and stay in my 'going on with normal life' self.  I am so grateful again to Janina Fisher, whose work is for me proving to be invaluable in helping me to understand things better, and to see a way forward that will help.  I have been attempting to follow her ideas, but I think it's been very slow for me, as I've been distracted, and also that my mind is fragmented as a result of my childhood traumas.  But I recently bought her book called 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists', and it accompanies the previous book I've got, called 'Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation' - and I found the first opening pages to be so powerful - her first line said "This book was written for you"  and it felt as if she reached out and touched me.  That chapter was just called 'Trauma Survivors: How to use this book' but what Janina wrote in that chapter, it was just what I needed to read.  She's worked with Judith Herman, and I think also with Bessel Van der Kolk.

Anyway, I am enthusing so much about having got this book, and keen to read through it, but I need to pace myself, as I really feel like my emotional lability at the moment is tough to cope with - I literally have been blending sometimes with my parts.  But I'm not afraid of any of them - that is a big thing to realise.  I feel like everyone of them has helped me to survive and be the person I am now. 

Now that I've got a Workbook by Janina I feel like I'll be able to begin to really work on that - pacing myself, because I recognise that some parts of me are reluctant and scared of that, but other parts want me to do that.  I already recognise a conflict - but the fact is that Janina says people don't need a therapist to use the book, that survivors can use it on their own, and so I feel I'm going to trust to that, and see how it goes. 

Anyway, this morning, I am feeling hopeful, and the sun is shining. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

24th March 2021
I've just been trying to write some things in the forum, responding to some things others have said in their journals, but I have other parts which are being very vocal in my head - and it's too distracting and meaning that I just can't express things or say what I want to say.  I have wanted to express a hug to people too, but a part of me tells me that could be annoying for the other people - but I've pushed past that and offered the hug.  I hope it's not annoying to anyone. 

I recognise my parts are dyscombobulated - i.e. all affected by recent events that have happened in my life.  The fact I have an estranged family member who is trying to re-contact me, and I don't know how best to handle that situation, and the fact is that many of my parts are feeling so scared and upset about it.  Like I am being stalked.  That is how it feels. 

I got very triggered yesterday by another attempt from that person to contact me.  I don't even feel safe to say the way she attempted to contact me, incase she somehow sees my journal here - although I think it's highly unlikely she'd find it.  But, she has employed a detective in the past, when she's wanted to do stuff in her life, and I wouldn't put it past her to dig around at my personal life that way, if she could find a way.  I think that now that she is bereaved, that she will turn her attention on any remaining family members that she can get to communicate with her. 

So far I'm literally ignoring contact from her.  That feels like a horrible thing to do, but it is at the same time a protective thing to do. 

Anyway, I need to try to have a day which isn't ruminating about that situation.  I was getting better at reducing rumination about family issues, and I want to get back to that, and focus on living my life in the here and now. 

I think I feel some anger too, and that's interesting, because that is normally held in another part of me, and yet I feel like I can feel some of that emotion, more than I might normally acknowledge.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

So far I'm literally ignoring contact from her.  That feels like a horrible thing to do, but it is at the same time a protective thing to do. 

Hope, you have a very tender, caring heart, so I can see where ignoring someone feels "horrible." I want to encourage/reinforce that it is good and healthy for you to protect yourself. In this case ignoring her attempts to contact you seems really wise. Good for you for taking care of yourself and your Littles this way. I'm sorry that what she is doing is causing so much disruption for you. 

Anyway, I am enthusing so much about having got this book, and keen to read through it, but I need to pace myself, as I really feel like my emotional lability at the moment is tough to cope with - I literally have been blending sometimes with my parts.  But I'm not afraid of any of them - that is a big thing to realise.  I feel like everyone of them has helped me to survive and be the person I am now. 

  It is wonderful that you are getting to know and care for your parts more.

I have wanted to express a hug to people too, but a part of me tells me that could be annoying for the other people - but I've pushed past that and offered the hug.  I hope it's not annoying to anyone. 

I feel cared for when I receive your hugs and/or comments. 

[dollyvee]

I relate to your distress and understand how discombobulating it can be. I've felt in the past that I was the only person to notice what was happening in my family and when I set a boundary and distanced myself from it, I felt a lot of confusing emotions if they would call or ask me why I was "mad" at them. I felt guilty and confused but ultimately the distance felt good for me. It's great that you're giving your parts that distance to heal what you need to. After the legacy burdens workshop last week, it really stuck with me when she said you're not responsible for anyone else's parts just your own.

I'm with notalone - I feel comforted by hugs and blankets 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I always appreciate your hugs. I was really happy you put one in my Journal.   

[Hope67]

31st March 2021
I have been experiencing far more triggers today - and been experiencing many EF's and periods where I am dissociating - and it's been quite tough.  I am feeling like I am having more body pains - my left side of my head, and that hurts. 

Also, at night I have been experiencing my different parts meeting together, and being far more active - plus I've been able to see visual things at night-time - both in my mind's eyes when I have my eyes closed, and also if I open them - I can still see things in the darkness.  I am thankfully not scared by these anymore.  This contrasts with the past when I used to be quite freaked out by that.  I am calmer, and I just allow whatever is shown to me to be shown.  It doesn't necessarily make sense to me though.  The things I see - but they are just moving scenes, blurring one into another.

I had very vivid dreams last night too - I can't bring myself to write the content here.  I woke, and I went to make a cup of tea for me and my partner, and ended up having what I think was a panic attack downstairs.  My heart was racing a lot.  I had to sit down, and calm myself.  It took a while.  I felt a bit sick and nauseous, but it passed. 

I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.  Bach, if you happen to read this, I meant to write in your journal something - but I've been feeling a bit 'all over the place' and didn't remember or didn't do that.  But thank you for everything you write, and I wish I had written something in your journal - sending you a hug 

My partner has been expressing some concern for me lately, but I know it's because he's worried for me.  He doesn't like to see me experiencing more emotion on the surface, but he is supportive, and caring, and we've been able to talk about things, and I've been sharing my thoughts and feelings with him.  That's helpful.

I've been finding things that others have been writing in the forums to be really helpful.  I wish I was more responsive to them directly, and maybe I will be in the coming days.  But I'm not going to put any extra demands on myself. 

This next few days feels tough, as there's Easter weekend coming up, and that feels like a challenge in many ways - it often feels like one of those times when 'families' feel they should be in contact, and of course in an estranged scenario, that makes it feel more challenging.

I realise my language in this writing is stilted, and that's a result of my frazzled brain at the moment.  But I am ok.

Notalone, Dollyvee and Blueberry - thank you so much for writing in my journal - it really helped me to see your writings and what you said.  I read them at the time, and felt comforted by what you each said - so thank you.   

** Potential TW - not sure what I'm going to say.
I had more body memories at night last night - there was a pain in my side - the left hand-side.  My head (left half) also painful.  When I feel those I think it's my non-verbal younger parts communicating with me.  It's like they're stabbing me to get my attention. 

Just sat for a while, couldn't think of what to say.  I'll stop writing now.

Hope 

[Hope67]

1st April 2021
I feel glad that it's April today.  Leaving March behind - it was a tough month for me.  I hope that April will be better.  I feel that it will be better.  I have some optimism for that. 

My nighttime experiences were better last night.  I didn't have many visual things going on, and actually went to sleep relatively quickly.  I did dream vividly, but I can't remember the content of the dream this time. 

I am doing something social later today.  I have mixed feelings about that, but I am feeling some excitement and good thoughts about it, so that's nice to feel that today.

Hope 

[owl25]

Hope, I hope the social time was positive yesterday. 

[Bach]

 

[Not Alone]

 

[dollyvee]

Hope you enjoyed your time out 

[Blueberry]

 

[Alter-eg0]

Hope you had a good time!