Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

Started by Hope67, January 06, 2021, 01:23:29 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Hope67

Hi Owl, Bach, Notalone, Dollyvee, Blueberry & Alter-EgO,

Thank you all so much  :grouphug: 

***********
10th April 2021
It's been a few days since I was here, but I have popped in now and then - and I felt very grateful for the hugs and replies here, they meant a lot to me.  Thank you.   :hug:

I really want to start writing more of the processes I'm going through at the moment, and the changes I've noticed, but somehow I find it hard to start to consider what to write about it, and that holds me back.  But I do want to write more about the processes.  Maybe I'll manage to do that, if I write it as my intention today. 

What comes to mind at this moment is something that Woodsgnome had written recently, about Bibliotherapy - and I related to that a lot - I have tended to read so many books over the past few years - and right now, I've even got a couple by Carolyn Spring that I've not started reading yet, as I don't feel able to start them...  Not sure why - I think part of me is a bit scared about it.  I am reading things that Janina Fisher has written, because I relate to that so much.  I related also to Carolyn Spring, but I feel I need Janina's method and way of working at the moment, and I feel like reading her work is like having her as my own therapist.  I feel like my parts are beginning to trust her, and that I am beginning to be better able to communicate with my own parts - but it's taking a long time, and has taken a long time.  But that's ok.

I've also been doing the 8 day challenge that was set by Nick Ortner which is about Tapping.  I've managed to do it every day except one day - and I think it is helping me.  I am thankful to Bach for finding out about that app from Bach. 

Regarding my dreams, I've been dreaming a lot more lately - more vivid, and I think maybe a teenage or young adult part is involved in those dreams, as they are vastly different from the dream content I'm used to!  I've been really surprised, but I'm ok with it.  I feel as if I'm communicating with older parts of myself currently.

But I don't forget the younger parts, I am trying to be there for any and all parts.  Trying to ensure I communicate a few times in each day, and I am considering any thought, feeling, body sensation as a potential communication from parts (as per Janina's directions), and I'm beginning to try internal communications tentatively.  It's going ok.

I've been over-eating though!  Comfort eating regularly.  Putting on weight as a result, and I don't like that.  I'd like to lose some weight. 

Glad to have written something today. 

Hope  :)

woodsgnome

I hope, Hope (unintended word coincidence, they just spilled out that way), that it's alright to share a  :hug:.

If I was to elaborate on my 'style' of what my T calls Bibliotherapy, I'd probably add in the term 'Free Lance' -- making for Free Lance Bibliotherapy. All that really means is that while I focus on certain topics, authors, or specific books at a time, I also roam a bit, diving in here, there, and potentially everywhere. This is probably similar to your wanting to get to Spring's material, but not right now. My reading happens the same way -- intentions, starts and stops, etc.

Without getting wordy about that, I will get quickly to the point. I've only realized it recently, but I'm beginning to notice more and more how this forum fits well within my Free Lance Bibliotherapy. Here on OOTS I find so much richness and beauty here, along with lots that is instructive, inspirational, and on occasion a bit overwhelming, reflecting the sadness and anger that can seek to disrupt our yearnings for peace. These are important aspects of why I do all this reading in the first place.

I've noticed there's a deep tone and resonance to yours that speaks volumes about finding ways forward with grace and humility. I'd better stop -- this is your journal, but I wanted to tell you that. I'm sure others here probably respond in kind with your writing as well as with others. So I guess the most appropriate way to end this is with this hearty  :grouphug:

dollyvee

 :hug:

I too find it good to check in even if I'm not writing much, or busy. Reading about other's experiences (as I relate a lot to what you all say) is very grounding.

I am reading a lot right now too - will look up Bibliotherapy. Find that sometimes things just resonate and I want to know more. don't know if this is maybe a part distracting me but I guess it's good for me (and Jeff Bezos).

Hope67

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts and comments about Bibliotherapy and also your kind words - they mean a lot - and I welcome the hugs too - thank you  :hug: :grouphug:  I read what you said yesterday and it made me feel quite optimistic about many things, and I needed to feel that. 

I've just read the poem that you shared by David Whyte ( hope I got his name right) - over in 'The Secret Garden' thread, and it was so apt and a beautiful poem. 

I really like the fact you do 'free lance' bibliotherapy, because that is very similar to how I approach things - I can gravitate to things that I see, and go by a gut instinct sometimes, as well as on recommendations of things by people I feel like I trust.  Very thought provoking - the things you discussed.  Intentions, starts and stops.  Sometimes things align up, and othertimes they don't, but it's like a stream ebbing and flowing, and I see that in the garden - it always flows and brings optimism most-times.  There have been some muddy moments also of course. 

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I agree with you - it's very grounding reading what other people write - it's great that you're also reading a lot at the moment.

*************
12th April 2021
I ended up having a phone call in the middle of writing the above things, and of course, my brain is off-line - in terms of being triggered by the phone call and I am aware I'm not able to process things right now.  I need to go and centre myself again. 

The phone call was unexpected, but helpful.

It's put me off my train of thought though!!! 
Hope  :)

Hope67

17th April 2021
I was going to write something, but I got distracted reading other journals, and now I'm here, I know I need to do some cooking, but I will write a couple of lines to remind me of what I wanted to talk about here, and maybe I'll get chance to come back later to write more:

tinnitus getting worse - stress related
worrying about not holding my emotions (little parts) and them spilling out for others to see
de-realization happening more frequently lately
dreams more vivid and content very realistic/adventurous

Must go now.
Hope  :)

dollyvee

I don't know if it's appropriate for me to say, but one of the most difficult cultural differences I find living in England as a Canadian, is the feeling like I'm not able to express what you feel or say what's on my mind. Even more so because of my upbringing where I wasn't allowed to do that and it was detrimental. So, having to live through that again is tricky and sometimes upsetting. My feeling is it's not the healthiest thing to do.

Hope you made something yummy  :hug:

Blueberry


Tee

 :hug: Hope I'm there with you stress is high right now. Parts exposed and and consequences pending.  I feel your worry and am here for you. :hug:

Hope67

22nd April 2021
I was just re-reading the notes I'd written when I was last here in my Journal, dated 17th April - and I found it interesting to notice that I wrote 'worrying about holding my emotions (little parts)' and it makes me wonder about the fact that I have ended up having different parts of myself holding onto emotions that might have been censored or 'not allowed' in my FOO.  Things that weren't considered appropriate to express, and therefore were buried and stored in the different parts of myself.  Anyway, just wanted to write that - whilst I remember it...

I am grateful to you, Dollyvee for sharing your thoughts about the cultural differences you've experienced, and noticing  that certain expressions of emotion also felt detrimental to express - and how that is not the healthiest thing to do.  I agree with that for sure!  (I can't remember if I made something yummy - but I hope I did...   ;D

Hi Blueberry, Thank you so much for those hugs, I appreciated them very much  :hug: :hug:

Hi Tee, I really felt supported by what you wrote, it's helped to carry me through this past few days, it's been a bit tougher than normal for me, but I'm doing ok.  I was thinking of you too, and especially on Tuesday morning, as I know you had your meeting - I really hope you're ok.   :hug: :hug:  I want to check in on other people's journals, but just now I'm not going to, as I have many things I have to do later today - so I'm just writing this here, but I am thinking of you as well.

************
So, it's the 22nd April and I've had quite a triggering time of things - there has been a lot more things going on in my life, and I've been dealing with quite a few things.  Consequently I have been experiencing 'ups' and 'downs' with regards to my emotional reactions to things, and I've experienced a lot of EF's - but the difference for me currently is that I'm able to notice when I'm experiencing those things, and also notice more the triggers, and what has been particularly good is that I can come out of the EF's quicker, through getting my brain 'online' again by telling myself I'm triggered, that I'm safe (thinking of Notalone now, as she wrote such a great example of her own situation recently, and the things she said to cope, and it was helpful to think 'I'm safe' - I used that and tried to calm my different parts, who were triggered and upset at the time).

I've been trying to tackle my over-eating too - which I've managed to do by making strict rules for myself about not eating extra snacks, and only eating at meal-times.  I've been feeling hungrier as a result though.  It's harder.  But I am beginning to lose some weight, and I feel relieved about that.  I was finding that things had got out of control, and I was over-eating too much, and not feeling good as a result.  I do feel better for cutting it down, and getting some semblance of control over it.  But I do 'feel more' emotions too - as well as feeling the hunger.  So that's interesting.

There's part of me that is annoyed at me - whilst I'm writing this.  I recognise that that part is telling me that I should 'be careful what I'm writing' and check what I've written, maybe even change it, but I am going to say - NO, I need to write sometimes and not feel I need to double check what I say, that what I am writing now, it doesn't need to be perfect or careful or tippy toes about - I can just write something, and that's ok. 

I had some night terrors this week, in particular a couple of days ago, I did a horrible piercing scream that shocked my partner, and then I was really worried for his health and well-being, as it was a particularly bad one.  I woke myself - I have partial memories of it.  My parts are a lot more active at night, that's what I've noticed, and I get quite a lot of numb tingling tongue experiences, and notice that I'm 'switching' - that's how it feels.  Not sure if I can express the experience properly, but I know what I mean by it.

My tinnitus peaked and was really bad, but I've been trying to calm myself and I've found that I'm not noticing the tinnitus quite so much, it has also calmed in the last day.  I am relieved.

I nearly got to the point where I was considering seeing a doctor, but then I got very anxious - because I have a fear of seeing the doctor.  Anyway, I think I am not going to need to go, I think I'm coping ok. 

Hope  :)

Alter-eg0

Hi Hope,

Feeling more can be pretty scary sometimes, but also very rewarding. Nowadays, sometimes when I feel really sad or angry or whatever, I catch myself just being really greatfuil that I can feel it at all. It makes life a lot more interesting, and in some ways easier to cope with when you're actually getting the information (emotions).

Sounds like you're making awesome steps. Noticing EF's and triggers sooner and managing to get "Back online" sooner, is progress for sure.

Take Care

Armadillo

It's really hard to not self-censor! Especially if you have parts that want you to not speak or feel. It sounds like you are doing a really good job noticing triggers and flashbacks as you go through this tough period and that is super important isn't it? But I'm sad that you are going through a lot of challenges right now. I hope they level off soon and you can process everything in relative peace.

Hope67

Hi Alter-eg0,
I really like what you said about life being more interesting 'feeling more' - I do relate to that.  Thank you for your reply. 

Hi Armadillo,
Thanks so much for what you said.  I am actively working on trying to notice the triggers, as they are often difficult to pinpoint, but I'm getting there.

**********
23rd April 2021
This morning I wrote the words 'Realisations about Parts' on a notebook on my desk - so I'm putting it here too, incase I lose that note.  I do want to try to write more about some of the 'realisations' I've been having about my different parts.  That's an intention, and I hope to realise it...!  Wow, an attempt at humour there - now I'm wondering whether I am writing this as my 'self' or as another part.  I do feel like my 'self' at this moment.

Definitely feel like I'd like to edit that paragraph - but I'm trying to just 'write as I think' and that way allow myself to just 'be' - whatever happens. 

I've been wondering how to convey the different parts and their thought processes, and wonder whether to use italics sometimes to differentiate between them, or maybe colours, not sure if I can work out how to change the colour of the type ink on the screen.  Infact, not even sure how to do italics.  But I feel sure I can hopefully work it out. 

I had to take a break from doing some of my reading - Janina Fisher's work - but I hope to get back to it again. 

One of the factors that has caused me a lot of stress in recent days is the fact that one of my FOO members (whom I have been estranged and NC from for a few years has been attempting to re-gain contact, and that, coupled with the death of another FOO member (whom I was also estranged from) has caused me and all my smaller parts to be really stressed out and triggered.  Then I've had more things happening that I need to deal with, and I've realised how challenging that is when my brain is struggling due to the EF roller-coaster - BUT as my partner pointed out to me, I have actually coped with many of those things ok - i.e. I've been taking phone calls, sorting some things that involve a lot of paperwork and such like.

I think part of my worry about writing things here, is that my FOO member who is trying to contact me will see it, and then read my journals, and recognise me, and I just feel such intense shame about even writing about my experiences.  But yet, I've written SO much, when I look at what I've written in this forum.  But I'm glad I have written it - at the same time, as it has been a salvation to be able to come and write and know that others understand.  It is so supportive, and I value it.

Have been sitting wondering whether to edit or erase anything, but I've committed to just writing what comes to mind, and I'm going to therefore leave it as it is.  I have to keep reminding myself that I've not actually done anything wrong, and I shouldn't feel ashamed if I write anything.  At the end of the day, I have a right to live my life and feel feelings, and express myself.  So that's what I'm doing.   

Hope  :)

Not Alone

Quote from: Hope67 on April 23, 2021, 07:31:57 AM
Have been sitting wondering whether to edit or erase anything, but I've committed to just writing what comes to mind, and I'm going to therefore leave it as it is.  I have to keep reminding myself that I've not actually done anything wrong, and I shouldn't feel ashamed if I write anything.  At the end of the day, I have a right to live my life and feel feelings, and express myself.  So that's what I'm doing.   
Hope  :)

Good for you!!!    :cheer:       :cheer:       :cheer:

Blueberry


Jazzy

Hi Hope! I'm sorry things have been difficult for you lately. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot!  :hug:

You're doing a great job though, being very aware of what is happening with your mind and body, and putting a lot of effort in to bettering them both. Good work!

I relate to you feeling afraid and ashamed to write and being "found out" by someone in your FOO. That's totally understandable. Despite those feelings, it was very good for me to write everything I did. It really helped with my healing. It sounds like the same is true for you too, so I hope you keep it up! It's really important for us to be able to express ourselves, and our journal's here is a place that is safe.

As for changing the font colours and decoration like italics, that can all be done with the buttons above the text box. I'm sure you can work out something to your liking with a bit of experimenting. When you click one of the buttons, it puts code in the text box for you. It's a little bit complicated if you're not used to it, but I'm sure you will figure it out. For example, when you click the "I" button for italics, it puts something like this (without the .) [.i][./i], in the text box and all the words you type between the "tags" (the boxes, like this []) will be italicized.

[.i]This would be in italics if the . was removed from the boxes! [./i]

I hope this helps! It's probably easiest for you to just click the buttons and see what happens though, that's what works best for me anyway!

Keep up the good work, and I hope you're feeling better soon!