Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences regarding your feelings about your mother, and her death.  I relate to things you said there very much.  Carrying guilt around, I definitely tend to do that.  Feeling as if I was responsible for things that happened etc. 

I am so glad you shared what you said, and thank you.  Also for saying that I'm allowed my boundaries, as I do need that validation.  My partner did the same thing today, and said I can make my own choices about things, and that's a very freeing way to think about things, as things can get bound up in 'oughts' and 'shoulds' and what people think are demands of society.



Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope - it makes me feel good that you related to what I shared. There are a lot of oughts and shoulds. I know when I've put my boundaries up in the past my grandmother has called me a "princess." People don't like things when the interaction changes and they are forced to look at themselves and/or it's no longer easy for them. Or they become lovey and fill you with praise to bring you closer, making the guilt ten times worse and having you question what you're doing.

With boundaries, I feel like I'm listening to myself and not shutting out other peoples' concerns etc, but doing what I need to do for myself (as long as it's reasonable etc). 

It's great you have such a good support system in your husband as well 

[Bach]

Hi, Hope    I just wanted to say that I'm glad you found my writing about tapping helpful.  In general I have found tapping to be helpful and worth doing, but I also at times had difficult reactions to it.  The Tapping Solution app strongly pushes doing meditation sessions every single day, but I have backed off from trying to do that, because it gets to be too much for me and then it is counterproductive.  So I check myself, and if I feel I need something but am not up to doing formal meditations, sometimes I will tap through the points without intentionally focussing on anything.  Also, sometimes I tap just on the side of my hand and that is calming in a small way.  I do that a lot when I am anxious riding in the car either because of bad weather or because My Person is cursing and yelling at other drivers.  I wish he wouldn't do that, but there are a lot of crazy drivers around here and I've come to understand that venting like that when other drivers scare him is how he stays calm and focussed on driving safely.  Also, if you haven't tried it, there's a very short (under 5 minutes) meditation on the Tapping Solution app called "Tap And Breathe" that I really like for recentering myself if I'm having trouble dealing with feelings that come up during other sessions.  I usually do that one three times in a row, and wish they had a longer one, but even just doing it once helps.  I hope you have a good day and don't mind the unsolicited advice!

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I am glad I have my partner's support and love, he is a great support.  So are people here in this forum.  I like what you wrote about boundaries, it makes sense.   

Hi Bach,
Thank you so much for sharing those further thoughts on tapping - I appreciate the fact you took the time to do that, and I will have a look at the app you mentioned, and I'll also try that 'tap and breathe' 5 minute session.  I've not tried the app, so I need to look out for it.  Tapping Solution app - just writing it again, so I remember.  Thanks for the hug, and sending one to you 

**********
5th March 2021
I feel calmer in myself this morning.  I slept ok last night.  I am relieved, as I had worried that night terrors were re-starting, but I had been trying to create a calming environment at bedtime and speaking to my inner parts, and telling them that we're all safe, so maybe that has helped to calm all parts of myself for nighttime. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Sounds like your parts are helping Hope 

[Blueberry]

I had been trying to create a calming environment at bedtime and speaking to my inner parts, and telling them that we're all safe, so maybe that has helped to calm all parts of myself for nighttime. 

Good job, Hope! It does sound as if that was/is the correct action for you. 

[Not Alone]

Hope, this is about the fifth time that I've come back to your journal. Since I keep loosing my thoughts, I will just give a hug for now. 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee, Blueberry and Notalone,
I appreciate what each of you said, and thanks 

************
9th March 2021
I'm here, and was going to write, but now I've got here, I find I can't think of what I want to write about, or what to say, so I'll come back another time. 
Hope 

[Hope67]

I am feeling very sad today.  Lethargic, sad, and it's a difficult day.  But I'm trying to sit with the feelings, and let them be, rather than stuff them away or distract from them.  It's not like I haven't been doing anything today - I have done some things, and that's been ok.  I am just finding it tough. 

My ear is experiencing some tinnitus today as well, and that's been annoying me. 

I think watching the Meghan Markle interview and hearing all the discussions about that - especially issues about her estrangement from her father, it's been triggering me - I also feel that any people I know will want to talk about it, and I don't want to talk about estrangement - I feel like I want to defend myself, and not speak to any of them, to protect myself.

I feel like there are lots of judgements from society about things.  I don't like that, but know it's human nature, and we all do it.  Myself included.  But I still don't really like that aspect at this moment in time.

Glad to hear written something here, anyway, as just writing it is making me feel a little less despairing. 

I shall make a cup of tea and sip it.
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're feeling sad right now, Hope. It sounds like you're doing well with trying to process it, and hopefully it will pass soon.

I agree with you, it's difficult with all the discussions and judgment in society. I'm not sure if it's the best approach, but I try to stay away from it as much as I can. I totally get not wanting to talk with people about it.

Good you have written something helpful, and hopefully your tea helps as well.  if you would like. Take care.

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, Hope, and sending you a .

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy, Thank you so much for what you said, it's very supportive and much appreciated.  Thanks for the hug as well.   

Hi Snowdrop, Thank you and sending you a hug also -    I appreciate your thinking of me.  It definitely helped. 

***********
19th March 2021
I have struggled the past few days, although in some ways I've been doing ok.  I've tackled a few things that have been challenging for me, and I've managed to cope ok with them.  I feel a dilemma that I feel like I would benefit to talk through some things, but my hypervigilant more worried parts are not keen for me to share things at the moment, so I've felt like I can't write things.

I realise it's because I have different parts who feel different ways about things, and there are therefore dilemmas for my going on with normal life part to negotiate.

I also have the difficulty that my M - from whom I am estranged - has sent me a couple of communications.  I have chosen not to respond, because I made the decision some years back now, that I am estranged and therefore NC (no-contact).  The fact she has been trying to re-establish contact doesn't surprise me, but it makes parts of me feel like I'm being stalked.  Literally, that feeling comes to mind.

Going through Mother's Day in the UK has been challenging in these circumstances, but I'm through it and it's coming towards the time when the clock's will change and April will be here, and I think that will be better!

I've written more than I thought I'd be able to - so that's good.  I felt like I wasn't able to write anything here for a few days - I came here, but struggled to write.  I've written now.  That's good.  It's re-establishing my link here, and I must remember it's a safe place to be and to write.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hello Hope,

I've been through a bit of a rough patch too and I have the feeling I haven't been responding to other mbrs on the forum much. So I just want to take the time now to send you some 

I'm sorry that your NC is not being respected atm. I imagine that must be really hard. I'm really sorry it makes you or parts of you feel as if you're being stalked.

I know that you sometimes can't really write at all so I'm glad for you that you did manage this time and I hope that's eased things for you a bit. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

I think it's stressful when you are faced with contact from someone you've put a boundary up with. For me, I know it makes me question myself and that's pretty distressing.

Just going to leave a hug here if you would like one 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that parts feel like you're being stalked. That sounds scary.