Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi Armadillo,

I think that is my favourite too - and I have re-read it about three times now, and I get more out of it each time I read it.  I have just been looking at resources regarding Janina Fisher, as you asked about the other things she's written, and this is very useful:

https://janinafisher.com/resources

I shall be looking through those over the weekend, as I hadn't realised how much she's written - quite a few articles and pdfs, I think. 

I have recently bought her book that she wrote with Pat Ogden about Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and I wrote a few notes about that book in the section in the forum that is entitled 'Books' - I am sure it will take me quite a while to get through the book, as it's a lengthy one, but I think it will be really useful.  I am looking forward to it - although I am also aware that I need to take it slowly, as there are work-sheets in it, and I'm not always able to commit (i.e. from all my parts) to doing work-sheets.  But I'm going to try.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i echo armadillo's words of recognition and support for what you're going thru.  well done!   

you're making so much progress.  my my, having journeyed along with you for quite a while now, seeing some of your vulnerability as you continue to feel stronger within yourself.  it's so wonderful to see.  i'm very happy for you. i truly am.  much love and hugs filled with strength and courage as you continue on.   

[Armadillo]

Oh worksheets are my Achilles heel, though armadillos don't have Achilles tendons...shoot I've blown my cover!

Thanks for sharing Janina Fisher's resources! I've downloaded a sample of her new book but I am skeptical of my ability to do the worksheets...

Let us know what you think!

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope! I've been thinking of you this morning, and I hope you're doing alright!

I'm glad to hear you've found some new material you are connecting with. It sounds like it has been helpful for you, and that's great. I see that you're making progress with yourself, and that's excellent too!

Something you wrote a little while ago stood out to me:

Interesting, my emotion has gone out of the room, almost immediately

That is interesting! I don't know exactly why this happens, only you can really figure it out (because it's in your mind).

Maybe you acknowledged your feelings, and that was all that was needed.
Maybe your mind hid it from you, because it only wanted to be in your subconscious.

I guess it doesn't really matter why, as long as it isn't harmful to you. I think it's good that you acknowledged it.

All the best with the worksheets, I know those are really difficult. But it's okay if you're struggling to do them right away. Maybe that just means that there is more healing to be done, and maybe the worksheets will even help with that, if you take them slowly.

[Hope67]

I'm keen to reply to what you've each said - hopefully tomorrow.  I've had a lot of things going on last night, and today, but I'm ok. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

12th May 2021

Firstly, thank you to SanMagic, Armadillo and Jazzy for your comments.  I really wanted to say more in my replies to you, but at the moment I am a bit bombarded with various parts of myself and also with things going on, so I will just say 'thank you' and that I appreciate you all very much.   

************
TW as I don't know what I'm likely to say, and that warns me there's something 'triggering' there - at least for me, so best to warn incase...

I am feeling sick inside, because I feel a sense of overwhelm.  So I am going to listen to that as a warning to myself to pace myself better, and maybe step away from online things for a while - I do that sometimes when I get over-whelmed.  I'm not sure I want to say that I'm necessarily taking a break from here though, as I will still want to come here and read things, and I might write too.  But just explaining incase I'm not here as much in the next few days.

I've been having more dreams, and processing a lot more.  I'm finding that there are parts of myself that are standing in the way of my ability to read my books, and I'm wondering whether I need to listen to that reticence and maybe just read something that is more relaxing - maybe a magazine or something rather than ploughing on.

I am regularly interacting/connecting with my 'parts' - but now that I involve them all in things, there can be many more divergent feelings going on, and that's quite tough to handle.  I've found that sometimes I blend with parts, rather than acknowledge them as separate to me - and then I focus on unblending (as per Janina Fisher's suggestions) and that's helpful.

I think there's been older parts of me who have awakened and are communicating with me about their feelings and thoughts about things that happened in my life.

I've also been 'feeling' more things - as well as processing more.

But it's overwhelming sometimes. 

Anyway, that's all I'm saying for now - glad to have written about some of it.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes 'pacing' is the most important aspect in the daily grind to find the peace we need. Perhaps if we give the overwhelm feelings some space all will be fine.

You've been building a lot of strength from within and that can make for a bit of frazzled nerves. Your response to back off a bit is thus a natural part of the process, and needed in order to continue trekking onward, out of the void.

[Hope67]

Thank you Woodsgnome    I appreciate your validation that pacing is what I need to do. 
Hope 

[Jazzy]

Hope, I'm sorry to hear that you've felt sick and overwhelmed. It sounds like you are continuing to make a lot of progress, though. Keep up the good work! Take all the time you need for yourself. You're worth it! Wishing you all the best! 

[Armadillo]

Hi Hope...

I've been wondering how you're doing today. Did the feeling of being overwhelmed get better or worse?

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

overwhelm is a cue to me to take a break, or just indulge myself for a bit in a superficial way, something that feels good to me, like watching tennis or playing games for a bit.  it's almost like a reboot for my mind, a mini-vacation, if you will.  i think this stuff can get seriously intense in a short time, especially as we move toward root sources of our traumas.  those roots can be tough to pull out of the ground, but if we pull too hard they can break, and we have to regroup and come at it a different way.

i think your self-realization and internal warning systems are building, getting stronger, and your awareness is growing, as well as your acknowledgment of what you need to do, or stop doing.  well done!     to me, that's all a sign of progress in your healing.  love and hugs, my dear

[Hope67]

Hi Jazzy, Armadillo & SanMagic,
Thank you for your replies - Armadillo - my feelings wax and wane so frequently, so it's difficult to say whether something is better or worse, I'm doing ok though, and thank you for your question.

************
17th May 2021
I am reading Chapter 6 of the SensoriMotor Psychotherapy book by Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher, and wanted to quote this part from p.114 to remind myself of what it said:

Potential Trigger Warning, and I find the phrase triggering - but not sure what to label it:

"However, orienting exercises involve the physical action of turning the head and neck to look around at various environmental cues, which can be frightening or seriously uncomfortable for those who have long-standing patterns of freezing or collapsing.  Equally, shifting focus from a triggering cue to a neutral or positive one can around hypervigilance and anxiety.  Proceeding slowly and helping clients separate the past from the present will be useful with those who may question the safety of positive feelings and wonder if focusing on something that feels good will make them more vulnerable to danger."

I relate to a lot of what is written there - and the comments about the movement of the neck have made me think a lot.  I rarely like to turn round and look behind me - I also have really uncomfortable thoughts about the image of someone 'cradling my head from behind' - it makes me feel very vulnerable.

I am managing to do some of the worksheets in the book - and I am finding it helpful to do them. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing this quote.  I am taking a yoga training where the lead trainer encourages us to look around the room.  I find it helpful.  I notice that in more stressful environments I don't tend to look around as much and wonder if it would be supportive.

[Armadillo]

Thanks for sharing that passage Hope! It's so validating. My T tried to get me to do the look around orienting and I find it very distressing to turn my head so he is out of my line of sight. I won't do it. I wonder if orienting like that is more helpful to people with PTSD who were caught off guard by an attacker whereas most of us are looking for danger to come from someone in relation to us. Like **** I don't care who's behind me, I need to keep an eye on YOU!

[sanmagic7]

hope, i read your passage, and read the responses to it, and quite honestly, i couldn't make any sense of it at all.  don't know exactly whey.  turning my head is painful, but i don't have a problem doing that particular movement.  it may be my lack of fear in most surroundings that causes such a movement for me to feel differently than others.

thanks for sharing it.  it's something for me to chew on, possibly.  maybe it's just me and the way i'm wired that causes a different response to those words/actions.  don't know.  guess we're all different.  love and hugs, hope