Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Not Alone]

  I care about you.

[Armadillo]

 

I wish you were not hurting so badly right now. We are here when you are ready to write more be it one word, nonsense, or several paragraphs. No judgement no expectations.

[Jazzy]

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry things are difficult. I also know what you mean about the emotions coming up and crying and needing a break.

I think that's good though. I've found tears to be so healing recently, and I hope it is the same for you.

I'm really impressed that you identified you needed a break, and acted to take care of yourself (by taking that break). That's great! 

Jazzy <3

[Libby183]

Hello again Hope.

I just rediscovered my old journal, and just wanted to thank you for all of the lovely, supportive comments you wrote for me in the past.

Hoping you are OK and looking forward to seeing you again when you feel ready.

[Tee]

  sending much love and comfort Hope! Sorry I've been MIA so long I've been struggling too.  Life is hard right now know I'm thinking about you and you're in my heart.  Sending more hugs of comfort  and calm.

[Hope67]

Thank you all for your kind comments, and I really appreciate each and every one of them.  They mean a lot.   

7th July 2021
I was unable to post here for a while, as things were too jumbled and many parts of myself were experiencing different things, and therefore there was such a lot to process and work through.  But, I am glad to be able to write here today.  Actually I feel stronger in myself - even though I have been feeling so many more emotions, and working through so many things.

Some imagery from 'The Secret Garden' came to my mind many times in recent days - when I wasn't able to post, I felt as if I was in a fountain in the centre of the garden, but protected by a massive glass bubble - hence able to see everyone in the garden, and see the plants, animals and people, but unable to interact with any of them.  It was strange to think that - maybe it was representative of dissociation, but I don't know - it's just what came to my mind.

I no longer feel trapped behind the glass bubble though - I feel like I could walk through the garden and interact there now.  So that's positive and I feel freer for that feeling.

Hope 

[Armadillo]

 

Welcome back Hope.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to write, Hope, and I'm glad you're feeling stronger in yourself.

[Tee]

  sending a warm hug to all the parts that want it. Glad your back and feeling stronger.   

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, Hope! I'm glad you're feeling stronger and that you managed to work through difficult things. Way to go! Though of course I'm really sorry you had to deal with those difficult things at all.

That feeling of being stuck behind glass, able to see others but not interact with them - I've had that before too though not recently. I'm glad you're feeling freer now. 

[Snowdrop]

I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.

I know this was a few months ago, Hope, but I want to thank you for posting this. I was wondering if anyone else experienced vaccine flashbacks, and what you've written matches my experience. I even told H that it was like parts felt they were being poisoned. I think I'll quote what you've written in my journal as I found it very helpful.

[Blueberry]

I had my vaccine the other day - it was as if my smaller parts (a couple of them) believed that I was being poisoned, and that I might die.  I really feared I might.  Thankfully I have been ok, but I have felt some side-effects, and my arm has been very sore.  I was helped by seeing that Bach had mentioned experiencing flashbacks as a result of having the vaccine.  I felt less alone with my experiences knowing that.

I know this was a few months ago, Hope, but I want to thank you for posting this. I was wondering if anyone else experienced vaccine flashbacks, and what you've written matches my experience. I even told H that it was like parts felt they were being poisoned.

Hope, I can't remember if I saw and responded to your getting an EF after the vaccine and having a sore arm. I hope I did  in retrospect if not. With the second jab I got a pretty sore arm too and was bit more EF-y than I was the first time around. I didn't have any kind of clear reaction - like feeling as if I was being poisoned, but I know I had a whole traumatic situation around a blood draw as a small child and the vaccination is similar enough to trigger me: needle in arm. So now you know too, Snowdrop. I hope you're feeling better again if your vaccination was recent

[Hope67]

11th July 2021
I am hoping to respond to things people have written to me, but today, I can't focus on much, except that I've been triggered by one of my partner's relatives yesterday and I am still upset about that.  It has really triggered me.  I want to express some angst about it here and this  expresses it very well.

I found the person's behaviour to be extremely judgemental against me - and not understanding - and I feel angry about it.  I've told one of my friends about it, and I wanted to just write something here.  My partner knows how I feel.  He understands.  So does my friend. 

I never share much about my family situation, and so I know my in-law doesn't have much to go on, but I really object to judgemental statements being made.  It makes me angry 

One thing I've noticed is that I am in touch more with 'anger' and 'shame' - and that has been coming up over past weeks.  I've been in touch with many emotions.  I am feeling so much more. 

I really want to catch up properly with everyone here, and I hope to come over to other people's journals in the coming days, but right now - I'm still seething about my in-law's behaviour.   

Interesting, that writing about this has amused another part of myself - possibly a teenage part, who is laughing at the icon showing the    - so maybe I am not so bothered anymore - having written this here. 

Thank you for listening - if you've read this.

Also thank you so much for those of you who have written things in my journal - I do intend to come back to what you wrote, when I'm a bit calmer and able to process things better.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I read your post, Hope. I hope you feel better for writing. I'm glad your partner and friend understand.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Hope!

I'm glad you felt enough energy to write and express the situation. 

One thing I've noticed is that I am in touch more with 'anger' and 'shame' - and that has been coming up over past weeks.  I've been in touch with many emotions.  I am feeling so much more. 

So glad you are "feeling" although I know the feelings are difficult and tough to live through and with. Just want you to know that you've made a lot of progress. I know it doesn't feel "good" but it will lead to a better place.