Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

Started by Hope67, January 06, 2021, 01:23:29 PM

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Hope67

Hi SanMagic, It's good to see you here again, I will be hoping to catch up with your journal again soon.  Thank you so much for the love and hugs, I appreciate them, and I appreciate you and your support so much.  Thank you   :hug:  I think of you on days like today, when it's really hot and sunny, and remember your kind suggestions on how to keep cooler and cope with the heat - you've helped me so much with that.  Plus many other things you've said. 

Hi Armee,  Thank you for that validation, it means a lot to hear that.  Also pointing out I wasn't second-guessing myself too much, that was a realisation I hadn't thought about, but it does make sense, and I am also cheering myself alongside you for noticing that - thank you  :cheer:  Thanks also for the group hug  :grouphug:

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19th July 2021
Coping with the heat - I'm not very good with heat, but I'm doing my best to keep cool and cope. 

Interesting that now I sit here to write something, words have gone again.  But that's ok.  I'll come back when I have words to say.

Hope  :)

Hope67

I am experiencing a lot of anxiety today.  I have managed also to lock myself out of a banking app, and that was down to being in an EF and just not being able to think or put stuff together.  The numbers just went out of my mind, and my brain locked shut.  That's how it felt.  I'm aware that the situation I handled on Sunday was actually really stressful after the event, in that I have ended up really getting mixed feelings from different parts of myself about what happened.  So really, I don't think I've been able to handle it smoothly at all.  But at least I did handle it.

I'm going to try to put together a few notes regarding my feelings, whilst not attributing them to specific parts, just letting them out here - and I think my parts are ok with that, we'll see.

Part of me feels very anxious, frightened and upset about certain things that were said. 
Part of me feels exposed.
Part of me feels worried.
Part of me feels like I did handle things ok, and was proud of me that I did so.

**Trigger warning, mentioning death - but not in actively suicidal way
Part of me is offering me a way out that involves literally dying - that part of me offers that as a solution, but I know that it's not a way out that I or any other parts wish to choose.

Part of me wants me to hide away and not face things.

Part of me has hurt my tummy - I have pains there.
Part of me has hurt my feet.

(These pains are in different places to where I experienced pains previously, it used to be more consistently in my left temple area of my head, and the left side of my head - but now it's focused more on my feet and also my tummy today).

***Further trigger warning as mentioning things that are potentially upsetting/triggering

Whilst I'm able to write things, I want to mention that I've had flashbacks of things - memories from the past (this was in recent weeks) - it was as if I was gritting my teeth hard whilst something was happening that I didn't like.  I can remember the tension (extreme) in my neck and jaw and my teeth biting together, and yet I can't remember what was actually happening to make me do that.  I just know it happened a lot, but I don't know at what age I was, and what was happening. 

I know I will hopefully be able to sort out the bank app by a visit to the bank itself.  But I feel like that's the only way I could handle it, as if I tried to sort it out by phone, I'd end up not being able to remember security questions etc - as my brain would just freeze and I'd be unable to process things or remember things.  I feel helpful in that respect, and it bothers me.  But I recognise it as something I need to handle and deal with.  I will.

There's been so many stressful things going on in my life this past few weeks, and my partner said that stress is high.  He is understanding, and supportive, and we are both stressed by these things.  Hopefully it will be ok, and we're getting through things. 

I've noticed that I'm actually feeling hunger more often in recent days, which is strange as I rarely feel that or know when I'm hungry, but I feel it strongly. 

As I write, I feel tension in my stomach.  But I also notice that I am relaxing a bit as I write these things out here, and that is helping.

Part of me worries about the fact I've written so much, but I feel the need to get it out here, and it's helping me.  So I'm doing it.

:pissed: is how one of the parts is feeling, and as I express that I feel pain in my nose. 

I know that I triggered myself a lot today, not only by what had happened on the weekend, but because I'd been reading some things - and I think I was dissociating and feeling overloaded, and then things felt too much.  But I'm ok.  Writing this out, it's helping. 

Hope  :)

rainydiary

Hope, I read your entry and could relate as I have locked myself out of a banking account and it is a really triggering thing.  I appreciate you articulating all that is coming up.  It made me think "we can hold so much as an individual that is contradictory while each part is important."  I hope that you find ways to give each part what it needs and find some ease for yourself. 

Snowdrop

I'm glad writing it out has helped, Hope. I'm always impressed by the way you listen to your parts and respect them. :hug:

Armee

What you wrote wasn't too much, Hope. Write what is helpful for you and we learn, too from what you are able to write. And I also learn when you respect that you don't have things to write, too.  :grouphug:

Your flashback sounds distressing and I'm sorry you don't know what was happening to you. 😔

And I just want to say I have forgotten bank and work security card passwords often. Anytime my brain is in the "wrong" place when I try to enter a password it just disappears never to return to my memory even when my brain is back into the "right" place. And it is upsetting because it seems to reaffirm this belief that something is wrong with me. So big hugs and I completely relate to not wanting to do it on the phone for fear that you'll blank on more critical information.

Blueberry

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 19, 2021, 06:44:38 PM
I'm glad writing it out has helped, Hope. I'm always impressed by the way you listen to your parts and respect them. :hug:

:yeahthat:

Hope, I forget all kinds of passwords. I always feel embarrassed when I have to ask for a new one from my professional association, though I'm sure the whole system is automated so nobody even notices. Anyway, just want to let you know you're not alone there. I understand that it's upsetting and stressful though, especially as it's your bank account.

Yes! You handled the situation on the weekend :cheer:  Whether smoothly or not. Maybe it was even smooth for the parts of you involved but doesn't feel that way for other parts now? Anyway I think the main part is handling it at all. Smoothly for all parts can come some other time.  :hug:

Please try and be gentle with yourself.  :)

BeeKeeper

Hope,

I wish we could just hang out at a little kitchen table by an open window with white lace type curtains in the afternoon with a gentle breeze blowing through. There would be a pond outside with a couple ducks and frogs nearby. Red-winged blackbirds & scarlet taningers would periodically zoom by.  A faint multicolored rainbow appears in the sky, slowly opening up the gray to it's delightful hues. We both sigh gently.

zanzoken

Hope,

I wanted you to know that I just read your journal for the first time and it's made such a positive impact on me today.  The way you write feels very natural and free and feels soothing to me to read.  I've had a highly stressful day today but getting to know you a bit through your writing has helped calm me down.

I am inspired by how in tune you are with your Self and your parts, and how you are able to identify your emotions, or pains in certain areas of your body.  I also think you show tremendous courage in how you listen to your parts and choose to sit with your feelings, even when they are uncomfortable.

Finally, there was something in particular you wrote that I wanted to mention.

Quote from: Hope67 on June 10, 2021, 09:35:33 AMAnyway, something that helped me in the night was imagining that we are all boats in a sea, and that when one of us gets into difficulties, that the other boats around us can see our distress, and they send out help in the form of an anchor, or they change position to shield the struggling boat from harm.  I imagined that all of us here in Out of the Storm were in those boats, and helping one another.  It was just something that helped me at a certain point in the night.

I just wanted to say that I thought this was a very beautiful analogy, and it made me feel comforted and safe in being part of this community.

Anyway, I hope you are well today.  Here is a hug, if that's something that feels safe and affirming for you.  :hug:

Hope67

Rainydiary  Thank you for relating to my forgetting the bank account password, and it was definitely triggering for me to do that.  You mentioned that 'We can hold so much as an individual that is contradictory while each part is important' and I find that to be a very insightful comment, thank you.   :hug:

Snowdrop Thank you for commenting that I listen to my parts and respect them - that is what I try to do, and I feel like it is getting easier to do over time.  I find it really helpful reading your own process of working with your parts in your journal, I feel you are connecting with yours in ways that are so helpful to see.  :hug:

Armee Thanks for what you said about my flashback.  Also for validating and relating to the forgetting of blanking out regarding passwords and numbers  :hug:

Blueberry Thank you for what you said about not being alone in forgetting passwords.  Also, I found what you said about the situation on the weekend, and that it was smooth for some parts of me that I involved, but doesn't feel that way for other parts now - that's definitely the case, they were not all in agreement about it - it's taken a few days to settle a bit and come to some agreement that it's done, and I also like it that you said "Smoothly for all parts can come some other time" as that gives me hope that there will be times when maybe all parts might be in agreement about something, and harmony might be present for those moments.  I also appreciate you saying about being gentle with myself, and I am trying to do that.  Thank you  :hug:

BeeKeeper I read what you wrote a few times, as it was sooooo relaxing, so lovely, and I felt like I was really there with you in that scene - the kitchen table, the lace curtains, the gentle breeze.  The lovely pond with the frogs and ducks.  Those birds - more exotic than I might normally see - the red-winged blackbirds and scarlet taningers, and the multicoloured rainbow - but the feeling of a friendly presence, that mutual gentle sighing, represented immense understanding, and immense compassion too - thank you  :hug:

Zanoken  Thank you so much for coming into my journal and for sharing your reflections and thoughts.  I really appreciated everything you said, and whilst I was sorry to hear you've had a highly stressful day, I was glad that reading some things in my journal had had a calming effect.  I found your reflections on my interactions with my parts to be helpful to hear - and I am glad you liked the analogy of the boats.  Thank you for the hug, I appreciate that too, and would like to send one back to you as well, if that's ok  :hug:

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22nd July 2021
Thank you so much everyone - your comments and kindness in my journal is really appreciated.   :grouphug:

I feel calmer today.  Whilst I still struggle with the heat, I'm managing to keep hydrated and not overdo things.  I've sorted out my bank account too, and I did that online rather than resorting to going into the bank itself.  It was ok!  I just ensured I had lots of notes written down, and just went slowly through the procedure online, and it was ok.  Thankfully my brain stayed online, to accompany the online process itself.  I was relieved to get things working again.  I am also quite pleased with myself for managing to do that.  It seems like a little thing in some ways, but actually it also feels huge.   :cheer:

I'm going to leave it there, as I am aware if I try to think of other things just now, I might cause myself to leave this happier slot of time, and I have a few things I need to do today that will require me to be focused, so I'm going to just leave it there and have a cup of coffee, and then hopefully attend to the things I need to do. 

Hope  :)

Hope67

I just saw something that BeeKeeper wrote in Arnee's journal, and I found it so inspiring, that I am trying to copy and quote it here in my own Journal - I hope it works, as I've not tried to do that before, but:
Quote from: BeeKeeper on July 21, 2021, 11:26:45 PM


You're waiting for all your parts to connect.  :grouphug: they're coming.......

I hope that works ok.  I found that quote so helpful and so positive that I felt I needed it here in my Journal - so thanks to BeeKeeper and to Armee.

Hope  :)

Armee

It is definitely huge that you were able to keep your brain online to complete the bank account task. I just relate so much. It makes me feel pretty sad but also helps me remember how huge it actually is watching my husband without any childhood trauma knock out tasks without any problem. We are going through life with a pretty massive impairment and its invisible to almost everyone. So good job Hope! Little but big.

I found Bee's comment really helpful too and also something I'm having to think about a lot because I'm still confused about parts and connections and I know that my biggest challenge is in connecting brain and body and especially just accessing whatever is happening in my brain.

sanmagic7

hope, it sounds like you're really doing well at staying focused and prioriizing.  great job! :applause:  you've come so far, it's just lovely to see. 

be careful in the heat.  don't forget electrolytes if you're sweating a lot (that's my go-to suggestion from my time in the mexican desert).  so glad for your accomplishment with the bank stuff.  you're turning into a regular mover and shaker, my dear!  yay!!!  love and hugs :hug:

Hope67

Hi Armee Yes, it's definitely an issue to contend with isn't it.  Thanks for your support and saying how you relate to that.  Yes, BeeKeeper's comment is so helpful.  I really relate to what you said about being confused about parts and connections.  I find it difficult to write about the processing of those things - hence I don't really manage to do it very often - but over time, I've been making some progress in recognising and differentiating some of my parts, and also listening to them, and interacting with them (sometimes) now.  I'm noticing some benefits to having done that - and hence I'm continuing to try to process and focus on things. 

Hi SanMagic Thank you, you spoke of my staying focused and prioritizing, and it's nice to see that description.  Thank you  :hug:   Yes, I've been careful in the recent heat - I didn't need the electrolytes this time, but I have some sachets of them ready incase.  I remember your 'go-to' suggestion from your time in the mexican desert.  Mover and shaker, I like that - and thanks for the love and hugs  :hug:

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27th July 2021
I'm not sure what I'm going to write - I'll just see what comes out.  I realise that nighttime is a time when my parts sometimes (actually quite often) hijack and enter my body and drive my bus (I'm not going to edit what I write - but I already feel that's a weird way to put it, but one of my parts likes that description and it's apt for how it feels) - and in particular the distressed and terrorised part of myself often shows me the emotions that accompany her fears, in those moments when she's in my body - and I feel it acutely and strongly - BUT I'm no longer reacting in the way I used to - not sure what I used to do in reaction to that, but I basically NOW sit with the feeling - try to notice and be curious about it, and also try to talk to that part of myself, and tell her that I can see her presence (i.e. I'm aware of her presence) and I care about how she feels. 

I've been trying to always remember to communicate with all my parts when I'm first lying in bed, at the start of the night's sleep, and telling them I'm pleased that the day has passed, and checking in with them, and how they're doing.  I also try to do that in the daytime too.

Yesterday, I was reading Carolyn Spring's book 'Unshame' (which I thankfully found and have been reading the past few days, on and off) - it's been incredibly emotional - I relate completely to things she says, I feel like she's got such similar experiences to me, in terms of how her parts are, how she interacts with them, and I feed off the interactions she has with her therapist in her book - I feel as if me and my parts are having therapy with that same therapist, and it feels therapeutic to read that book - so much.  The chapter (possibly Chapter 2) which is about Dissociation - it made me cry a lot - or it made part of my cry.   So many, infact every chapter is relevant and helpful, and I am grateful that Carolyn wrote about her experiences and shared them in the way she has.  It is so helpful.

I've tried to pace myself, as it's had a knock-on effect in my life and reactions - I've been in tears and expressing angst and various things to my partner, and I was able to talk about a lot of things with him, and he was supportive, and I am so grateful that he is understanding.  I know it's not easy to discuss so many difficult issues - but the fact we've been able to face them in the room, and talk - it's precious to have done that.

Part of me wants me to re-write this, edit it, change words - is annoyed about what I've written.  But I say, please it's ok.  I think it's ok to write this.  That part shrugs and lets me keep it here.  That's good.

I've written enough for now.  I'll leave it there.

Hope  :)

Libby183

Hi Hope.

I've been very interested in your thoughts about shame. It really is such a core feeling, isn't it? It is probably one of the main things that has controlled my entire life. I wonder if you feel the same.

I have an elderly female friend who also has, we suspect, cptsd. She passed on the book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. I don't think it's a particularly good, or well thought of book, but it helped both of us see how much of a role shame plays in our lives.

Armee

I'm glad you didn't erase what you wrote. The things you wrote are worthwhile, important to you, and helpful to me and others here.

I'm feeling like I should read that book, and probably will now after reading what you wrote here.

It's really so important that you were able to share so much with your partner and that they were able to be there with you. I'm glad that you have that support in your life.  :hug: