Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much   

********
26th August 2021
Recently I have been selling some items, and it's involved phone calls, and meetings with people, and that's been stressful for me, BUT I've managed to do it, and I've also managed to sell my items for reasonable prices, and feel good about that.

I'm trying to set some boundaries for myself regarding my relationships with some people (not mentioning who they are, as embarrassed to be trying to carve out boundaries with them).  It's not easy to do that, but I think it's necessary. 

I've finished reading the book about 'Nurturing Attachments' - I found it very emotional to be on the final page of that book, and the triggering aspects of any kind of ending brought strong emotions to the fore. 

I've had more nighttime issues happening - it's like some of my parts think I'm not very well, and then it panics them.  It's hard to sometimes keep myself rational to know that it's their fears, and not infact that I am unwell.  I am ok in the daytime! 

Remembering some feelings from last night, I felt as if there was a tight band around my middle, just under my ribs, and that was frightening.  My partner said I was restless and talking in my sleep quite a lot last night.  Maybe selling things, and making changes with my relationships (boundaries) is more stressful than I realise.  I know it is - but somehow it doesn't always feel significant.

There was quite a bit written about shame in the Nurturing Attachments book - I might have another look and maybe share some notes in the 'shame' area - so writing myself a note to remember to do that (providing it still feels like something I want to do).

There's a part of me just now who is urging me that I'm over explaining myself, and why do I do that.  It's annoying another part of myself. 

A younger part of me wants to remind me of something that Bach wrote recently that had really touched her emotions - Bach had spoken about her younger self and described some things about how she felt, and it resonated so strongly with a young part of myself.  I wanted to say that to Bach, but felt unable to do so - so now I'm just writing it here to remind myself that maybe that younger part will allow me to pop over to Bach's journal sometime and share that with her. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i have really come to appreciate the idea of boundaries, especially with people i'm close to.  my D and i have some in place, put there from the beginning, and as we continue living together, we discover, every so often, another subject/word/trigger that needs to be eliminated.  for me, it's all about respect - respect for ourselves and respect for others.  i give you a lot of credit for looking into this in your own relationships.   

those kinds of changes, especially with relationships, i have found to be quite stressful, actually.  more so, as you mentioned, than i might realize at the time.  like you, i don't always tend to think what's happened is significant, so i kind of brush it away at the time.  but, yep, it'll come back to upset me in some way, shape, or form.  keep going - i think you're making wonderful progress.  love and hugs, my dear.

[BeeKeeper]

Hello Hope 

Selling stuff, contact with strangers, money negotiations, boundary formation..just one of those would be plenty. Taken together that's a lot of new information and feelings to process.

Setting boundaries always seems to cause an avalanche of running commentary in my brain. Should I, did I, were they? Whatever; always assessing, guarding, replaying. I'm glad you're taking action because sometimes it's the ones closest to us that need it the most. When I've always behaved a certain way and "let" others "get away" with violations, it usually comes down to fear. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is, in the long run, it's worth it the effort and temporary consequences.

Uh oh. Now I'm going to look into Nurturing Attachments. Intuitively I know it might be too early for me, but will keep it in mind. Your recommendations hit the spot.

I also read Bach's journal post. I didn't feel comfortable in posting but I admire the courage it took to write and share it. I'm still encountering quite a bit of silence and resistance from my younger parts, they just give me feeling vibes without words so far. I like the thought of your younger part sharing something with Bach's young part. It's really hard to be alone and in pain.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I appreciated you sharing about how you have come to appreciate the idea of boundaries, and mentioning respect, that's a trait that is really needed.  Thanks also for the love and hugs, and sending some love and hugs to you too 

Hi BeeKeeper,
Wow, when you put those things in a list like that - 'selling stuff, contact with strangers, money negotiations, boundary formation' - I agree it's a LOT, and I hadn't given myself sufficient time to do any of those things justice - they happened in a rush really, and it's been tough to process the feelings.  I also related very much to your description of 'avalanche of running commentary', as that definitely has happened on a few occasions.  I haven't identified what the issue is for me, in terms of whether it's 'fear' or something else - I'm not sure.  I am not very good at identifying my emotions and feelings.    Thanks for the hug, and sending one to you also 

***********
31st August 2021
It's the end of Summer today, meteorologically, and Autumn is due to start.  I like Autumn, so that will be a nice season hopefully for me.  I've written some aims for September, which I hope to achieve.  Just a few things jotted down to try to do. 

Potential Trigger Warning, as mentioning CSA, though nothing graphic at all.

I'm reading another book I got from the library, it's called 'Safeguarding Children and Young People: Child Protection 0-18 years' by Jennie Lindon.  This is proving to be really interesting, as it looks at some real life cases of child abuse, and also has case histories and examples and how child protection officers, social workers mainly, are trained, with easy to understand descriptions of things they consider and how they consider them.  It's proving to be powerful for my understanding, and has been triggering quite a few flashback memories from my childhood, and thoughts about my own feelings as a child at different ages.  So I think this is useful so far, but it is also causing me to experience some intense feelings.  I'm trying to pace myself. 

I just want to quote a couple of things, that really really struck a chord with some inner parts of myself,
"Children are not the possessions of their parents.  Parents have responsibilities for their children, not absolute rights."
A young part of myself wanted me to write that in my journal.

Another section:
"Neglectful practitioners, who work alone or unsupervised, may target one or more children through the same twisted logic used by abusive parents: The child is badly behaved and does not deserve care.  The withdrawal of basics like food may be justified as a punishment."
This is something a part of me relates to, in terms of a situation I don't want to write further about, but I just wanted to note the sentence here, as I promised that part of myself that I would do that in my journal.

As I scan this book just now to look for other things I want to share in my journal, I realise I really want to put some things related to CSA, but I feel a lot of shame and a lot of stuff that is non-verbal (i.e. my throat fills up, and constricts) and there's one particular paragraph I read, which I feel I need to keep hold of, as I related a lot to it.  Where to put it?  I think I'll put it here:

Trigger Warning - Mentioning CSA

"Other Sexual abusers
Some adult sexual abusers are also in a sexual relationship with another adult, or have been in the past.  These abusers seem to target children and young adolescents because they are available or easier to intimidate.  What seems to happen is that that such abusers, mainly men, turn to children or under-age young people when they feel under stress or rejected in their adult relationship.  They find children - their own, stepchildren or children of friends - less threatening and justify their abuse on the grounds that they are not harming the child, or that the child sought and welcomed their form of affection."

(I felt sick writing that, and feel floaty and dissociated kind of feelings, and my partner has just come into the house, so I need to go now - but I wanted to write that. 

I try to think of why my abuser did what he did.  Why I didn't tell anyone.  Many things.  This book on safeguarding children is helpful to me, as it gives reasons for things, and whilst it's bringing up many strong feelings, that I normally avoid, I think I'm at a point when I can look at some of those things now.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for the warning light, which caused me to wade into what you were wanting to present with some caution. My reaction turned out similar to yours, and in the parts you quoted I found myself tensing up; not a novel reaction for me but one I usually try (perhaps too much so) to avoid. It's one of those creepy feeling that others never seem to grasp either (or are too afraid to).

And yet it can be okay to try wading into those murky waters. Like you, I surmise there might be a valid point these authors are helping foster, despite the struggle to do justice to any of the abuses talked of. It's hard to ever understand any of what took place and the 'why' is even harder. That said, I've noticed at least a slight loosening of the gripping sensations that seems to come over while reading these. For those who scoff at things like trigger warnings, I find that they honour the notion that hey, there are readers who were hurt badly.

Finding peace with all of this is still elusive, at least total peace.   I think it's even more elusive to think there's some magic moment of forgiveness for this. Personally I've given up on that aspect, but find myself at least willing to lift the veil a little and dare to figure some sense out of what mostly was just senseless. Doing that can at least ease some of the shame.

Not sure I've said much; it's more of a sad reflection with some notes in reaction to your passing on the book info. You do that very well -- thank you so much for pointing out some of these reads. I can sense your own hesitancy but also recognize how posting what you can of your own take on them can help the healing journey.

[Armee]

Hi Hope,

There's a hug at the end if you or any part of you would like one. Actually, I'm leaving lots of hugs that you can take or leave because you deserve so much comfort and protection after the things that were done to you. It's not OK that an adult abused you in that way. And I understand wanting to understand why they did that, and why you didn't tell, but they hurt you and it was wrong no matter why they did it, you did not deserve it, and you were just a kid. I feel angry toward the person who abused such a sweet kind soul.

You, Hope, and all your parts, are worthy of being protected and are beautiful and innocent. I hope one day any shame you feel about what was done to you melts away. You deserve to not feel shame.

I especially want to send a safe hug along to the part who wanted you to write about the neglectful practitioners.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am so grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, because I really found what you wrote to be helpful in many ways.  Thank you.    
Hi Armee,
Thank you so much for all those hugs  and also for what you said.  I appreciated it very much.

*********
4th September 2021
I've been in and out of a few EF's in the past few days, but I am recognising what's happening, and that's helped.  I remind myself that I'm triggered by various things, and I am understanding more what the triggers have been.  I am also aware of the presence of a couple of protector kind of parts, and I know why they've been around.  My reading of the books about CSA have been unsettling for those parts, and they've come to protect me, but I'm keen to tell them that I'm safe now, as an adult, and that my reading isn't something that will cause me any hurt - but is a path to enabling me to heal along my journey. 

Interesting that I don't even know what I've just written, it just flowed out of me, so I'll leave it there.  I don't want to re-read it just now, as I'll be tempted to alter/edit it.  I'm trying not to do that.  Just allow myself to write unedited.

Hope   

[sanmagic7]

hope, i think allowing yourself to be unedited is very courageous.  i so appreciate you for just who you are.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Yup. What San said.

Anything that flows from you and your experiences will be perfect as is and you did a really good job letting yourself write unedited here.

I also want to say it sounds like you've done a good job staying aware of the EFs and not getting consumed by them. That's hard to do and a sign of so much healing.  That said, I wish you were not having to deal with them. But it makes sense that reading the book is triggering EFs (and probably other flashback types, too) and you are handling them pretty well. Go Hope!

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

Interesting that I don't even know what I've just written, it just flowed out of me,

I echo others who encourage you to write without your editor. 

It's wonderful that you are fully aware of the triggers, your reactions and especially your ability to remind yourself and all your parts of their safety at the present time.

[Blueberry]

hope, i think allowing yourself to be unedited is very courageous. 

I think I remember that this has been an issue for you off and on during your time here on the forum. I'm very happy for you that you are making progress with this I'm not surprised though because you do work very hard on your recovery. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, I am always touched by your kindness and I also appreciate you - thank you 

Hi Armee, thank you so much for your encouraging words, I appreciate them 

Hi BeeKeeper,  Yes, I am getting better at recognising my triggers and realising when I'm in EF's, and thankfully using Janina Fisher's direction to notice when I'm triggered and recognise that, helps a lot.  I like that you highlighted the words 'ability' and 'aware' - they are strong words.   

Hi Blueberry, Thank you    I know I've been focusing on my recovery for a long time now, but I am beginning to see progress in it, and feel thankful for that.   

***********
8th September 2021
A lot of things have been happening in my life in this past few weeks, and it's felt overwhelming at times.  But, I'm managing to negotiate my way through things, and I've been able to cope. 

My dreams have felt intense, and I have had quite vivid things happening in them, but can't remember the content anymore.  But I think I've been processing things more in my dreams. 

I've finished reading the book about Safeguarding of Children, and I found it really helpful.  There were legal cases they discussed, and there were lots of examples of good and bad practice in relation to safeguarding issues.  There was one part that I found particularly emotive, and I think I want to make a note of the contents, so I'll go and get the book:

"Make the connection with... personal information.
Vulnerable children and young people especially need attention to the detail of their lives and this cannot be achieved without keeping records in residential and foster care.  Items such as a birth certificate and informal documentation of the kind that would usually be held by a child's birth family need  to be stored carefully.  Looked-after children and young people need good care taken of their personal information and keepsakes, with their involvement.

Children can experience many changes and part of the whole safeguarding process is that adults create a safe place for items of personal value that might otherwise get lost forever.  When children do not have a family to keep a record of childhood events, then someone else needs to respect and store photos, drawings, certificates from school, birthday cards and all the other items that are very important later for adolescents and adults who have spent time in care."

Wow, as I typed out those words, I felt the whoosh of emotions in my body, and physical responses which felt like nauseation, and I feel light-headedness too.  But, thoughts came into my mind about how my FOO lied about so many basic things regarding my family, and therefore, any anchors of memory that I have are things I can't rely on.  I have some photos of my past, but not all of them, as my FOO (M) has them in her home.  I am estranged and non-contact, and I will not ask her for them.  So I can't look back on some earlier memories, or have those things.  Photos can act as a prompt for memory, although I realise it won't give the reality of something necessarily. 

I realise I feel angry, disappointed, upset, many feelings. 

I think the sentence 'when chidren do not have a family to keep a record of childhood events...' was particularly emotive, because I DID have a family, but they chose to obscure and avoid certain truths, and blatantly lie about other aspects.

***********
I'm sitting here now, and thinking further, and I'm grateful to be able to come here to my journal and write these things, because I know that this is a safe place, and I can keep these reflections here.  Also, I know that people in this forum, who read these words, are understanding and I am thankful for all of you being there. 

I feel very emotional now.  I think that relates to the thought of being 'heard' and being 'understood' as that was NOT the case in my childhood, I felt I was on my own with so many things.  I didn't expect help. 

I feel calmer now, so this has been a good space and time, spent here in my journal. 
Hope 

[Armee]

Hi, Hope. The same things struck me, reading that excerpt from the book for similar reasons.

You didn't get what you needed from your FOO and now you have to try to find a way to plug those holes and gaps yourself. One day those photos may work their way to you.

Sending along hugs to all your parts that need or want one. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i remember seeing my M pull out my report cards from grade school one day, and how it struck me a little, at the time, that she cared enough to keep those.  i have no photos anymore of when i was young, but i remember 2 that i've been able to bring to mind and have helped me with processing some of the acceptance pieces i've been working on.  those kinds of childhood 'things' can definitely have an impact on our perspective of self and of having been cared for by others.  it's no surprise to me you had a lot of emotions appear while working on this piece.

i agree with armee - perhaps some day those photos will come to you.  keep up the good work, my dear.  sending love and some spackle to help fill those holes.

[BeeKeeper]

Hope,

Your reading and writing here is very powerful and touches on some extremely potent memories. First of all, you picked a good portion of the book to record here, because this one act of record-keeping is so critical to children, teens, adults and elders. It's important throughout the lifespan.

Bypassing specifics, I had an opportunity to acquire and keep ALL my childhood stuff. I took a pass. Six years later, when I had my own little girl, I resolved to do it differently. And I did. I also did the same for my 2 oldest grandkids, and as a result, they LOVED it. I made albums, collages, plaques, etc. and I had just as much fun in making as they did in receiving.

I briefly was a foster Mom to a young teen, and we made clay things together, which she took home with her. It was a highlight of my life, to see her open up, get creative and want to keep that with her.

When and if the early reminders come back to you, take it slowly. If they never return to  you, that doesn't change your early self. It means that you carry that inside daily. All the preciousness and sweetness of your childhood are still intact.