Did I Say Too Much?

[FreedomLover]

Hello All,

Praying you had a Happy New Year as possible, and a better 2021! I realize it has not been a great start, though. 

It's been awhile since I've been here and I am pretty new. Glad to have found this haven, thanks to the Out of the Fog forum!  Would love your advice on this issue (ad nauseam).

I got off the phone with the NPD mother a little while ago. As many others, this is after long periods of grey rocking. I don't really speak to her or my waifish narc grandmother, whom I have supported with hospital visits, holidays, birthdays, etc. when the mother's golden child daughter (the sister) was mostly M.I.A. during those times  off and on for a good decade, or a bit more. More off than anything, while galavanting around other states and countries. I never said a word (until they started in on me with their complaints). The other sister was all the way absent during that long period too, but her I understand because she was scapegoated something awful. Once she stepped out of the picture, it became me (didn't realize what it was at the time, but tried to make her stick around; how sick was I too?).  Blamed my SC sister for years; for not helping me help them. HA! Realized only a couple of years ago how right she was to stay away! I tried getting in touch with her for years, but finally stopped--feeling upset with her. I still had a lot to learn about NPD, but knew something wasn't right with the rest of this family. Until places like this board, where I became more aware.

Since my learning, it started to dawn on me about my M.I.A. sister and why she had to do what she did. The irony of life is I wanted to reach out to her, but she passed away last May because of her heart (praying it wasn't a broken one; also wondering about COVID).
But, I learned to leave the rest of them alone more and started grey rocking; especially after being attacked by my GC sister who I find to be a malignant narc. This happened about 3 years ago, which I wrote about a few times here and try not to go into detail again. It's just that she attacked while I was driving over something stupid that wasn't even her business. It was all about control. Because I was hit in the back of the head while driving, I pulled over and took care of her after she got out of the car.

Fast forward to today, and the narc mother is moving out next week after many years of owning her place that she swore she was going to come out of "feet first".  She is a senior and can no longer afford it, but it's not because of her age. It's because she gambles; hard. She has been doing this since I was 12 and I am now 55! She told me a few months ago that she is moving with the GC sis (out of town, thank goodness) and they are selling her place--for the money, no doubt. And now that is supposed to be next week. So, the GC narc sis is coming with a 3rd fiancee (was married twice and hooked up with a couple of guys before this fiancee; met none after the 2nd hubby) next week to pack her up. And get this; the fiancee's sister is supposed to sell the place because she does real estate. They all just met! Okay, so I came last week to see what she needed help with packing and to say goodbye (she nixed the packing; the GC is to do it. Cool!). Because I am not coming anywhere near this sister, or dynamic. Though the narc mother keeps fussing at me about being 'wrong' about all this. I said I am always going to be the wrong one. She did the same to the SC sister for years (tried to halt myself from saying this, because the dear angel is no longer here and I know it's a sore spot for the narc mom--but it also felt liberating, I must admit.)

To this day, the narc mom is blaming me even though this sister is known to fight and carry on. I haven't had to have a fight as an adult until her (and even had to fight her as a kid, scratches, marks and all; my mother doesn't seem to remember). Pointed this out to her, but she starts 'gargling' and not sounding clear.

Tonight, calling her to follow up on helping to temporarily fix her rocking chair because she keeps falling asleep and falling to the floor--something she refuses to self-correct, though she claims she will go lay down before that happens again. Then why keep doing this for years? I tried more than once helping her, but she has to be the one to change her bad habits.

Anyway, she keeps blaming me about the narc sis. Mind you, she was in the front passenger seat at the time and needed an operation on her spine so she couldn't hold her head up well. Yet, I am the one who is wrong. Also, for not wanting to come around them. I told her tonight I called to say I wished her the best and not angry, but don't respect nor agree with her and this sister's ways. That if she thought I was coming around them and put myself in danger again, she is as crazy as this sister. When she said I was wrong again, I said okay. And she is right, because I was wrong to meet up with them that night.

In the end, I said if she is going to keep fussing at me, especially when she gets around this narc sis and her family, then I wasn't going to talk to her to even say 'hello'.  Wished her well again and said I'd call her on the day she is leaving, before hanging up. Could hear the belligerence in her voice as she wished me well, too. Sounded like something else, but I 'clicked' the phone.

Do you guys think I said too much? Maybe should have kept any future 'invites' as 'I'm busy', 'I'll think about it', or something? My thinking was to set the record straight before this crazy narc sis gets her in her home, so that there isn't any question or headaches on them wondering when I will be coming around. I can't stand to hear them all when they are around each other; especially the venom in this sister voice who gets more bold because of the mother and grandmother's support. HA! The support I used to give and can't get; not in the true sense. That reminds me: she said I was her daughter. I said your definition of it is warped, though. I'm not your property.


Maybe I need to start packing myself and get in the wind after that call!  Seriously though, all I hear is the sickness now. Sad state of affairs. I have enough to worry about, in a positive way, especially with going to school. Keeps me busy, and on purpose (double meaning).
But I'm in the middle of semesters, and while I am still busy with self-lessons, I am worried they will think they can bother me with her moving. I pray not, because I am not doing it now. She had her chance last week.

Thanks for any advice. Be happy, be safe, be wonderful you! 

[mojay]

FreedomLover, thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate dealing with your FOO, it must have been cathartic to say "this is not okay!" I think that for our own sanity, we try to stand up for ourselves and I think that can be a really self-validating thing to do.

It's my feeling that narcissists will continue with their bad behavior regardless of how well you have explained the situation.

That being said, I think that in the future you can absolutely still grey rock and respond to invite as "I'm busy" or "I'll think about it" etc. There's no reason that your answers have to change just because recently you've called them out - it might even save you grief and manipulation to just say "I'm busy" and then create plans for yourself like studying for school **or whatever other activity is helpful to you** during whatever you were invited to. (**editing: changed my response a little bit, I think i was projecting too much of my own situation onto yours.)

Not sure if this is a possibility, but I've begun roleplaying situations with my therapist that I find myself in with my narc. parent. It has helped given me a script that becomes muscle memory when I'm triggered by how he behaves toward me. Doesn't always work smoothly, but it has certainly helped.

Sending you support 

[Not Alone]

That being said, I think that in the future you can absolutely still grey rock and respond to invite as "I'm busy" or "I'll think about it" etc. There's no reason that your answers have to change just because recently you've called them out - it might even save you grief and manipulation to just say "I'm busy" and then create plans for yourself like studying for school during whatever you were invited to.

For work (and I know that is different than dealing with family with NPD), my answer in response to a request to work is often, "I'm not available." They don't need to know that I'm not available because I want to self-care by being in my pjs binging on T.V. Up to you how much you tell or don't tell.

[FreedomLover]

Thank you both, Mojay and Notalone. Reading and taking in your wise advice has helped so much!

You know what, Mojay? You are so right when you stated I can go back to grey rock and always say, "I'm busy", "I'll think about it", or even just plain "No".

Heck, they act like they have short-term memories anyway...unless it suits them. And I'm sure these narcs will ignore my direct and honest response as to why I won't come visit. So, I can just push that reset button and say those simple phrases. Thanks!

Also, Notalone I love that you mentioned a scenario at work. Unfortunately, I am going through that type of issue right now, too and have been pondering what to do about a "request" to work overtime without pay (money or time compensation). But it's not coming from my supervisor, just the rest of the team where I feel some may be "narcish"  (been there less than a year and solely online). So far, I said I won't be available.

Thanks for everything. Great to be here whenever I can get on to learn more about my past, present and especially future pathways. 

I pray you both stay safe and well!