Rainy Diary 2021

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rainydiary

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Rainy Diary 2021
« on: January 17, 2021, 03:05:35 AM »
I am finding myself drawn back to this community.  I would like to start documenting in a different diary.  My intention for 2021 is to be gentle especially with myself.  That is proving difficult as I also find myself beginning to face the toxic shame I carry with me. 

I think I am entering a new phase of my healing and going even deeper into wounds I still carry.  My window of tolerance for a number of things is expanding as I find more tools that help me.  As this happens, more and more comes up. 

Some of the things that come up surprise me - they are one off moments that I did not realize I was holding on to.  Others surprise me because they are more painful and deep.

My job also continues to be a challenge as I manage being triggered by students and adults I work with.  I have cried more based on things Iíve seen kids going through as I see them experiencing trauma.  Iím not sure if they actually are or if I am reading my experience into theirs. 

Iím not sure where this year is going but recognize I could use some support from others that understand CPTSD as I find my way.

❤️

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Pioneer

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2021, 05:52:17 AM »
I'm glad you're back and want to include us on your journey! Good job for wanting to be kind to yourself. I know this is hard to do many times. Like you said, you will keep gaining tools as you recover - and hopefully that will be one of them.

You are so right, this recovery journey is full of surprises! I hope you come across some good ones soon that you didn't expect  :)

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Hope67

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2021, 10:01:29 AM »
Hi Rainydiary,

Wishing you the best for 2021 and for your new journal, and welcome back. 

Hope  :)

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marta1234

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2021, 11:11:44 AM »
Rainydiary, welcome back  :hug: Missed you, happy to here that youíve found new tools that help and sending you much support and care for your recovery journal  :hug:

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2021, 04:47:16 PM »
Pioneer, Hope, Marta - thank you for the welcome back!  Iím so grateful to be back and to read posts that make me feel less alone.  I havenít really found anyone in my life that I can talk about CPTSD and receive the understanding I seek.

This past week was tough and I felt a ton of discomfort in my body.  Some of the discomfort was that I overworked my body through running and I took a rest week.  Taking care of myself in that way felt odd and in some ways ďwrongĒ - I was raised ďto push throughĒ and made to feel bad for not being up to something.  I was fortunate to have a massage appointment this week and it helped a great deal. 

My husband and I have decided to take a short trip out of town since Monday is a US holiday and we donít have work.  I do bring some fear to this as the US has been extremely unsettled of late.  I hope the trip will give me some courage to bring up conversations that I avoid with my husband.  I think we have been stuck in how to move forward as a couple for a long time.  A big part of me (the part abandoned as a child) expects that pattern to continue and for my husband to abandon me.  I tell myself that my life would be easier if I didnít have to deal with the strife that can come from being married.  I donít actually believe I need to be out of this marriage...I just donít know how to accept that someone would want to work through difficult times with me.   

In the past month I have been seeing the ways in which I have tried to exert control over my life in order to feel safe.  I work so hard to keep routines and habits in place so that I donít have any surprises.  Yet in many ways these things can keep me stuck and donít prevent life from happening.  It is also tricky because my nature is to be in solitude, to be sensitive, to be organized, to need a lot of thinking time.  These things get mashed together with the way I experienced trauma and perhaps make my natural tendencies more extreme and painful. 

I am in a very different place in my body and mind than I was a year ago.  In many ways it is a good thing.  But I am also learning how even positive change can be stressful.  I am trying to trust the direction in which I am moving. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2021, 05:29:13 PM »
welcome back, rainy.  i'm so glad you find this forum to be a supportive place for you.

i hope your trip goes well.  i had some amazing road trips, with some of the best conversations in my life.  i hope it works out well for you and your H.   :yes:

we're here for you, as always.  stay safe.  love and hugs :hug:

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2021, 08:31:08 PM »
I appreciate your words San.  :hug:

This morning when I woke up in a place that isnít my home, I experienced a great deal of overwhelm.  This often happens to me when I travel.  Our trip was overall lovely but not sleeping in my own bed is challenging for me. 

I tried to notice what was coming up as I laid in the hotel missing my cat.  I recalled a time as a child where I slept over at a friendís house.  I woke up earlier than everyone else and began to feel so overwhelmed.  I could hear her mom preparing breakfast and I wanted out so badly so that I could go home.  Yet I didnít reach out to anyone....I just laid there and waited. 

From there it occurred to me that given the number of times I moved growing up in a military family, it is not wonder traveling can be so overwhelming.  I was expected to manage all of that transition in a superhuman way and a lot of abuse occurred around moves.  My thoughts drifted from there to recalling a number of traumatic moments in my life. 

Amidst all that thought spiraling, I saw how I donít use tools available to me.  At home, I have a number of go to things I do.  I have also started adapting some of those things to work.  Yet when I am away from home that all goes away.  So I work hard to stay at home and keep my life as predictable as possible so that I donít feel so overwhelmed.  I will plan to remember this the next time I go on a trip (which Iím sure will be in a while). 

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sanmagic7

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2021, 11:48:22 PM »
sending a reminder to you so you can remember those tools even while not at home.   :heythere:  (that's supposed to indicate a desk full of drawer, all filled with tools that might be helpful).

i remember a couple i knew who had 2 young boys.  they moved a lot for his work, and i asked once how it affected their kids. she just dismissed it saying 'kids are resilient'.  i didn't believe it then that all those moves wouldn't be difficult to deal with, and i don't believe it now.  your words speak a truth about that.  i can't imagine having to pick up, leave friends behind, move to a new school and neighborhood, make new friends, different environment each time, different neighbors - so much change so often!  it makes total sense to me that traveling, while some of us see it as a positive experience, can be re-traumatizing to others.

love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2021, 01:09:41 AM »
I appreciate your words San.  I think growing up I told myself and others it was ok and resilient is a word I used.  But it hurt very much in many ways.  There were pros to being exposed to many people and ways of life but not only did I have a family that couldnít meet my emotional and psychological needs, I frequently had to leave those that could have (and did as well as they could) supported me.  Thank you for validating my experience.   :hug:

Iíve been reading Brene Brownís books and in reading about shame a lot is coming up.  Whatís been most surprising to me are the ways shame shows up in how I think about and view my body.  As Iíve been working to feel safe in my body and to see my body as my ally, I see all the ways Iíve been unkind and tried to distance myself from my body.  Itís like I was trying to run away from myself. 

I am generally just tired - the holiday season and back to work push are catching up.  I am looking forward to more daylight and small luxuries like getting a massage and a haircut.  In the meantime, one step at a time. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #9 on: January 20, 2021, 02:55:14 PM »
body issues are so common among trauma survivors.  our bodies have held emotions, feelings, abuse, comfort, taken the blows (metaphorical and literal)  in order that our minds could continue working.  that your body has brought you along to this day, even while struggling, is a testament to what an ally it's been thru everything.  of course we've often mistreated our bodies, felt shame about them, hated them, and i think we've somehow projected what was done to and felt by ourselves as we went thru life.  that would make sense for the feeling of trying to run away from yourself.  you haven't learned how to love yourself fully yet, mainly cuz you weren't loved fully by others.

hang tough, rainy. we'll get thru this.  i'm looking forward to visiting a spa, getting a massage and a steam also, but it's just not possible now.  still, something to look forward to.  one step at a time, indeed!  love and hugs :hug:

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2021, 12:29:27 AM »
San, I appreciate your reflection and thoughts.  I think that as I connect more between my mind and body I find corners and areas to explore that surprise me.   

My body continues to be on my mind for a variety of reasons.  I am not a mother and I face a lot of judgment for that from relatives and people I encounter at work.  My in-laws made a comment at Christmas about my childfreeness and I didnít realize how much I was carrying that comment with me until today. 

My ankle has been sore and I attributed it to running.  I do think it was related to running somewhat.  I recently started tapping (I donít know if there a fancier name for it) and today I did a guided tapping meditation for my ankle.  In the meditation it asked what emotions I might be holding and right away to mind came my Little Me.  She used to be stuck in my shoulder and has seemed to move on.  It also occurred to me that around the time my ankle started feeling really sore I was at home a lot and feeling stuck. 

I am trying to care for my body and taking a rest from running.  I am planning to run a 50K race later this year and I think some of my ankle stress is from worry/fear of that too.  I am still trying to honor my body and be gentle with myself as I navigate all these feelings. 

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2021, 12:06:33 AM »
I am feeling extremely tired today.  I felt fine most of the day but now that I am home from work I feel drained.

I did a few meditations after work about the connection between the mind and body.  I am feeling some muscle tension in areas that is normal for me.  This tension bothers me more than I acknowledge.  I want it to go away.  The tension (I think) has both physical and psychological causes. 

As I think about my areas of chronic tension, what comes to mind is how hard my body has tried to protect me from what I am thinking and feeling.  My body tried to keep me safe by clenching my shoulders and hips so as to hold myself together. 

I think I mostly feel very alone today.  A person from my past comes to mind as someone that I felt safe with but wasnít able to express that to them or to allow myself to develop a relationship with them.  Each step of my journey has felt like I do it on my own even if I am surrounded by others. 

I feel a lot of deep emotion wanting to come out.  This usually comes out through tears but they arenít falling. 

I think for now I should rest and eat some dinner and see where that brings me. 


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dollyvee

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2021, 10:57:43 AM »
Welcome back Rainy  :grouphug:

Sounds like a good step that you're taking a time out to listen to what your body is saying. A lot of the time I feel the need to push through things because it's easier to push through it than it is to stop and listen to what is going on. I don't know if this is because it felt so out of control growing up, and the body is the one thing I could control (not to mention told to control to look a certain way etc). It's easier to try to fit in than stand out I guess, especially when standing out wasn't safe.

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rainydiary

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2021, 04:32:08 AM »
Thank you Dollyvee.  What you say about trying to fit in because it felt unsafe to stand out is really resonating with me today.  That actually helps me reframe my day.

I felt okay at work today but when I got home I felt extremely low.  In looking back, I expressed a need for support in several ways at work today.  Doing that leaves me feeling very unsafe.  I perceive some people not truly acknowledging my concerns or needs.  Also even if I seek help it doesnít mean anything will change and I will continue to deal with the same stuff I have been dealing with. 

I did try to process with a few friends.  Iím not sure it helped.  Itís possible after work I was experiencing an EF.  My EFs arenít as ďstrongĒ as they have been - they seem to be more subtle these days to the point I donít recognize them as such.  My job often keeps me living in survival mode. 

I think at some point I would like to decide if working in an environment that is constantly triggering me is worth it.  I have a dream of creating my own business and specializing.  I would also like to incorporate yoga/mindfulness into my work in a different way than I can working in a school. 

I have seen variations of a quote recently on how different the world is viewed from a place of survival.  I think I also struggle to get my point across at work because very few people actually know how to it feels to live with CPTSD.  It hurts me when I perceive other people to be thinking ďwhat is her deal?Ē

I hope some sleep and time this weekend will help me restore.  I really wish I could have a weekend to myself without my husband.  I also wonder about ways I use to define myself - for so long I attributed a lot of my needs to being an introvert, to being highly sensitive.  Sometimes I donít know where those end and my tendencies born of trauma begin.  Those things are still a part of me but it is confusing to me. 

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notalone

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Re: Rainy Diary 2021
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2021, 04:04:58 PM »
Rainy Diary,

It's nice to be hearing from you again.

Even if it didn't help to process with friends, it probably was still a healthy choice, to reach out. I know that can be so difficult. People don't really understand what it's like to live with cPTSD. How could they? For me, the few friends who are able to have empathy, even though they only can get a little bit of it, are treasured. I share very little with those who have a "move on" or "quick answer" mentality.

I also have muscle tightness. My shoulders are usually like rocks. I read somewhere about "body-armoring." Our bodies have spent a lifetime trying to protect themselves.