Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, thank you very much for your words and support.  I think right now is one of those times where everything happens at once.  I suppose it is an opportunity to see what I've learned and try out what I've learned.  I'm also burned out...and trying to find rest within my experience. 

[Armadillo]

The hypervigilance sucks. It's ok though that you can't feel joy right at the moment. It'll be there waiting for you when you get through this tough patch.

I relate to the all or nothing reactions...we probably have a tendency to wait until the boundary trampling is so extreme we explode.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, Thank you for your thoughts.  I am trying to stay with how I feel as much as I can today as that can help.  I continue to find it so difficult to give myself compassion and understanding which makes it challenging to extend it to others...yet others are also so very disappointing to me. 

[rainydiary]

I am feeling a bit better today.  I slept better and have managed the feelings coming up somewhat.

My chest is still tight and my stomach uneasy.  I feel unheard and that is the worst feeling for me.  That feeling takes me to a wounded place and it is difficult to function from there. 

I notice thoughts that I "can't" do relationships.  I don't trust very many people while expecting to feel hurt by every person I meet.  I'm not sure I will ever feel safe enough to more social than I am.  My nature is one that craves solitude.  I also carry pain about relationships that makes me want my space. 

I'm not enjoying how unhappy the prospect of seeing my in-laws makes me.  Being around them makes me question my husband more than I would otherwise.  I don't like watching how he acts around them.  I don't like how I wonder if I am the problem, if I am the one that is making things uncomfortable.  They are very good at playing the victim. 

I am also struggling because I want to take responsibility for myself and my actions.  Yet there is a line that I struggle to hold between taking care of my own stuff and taking responsibility for things that aren't mine.

*sigh*

[rainydiary]

I am still holding onto anger toward my husband about his family coming and going on a visit with them.  My anger is a response to the past and my anxiety of the past repeating itself. 

I also see that my response is about a need to feel control.  I feel out of control with my in-laws and often with my husband in the context of his family. 

I also feel out of control because my parents modeled losing control when emotions got too big. 

Today I tried to hold in mind that this feeling of loss of control is within me.  These folks do have power over me.  I don't need to hold so tightly and try to control so much. 

I am preparing for a yoga teacher training and started reading a book called A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield.  This passage really stood out to me:

"He offered a way of life, a lifelong path of awakening, attention, surrender, and commitment.  He offered a happiness that was not dependent on any changing conditions of the world but came out of one's own difficult and conscious inner transformation.  In joining the monastery, I had hoped to leave behind the pain of my family life and the difficulties of the world, but of course they followed me.  It took me many years to realize that the difficulties were part of my practice."

This book is already pressing against my wounds yet I hope it is informative. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy Diary,
I really found your description of the impact of the book to be really impactful - you said "this book is already pressing my wounds yet I hope its informative" - I hope so too - I thought the passage you shared was impactful too.  I also thought you said some meaningful things about 'control' and issues relating to that. 

I wanted to send you a hug of support as well    I also find 'family' issues to be triggering - and I think meeting up with your in-laws, I think that's tough. 

Hope 

[Armadillo]

Do you have a few self care things planned for your in law visit? It sounds really difficult. I hate having even the nicest people in my space and they so sound rather unhealthy. I hope you can protect yourself a little.

[rainydiary]

Hope & Armadillo, I appreciate your words and support.  I will have some time alone to prepare for the visit with my in-laws and also plan to do something for myself after the visit.  It is possible that while we are in the same town I will be able to avoid them as much as possible.  It is occurring to me that I will also probably benefit from a plan for interacting with my husband too.  I feel more hurt by him when he is around his family because he falls into old dynamics with them and I can't stand it. 

Today was tough.  In A Path with Heart, this idea of finding the depth of our wounds came up.  That really stood out to me and it made me wonder if I've found the depth of mine.  Somewhat but today in general made me wonder. 

I am burned out at work and attempted to advocate for myself with a department chair.  Her responses to me were not helpful and I regret speaking to her.  Then as I was processing what she said on the way to our school's graduation ceremony, I found myself hurt.  I stood around waiting for direction for the graduation ceremony and had so many colleagues walk by without saying anything.  I felt like I didn't belong.  Then I ended up around a few people I feel comfortable with and told them about a weird interaction I witnessed this week.  I don't think anyone outside of the conversation was paying attention to what I said but I directly named a colleague and regret doing so. 

The graduation ceremony itself was difficult for me.  It brought to mind my own high school graduation where my name was mispronounced.  We were outdoors in the sun wearing black graduation gowns.  It was so hot and unbearable.  The ceremony also made me feel how uneven things are for people.  It becomes this time to share honors and accomplishments but calling it out in front of everyone excludes the students I work with that made it graduation with a different kind of effort that isn't celebrated in the same way.  I left with a huge headache and huge heartache. 

This time next week I hope to feel a lot better.  I will be past my school year and the trip with my in-laws. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I think it's good that you're considering a plan for your trip - hopefully that will give you some helpful boundaries, and you'll feel a sense of protection.  I really hope you get some chance to relax and enjoy things, along with the other stuff.

I think your students would appreciate your thoughtfulness around their accomplishments, and their different ways of achieving their studies.  I hear your kindness when you are talking about that.

Anyway, sending you a hug for a safe trip, and hoping that it goes ok. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Hope. 

I am trying to relax some this Friday evening.  My cat is laying on my chest purring.  My brain is busy.

My husband made a comment to me about the upcoming visit/trip and it triggered me.  His sister has a 3 year old child.  This child will be spending time with 7 adults.  And I can guarantee the majority of the focus of the trip will be on this child.  I find myself so annoyed by this child.  It isn't the child, it is the situation.  My sister in law is not a good parent and I worry for this child's future.  It's hard to watch a child being brought up so poorly.  I am sure I am projecting a bit.  I find myself emotionally closing off from the child because I can't deal with it.  One of my biggest fears is that my husband will somehow become responsible for his sister and her child.  His sister has never had a full time job and lives with her parents.  Without them, she would have no means to support herself and her child.  It bothers me so much. 

I am trying to stay with my feelings and notice what is coming up as this trip approaches.  I am so adverse to family.  The concept of family.  Mention of the word family.  The pressure to be a part of family.  I am noticing how my parents have really gone silent.  They rarely reach out to me.  Sometimes I reach out but get cursory responses.  At times I can feel compassion for my parents - it is clear to me they carry deep pain and deep anxiety.  But I also don't know how to have a relationship with them. 

I find myself wishing to be alone.  Some days I regret getting married.  It feels like my life would be easier if I wasn't married.  Being around other people makes me so much more miserable than being alone.  I don't feel like I belong with anywhere.  I want to go where I want to go and not have to deal with my husband and his family.  I don't want to deal with my work colleagues.  I don't want to deal with anyone.  This all comes from a place of deep pain. 

[rainydiary]

As I process my week and think about what lies ahead, I am overwhelmed this morning.  My chest is tight and I feel unable to get what feels right for me in life.  I don't believe that is 100% accurate.  Something deep within me is triggered and it is extremely overwhelming.

[Armadillo]

Take good care of yourself. I know how hard that is to do.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo, I appreciate your words.

Today is the day when my in-laws arrive in the state.  I have had stomachaches and extra BMs for several days now.  I am so not looking forward to the next week.  I am trying to remember that by this time next week this challenge will be done. 

I woke up this morning and realized how I haven't really processed the time I spent living in the same town as my in-laws.  I haven't processed a lot of my life.  I think so far I have processed more of my childhood.  I think I am processing my adolescence currently.  Perhaps next will be college. 

[rainydiary]

I woke up from an extremely intense dream this morning.  In the dream, a version of a person I know was outwardly affectionate toward me and said words that made me feel good, seen, validated. 

As I start my day I am feeling overwhelmed.  I realize that while I want and expect things from others, I don't think I always offer and give those things either.  I feel like I must be honest with myself about the way I come across at times.  Yes I have reason for the ways I may act and I am working on it.  I also hope to show up in the world differently and in a way that has less ease and struggle. 

My in-laws missed their flight yesterday.  That is so them and I gave myself the chance to laugh at it.  They were able to catch another flight unfortunately for me but the dynamic has shifted and one less day of stress.  This makes me wonder what dynamics and traumas they are reacting right now.  I imagine that for every "vacation" they have taken their is somewhat of a script of pain and stress and unkindness that they follow.  I am trying to find compassion for what my husband dealt with growing up.  I fall short because he feels compelled to defend them.  And yet admitting that your parents are not healthy and have hurt you is an extremely difficult and painful thing to do even if acknowledging that brings less suffering.

Today is also my last day of work for the school year.  All week I felt a lot of anger about work.  I was on the verge of emailing some colleagues multiple times.  I feel unheard and I feel invisible.  I feel like my expertise is not acknowledged or honored.  I feel like no one would care if I stopped working there.  And yet, I also know that because I lack a lot of relationship tools, I am not always great at communicating.  I believe I act in ways to stay invisible.  I believe I act from a place of deep fear that I am worthless, useless, and a mistake.  I still want to feel heard...and yet right now I am so burned out that I think I need to give myself some time. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
You have a lot on your plate today - with the last day of your school year work, and so I wanted to say I think you've done well to get through the day, and I was glad to hear you got an extra amount of time before your in-laws arrive.  I hope you're ok.
Hope