Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for checking in. 

This day took an unexpected twist.  Today I was told that my workspace will be moving next school year.  It is moving to a shared space with two coworkers that are not nice.  I am upset about this change because I wasn't consulted about it before a decision was made.  I am upset about this change because this is the handiwork of someone going behind my back and complaining to get what they want.  It makes me feel small.

When I received this news I cried.  I explained that I do not want this happen.  And in response I receive very little understanding.  I am told how much people like me and how this will be good.  It most certainly will not. 

I came home and applied for two other jobs.  One I'm worried is only a year position which won't really work.  The other one I have little chance of getting - I have applied to this place many times and not been accepted. 

I am extremely triggered.  This does not help my willingness to put myself in proximity to my in-laws.  My in-laws still have not made it to their destination.  They just drove and are in a place 3 hours from where they need to be. 

I am extremely agitated and upset. 

[rainydiary]

This day has been difficult.  My chest has been tight all day.  I am definitely in an EF.

One thing I do want to remember about this day: before my difficult news, our staff had a meeting that included breakfast.  Initially I sat by myself and assumed others would join my table.  That did not happen.  I heard my called out and saw a colleague inviting me to sit at their table.  Initially I said no but then I decided to accept their gesture.  I appreciated them reaching out.

Today I've fantasized about all the ways I want to make my coworkers feel bad for making me feel bad.  I want to tell them I am 99% sure I will quit.  I want to tell them under no circumstances am I moving my workspace.  I want to quit on the spot.  I feel stuck in quitting because I feel that is a conversation I need to have with my husband for the sake of our finances.  Making empty threats and refusing to comply will only hurt me more.  I don't have a better solution because I don't know what the choices are. 

I have been feeling all day like something is wrong with me.  This is the second time this exact situation has occurred for me in this job and a similar thing happened at another job.  I keep blaming myself.  I feel like I must be a bad communicator and collaborator.  And yet it has happened despite collaboration to serve the agendas of others.

Leaving this job now feels so stressful.  It's awkward to quit in the summer because it's hard to get ahold of people.  I really don't think I can go back to this place though.  I deserve to be treated better. 

[rainydiary]

I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and now have woken up so early.  I am drained.  The thought of seeing my in-laws later today is not appealing in any way.

I am filled with guilt and shame at how I am reacting to this situation at work.  I want to quit this job.  That makes me feel so badly.  I feel like I have failed.  Yesterday one of my coworkers that was giving me this news said "Wow you're really damaged."  You bet I am but maybe don't say that to someone just because you are doing things that make them uncomfortable. 

I've had so many examples in this work place of saying what I want and having others do the exact opposite that I expressed I don't want.  I have tried so hard.  A lot of my fear in leaving is that I won't find anything better.  I have struggled in every job I've had.  Is it only me?  I like to think that it is also systems and situations out of my control. 

I'm not sure what my next step is. 

[Armadillo]

 

This is a really hard week.

Nurture yourself as much as you can. Treat yourself the way wish someone were treating you.

You are not damaged but you are injured. It's trauma and it's not your fault. You are working on healing and it is slow and painful.

That work place sounds awful. I hope you can find a kinder place to make a living soon. For now do what you need to to make it through this week without more harm to yourself.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate your words.  The word nurture really stood out - I will do my best to nurture. 

Despite a rocky start to my day, it has turned out ok. I have a phone screen with a potential job on Friday.  I am in a place that I often find peace in.  I also survived my first encounter with my in-laws.  I was able to disengage emotionally while being with them. 

I felt sad to see how little they have changed since the death of my brother in law.  My niece is out of control.   She is given no boundaries.  Their family dynamics are still extremely weird and unhealthy.  I felt sad watching them.  And the impact it has on my husband.  He knows it is a mess but I watch him trying to clean it up.  He is the only one of his siblings that picked up his dishes after dinner and that helped his parents.  They rely so much on him.  And it agitates him but he still gets caught up in it. 

Just got to get through tomorrow really.  I can tell his parents are pissed that we made our own plans for tomorrow.  So I'm sure we'll pay (read I will pay) for that somehow. 

[rainydiary]

I have made it through the worst of this trip.  Today was overall a good day as I mostly spent it with my husband and we had a good time for the time in a long time.  I fully appreciated how hard the past year plus has been and I think today was the first time we've had fun in a while. 

I had a more difficult time facing my in-laws today especially because my husband and his parents started getting into conflict.  My husband was so agitated by them and started being really rude.  I think they all get stressed toward the end of a trip and my husband told them he is leaving earlier than expected which set them off.  They started winding each other up.  It was so uncomfortable for me.  Yet I will say I didn't let it trigger me.  I tried talking to my husband about some observations I made but he didn't say much so either I overstepped or he didn't know what to say. 

Now as I face going home, I feel so much anxiety over my job.  I will be doing a phone screening on Friday for a job at a specialized school that I have been interested in for a long time.  Today I spent time looking at the school's website and it started to make me anxious.  My IC has been on me this week, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night.  I worry that I won't be able to handle this new job if it were to be a good fit.  Or I worry it won't be a good fit.  I cannot go back to the place I currently work but am not sure what else I can right now. 

I feel more comfortable having a job so that I have financial resources.  Yet I am finding that I am so burned out in my work.  I don't think I should work in schools anymore.  I would be willing to give this other school a try because is in theory very different from schools I've been at before. 

I am also anxious at the idea of leaving my current job.  I don't want to have to tell people I'm leaving.  I don't want to answer their questions about why.  I don't want to feel guilt for leaving.  And yet, I do not think the way I've been treated is ok.  I should not leave work crying as much as I do.  I'm not sure what I've done to be treated like a child but that is how I am being treated.

[Armadillo]

You sound really strong, today, Rainy. Even though you have some hard choices and situations in front of you, you sound confident and like you know what is right and is absolutely not right. When you do leave your job, come up with a phrase that is comfortable for you to tell people when they ask and just repeat that over and over. You don't owe anyone the truth unless you want them to know. 

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate your words.  I notice that I feel the need to explain myself all the time.  That will be something to think on.

As I was driving home today, proud of how I handled myself over the past few days, I realized a truth I must share: I do not want to work in schools anymore.  While I have always enjoyed my students, overall I have hated working in schools.  Every school I have worked in have been nasty, unpleasant spaces.  I want to own that I brought my own stuff with me...and yet I do not understand what I have done that gives others the space to treat me like a piece of garbage. 

I mentioned to my husband that I do not want to find another job right now.  All I'm doing now is rushing to another job where the same stuff in a different costume will be.  I feel guilty to take some time off as I am sure he would like to do the same.  And yet another new job is not going to end differently. 

I have wanted to create my own business for a while.  And yet because I tend to passively engage in my life, I have held back.  I am afraid.  I am afraid I will crash and burn.  I am afraid I won't be able to bring my vision to life.  I am afraid I will continue to reenact my trauma.  I am afraid I will continue to fear and loathe myself because of misguided conclusions I made about myself as a child being abused.  I am afraid. 

I think my husband will support me.  I hope for the courage to step into the world and life I want.  I don't have to keep hiding myself away. 

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i know i've been absent for a bit, but i want to thank you for your support and tell you that i find it courageous to be able to realize and admit you don't want to work in a school setting anymore.  i love that you want to take some time off, regroup, and possibly realize a dream for yourself.  best of luck with that!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hi San, no worries.  I hadn't been on the forum much for a while and found I needed this community more.  I appreciate your words of support.

The conversation with my husband about jobs didn't quite go as I had hoped.  I think I hoped I could quit work and take an extended break.  I realize now that talking to him about finances right after a trip with my family is not ideal.  Money is a trigger for him given that his parents are extremely poor money managers.  We also do have financial obligations that I need to keep in mind as I make next steps for myself.

I plan to do the phone screening tomorrow and hope deeply that this job works out.  It would be different from what I am doing now and I could do it for a year at least.  I also committed to a yoga teacher training and am training for a 50K/31 mile run.  I have a lot on my plate and giving up stable income isn't the right move right now.  Once my trainings are done, I think it would be prudent (as a course I am taking suggests) to start seeing private clients on the side of my regular job.  Once I build up a client base then I can stop working in schools. 

I realize I am deeply afraid that this interview won't pan out.  Yet I am also afraid that I won't do well in this job.  I have a story in my mind that I am not good at my job because I have not fit in at any job I've had.  I do tend to avoid and hide away and I hope to work on that.  I worry I make it easy for others to treat me poorly because I do think I act in ways to remain invisible. 

*sigh*  CPTSD is so complex.  Just as I think I am improving, more stuff pops up and forces me to take some steps back.  It is a step forward that my husband and I actually talked about these things but I am hurting a bit from his reactions.  It makes me feel a bit gaslit that what I am experiencing at work isn't happening.  My coworkers gaslight me all the time.  Deep down I know I need to get out of that place.  I hope I don't get a bad vibe in my phone screening tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

good luck tomorrow, rainyd. i hope it goes well.  you won't be alone.   love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support San.

The phone screening went well.  I was invited to interview on site the week of June 7th.  The person I spoke to said they are screening other people which immediately intimidated me.  I have built this up so big in my mind that if I don't get it I feel like I will fall apart because I cannot go back to my current school. 

But one step a time.  I cannot rush this...but also I am not doing anything wrong.  I have every right to leave a place that treats people poorly. 

[Armadillo]

Congratulations on a good screening and invitation to the next step!

And of course they are screening other people! That's ok! But I totally get why it feels so bad.

Remember there's space between your two options. I know your conversation with your husband didn't give you the support to stop working right now but that doesn't have to mean this job or staying in the current one. It's ok to say that the current one is not an option even if this next one doesn't work out.

I can feel how stressful this feels and how badly your coworkers have made you feel.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo.  I decided to apply for a few more positions today.  That helps take some of the pressure off.  I will keep looking until I have something else. 

I have been in contact with a colleague that I find both supportive and confusing.  She has given me a lot of space and listened when I am in EFs.  She also has a trauma history which is what I think makes her a good support. 

Yet, she is also more outspoken than I am.  She has watched what I am going through happen to others (the same situation).  The person who held my job before me left for the same reason - conflict with the same controlling person.  She thinks I should be very vocal in letting others know what happened. 

I don't necessarily disagree but also don't know how to do that.  I don't want to burn bridges as my work world is small.  But also, lack of action is allowing a destructive individual make work a living nightmare for another individual others are inclined to ignore and not take seriously. 

I think I will know what to do when the time comes.  I do think I need to have some degree of honesty in why I am leaving.  I feel like I have been sharing my difficulties and have not been believed.  So I also wonder what difference it will make. 

[Armadillo]

  good job applying for more positions.

Do what is right for you at the moment. If that is being more vocal, great. If it is hunkering down and just getting out with as little emotional toll as possible, do that. You don't have to fix the problem it isn't your responsibility, especially if it will cause you more pain or self-doubt.