Rainy Diary 2021

[Blueberry]

Yes, I have coworkers that act unkindly (to put it mildly), but I am not ready to leave my current job because of them.  Something in me has shifted and I feel called to stand up for myself.  I have worked hard and done good work.  I don't have to do what these folks say.  ...

I know that staying will be difficult and I anticipate them upping their antics.  And yet, I feel it is important that I speak up and take up space. 

Wow, rainydiary! 

I can really feel the power and strength in you through your words. 

It's a bit similar with me and all the problems with other tenants in the building / garden and with the LL. Friends sometimes suggest that I move but I know in my heart of hearts that similar stuff could very well appear somewhere else. Not because I'm at fault in the sense of 'always picking fights' but because I still need to grow and change in how I stand up for myself. Your post reminds me very much of my own situation, except that you sound much clearer to me on how you intend to navigate from now on. 

You go, girl! I'm standing with you. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hey rainydiary,

I have a plan for things I want to face in the coming school year.  I also plan to identify safe spaces and people I can go to when needed.

Your plans for the new school year are the start of something great. Not that you'll have ultimate success in everything, or others will change but the first step to acceptance and growth is making those plans. I especially like the safe people and places goal. Same here. It's so important to establish that foundation. I understand how devastating rejection is and how it taps into old, long standing memories and experiences. It may take a while to sort through it, however every moment spend doing so adds another skill to your "toolbox."

[Jazzy]

I completely understand how it is difficult to deal with rejection like that. You're absolutely right, it is compounded by everything in the past, which others have no idea about. I find the same to be true about anger as well. I hope this gets easier for you. I'm confident it will as you continue to grow.

As the others have said, this is phenomenal growth! Congratulations!  I'm so happy for you!

One thing I've found important is to keep myself encouraged so that I am able to follow through with plans like that. It is even more difficult when co-workers and others around are negative, so that encouragement is so crucial to me.

You're doing great work! Keep it up! 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate your words.  As I was interviewing at other places, I realized I would still face the challenges I am facing just packaged differently.  I think I have this idea of a "fresh start," but I'm not sure that is really possible because I carry so much with me.

Beekeeper, thank you for your support.  I realized today that I have had some safe people offer up safe havens at work and in the past I haven't taken them up on their offers.  I think a lot of that occurred before the pandemic and during the pandemic I felt more restricted in my movements.  I hope to accept support from people that have offered it. 

Jazzy, I appreciate your encouragement.  As I've been processing, I felt deep down that I haven't exhausted all of my options in my current job.  I haven't spoken up for myself and have been stuck in operating from a more child state.  I want to try out my strength and voice and see how that does or does not shift my experience.  If it continues to not work, I would like to leave my job in a normal manner and be able to say goodbye to my students so that I don't feel like I am slinking off in the middle of the night.

Today has been a relatively good day.  I slept ok, I had a good run, I attended a really inspiring training, and have been able to rest a bit.

While running, I passed a house in my neighborhood that had this beautiful row of pink roses.  Pink is my absolute favorite color and those roses brought me joy. 

I also heard the word "moxie" today and it really struck a chord with me.  I think that will the word I hold onto for my next school year. 

[Not Alone]

As I've been processing, I felt deep down that I haven't exhausted all of my options in my current job.  I haven't spoken up for myself and have been stuck in operating from a more child state.  I want to try out my strength and voice and see how that does or does not shift my experience.  If it continues to not work, I would like to leave my job in a normal manner and be able to say goodbye to my students so that I don't feel like I am slinking off in the middle of the night.

Wow. This is huge. I applaud your insights. I hear the strength in you words. You have my support.

You definitely have MOXIE!!!   

[rainydiary]

Notalone, thank you!  My moxie is still present but my anxiety is trying to take over today.

I have felt anxious most of today.  It feels like a plus that I noticed.  I tried to bring my attention to the present a few times today, but it isn't really lasting today.  Some of it could be related to my place in my menstrual cycle.  But also anxiety has been my way of being for so long it is going to continue to take time to change that.  It has changed today it is just a little worse than it has been.

I have an idea of how I would like to move forward...and yet it is also scary.  My biggest worry is that my tattling colleagues have given the impression I am not doing well in my job.  I haven't really been given performance concerns...but maybe I have?  The way that is handled is so muddy in my work. 

I know I will find my way.  I still haven't ever made a list of my good things for when my inner critic is yelling at me.  I would like to work on that in the coming days. 

[rainydiary]

*sigh*

My husband and I were having a good conversation.  He and I have been on more stable ground and I've been feeling a lot better in our relationship. 

He brought up something that his mom told him that would effectively mean him moving back home.  I appreciate that he told me and I think I handled it well.  But it did upset me.  It upsets me that his mom is actively trying to get him to move back to his hometown.  I'm not surprised, but having such a blatant example makes me sick. 

I hope it is a good sign he told me instead of keeping it to himself.  His family is so enmeshed and I felt glad to see him establishing boundaries with them in a way I hadn't seen before when they visited last month.  But I still have a part of me that fears he won't be able to withstand and will eventually get pulled back in. 

I am feeling especially sensitive today.  I don't want to make this conversation bigger than it needs to be. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I completely understand that you're feeling sensitive about hearing about that conversation, but I do think that it's good that your husband told you about it.  His mom can of course say what she likes, but at the end of the day, it's down to you and your husband to decide what you both want for your lives together.  I hear your sigh about it clearly. 

I hope you both can enjoy the rest of the day, and not let his mom affect it any more - it's so great that you and your husband are feeling on more stable ground and feeling a lot better in your relationship.  That's wonderful to hear.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[Armadillo]

Rainy I love that you are thinking of staying at your job and standing up for yourself and asking directly about any performance concerns. I don't like the idea of you staying and being abused but love the idea you staying and standing up for Rainy.

Ugh your in laws sound awful.  I'm really happy to hear your husband was able to tell you about that conversation despite the enmeshment in the family. Do you feel reassured by him and how he is dealing with it right now?

[rainydiary]

Armadillo - I appreciate the outside perspective on my job.  I will do my best to take care.  I feel a giant shift in how I relate to the behavior of my colleagues...and to be honest I've encountered this type of behavior in almost every job I've had.  Not saying it is ok because it isn't, but I think it is systemic and I'm not really able to get away from it. 

Hope & Armadillo - I appreciate the insight and thoughts about my relationship woes.  I reflected on our exchange today.  I think something I often fail to keep in mind is that my husband is a rather anxious person.  He hides it pretty well, but a lot of his comments I believe often come from a place of anxiety.  Last night when he brought up his mom to me, I see now how much courage that must take given how negatively I have reacted in the past.  I didn't get as outwardly upset, but also badly timed getting up to leave the room after he mentioned this.  He interpreted my behavior as "upset" when really I was just cleaning up the dinner dishes before we watched a movie.  In his voice, I heard the anxiety. 

I think it is physically and emotionally painful for him to talk about his mom especially.  He has been made to feel responsible for her his whole life.  When I have a meltdown, I think I trigger him.  I think he is taken back to being a child made to feel responsible for his mother and whole family.  It's hard for me because he doesn't know this lingo and way of speaking and thinking so we miscommunicate and misattune especially on anything that even brushes up against the topic of his family.  I would imagine too his mom is especially amping up her game because she saw him standing up to her on the recent trip. 

I am beginning to tread into uncharted area here as I be mindful and aware of when he is triggered while also caring for myself when triggered.  It is complicated. 

[rainydiary]

I'm not feeling well emotionally today.  A lot of it is related to my menstrual cycle.  I have also been through a lot in the past several weeks.  I am feel a little bit worse than usual on days where I complete my long runs.  It's also hard to watch my cat change.  She is relatively ok for now but I notice changes in her ability to care for herself.  It is hurting my heart. 

While I was running today, I reflected on how I developed avoidance, passivity, and fawning in response to the abuse I experienced.  My poor little self thought these would help and change my abusers' minds that I was a good girl deserving of love. 

I see this dynamic being played out at work.  I have used these old coping strategies that don't work.  There strategies essentially erase me and leave a void.  My coworkers fill this void with their own story and put stuff on me that isn't mine.  My abusers did this too.  So, all that is happening at work is triggering these deep feelings of not being heard or seen. 

I can disrupt this pattern and try new ways.  It is very difficult though. 

[rainydiary]

My cat has continued to be out of sorts today more than usual.  I ended up bringing her to an animal ER.  Her back paw looks sick and she keeps fussing at it.  I am waiting for them to bring me an update. 

Being here is hard.  I feel like the people here are acting like I am being ridiculous.  I tried to clean to her paw but it was causing so much stress for both of us I decided it would be better for someone more experienced to help me. 

Earlier today I cried because I feel so incapable of caring for my cat as she ages and her kidney disease progresses.  Her needs feel bigger now and I feel out of my depth.  Really all of this is because I feel like the kidney disease put a timer on her.  She could live for years to come but now I know she is sick.  It hurts me. 

[Libby183]

Hello Rainy Diary.

I hope you are OK with me dipping into your journal. Since coming back to the forum, I have read some of your posts about your marriage and your problems with your in laws, both of which felt very familiar to me.

I just want to say how sorry I am to read about your worries about your cat. I have a dog, who means the world to me, and as she ages, and has episodes of illness, I am desperately worried about her, and the future. You put it so well when you referred to the timer on her.

I was also very struck by your awareness that your strategies of avoidance, defence and fawning ultimately led to you taking on stuff that wasn't yours. Since my h died, I have come to realise that this was happening a lot in our marriage. So your articulating this really helped me. Thank you.

I wish you well with your job. It sounds like you have a strong strategy to deal with the issues.

[rainydiary]

Libby, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing these observations.  It is so helpful to have you and the community here - it helps me feel supported. 

My cat ended having a foot infection.  I have no clue how that happened.  Of course the emergency vet mentioned it could be an autoimmune problem.  I just feel bad that her little body has been strong for long and now is encountering all kinds of things. 

I am exhausted today because I didn't sleep well.  My cat was given a collar to wear so that she won't lick her paw.  Well, she is hating the collar and gets stuck because she won't lift her head and is crouching low to the ground when moving.  She'll move if someone holds the collar for her...but obviously I can't do this if I am sleeping.  I slept some, but it wasn't enough and was definitely fueled by anxiety. 

My cat won't eat or drink because she is so stressed.  I gave her medicine this morning which I'm sure would go down better with food but I can't force her to eat.  It's also tricky since she has kidney disease, I can't get too creative with food.  The lack of eating and drinking is a common response for her when she is really stressed, so I hope she will calm down enough soon to eat and drink.

I have a medical appointment of my own tomorrow.  It is just a regular check up, but I don't enjoy going to the doctor.  Yet, I would rather try to be as proactive as I can with my health. 

My husband has been helpful with my cat.  Usually he leaves me to deal with her, but I have needed help especially with giving her medicine and he has helped.  We had planned to go hiking today and I'm not sure that is going to happen because of the cat.  She is at least not trying to get the collar off like she had been.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainydiary,

Dealing with your feline's problems is very difficult, but caring and doing what you can makes a difference. Caring for yourself by visiting the MD is proactive and self-love. I'm glad your H came through with some help.