Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Still feeling triggered by my coworker texting like that and not really accepting my boundary.  I sent her a follow up email to say that I would prefer if she sent that type of communication to my work email.  In the email I started defending myself and decided to not do that.  I told her I would let her know when I've worked on a schedule of my student support. 

I think she is really stressed out and trying to pull other people into that stress.  Her particular stress (which is that an open position that supports her job hasn't been filled) is not my responsibility.  I am sorry and know that she has a hard job.  But so does everyone else. 

I'm trying to understand what exactly is triggering me.  In all honesty I don't feel myself going back in time like I have in the past (such as her behavior sending me into an emotional flashback).  I am specifically triggered by her and her inconsiderate and hurtful behavior.  That is interesting to me.  I am in a better place I think to stand up to her.

Another part of this is we have a mutual colleague that in the past has been good friends with this person.  She was on the text too because she is on our team.  I have this dynamic with this colleague where I share all my stress.  This colleague is a good listener, but also I know she gets all the drama from the other person too.  I don't really trust her, but it is also hard for me to not talk to people that are willing to listen to me. 

I am holding back though.  I wanted to send this "friend" a text to be like "What was that all about?  Was my message ok?"  But I want to change that.  I don't feel better after talking to her.  Sometimes she unintentionally tells me things the other person has said and it just ends up hurting me.

I would like to relax but don't feel that way now.  Maybe I will journal and see if that helps. 

[Not Alone]

Emailing your coworker and telling her that it was too early and also that you prefer that she send those types of communications to your work email, were excellent and appropriate boundaries. No need to defend yourself. I can see where all that would be distressing. You did great.

[CactusFlower]

I agree with notalone, that's a perfectly normal and healthy boundary to set work coworkers. Sounds like you did quite well at it.

[Armadillo]

Your boundaries and decisions about what to share and not share were phenomenal with both your coworker and friend/coworker.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the validation Notalone, Cactus, and Armadillo. 

The colleague/"friend" I resisted reaching out to actually reached out to me.  Initially I kept it light, but we eventually went to the place we always end up in where she gets me wound up.  All of this right before bed.  Our interaction was a little different than usual.  I do value her as a colleague and I enjoy working with her.  She also sometimes can offer useful suggestions - she's been encouraging me to stand up for myself for a long time.  But there is just this underlying thing that leaves me uneasy - if she is willing to talk about others behind their back, I must be the topic sometimes too.  This will be an ongoing exploration of how to balance with her.

I feel off this morning.  My body is sore.  My mind is going over and over yesterday.  I feel unsettled.  My cat is eating and drinking as normal, but hasn't been doing her usual things.  She used to always come down and sleep on me in the night.  She hasn't done that in a while.  I feel like I need to prepare myself for difficult news at her next vet visit, namely that she may have some type of immune issue.  I think I am also not looking forward to a trip my husband and I are taking this weekend.  I like the town we are going to, but we are staying at a place I don't understand why he likes so much.  Well, I think he likes to stay at "cheap" places.  He has also been somewhat distant and somewhat unkind with me this week. 

It's like as hard as I try to face and address and be with what I am experiencing, I also get overwhelmed.  I do have a massage scheduled today.  I also need to run for my training plan.  Perhaps those things will help. I keep coming back to how much I desire connection.  Failed attempts at connection as I was growing up have been coming up for me this week.  I also have really stood up for myself a lot in the past week alone.  I am waiting for the consequences of that - I hope the outcomes will be good, but I am realistic and know that some things will be difficult.   

I had another thought I had wanted to write but it is gone. 

[Armadillo]

You're working super hard right now on some really difficult things,  Rainy. Changing longterm dynamics with people like your coworker, setting boundaries...those things are super exhausting. Be real kind and gentle with yourself, ok? I find those types of big changes when they are related to some of the past traumas can have their own repercussions.

I wish it were easier for you to connect with your husband. I'm sorry he has been being a bit unkind this week. You deserve to feel connected to your spouse and cared for.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armadillo.  It is tricky how even positive change is still change and can bring difficultly. 

As I was running this morning, I noticed grief. 

I am grieving for my cat.  I grieve her previous self that didn't have kidney disease.  I am already grieving a time where she isn't in my life anymore.  I am so worried she has an immune issue as she hasn't been her usual self.  I realized I feel responsible.  Even though I do not have the power to cause kidney disease and immune issues, I feel like I have done something that has led to this.  I feel self conscious for grieving something that hasn't happened.

And yet, I realize how present loss has been in my life.  I'm not sure I have always grieved my losses because of trauma and unsupportive relationships. 

I think I am also grieving myself.  I am grieving the person I tried to be to make other people feel good.  I grieve all the opportunities I might have missed along the way because I was just trying to survive.  I am grieving all the changes in my life that have happened and have yet to happen. 

I have a massage later today and I hope that will help me feel more comfortable in my body. 

[rainydiary]

I finally decided to take my cat back to the vet as her paw continues to look bad.  Her regular vet didn't have any immediate openings so I took her to the animal ER.  I didn't want to do that but they are the only place that doesn't require appointments.  I was advised that there will be a 2 hour wait for her to be seen and they suggested I leave her there.  I hate leaving her like that.  I feel so ill.  But, we need to get to the bottom of what is going on with her paw (even if I don't like the answer).

I am supposed to have lunch with a friend from college today.  I think I am going to have to cancel and reschedule as I don't think I would enjoy the visit as my mind will be distracted by my cat. 

Some of why I've been holding off on taking her to the vet is that my husband and I are supposed to go out of town this weekend.  I'm not sure what the vet will recommend and I had planned to go either way on Monday when we got back. 

My holding back is that my husband gets really sensitive about our plans having to change because of the cat.  His family didn't have pets growing up and he tends to struggle with giving up his own stuff for the sake of her.  He learned this from his parents who have no consideration for the needs of others (including their own children).  During this time of her illness, he has been more understanding and prioritizing of her, but he made a comment last night about how we're probably going to have to cancel our trip.  It hurts me when he says stuff like that.  This isn't intentionally done.  I can't help that she is sick right now.  Also, it is possible that with some medication she will be fine enough for us to leave town as she has a pet sitter that comes to check on her.

I have never wanted children of my own, but this is the kind of stuff that makes me glad we don't have children.  My parents and his put so much pressure on me about children and I have always stood my ground.  I knew that if we did have a child, I would be the one taking care of it and I didn't want that life for myself.  I don't have any regrets about that, I'm just sick of people pushing me about children. 

I hope to hear from the vet soon. 

[CactusFlower]

I hope your kitty will be okay. It's so hard when someone innocent that we love isn't well, even if they're a fur kid. and 2 hours at he animal ER? Wow, that's busy. I hope they can get to her quickly. :hugs:

[rainydiary]

Thank you CactusFlower.  She is home now and not doing too badly.  She has another cone and another round of antibiotics.  The cone I was given today is clear which seems to be helping some.  I think the last cone terrified her because she couldn't see.  She is still being annoying about the cone.  I bought some things I could put over her foot in case she continues to refuse to eat and drink.  I didn't ask about this as a plan, but I don't think they understand the level of angst she has with the collar on. 

I overheard my husband make a comment about our weekend to a coworker.  I wasn't meant to hear it.  He is entitled to disappointment that we will likely stay home now.  Part of me wonders if I have sabotaged our weekend by waiting until today to get my cat checked out. 

[rainydiary]

I realized I should have asked the vet what to do if my cat won't eat/drink with the cone on.  I called and left a message. 

My husband and I also talked.  He is free to go on the trip if he feels that strongly about going.  I told him he is welcome to go.  We'll see what he decides. 

I ended up rescheduling with my friend.  She was very understanding of that.  It's always a shock to my system when someone responds reasonably to a need I express. 

[Not Alone]

RainyDiary, I'm sorry your kitty is struggling. You didn't do anything wrong. You do an excellent job of taking care of her.

I would like to stand along side of you in your grief. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your words and support Notalone.   

I am drained.  I have exerted so much effort worrying about my cat today.  I took her collar off for now and plan to put it back on before bed so she doesn't lick her paw. 

I hope to relax some this evening. 

[Jazzy]

This all sounds very challenging, Rainydiary!

I am very impressed by the fact that you are continue to learn and grow despite it all, like how you realized it would be good to ask about the cat's eating/drinking, so you called. It is great how much you care for your cat, I am very happy to see that. I wish there was more of it in the world. I think you are very well in tune with your cat's needs, both physically and emotionally. That is wonderful! I'm sure it has made her struggles much easier.

One thing in particular which stood out to me is this:

I was advised that there will be a 2 hour wait for her to be seen and they suggested I leave her there.  I hate leaving her like that.  I feel so ill.

I find that just because someone advises/suggests something, doesn't mean I need to follow it. If something upsets me so much that I feel ill, I will find another solution. In this case, perhaps I would have stayed with the cat, or brought it back closer to the end of the 2 hours. There are often long wait times here in Canada for medical appointments, so I frequently leave the office. I be sure to make the secretary aware of this, confirm the estimated wait time, be back before then, and ask them to call me on my cell if they are ready for me earlier than expected.

I realize this sort of thing is difficult to do, and not everyone will be open and respond positively to it. However, my health is important to me, as is yours and your cat's. If it works well for you, I hope you find a way to deal with situations like this which results in less of a negative impact (e.g. feeling ill). It may take some time and practice, but I see a lot of improvement in your life. I'm sure you will continue to do what is best for yourself.

All the best to you, Rainydiary

<3 Jazzy

[Armadillo]

 

I'm sorry your kitty feels unwell, I'm sorry that your husband acts resentful. I'm proud of you for standing your ground about children. I can't believe people push others about this. Grrr.