Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate the guidance of doing what seems right for me in my situation even if it is for my cat.   

Armadillo, I appreciate the support.  I work with children and see so many different situations and experiences.  I do not understand the pressure put on women to have children.  I am judged a lot for it not only by my family but people at work.  I try to not let it get to me because this feels right for me, but it is difficult some days. 

I didn't get a night of unbroken sleep.  I put my cat's cone back on her and right after I fell asleep I heard her using her litter box.  I thought it was good that she did that with the collar.  She had actually found a way out of the collar as I hadn't gotten it on well enough.  So I put it back on her for the night. 

This morning I found that the collar had stayed.  I took the collar off so she would eat, drink, use the litter box.  I managed to administer her medicine.  This antibiotic seems to go down a bit easier for her - she is just not happy with me forcing all these things on her. 

I need to run later and am debating if I will put the collar back on while I am gone.  Probably because she keeps trying to hide to lick her paw which I can disrupt when I am here. 

She's supposed to wear the collar for 2 weeks.  I'm not sure I can handle it as none of us get enough sleep like this. 

It was also way too warm for me last night and today I feel very warm in my body.  This tends to happen at times and is somewhat normal for me.  It could also be related to my age and stage of reproductive health.  If I can get going soon for my run it is cooler outside and that should help me feel better. 

[rainydiary]

Today is turning into an interesting time. 

My cat and I are finding a balance between her wearing the collar and not.  She won't sleep with it on and I am finding that as long as she is sleeping or in my line of sight as she eats or drinks or cares for herself, we are good.  If she is going to be awake for long or if I need to do something where I can't watch her, the collar has to go on as her instinct is to lick her paw.  It is starting to look better already with the medication. 

My husband decided to go on the trip we had planned on his own.  This is a new phase of our relationship.  We have been co-dependent for so long.  I hope he enjoys himself.  I am sorry to miss out, but my cat needs my help.  I am also honestly glad for some time to myself.  I am a solitary being and benefit from some downtime on my own which I haven't had since the pandemic.  It will be interesting to see how this impacts our relationship. 

I thought I had adequately cleaned my mattress the night my cat peed on it.  The smell is lingering.  I've been on the fence for a while about buying a new mattress and this is pushing me to buy.  So I am going to make that purchase shortly. 

[Not Alone]

I'm glad that your cat's paw seems to be healing. It sounds like you've found a good balance with using the cone collar.

Enjoy your time alone.

[Armadillo]

 

I'm glad you and your cat found a balance and hope the weekend apart from H is helpful and rejuvenating to you both.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Notalone and Armadillo. 

Today is going ok so far.  I am feeling a little run down.  I think my cat is in pain today.  Healing does hurt unfortunately. 

My inner critic is giving me a tough time today.  I am feeling badly that I didn't help my cat heal properly the first time and now we are prolonging this experience.  I am thinking about the past several weeks and wondering if I am making the right choices for myself. 

The afternoon is generally my worst part of the day.  I will try to be easy on myself the next several hours.

[Alter-eg0]

Just checking in to say that i'm reading, and I'm here (even though I don't have much to say).

Good on you for going easy on yourself. Things are easier to work through when you come from a place of (self)compassion.

Take care

[Blueberry]

Sending compassion, rainydiary. My inner critic has often been pretty hard on me for not being something 'enough' for my pets. But as with me, I'm sure you have been looking after your cat as much and as well as you can with cptsd and everything else.   

[rainydiary]

Alter-Eg0, I appreciate you reading and checking in.   

Blueberry, I appreciate the solidarity.   

Highs of the day:

I was able to relax for a long period of time while my cat slept. 

I made a dinner I haven't made in a while that I know my husband wouldn't have liked. 

I learned about Ayurveda and am exploring diet changes along with what I am learning to see what impact they might have. 

I worked on my current cross stitch project and watched a show I enjoy. 

I completed a yoga sequence.

Lows for the day:

My cat is extra tired from the medication she is taking.

I dread giving my cat her medicine. 

My husband checked in a bit today but otherwise did not communicate with me or ask how I am or how the cat is.

I didn't push communication on my husband but also feel hurt that he didn't reach out more.

—————————

I think overall today was good.  I am feeling a bit confused about communication.  I get upset when my husband (and others) communicates so little with me.  I wonder what it says about my communication.  I find that in certain groups or with certain individuals, I can communicate really well.  I wonder if it would help me to identify features of the times it goes well. 

The hardest for me today is my husband not asking about me or our cat.  It's not especially surprising, but it made me feel bad.  I asked about his day and I got nothing in return.  We've just been really out of sync lately and I made a decision to give him his space this weekend.  Sometimes his lack of curiosity in things I do or care about really snags.  I hope to find a way to talk to him about this.   

I hope to get to sleep soon.  My cat is in her collar for the night.  She didn't eat much today as I think the medication is taking a toll.  I hope she will eat more in the morning. 

[rainydiary]

Today I am noticing something that comes up from time to time (or all the time really).  Nothing in particular is wrong, but I feel this deep shame that can't be explained by my current circumstances.

I know it is my wound(s).  It's frustrating because it is so deep.  I read recently how the cells in our body are constantly changing.  My body isn't completely the same as it was yesterday or perhaps even a few hours ago.  The trick is that our brain cells don't change like that.  Although neuroplasicity is a thing, it takes so much work.   

[rainydiary]

I'm getting lost in some sadness right now. 

My husband is back and it would seem the weekend maybe wasn't so great for him.  I am still taking his words as implicit criticism.  He didn't ask about my weekend or how the cat is doing. 

I notice a shift in myself as he is back.  This isn't specific to him, but when I am around other people I still do all I can to be pleasing to them even if I don't realize I am doing it.  When he is here, I often don't make plans and keep my options open to go with whatever whim he has.  I don't act the same as I do when I am on my.  Perhaps no one does, but I find this so exhausting.

Not only now am I the carer of my cat but also my husband.  I think I am still taking responsibility for things that are only in his control.  It's hard on me because he is experiencing a great deal of stress and he isn't satisfied in his life.  In many ways I feel responsible for that.  I have identified things I do that aren't helpful for either of us.  But, sometimes I feel like we just hold each other back. 

I feel extremely guilty talking about husband here.  He certainly isn't perfect and has also been a big part of what has helped me come to my healing journey.  He brings his own baggage which is what I am constantly impacted by and not always sure how to deal with. 

I did a meditation today and the guide reminded me that self-compassion is there as a comfort when we constantly fall short of the perfection we think we need to achieve.  That is something helpful but so challenging for me to hear. 

[rainydiary]

I tried to talk to my husband.  I think I ended up doing it badly.  The need I realize I have is that I would like to be asked how I am.  I sort of said that and then because I was bottling up, I said a bunch of other stuff too. 

I have a meeting for the yoga training I am doing tonight and am so worn down.  I am learning a lot in the training but it isn't really bringing the connection I had hoped for. 

[rainydiary]

Tonight in our training we talked about the word reciprocity.

I find that I notice a lack of reciprocity in my life.  I wasn't taught how to develop situations that are mutually beneficial only that I didn't deserve anything because I am deeply flawed. 

What struck me in the conversation is a comment that someone made that we don't get to decide what others need.  That is a complicated idea when it applies to large groups and institutions.  But it resonates with me.  It is also a reminder for me.

Because I am so hard on myself, I am hard on others.  I also tend to find myself in situations where I get stuck.  I hope that I get better at identifying and expressing my needs, I will learn how to create mutually beneficial relationships as much as possible.  The important part is for the individuals involved to say as much as they can about what would be beneficial. 

[Armadillo]

Just sending you a  as you navigate this difficult time in your relationship.

[Libby183]

Everything you said about reciprocity in relationships is spot on, I think. Like you said, it's hard to ask for what you need, when you were told repeatedly that you didn't deserve anything. Then you become so reliant on those closest to you, but they are often not willing or able to give you what you want or need. Certainly, that's where I ended up.

I hope that things start to resolve for you, as you see more clearly what you both need and deserve. You are clearly a kind and deserving person.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Armadillo & Libby.  I appreciate the nourishing words you offered.

I am reading a book called Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra for my training. 

Today in the chapter I read, these two quotes really stood out to me:

"Fatigue is the shadow of old stresses that build up in the nervous system."

"There is more self-control in letting go than in trying to control one's body by force."

It's difficult to put into words why these quotes stood out.  I felt them deep in my body.  I feel how much I hold on to and how tired I am from things that have happened.  I am slowly releasing old things, but feel how much is still there.