Rainy Diary 2021

[Blueberry]

Because I am so hard on myself, I am hard on others.  I also tend to find myself in situations where I get stuck. 

This really resonates with me. Since you have mentioned that kind of thing a few times in my Journal recently, I thought I'd tell you too.

I'm really sorry that you were taught that you were deeply flawed and non-deserving. It was pretty much that way for me too, actually. I wish I could feel anger for both of us, but I can't atm. Of course you deserve mutually beneficial situations and you are not flawed!

[Armadillo]

Thanks for sharing these quotes, Rainy.

The one about fatigue resonates much with me, too.

I hope you have a better day today with more connection. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you checking in to say that.  I also appreciate your kindness with faulty messaging I received growing up.   

Armadillo, I am glad I shared the quotes and that some make sense in your experience too. 

Wednesdays are an odd day for me.  Since I've lived in my current state, Wednesdays have been the hardest in my jobs.  They have been the days where I've had the most difficult conversations and felt the most out of control.  It's weird to feel this on a break from work.  I wonder how I can adjust my feelings toward Wednesdays. 

My cat is doing a lot better.  I have to acknowledge that she didn't completely heal her paw the first time we went to the emergency vet in part because of the way I provided her home care.  I was so stressed she wasn't eating or drinking, I lost sight of the long term.  I was also really triggered by the vet making an off hand comment that her issue could be autoimmune and I think I had essentially convinced myself she was actively dying.  Her paw is still healing and we are both sick of her cone/collar and of taking the antibiotic, but we will persist. 

[rainydiary]

My day is just starting.  I am noticing I am very tired. 

Taking care of my cat has been really instructive for me.  It is giving me perspective on things I haven't really had.  But it is exhausting. 

I am also tired from all the running I've been doing.  It is so much time and effort. 

I have been learning a lot too which takes a toll on me.  I process things very deeply and it is exhausting. 

It's interesting to me that I do things others would tell me to do to take care of myself (exercise, get sleep, eat well) but living with CPTSD and the way my brain and body were made to work makes that challenging a lot of the time.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry you are very tired at the start of your day. That is so difficult. Are you able to rest again? I find that quite helpful.

I appreciate your wisdom here, Rainydiary. You make many good points, especially about how you do what others tell you. That is how we have conditioned to behave, is it not?

However we know ourselves best, not anyone else. I'm glad you are listening to your mind and body, and learning how important this is. I hope you take action, or non-action when appropriate, based on your insight. I'm sure that doing what is best for yourself will have tremendously positive results.   

<3 Niko

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Jazzy. 

I am feeling really vulnerable and worn down today which I don't think is only about sleep. 

I am noticing that times I need specific examples of good things to hold on to. 

Pete Walker has a chart in the back of his book that I haven't been able to fill out before. 

I will try it now. 

[Armadillo]

I wish you were feeling as energetic as you'd like Rainy. I appreciate you saying that even though you have a healthy lifestyle the CPTSD still is there affecting you. The "you just need to...." is exhausting. I hope you can take a few hours to embrace the low energy.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate the words of support. 

I've noticed a couple of things at play today. 

One is I am processing my work drama on a different level than before.  I think that as the first day of a new school year approaches, I am noticing how upset I still am at the two women who spoke to me so disrespectfully on my last day in May.  I imagine myself saying mean things to them so that they feel as bad as I feel.  That wouldn't actually help anything, but I don't know how to imagine a more productive way forward. 

Despite how good I felt advocating for myself a few weeks ago, I now see that some of the comments made during that meeting (namely that I need to assume "positive intent" on the part of my coworkers) makes me upset too.  This is especially challenging because the people saying that crap are my bosses and giving feedback to a boss is way different than to a colleague. 

I also fear retaliation by my colleagues, especially the one who felt the need to text me during our break to freak out about something I cannot possibly work on right now.  It's eating at me that people I spend most of my days with from August to May go behind my back and paint this picture of me that does not at all represent me. 

And I fear that I won't be able to handle it.  I have so many ideas and a plan for how I will approach my work this year.  I also know that in the moment and situations when I am doing all I can to hold it together emotionally, I struggle.

I am moving into uncharted territory for me. And out of fear I'm clinging onto things that have happened as a way to cope. 

I am just extremely tired today.  On many levels. 

[Jazzy]

Rainydiary

I'm sorry you are struggling, afraid, and exhausted. These things are so incredibly difficult.

I am very impressed by how you have listened to yourself and expressed your needs here:

I am noticing that times I need specific examples of good things to hold on to.

You sharing this empowers me to be a better support, so thank you very much. We both benefit from this!

I also see this as a strong example of how much you've improved recently. In the not so distant past I certainly would not want anything I said to be pointed out specifically, even if it was good. That was too scary for me. It is great that you have overcome that fear.

One is I am processing my work drama on a different level than before

Growth! Excellent! Good job working through things and seeing these positive results in your life.

I am noticing how upset I still am at the two women who spoke to me so disrespectfully on my last day in May.

While being upset takes it's toll, it is good that you no longer easily accept being disrespected!

I imagine myself saying mean things to them so that they feel as bad as I feel.  That wouldn't actually help anything, but I don't know how to imagine a more productive way forward.

I understand; this is a perfectly natural feeling. Many people want to root for the underdog, and give the bullies a taste of their own medicine, and for good reason!

However we know how damaging that "medicine" is, and that as good as it may feel, it is not the best response. I have found a much better way, though it is also much more challenging. Confidently speaking the truth is inexplicably powerful and liberating.

Some people will not like it, which is even more difficult to deal with, but those people have not been through what you have been through, and they do not dictate what is best for your life.

While I would very much like to say mean things to those ladies on your behalf, I would tell them that their behaviour is disrespectful, rude, hurtful, and completely unprofessional.

They may get defensive and lash out. This only serves to prove the truth of my words for all to see. They cannot hurt me, as I recognize the toxicity of that behaviour and no longer tolerate it.

They also may realize how bad their behaviour is and apologize. I find that most people react much better to confident truth that is not mean than I previously expected.

I now see that some of the comments made during that meeting (namely that I need to assume "positive intent" on the part of my coworkers) makes me upset too.

Clearly your boss has a poor understanding of what is going on with the employees under their care, and is more focused on avoiding conflict than a healthy and productive work place. I wonder if your colleagues are unprofessional because they are following your boss' example.

It is good that you recognize these things emotionally. This will help you be able to stand up for yourself, or at very least find a better situation.

It's eating at me that people I spend most of my days with from August to May go behind my back and paint this picture of me that does not at all represent me.

Yes, this is very upsetting. It is difficult for me to believe that fully grown adults are behaving this way at work. If I recall correctly, you work with children. I am very concerned over what those children are learning from these people.

And I fear that I won't be able to handle it.  I have so many ideas and a plan for how I will approach my work this year.  I also know that in the moment and situations when I am doing all I can to hold it together emotionally, I struggle.

It shows such incredible strength that despite your struggles, you have so many ideas and plans for the coming year. Clearly you are in a league of your own, far above that of the colleagues you speak of.

I am moving into uncharted territory for me. And out of fear I'm clinging onto things that have happened as a way to cope.

Uncharted territory is scary and difficult. It is dangerous, but it also has tremendous potential for good. Clinging to old coping mechanisms is a very natural thing to do. Yet those things can hold us back. I find that by moving forward at a tolerable pace, no matter how slow it may feel, allows me to test out those waters without needing so many of the old mechanisms.

I am just extremely tired today.  On many levels.

I am sorry you are so tired. I have no doubt of this. With how toxic your work environment is and the time approaching where you are expected to go back, I expect you are far more than tired.

Your words say that your body is telling you need rest and peace, healing instead of toxicity. I hope you find a way to do best by yourself. You alone have the power to make that happen.

I truly hope you find peace and are feeling better soon.

<3 Niko

[Jazzy]

The trick is that our brain cells don't change like that.  Although neuroplasicity is a thing, it takes so much work.   

[TW: Medical]


This really stands out to me. I see it a bit differently. Trauma is an extremely deep wound made worse over many years. Imagine a deep cut that has been infected for years and unable to seal and heal properly.

Certainly that is not going to heal over night, but it heals extremely quickly when it is given what it needs. In my experience, carrying on with normal life with this kind of injury makes the healing process take so much longer.

E.g. Professional athletes with an injury do not continue playing. They receive prompt high quality medical attention, then rest, often in special oxygen chambers.

I understand that dedicating so much time and effort to healing is extremely challenging, especially when others have expectations of us, but the truth is that deep wounds need special care.

If you want your wounds to heal faster and better, then give them more time and attention. As you have stated, that means working through the challenge of taking care of yourself. Resting is one of the most difficult things I am doing right now. Surely many people will not understand that sentence, but I believe you and others with trauma do.

I also know that drastic changes are not always possible, and often not even good. I got to where I am one step at a time. Some of those steps were tiny, some of them were large. Prioritizing myself and doing what I can, when I can is key.

I hope you work out what is best for you.

<3 Niko

[rainydiary]

Niko, I appreciate your perspective on healing.  I especially appreciate the wording of how different wounds require different care. 

I slept better last night than I have been.  What's been happening is I will either have just fallen asleep or be very close to falling asleep and something (lately it's been my cat protesting her cone) will wake me up.  That disruption makes my sleep less good even if I sleep the rest of the night. 

My cat and I still have another week of dealing with her cone and medication.  Her paw is looking a lot better.  I am wanting to ease up on her because it is exhausting me and she is putting up more of a fight.  I reminded myself yesterday that I can either stay the course now or have more difficult issues to deal with later. 

My husband's work is expanding their services to include clients outside of our country.  We need to get our passports renewed (they expired last year during the pandemic) and apparently there is a huge processing time to get that done.  He and I have been talking about the possibility of moving to another country if he had a job opportunity.  I personally would be fine with it - I lived in other countries growing up (although it is a little different when you live on a military base).  I do think this would be a HUGE shift.  Given how enmeshed his family is, I can't see this actually happening.  I am imagining his mom freaking out and finding that image funny.  I guess we'll see how this plays out. 

I am supposed to have lunch with my friend today.  We rescheduled from last week.  I am pretty nervous. 

[Jazzy]

I'm glad you rested more peacefully last night.

I understand how these disruptions make such a difference. While you may not wake up throughout the rest of the night, I'm sure they still have an impact.

I hear you that you are concerned for your cat, as she is distressed. I wonder if there is another solution besides the cone? The cone fulfils and important role, and it is common because it is easier for most people. Easier is not always best though, and you are not most people.

I hope things go well with your husband and work.

It makes sense that you are nervous having lunch with your friend, considering how many people treat you. I hope this friend treats you better, and you are able to clearly see the truth of how they treat you.

What are your feelings and thoughts about my quotes and specific examples? I expect it is not easy to read all of that. Perhaps fewer quotes would be better, as manageable sized steps are so important.

[Jazzy]

RainyDiary

I cannot find the exact quote I am looking for, but there is something in your writing that feels discouraging, especially when you talk about how tired you are.

You have come so far in your healing journey, and improved so much! It has taken me a few moments to process this seeming contradiction. I find it is incredibly important to do so. When I find seeming contradictions like this, it is a strong indicator that I do not understand the situation fully.

After thinking about it further, I believe you are frustrated because you are not yet finished healing. I am so happy about this. It is easy to stop healing when things get a bit better. I have seen so many people limit themselves in this way. You are an amazing, loving person with so much potential. I hope you exceed even the possibilities I see in you, which I'm sure you will, so long as you don't give up on improving yourself.

Another important thing frustration tells me is that there is a better way. I do my best to offer pointers based on my own experience, but it is up to you to find that better way for yourself. You are doing such a great job, but I think we can all do a bit better, even when doing a bit better is doing a bit less.

<3 Niko

[Not Alone]

Rainydiary, I caught up on your journal today. I hear how tired you've been. Also, how difficult it has been to care for your cat. I suppose the fact that she is fighting the cone more is a sign that she is feeling better, but still hard for both of you.

Hope your lunch with your friend went well.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

There's a lot to contemplate and the potential changes are huge. I believe you are holding up well and I especially liked this image and observation.

am imagining his mom freaking out and finding that image funny.

Glad you're able to see the humor.  That shows a special kind of  balance on your part,