Rainy Diary 2021

[Blueberry]

  to you rainydiary

on planning to have some honest conversations with your H if you both do indeed move overseas. Good on you for thinking in advance of ways to make the situation easier for yourself. I know you don't have to actually deal with it now, but maybe it calms down some anxiety (even unconscious anxiety) you have about the situation of H's parents swooping in? I think it reflects a stronger you. You have been taking steps recently to protect yourself in other situations e.g. at work.

I'm sorry you're feeling queasy. I hope that lessens, and yes, maybe you won't have to move and/or you will decide you don't want to. End of story. 

[CactusFlower]

Agreeing with Blueberry here, I hope you feel better about it and kudos to you for being prepared to have those conversations. That's a big decision to make and undertake, so small steps will get you there if that's the plan. Fingers crossed for whatever is the best outcome for you!

[Jazzy]

Hi Rainy, there is one point I feel very important to make.

I do not expect you to have the level of success you desire in social situations right now. Connecting with others in person is mentally exhausting, especially as a neurodivergent individual.

(Is neurodivergent the correct word? My spell check says no but my memory says that’s the word you’ve used previously.)

Right now your mind is busy with higher priority tasks; the foremost being living through trauma.

Once that either becomes easier for you, or hopefully you overcome your trauma completely, I am confident that you will be able to master social situations with a bit of dedication.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate you reading.  I often read folks' journals and want to say something but am not always sure what. 

.......

Wow, I am drained.  I enjoyed the first half day of the conference but it was exhausting.  I think I will learn a lot.  I do resent their attitude of forcing people to speak and participate outwardly.  That doesn't work for everyone and I am surprised that an organization that wants to provide support to people who need understanding and patience aren't more responsive to different ways of participation.  If given the opportunity to provide feedback I may say that but we'll see how the rest of the days go.

I didn't stay for the dinner or evening activities and I'm sure someone will make a comment to me tomorrow.  I don't care though - I needed to leave to take care of myself. 

I have decided to stop putting the collar on my cat.  Tomorrow is the last day anyhow and her paw is so much better.  Based on today with less collar time, I don't notice her paw looking more agitated.  My fingers are crossed that we finally resolved whatever was making her paw sick. 

I have a headache and I hope it eases some.  Sleep will help. 

[rainydiary]

Yikes, I realized I didn't read the newer posts from Blueberry, Sage and Jazzy.  I wanted to comment on those too - sometimes I click on the last thing I wrote and that doesn't necessarily bring me to the newest place.

.....

Blueberry, I appreciate your validation.  My anxiety is born of the past and not wanting the past to repeat itself.  I think my H has grown too and would possibly act and react in different ways than before.  I hope we will both face whatever is coming together. 

.....

Sage, I appreciate your words and validation.  I think the difference for us now (or at least I hope) is that we will be active participants instead of just letting things happen and getting swept away. 

.....

Jazzy, I appreciate your thoughts on social situations.  My device doesn't like the word neurodivergent either.  Right now that word is the best to capture my experience.  I notice I have developed a lot of ways of managing my differences in sensory and processing as I've been working on healing my trauma.  I think it is because I have come so far in healing, that I can see my neurology in a different way than before and honor it better.   

[Jazzy]

 

[Jazzy]

So just a few more words:

I asked you about the word neurodivergent because I trust you know yourself better than my autocorrect.

I also looked it up, but again, you speaking the truth of your reality is more accurate than any dictionary or medical text.

I'm so glad you have learned that, this message is more to others about how important the fact that we know our own bodies best is, though I hope you find encouragement in my agreement with you as well.

As for the emotional part; I'm sorry I missed that earlier. I can't imagine how drained you are. I couldn't do that conference right now; I continue to be impressed with the amount of stress you take on, yet also hope you reduce it temporarily for your own sake.

Sleep sounds great! I'm glad you're getting good rest these days. I guess the new mattress is good eh? Personally I want a bath. I wish I had a tub. 🙂

All the best tomorrow and the rest of the conference.

[rainydiary]

Oh man this day has been overwhelming. 

I'm worried my cat's paw is still not healing as expected.  We are done with her medication.  I plan to keep her from licking it for a bit and see if it helps.  I scheduled a time with her regular vet. 

I could be overreacting to her paw because I had a difficult day.  I had some good conversations at the conference but also feel like some conversations overall could be better had.  I think the conference overlooks some very real things and those things seem hurtful to me. 

[rainydiary]

I am finding myself wanting to reflect more on my day and what exactly happened.  I am seeing that I am being rather hard on myself right now.  I tried reading the self-gratitude 12x12 I made.  It helped a bit. 

Today I had successes and challenges.  My challenges:

The conference wasn't run very timely - I am a timely person and it bugs me when others aren't.  It bugs me because I tend to be very routined and plan my energy needs based on a schedule.  And yet, does a schedule ultimately matter? 

A presenter discussed trauma and I found the entire presentation and the discussion from participants to be triggering.  I was remembering the moment in a training where I began crying uncontrollably when the group was talking about happy memories from their childhood and when it was my turn, I burst into tears (this was before I acknowledged my trauma).  It was terrible and I think that the presenter took this attitude of being a know it all and there were some folks in the group that were so insistent on their view that I found it abrasive.

Most of today was spent in me listening and observing parents.  Hearing them talk was triggering.  I am still really sensitive about parents.  I think the conference is trying to empower parents but was also disparaging the profession I am in.  Maybe they don't think that is what they were doing but that is how it felt at times. 

During one particular group, I heard parents ask this person with a disability a lot of questions and then invalidate the person's feelings when their own feelings came up.  After the group, I approached the person and asked him if he was ok with how that group went.  I tried to express my viewpoint that the questions the parents asked were such that they were trying to make him representative of all people with that disability and I worried that the parents processing their feelings using this person's emotional labor was not right.  This person didn't have that perspective so then I felt foolish for saying anything to him.  I worried that I caused harm by approaching him. 

The positives

I made a conference friend whose experience as a person of color I was worried was not being taken into account.  I opened a conversation with her about my observations and she opened up a bit to me.  She shared an instance of a microaggression and we were able to process some of the conference together. 

A somewhat less positive is that I didn't see her before I left and I'm not sure I am going to go the last day tomorrow.  I worry that I was too awkward with her when really she doesn't owe me anything and deserves her space to be.  It has been too overwhelming and not in a positive way to be at that conference. 

I wasn't expecting being there to trigger me so much.  I don't think I understood before going how much parent interaction I would have and that is still a very sensitive dynamic for me. 

I am trying to find compassion.  We are all human and we do things imperfectly.  Even though the parents rubbed me the wrong way, they were there trying to find ways to help their kids.  Maybe that also hurt me in a way I didn't acknowledge - my parents never showed any outward signs of trying to not be abusive or learn new ways to be more attuned to me and my siblings.  Hearing some of the parents also openly talk about their love for their children also made me sore in my heart. 

Wow, I don't think I was checking with myself during the past two days.  I continue to learn but also to feel so hurt when I speak.  I'm sure most of the people I spoke to or in a group with aren't thinking about me at all.  I am trying to use my voice and hate feeling like I messed it up.  It's more I hate feeling misheard or invalidated by people that act like they have it all figured out. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy Diary,
You've been doing such a lot, and also doing a lot of heavy processing kind of stuff.   I think any one of those things would take a lot out of a person, so having all of them, it would be many challenges.  I just wanted to say that I hope that you get chance to have some time to do whatever you want to do, over the weekend - and I also wanted to send you a supportive hug 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the comfort offered. 

.........

I did not sleep well last night.  I had trouble falling asleep.  Once I slept, it was fine but not enough. 

My cat hasn't been settled this morning.  She seems stressed and I am hoping that she calms down. I think there has been so much change and poking and prodding that she is responding to all of that.  I hope that is the case and that we don't need another vet visit.

My long run today didn't go the way I planned.  I did not feel well.  I decided to cut my run short.  Sometimes there are times to push through but today didn't feel like one of those days. 

[CactusFlower]

Hi Rainy Diary-

that sounds like a pretty intense conference for you. I second Hope, and hope (hah) that you can get some rest and recovery time. Two thoughts as I read your entry:

1-perhaps your cat is actually getting better, and is just antsy. I know many people can get impatient with healing and want to be active and back to normal again, I would think animals might experience that too. Thinking good thoughts for the kitty!
2- As someone who was an admin and helped run events for years, I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect something like that to be better coordinated. Yes, stuff happens that you can't predict during the day, but an event run like you described comes across as poorly planned, poorly executed, and less than professional. Which impacts their image negatively. It's a shame that was disappointing for you.

[Blueberry]

  I decided to cut my run short.  Sometimes there are times to push through but today didn't feel like one of those days.

I'm so glad you allowed yourself a time of not pushing yourself to complete your day's goal. I hope you feel better soon, and I hope your cat does too. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

I'm hearing you;

the memories, frustration, awkwardness and also the bits of connection you made with other attendees, disabled and  different from you. I question myself about these interactions as well, and would like to suggest that you were well received and your interpretations of others' views are just one of many possible ways to react. As a disabled person, (when it's "discovered") taking questions is affirming and a great advocacy opportunity. I can see why you interpreted the laser focus as you did, but chances are, after a while, that might fall off the radar. Can give yourself credit for your sensitivity and empathy instead?

Once I attended a literary group in which there was one person of color, and because I married a black man and had biracial children, felt the urge to reach out. It created a lovely short term relationship which empowered both of us. You never know what the seed you plant is going to do.

You are the best one to gauge your energy level and coping skills with all events, whether professional or  not. You'll intuitively know what's best for you tomorrow. 

[rainydiary]

Sage, I appreciate your words for my cat and my conference experience.  I'm still caught off guard by how intense I reacted to that conference.  I'm learning a lot of things and see things in a new way and trying to carry out that learning is proving challenging.  I'll say more about my cat below, but I am feeling better about her.

..........

Blueberry, thank you for your words.  It's funny that both my cat and I are so alike - we've both been having foot troubles and need rest.  I am feeling the benefit of taking that time for myself physically even if I still need emotional, psychological, and spiritual care too.

..........

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your perspective on how affirming it can be to be asked questions.  I think that what bothered me was that the man shared a story about his difficulty with his parents and parents listening to his story reacted in a way that made me feel like they invalidated his share and made it about them.  What the man told me when I checked in with him is that he thinks their reaction is natural.  I found him generous in his approach.  I also feel the pain of the way our society views and treats people with disabilities.  For me the fight is bigger and my reaction was from that larger perspective.  During the conference some researchers were there and said that the field needs researchers in this area.  It made me wonder if it would be something that would suit me better. 

..........

I haven't felt great most of today because I am tired and I was worried about my cat.  My worry caused a conflict with my husband. 

My worry was that my cat wasn't eating today.  She regurgitated her food yesterday and today wouldn't touch it.  All day she has been trying to eat salty foods my husband and I had out.  She finally succeeded (from her perspective) and ate some salty food.  It seemed that she was craving that food.  I'm sure she isn't supposed to have it with her kidney disease but also I trust a creature's wisdom of what their body needs.  It seems that her current kidney food is not cutting it anymore.  I had some of her old food left and plan to give it to her along her new food until I can call her vet and get some other options. 

Since she ate, I feel a lot better.  I hope to sleep better tonight which I've been hoping for a number of nights of late.