Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

I'm noticing how much I have lived in my head since May 24th.

I am imagining all kinds of conversations I will have.  Yet there is more beyond those conversations I can't see - the ways in which I hope to interact differently with others and be more authentic and true to myself. 

I am feeling far away from my husband.  I notice him attempting to make changes after I share a need (such as asking me more questions).  And yet I am still not really able to share my inner experience with him a way that I would like.  He has also been rude to me about my care for my cat and it is upsetting me. 

All of the running training I am doing is taking a toll on my time, my energy, my mind, my body.  I'm questioning if it is worth it or I can reach the goal I set for myself. 

I need some kind of rest I can't seem to find or access right now. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

the amount of introspection you're doing right now is amazing.  i hope you're not feeling overwhelmed.  maybe that's why the idea of getting some rest of some kind is on your mind.  it sounds like you're balancing a lot on your plate right now.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a warm, caring hug your way.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate your reflection.  I am trying to learn to embrace how introspective my nature is while also not letting it overwhelm me.  I got into overwhelm of late and hope this week will be less difficult.  I've had some good crys the past few days that relieved me some. 

..........

Yesterday I ended up trying to connect with my husband and share my inner experience.  I didn't think it was working at first.  Then he shared a compliment. 

He shared that he is impressed with all the running I've been doing and he's been bragging to his coworkers about it.  My husband has never said something like that to me before.  It actually meant a lot and made me feel like we are making progress. 

As the beginning of another school year approaches, I am growing more and more aware of what I will be facing. 

Today I decided to try to write out what I wanted to say to my colleagues.  I had been playing with lines in my head for a long time and needed to get it out.  As I was writing though, I realized I was coming from a place where I wanted my words to cause pain and hurt because that is how I feel.

I stopped and asked what it is I want.  I want my colleagues to hear and listen to the way I approach my work.  I have some ideas of how I hope to share my plans.  Ultimately they don't have to agree with me and I'm not worried about that.  It is important to me to be heard. 

My cat has been so stressed the past few days.  In general I think she is trending toward feeling more like herself.  But she has overgroomed herself to the point of having so many hairballs. 

I am trying to care for her and offer her comfort where I can...but each thing I figure out seems to last one time and then stop working.  I think we are just going to need some time and patience. 

[Armee]

Ultra running will take it out of just about anyone.  keep listening to your body like you've been doing. Like how you realized you weren't providing it enough fuel a couple weeks ago.

I think it shows a lot of dedication that you keep trying to get your husband to understand how to support you. Keep trying and modeling for him. You deserve his support.

I'm learning that sometimes things that are out of my control are truly out of my control and that the healthiest thing for all is to just let things be as they are...acceptance blah blah blah. But I think you are onto something with your cat...and the healing process just needing time and patience. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I am glad to hear from you and appreciate the support. 

..........

I am rather overwhelmed today.  I think all of my thinking and worrying and whatever is getting to me.

I will see what I can cut out today and try to rest.  I'm noticing I'm not really giving myself permission to do so. 

I am stuck in expectations.  I have always held onto the expectation that things will get better.  In many ways that has been the case and in others it hasn't. 

[rainydiary]

As the day has gone on, I've felt better.  I felt so weird this morning physically.  I spent most of the day taking it as easy as I could.

My cat and I cuddled for most of the day.  We are having to rebuild trust as her routine was disrupted a lot the past month and more.  She must be starting to feel better as she has stopped regurgitating her food and coughing up hairballs (which I find to be a really inaccurate description of the reality of a hairball coming up).  I hope that as she requires less care, I can let go more. 

I've been feeling the urge to reach out to my parents.  I don't understand our relationship or how to be a participant in it.  But sometimes I don't mind sharing a brief update of how I am doing through text.  I had positive interactions as we kept it light. 

My mom sent me a picture of me when I was a baby.  It made me cry to see my little self.  I have come so far. 

My mom shared that one of my grandmother's sisters died.  It made me think of the trauma my grandmother experienced and how she left the place where she was from and the majority of her family did not.  Even though she passed on trauma, she also passed on the idea that we can make our own way.  Each of my grandparents did differently than their families. 

I think I have been wanting to reach out to my parents because the intergenerational aspect of my trauma is on my mind.  I'm not sure what to make of it but I find it bringing me compassion. 

[BeeKeeper]

rainy,

it's good to know that your cat is starting to get better and you both enjoyed cuddling time. That's really important to both of you.

I'm sorry that one of your grandmother's sisters has passed. Thinking about them, their lives, what they did and didn't do, can bring a lot of understanding and value to your experience. Observing how they took a separate path in particular seems like it would be a rich well for mining lessons. Your capacity to care and think deeply about these things would inevitably bring on feelings of sharing and connection. I understand the problems in turning that into action which feels and is safe and affirming.

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. Some days are just like that...feeling off. Thankfully they usually pass. I think you did a great job listening to your body and taking it easier.

I'm sorry about the loss of your Great Aunt.

It's hard to know when the right time is to reach out to people who hurt us. But if you are wanting to try I think that's courageous and kind hearted and worth a try. And I'd gently suggest that you continue to listen to the body as you do that slowly and see how it affects you,  and don't hesitate to back off again if you need to. 💛

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your words and understanding of how I reflect and what I may or may not find in that reflection. 

.........

Armee, I appreciate the reminders you offer.   

.........

BeeKeeper & Armee, I appreciate the words about my grandmother's sister.  I am sure I met her sister once but can't place her face.  My family overall is not particularly close and this loss doesn't feel heavy to me other than I can feel that it seems heavy to my mom.  My grandmother has dementia and thus her mind is in a different place than her body.  It is a hardship on my mom and her sisters and that stress gets transmitted to me sometimes too. 

..........

Today has been another weird day. 

I slept better last night than I have in a while.

I thought my cat was done with her uneasy stomach but today proved me wrong.  She has been trying to eat her dry food which hasn't been sitting well with her stomach.  I am trying to not get too worked up about it.  She did eat some wet food and kept it down.  I can't figure out right now if she is still just setting her stressed/anxious feelings or if her food is making her stomach hurt.  We will keep trying.  It is tricky because I can't easily get a new food to try because it is a specialty diet. 

My husband and I seem to be finding a better groove with day to day communication.  It seems like we don't necessarily have a joint goal for moving forward but it is nice to have to the check ins we've been having.  He also seems to have walking as a way to support himself in dealing with his stress and processing.  I saw an article title today that was something like "managing when you are in different timelines toward the same goal" or something like that.  I didn't read more than that but the idea stayed with me. 

Another thing that came up today is how I continue to place so much of my power in things outside my control.  A little while ago, I made a list of things I can control in my current moment.  I plan to experiment with this and see how it helps. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad you were able to have a better night's sleep last night.  Sorry to hear that your cat is till having upset tummy issues though.  I really hope she will feel better soon. 

Sending you a hug, and hope your experiment with the list of things you'd written down is helpful.   

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your words and support. 

......

I am having a tough day.  I am feeling overwhelmed.

My cat is still recovering and won't eat much.  She seems ok but I feel this urgency for her to get back to her baseline because I go back to work soon and can't look after her as much in a few weeks.  Her paw is looking a little concerning.  I will try some things to help her keep healing.  But I feel so defeated.  I have done my best and she is still recovering.  This all makes me feel so incompetent.

I feel also so odd for being so over the top about my cat.  Today I realized I am holding onto a small pain from a recent encounter.  I introduced myself to someone new and as usual when they found out I don't have kids they said, "Do you at least have a dog?"  Nope.  I'm not sure why people put this judgment out there.

My husband told me that his company didn't get the overseas contract he had been working on.  I think some of my current stress is that I fully expected we would be moving sometime in the coming year.  Perhaps we still will, but it is overwhelming to me. 

[Armee]

It's ok to feel so much worry about your cat. It's a beautiful thing, Rainy. Hopefully you can find a way to care with less suffering for you. 

Worrying about an international move is a huge worry!

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words of support and validation.

..........

I just had one of those deep, good cries where it surprises me what comes up.

My cat has interrupted the healing of her paw with grooming.  The isn't as bad as it was but I am finding myself needing to pull back out the cone as it is the only thing that seems to work.  I don't want to go to the vet again unless we have to. 

As I have been processing this and feeling like a total failure at caring for her, I realized both how mean I am being to myself but also how I hold qualities that I am critical of in others. 

My care for my cat has been what a human who is doing their best can do.  I have tried to be responsive to her needs but also see how I am often working out my own issues through her.  I also have been extremely lenient with her to accommodate her needs and recognize that this is slowing down healing.  I hope to see small improvements each day as I watch her grooming her paw...but I feel impatient for the paw to be completely better. 

What is the biggest thing going on is how much I am still struggling to love and accept myself.  As I was crying, moments from the past several months came up that a part of me was holding onto saying "See, you are a piece of garbage?" 

I find new things to help carry me forward each day.  Part of that is being honest that things I hold against others are often things I am holding against myself.  I don't wish to excuse any behavior that others do that is hurtful, but I also know deeply imperfect I am as a human which means that others are too. 

I have a very long training run tomorrow that I am quite anxious about.  I hope to rest up some this afternoon and evening and do my best to accomplish that tomorrow. 

[Armee]

Maybe she won't want to accept it but I  want to offer a hug to the part of you that thinks "see, you are a piece of garbage." There's a lot of pain that piece is holding, protecting you from. I wish we didnt need those thoughts and eventually they can loosen but right now it's serving a purpose. If you didn't think you were a piece of garbage...then what would happen?



I also want to send YOU a big hug for processing things and crying and feeling all the real pain that's under those types of protective thoughts. You are trying really hard and doing great, Rainy.



Good luck on your ultra long run tomorrow. Listen to yourself. 

[sanmagic7]

i agree with armee that there is a lot of pain behind those neg. self-thoughts. reading what you wrote, i thought about my own bought with them for myself, and can see a hazy (at this point) connection such as you describe.  dang, it's amazing to me how this trauma stuff works in our systems - mind, body, brain.  i also agree that so much of what we do and think about others and ourselves have been protective devices.  we were trained early and well to doubt ourselves, think badly of ourselves, and/or hold ourselves to impossible expectations.  that last one is, to me, the source of feeling like failures because we, as humans, are not capable of being perfect. 

keep going, rainy.  i think you're doing a really good job on digging into this crapola you've had to carry around. good luck on your run, too.  sending love and a hug full of compassion for yourself.  you deserve it.