Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

Armee, that is a good question.  I don't have any official documented diagnoses and haven't gone that route.  I have created my own accommodations.  For me it is less about the actual workspace and more that my colleagues are backstabbing and I want to be away from that. 

I appreciate your heart being with me. 

..........

I am reflecting on how much I have endured in my career.  This particular work experience is typical of what I have experienced.  In the past, I have quit and found new jobs. 

Yet it keeps finding me.  I am curious what of this is me.  I think that because I often take what I am given without truly standing up for myself, people push.  But also, most of this isn't about me.  I don't understand why it is all falling on me. 

My husband and I may be getting to a place where we would like to relocate.  There is a lot to consider and explore. 

[rainydiary]

Still in my feelings today but I have a bit more space around it.

I woke up very early this morning which tends to happen when I am stressed and anxious.  It was earlier than I wanted to get up however my mind often takes over in those moments.  I found myself telling myself it was ok to feel what I felt.  That it made sense.  I usually try to not feel what I am feeling and this was a time I was able to not do that.  I fell back asleep for a bit although then dreamed about work (of course).

Today I was able to connect with a colleague who is on my side and sees what is happening to me.  She wrote me a really validating message that helped me both see that I am blaming myself for what is happening and made me feel better because what I am feeling is reasonable based on what is happening. 

I received notification of the infamous meeting we will be having.  I'm not sure this going to work out very well.  I need to find someone like my union representative to also talk to.

I also need a long term plan of something else to do.  This place is toxic and it is taking a toll on me I'm not willing to pay anymore. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad that you have a colleague who wrote some validating things to you. 

I hope you're able to find a supportive union rep to talk to, prior to that meeting you're due to have. 

Wishing you strength for getting that long term plan together too.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your words of support. 

..........

I am currently waiting for a call from my vet for an update on my cat's paw.  I left my cat at the vet this morning and am eager for news.  I am getting antiser as the morning goes on.  I am so hopeful that the news I will get is that her paw has healed. 

I spoke with a union rep today about my situation.  She felt my concerns were out of her experience level and said she was going to let the union president know my situation. So I may hear from that person with guidance.  It was helpful to talk to someone outside my situation. 

I am recognizing in myself the signs of emotional and mental exhaustion that I hope won't lead to burnout. 

[rainydiary]

My cat's paw is a lot better but not quite there.  So disappointed by that.  We will continue with cone and medication for 5 more days.  I had hoped today would be a release from all this but that wasn't to be. 

I spoke to the president of the educators union I am in.  The conversation was a bit annoying.  Her advice was basically "You should find a new job."  She gave a suggestion of documentation to complete tomorrow (an email to my principal which I dread sending because she's basically indicated she is sick of getting emails from me).

*sigh* 

[rainydiary]

Today is starting off rough. 

I didn't sleep well last night.  I tried to speak to myself kindly when I woke up.  It wasn't the worst night of sleep ever but not restful at all. 

I am overwhelmed today.  I think the past several months and what's coming are hitting me hard today. 

The air quality where I live is not good and it is impacting my training.  I struggle between getting a run in and breathing in polluted air.  I also return to work tomorrow which will impact my training.  I worry about balancing work, running, making meals, caring for my cat, etc.

My inner critic is really loud.  I am having trouble seeing past my flaws (which are really my humanity). 

My cat is improving but still requires a level of attention I am exhausted at giving.

My husband is trying to be supportive but also just requested that we discuss trips for the remainder of the year so that he can request PTO.  I fear this means confronting the holiday season.  I appreciate that we'll talk about it now as opposed to having fights as those months get closer, but it feels like too much.

I hope I can find a way to bring myself to the present today. 

[Armee]

Your flaws are what make you Rainy. I bet what you call your flaws are also what make you the best kind of person.

Good luck with the trip discussion and managing the (valid!!!) feelings about your treatment at work.

[Blueberry]

 

I have been reading your thread recently rainydiary. The way you're being treated at work sounds similar to the way LL is treating me, especially the betrayal. I'm so sorry they're putting you through this. I don't know why people do that but I don't think it's necessarily to do with your 'flaws' because as you say your flaws are part of your humanity. We all have them, those people at your workplace have them too. They may just be bullies, who like to bully Over on OOTF they say that the person scapegoated is scapegoated because they are strong though made to feel weak eventually by the bullies.

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate your words and support. 

Hope, thank you for your observations.  It is helpful to know others relate and I am sorry for all of us trying to survive in these situations. 

..........

As the day has gone on, I acknowledged to myself that I am either close to or in burnout.  I haven't really recharged my batteries since May. 

My intentions in the coming days:

to take breaths during moments of transition like I teach my students to do

to take breaks even if it a short walk around my school building or between floors in my house

keep short, straightforward to do lists

look for moments to do some yoga poses

speak kindly to myself

[rainydiary]

The day I have been anxious about is here. 

I didn't sleep the best last night but it also wasn't the worst. 

I am going into this day with mixed feelings some of which are related to work and some to my marriage.   

Last night my husband made me mad about our cat.  I have to leave her in the cone when she is unsupervised.  That means she will be in the cone all day while I am gone at work.  He works from home yet told me with his full time job he doesn't have time to care for her.  All I was hoping is that he would check on her and take the cone off for brief periods so that she would use her litter box, eat, and drink.  He then said "She likes it better when you take care of her" which boiled my blood.  That is such a thing he learned from his family.  He has done very little to help me in her care other than be critical of what I am doing. 

This morning I am reflecting on how it some ways I feel like he has transferred responsibility for his life from his mom to me.  I do almost all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, and emotional labor in our home.  He is just along for the ride.  In the past he used to take more of a lead in some things but now it just feels like he has given that up.  This behavior isn't really new but I am exhausted by it and angry.  It makes me question how we will ever move forward together.  I would like a partner not a child. 

Last night one of my brothers reached out to me based on a Facebook post I made.  It was truly kind of him and it was good to catch up.  I was glad to hear from him.  We do our best but our relationship is definitely strained by our upbringing. 

I also connected last night with the person who was hired to help me with my caseload.  She told me no one other than me from the school has contacted her.  I was not surprised but also find that so frustrating.  Because now I can see a conversation today going how I should have told them all about her....I am not in charge of her.  I was opposed to having another person in my role come on for this very reason.  I think we will get along and it will be nice to have someone that isn't rude to me to talk to. 

This day is going to be interesting.  I hope to feel lighter in myself at some point. 

[rainydiary]

Well, I am home now.

I'm not really calm or settled right now.  Exhausted and my brain is going going going.

I spoke to my husband this morning about my hope he would at least check on the cat and perhaps give her a cone break.  He did so today which means a lot. 

I handled work the best I could.  I honestly avoided my colleagues most of the day.  I was working with my counterpart on a schedule and we worked in a separate room.  I don't have a good work area anymore which I find so interesting.  I'm sure if they were asked they would say that I wasn't very nice. 

The colleagues I am now sharing a poor excuse of a work area with pretended to be nice to me because we have new team members.  They were talking about me before I entered the room and then acted all fake.  It makes me so mad. 

Then we had a team meeting where the leaders stated that we are good communicators as a team.  And then we spent like 20 minutes talking about improving communication and setting team norms.  I felt that a lot of the comments were directed at me because they kept looking in my direction. 

I didn't care for myself very well while at work.  I didn't drink enough water or eat enough food.  That always gets out of balance when I restart work.

I hope that as I get better sleep and into a routine at work that I will feel a bit better.  I think I have some hard things to decide moving forward. 

[rainydiary]

I didn't catch this as much before. 

I am going going going because I'd been putting pressure on myself to not let others know how hurt I was at work.  I think people knew exactly how I felt.

I also sent an email expressing honest emotion and forwarded it to someone else.  She said I should be careful putting that type of emotion into email. 

I was punished growing up for showing too much emotion especially by my dad.  While I don't wish to excuse his harshness, I recognize that he experienced being told that he expresses too much emotion.  I know that he has struggled at work like I have and his harshness was a desire for me to have a better outcome.  But all he did was hurt me so much that this is hard for me too. 

Trying to give myself a hug. 

[owl25]

It makes me sad to see how hard people are being on you at work, and what they are putting you through. They know they are hurting you and they don't care. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Self-compassion is exactly what you need, and I am glad you are trying to give yourself a hug.  Here is one from me as well.

[rainydiary]

They know they are hurting you and they don't care.

Owl, this really stood out to me.  I hadn't framed my experience like this before.  I appreciate you saying it.  It's been in my heart and mind since I read it.

..........

Today I am reflecting on how much energy I expend trying to keep one colleague in particular off my back. 

I am reflecting on how my colleagues acted like nothing went wrong. 

I am reflecting on how I have been hoping for someone to apologize or at least check in.

I am reflecting on how righteous they feel.  They are telling themselves whatever they need to (namely that they are doing this for students) but what they tell themselves is a lie. 

I am reflecting on how to get out of this situation.  I would like to move to a new place but am stuck in that thought because it feels like my husband wants to move into closer proximity to his family.  That stalls me every time. 

I am reflecting that I think my cat's paw is getting better but that I am afraid of not knowing when it is better. 

I am reflecting that I want to go somewhere and be on my own without any demands. 

[Snowdrop]